Unweb Father Needs Help

[papaalex2003]

IMPORTANT QUESTION. I HAVE A CHILD WITH AN EX GIRLFRIEND. WE ARE BOTH ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE AS THE PARENTS. WE WERE NEVER MARRIED. I HAVE PROVIDED INSURANCE SINCE HER BIRTH AND HAVE GIVEN MONEY OVER THE LAST 3 YEARS TO HER. BUT NOT ON A MONTHLY BASIC THROUGHOUT THIS WHOLE TIME. I KNOW THAT NOT GIVEN REGULAR SUPPORT ON A WEEKLY OR MONTHLY BASIS IS GOING TO HURT ME IN COURT, BUT WILL THE FACT THAT SHE HAS NEVER BEEN ABLE TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH ME EVEN THOUGH I LIVE 5 MINUTES AWAY. AND IVE NEVER BEEN ALLOWED TO KNOW ABOUT DOCTOR APPOINTMENTS OR HAVE ANY CONTROL OR SAY IN HER LIFE, BE OF SOME BENEFIT TO ME. I DONT MIND PAYING FOR MY DAUGHTER. I ALREADY HAVE CUSTODY OF A SON. BUT I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SOME RIGHTS TO HER. IF ANYONE CAN GIVE ME SOME ADVICE BEFORE I PROCEED WITH GOING TO COURT. I WOULD APPRECIATE IT

[DecentDad]

You need to file a paternity action in order to secure custodial time with your child.

Child support will begin from the date that you file your action.

Your past support will help you (i.e., you'll point out that in the past 3 years, you've made regular contributions to her care that exceeds $3k or whatever, have covered her on your health insurance, etc).

You'll need to really document the amount of time you've spent with the child to get around that same amount or more.  Witnesses would help greatly (e.g., neighbors), you can have them write declarations to accompany your paternity action, and the declarations can describe you as a great dad.

It helps that you have custody of another child.  If you have any court finding, ruling, decision, etc., or any evaluator's conclusion that you're a good parent-- that would help you tremendously in your little girl's case.

In your paternity action, you should propose a schedule that is in your child's best interest, and seek joint legal custody with specific reference to being involved in her health and school appointments, along with selection of each.

You won't get MORE than you're seeking, so ask for more than you think you can get.

Lastly, start wearing condoms if you haven't already learned from your experiences.  It's not good to be making babies with different mothers, it makes it really hard on the children.

Best,
DD

[MYSONSDAD]

You will probably have to take a paternity test.

Any further money given to her care, clearly have it on the check, Child Support. If this has not been done in the past, it might be looked at as a gift.

There is a Time Tracker here or you can also get the Optimal for documenting.  

http://www.parentingtime.net/


"Children learn what they live"

[papaalex2003]

ok what if she comes up with all sort of excuses for me not to see the baby. the only proof i have is cell phone record that i call everyday. Its been a month now since i last saw her and that was when i went to pick her up, but her mother changed her mind once i got there

[Kitty C.]

It doesn't change the fact that you have to file for paternity just to get yourself in the door legally.  Then you file a petition for custody, some up with a parenting plan, hopefully you and the BM can agree to something, but if not the court certainly will.  And if she doesn't abide by the order, she's in contempt and you can take her back to court.

ONLY until you get an order signed by the judge do you have a legal right to see your child.  Since you were never married, it is presumed that the mother has custody.  You have to fight for whatever rights you want.

You're in for a LONG ride, my friend.  Hang on, because it's only going to get worse from here...........

[DecentDad]

If you haven't started already, keep a journal (handwritten or in a computer program like Excel) that specifies the date and what occurred on that day. Example:  "Arrived to pick up (daughter's name).  Mother said that daughter was a little cranky and could not leave with me"

You'll outline all those excuses in your own declaration, filed with your paternity action, as cause for needing relief from the court to order a very clear parenting schedule.

If you were SMART, you'd ask her for time and let her leave her denials on your answering machine, via mail, or via email.

That would give you evidence in court that mother won't act reasonably with regard to nurturing the child's relationship with you.

What state do you live in?

DD

[papaalex2003]

does signing the birth certificate at the hospital as the father show paternity. I mean she received my last name as well.

[Kitty C.]

Nope, you have to get it legally done in court.  You can sign anything, DNA testing is actual PROOF that you are the father.

Also, start putting away a set amount of money every month in an account for CS.  Once you file for custody (and she WILL ask for CS), it can be made retroactive from the date filed and you would be instantly delinquent unless you have it to pay up front.

