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Older sibling alienating sister

Started by mylifeatsea, Jun 28, 2008, 11:32:16 PM

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mylifeatsea

After two years of sadness and frustration at my daughter's disdain for me, I started researching on line. She seemed to me almost sociopathic, then I learned about PAS. I was relieved to find out that my daughter was not inherently cold and cruel, but also horrified at what has been going on for years while I struggled with my sorrow and confusion.  There appears to be on-going (3 years) subtle alienating behavior by my ex (never offering her allowance, so she feels guilty asking for it because "he's paying for everything"; if she speaks to me in a snotty tone in front of him, he looks at the floor; he arranges with her to pick her up during her 2 weeks with me to take her shopping, to a picnic, whatever; I've asked him to talk to me first in case I have plans; he says he'll do this, but never does. He is very angry about paying child support.

A severe, blatant hate campaign started up 3 months ago from my 22-year old daughter; she is half-sister to my 15-yr old daughter who is showing signs of PAS. This older daughter needs to understand somehow that she is abusing her sister emotionally. I started taking action right away after reading "Divorce Poison," and my relationship with my 15-yr old daughter has improved considerably. She's with my ex and me equally.

I will see a counselor this coming week, a specialist in parental alienation issues. I see my older daughter as a victim of alienation herself, by her dad and stepmom, who pulled a fast one 10 years ago when I allowed my daughter to spend one school year with them (a big mistake on my part), during which they decided to fight for full custody and lost; their bitterness manifested itself in denigrating me and expressing extreme displeasure when my older daughter later decided to live in the city I'm in rather than in their part of the state.

My ex goes to the Y with my older daughter (his stepchild) and confides in her about our disputes. He has had her go through my desk and file cabinets in my home, caught her doing this recently.  I had to switch to another line of work as I was in real estate and couldn't earn enough after the market tanked. He was furious that I had a legal right to child support. Shortly after I filed my request for support, my oldest daughter emailed me to say she wants me out of her life, as she doesn't agree with some of my choices, but won't say what those are nor will she discuss this with me. She sends text messages almost daily to my youngest, who agrees in return texts that she hates me, I'm awful, crazy, etc. YET younger daughter wanted to go to lunch with me today when an old college girlfriend came for a visit, later I took her to shop for a few clothes, and when I called her to me at bedtime I held her close and she hugged me back tight. She got an F in Latin this last semester (ironically, her sister also took Latin in high school) when she usually gets As and Bs. Clearly she is under stress.  I don't know how to deal with her sister; I feel she is suffering due to having been alienated by both her dad and stepmom, and in more subtle fashion by her sister's dad, my second ex.

Does anyone have any experience with a similar, multi-alienator situation? The good thing is, I do have her half time, alternating every two weeks.
Thank you.