I can't believe I'm admitting this but...

[bigsigh2004]

saying that I don't want to, doesn't automatically mean I refuse to..I'd just rather not. It's uncomfortable due to the tension. If I don't hear the end of it, there is a chance my DAUGHTER won't hear the end of it either.  If there was a more constructive way around it I was open to those suggestions...that was what I was asking for.


And by the way, we were BOTH spiteful during the divorce. I haven't heard an apology out of my ex, nor do I expect it.


HAHAHA - divorced people being honest and open with each other...exactly what world do you live in? If that were the case, we wouldn't be divorced in the first place.

[bigsigh2004]

I didn't think I was slamming her I was trying to show what was going on with my daughter, what makes her cry.  I picked a lousy example. Hindsight I also should have put in there that my wife was trying to get me to see the other side of parenting by what she was doing.

Lessons in communication...you sound like my wife now =)

I'm slowly learning that how I grew up, isn't how things are in most cases.

Think I'll suggest teh counseling for my sdaughter to my ex, and let her find one she likes though. I don't have the first clue.

[catherine]

Watch the movie, Jersey Girl ASAP.  It deals with a single father who doesn't really know how to be a parent.  

I recommend that you keep your kid and think about changing careers so you can be a better parent.  You know, it really doesn't matter how much money you make or whatnot.  What matters is how you parent your child.  If your job makes you travel and be so tired, think about switching to something else so you can be there more, emotionally and physically.  I know you will probably say that is not possible, yada yada, but it is possible.  It's also possible to pick up and read some parenting books and/or attend a couple of classes.

[bigsigh2004]

Why especially my new wife?????

Have you not read everything I've posted? She has been the biggest influence on doing what is right my my daughter all along.

And my ex will never agree to stand in the same room with my new wife, muchless have counseling with her, so you can throw that idea out the window. Regardless if she owes my wife the world for forcing me to realize who the better parent for our daughter is.

[bigsigh2004]

one word. No. I love my work, it is an extention of me as it is a company I have built since I was 15. I own it. I love it. and I take great pride in what I do. Maybe if I worked for someone else it would be a different story. But I will not walk away from the work that has afforded me to live the way I want to, and allows my ex not to have to bother with child support when I got custody & if there is anything my daughter needs, it is not a problem. It is good to know at her tender age of 4, her college won't be an issue.  

I've made the decison to give my daughter back to her mom, and it is not a decision that has come without a lot of thought. I can not parent my daughter the way she needs to be parented. The way she is indicating she needs to be parented. There isn't a book in the world that I can read that is going to change that.

I had to take a parenting class for court, it was the dumbest thing I've ever been to.

Now, if you don't have advice on how to make this a smooth transition, please refrain from posting to me anymore.

[Tiresias]

It isnt about the adults, its about the children. It isnt about who looks bad, its about whats really best for your daughter.  
  "In the best intrest of the children"  should NEVER be about the adults.
  I'm fighting for my youngest daughter now and I have to put all of myself on the sideline and think of her. (sometimes someone has to knock me on the head for that to happen too.  ha ha)   Her father and I do not get along.  Just last week she had a function on my weekend close to his home. I wanted to take her and bring her back to my house and then have him have to come down and get her again (we live very far apart).  Then, someone told me, "You adults only drive on occasion, but the child ALWAYS makes the trips."  So, I took her to her funtion, we went to dinner, played around for a bit, then I dropped her off at her fathers door step.
  Instead of f*@#%ing him, I had a great time with my daughter.
Just something to think about.....

                                  Ladybug3

[bigsigh2004]

so true. It about our daughter, and what is best...and it took my wife battleaxing me since there was no way in hell's kitchen at the time I was going to listen to anything my ex had to say.

Will I miss having her around all the time? Sure. At night after I've rested, and she is already in bed, I go peek in to watch her breathe but being a parent doesn't mean watching them sleep.

My dad never went to PTA functions, and only occasionally did he make it to sporting events. He wasn't around a whole heck of a lot and I grew up thinking that was perfectly fine. In this day and age, it apparently isn't...but it is ingrained in me.

My ex is a good mom. We split because I met someone else. Wasn't planned but it does happen. I was wrong for accusing her of being a bad parent just because she was dealing with the emotioanl difficulties of being jilted for someone else. It was temporary, and I was the cause of it. My lawyer, and the boards I was posting to, flamed me into thinking it was a much deeper problem than that. I had her labeled as bi-polar and all sort of other "conditions". Blamed her for alienation when she refused to work with my schedule...it just went completely out of hand.

[DecentDad]

Hi bigsigh,

First of all, in answer to your question, are you the biggest schmuck in the world?...  seems like you have been that in the past, but you're not proud of it.

We grow and learn from our mistakes, from our suffering, from our challenges.

So, this is all part of your journey.

I read through many of the posts above, but not all of them.

You've got four people whose welfare you've committed to support (i.e., your daughter, your wife, your stepdaughter, and yourself), and it's up to you to figure it out.

Only you know the answer of how to pull that off.  Last time you asked everyone for advice a couple years ago, how'd that turn out for you?

You DO have an opportunity to become a more involved dad than your own father was.  It's hard work, I know that personally, because my dad was pretty detached while we were growing up.

Us men are generally good at working long hours with emotional detachment in relationships.  It's exhausting-- however-- for many of us to work long hours in relationships needing an emotional connection.

But, if we exercise that regularly, it becomes easier with time.

I'm going to suggest that you may want to see someone individually to aid you with your communication and emotional connection to others.  The communication lacks because there seems to be limited empathy in the moment.  Upon reflection (i.e., when pointed out to you by other's words or actions), you DO have empathy for others.

When you start knowing IN YOUR GUT what you must do, your life will be pretty awesome because you'll make decisions for all the right reasons.  But it takes much work on oneself, and with much introspection, to get to that place.

Again... you have a four year old daughter with a bright future ahead of her if she has good access to two available parents.  You'll have a great relationship with her if you make yourself emotionally available and supportive.  You have a wife who you seem to care for, and I would presume vice versa.

You've got a winning hand, but you haven't put it all together yet.  Quit dicking around and grow up.  Make some decisions like a mature, empathetic adult-- and that includes learning how to be a nurturing father to a little girl.

Your life will never be perfect, and those around you will never be 100% happy.  But if you work hard, you can achieve the best possible scenario for everyone; and you'll find ever-increasing fulfillment with your life.

Sincerest wishes for you.

DD

[nosonew]

If you can't sit down with her...perhaps you will be able to in the near future. Write the letter, after really, really thinking about it.  Explain that you want to co-parent, etc., etc.

And, perhaps try and read a book or two about communication.  Once you know you have a problem, you HAVE to try to work on it!  And always remember, anything you do or say, does affect that other special person in your life.  This current marriage isn't going to last long if you don't remember that.  

Good luck!

[catherine]

You told me to refrain from posting to you if I couldn't offer ways to make the transition easy.  From reading your first post, I thought that you either wanted advice on how to parent better, how to make your new wife be involved, or IF you should give your daughter back to your ex.  Apparently you have already made up your mind that your business is a priority over your child.  I still recommend you go and rent Jersey Girl.  Just do it for the heck of it as it will be a BIG wake up call.  Do you think your daughter will care if you can pay for her college or buy her toys, in comparison to her remembering that you colored with her or taught her how to do things?

As far as the transition goes, what's hard about calling up your ex and telling her that she needs to have the girl back and this is how much you are willing to pay in child support and leave the ball in her court?  How could you make the transition any easier?  GO TO COUNSELLING or at least get your daughter in it.  She will be feeling that you don't love her or want her and no matter what you say that is how she will feel.  She will need to be in play therapy to get over her pain and confusion.