You need an atty., bud.  No two ways about it.  You have a LOT of issues here and no clue as to how the system operates.  In the meantime, read EVERYTHING here you can.  If you don't educate yourself on this and learn your rights, they can strip you of everything, including your child.

[DecentDad]

This depends upon whether the mother is willing to stipulate that you're the father.

If so, establishing paternity is easy.  No DNA test needed.

If not, it's going to be more difficult.  Birth certificate noting the parents is admissible evidence, but all the mother has to do is say that it was an error.

DD

[papaalex2003]

I LIVE IN FLORIDA. THE PROBLEM IS THAT SHE NEVER CALLS ME BACK IF I LEAVE A MESSAGE TO PICK UP THE BABY. MY 9 YEAR OLD SON CALLSA LSO AND SHE STILL DOENT RETURN CALLS

[Bolivar]

I know how you feel papaalex2003  - confused, angry, ....... the list goes on.

You are asking Great questions.  Keep asking.

The first area to try to understand is "what do the courts consider important".  This is an ongoing learning experience.

[font size="+2] this site has GREAT info!!  Read all you can to discover what the courts consider important!! [/font]

Plus others on this site can help with ideas for your case.  DecentDad and others have started a good foundation.  Keep visiting this site and reading posts, it helps tremendously in the learning process.

*> Sounds like you do NOT have a court ordered visitation schedule.  I know you don't want to hear this but, the Judge will probably not give you over nights right away.  Create a Step-up parenting plain (ideas found on this site) to offer the courts.  Better to create your own parenting plain than using the court ordered plain.  

*> Take a parenting class it will show the courts you have taken the initiative and are a pro active dad. I sometimes get chastised for this next statement but "I really enjoy my parenting class" I am planning to take more!! They are fun!

*> Find positive ways to deal with the stress and frustration a custody fight will create.



Another site I have found helpful is "Divorce Institute"
 It is currently a work in progress and created by lawmoe.
http://www.divorceinstitute.com/

[DecentDad]

How did it come to be that you have custody of your son?

Regarding the daughter, you need to file a paternity action in the courthouse of the county where your daughter lives.  That's all there is to it.  You have no rights until that time.

Many courthouses have help offices for filling out family law forms.  Check into that.

You need to get all your ducks in a row before filing the paternity action.  You'll probably want to seek emergency temporary relief (use the birth certificate as the burden of proof that you're the father for the temporary orders), given that you haven't seen your daughter in a month.

The reason why you need to get all your ducks in a row, and why you need to educate yourself a bit before filing, is that as soon as you file for paternity, the mother may react in a very bad way.  She may move away, she may make a false accusation against you, etc.

It's critical for you to start reading books about what you're about to do.  A good one (among the more expensive ones) is "Win your child custody war" by Hardwick.  It's available on Amazon for $80.  It's around 600 pages thick, and it's the only book you'll need for a while.

The more time that goes by without seeing your daughter, the worse your case will become.  All the mother will say in court is, "Well, of course I wanted the father involved, but he never wanted to see her.  It's been 9 months now since they've seen each other, and daughter is in a really good routine, and their contact should be minimal."

If it's been a month without seeing your daughter, you should probably file within the next few weeks.  But do it after you educate yourself a bit on the process and strategies.

DD

[DecentDad]

If you can show the court that your 9 year old son is thriving, that would also help you convince the court as to your parenting abilities and appropriateness to be involved with your daughter.

Here are examples:

He's an above average student, based upon his past few report cards (i.e., you'll include as exhibits to your declaration).

You and he are involved in parent/child activites (e.g., you're an assistant coach to his soccer team, or you and he do Boy Scouts together, or you and he participate in a church youth group).

Teachers love him and love interacting with you (i.e., they'll write declarations that you can submit).

His pediatrician thinks you're very aware of his health needs (i.e., the doctor will write a declaration that you can submit).

DD

[papaalex2003]

WOULD I STILL NEED TO TAKE PARENTING CLASSES IF I HAVE BEEN A SINGLE PRIMARY CARE PARENT FOR THE LAST 4 YEARS. MY SON LIVES WITH ME ALONG WITH MY STEP CHILDREN.

[papaalex2003]

MY SON HAS HAD HONOR ROLL SINCE KINDERGARDEN. HES ISN 4TH NOW. IM ACTIVE WITH HIS SOCCER PRACTICE AND MY STEP DAUGHTERS CHEERLEADING PRACTICE. (WIFE IS COACH). i KEEP TRACK OF ALL MY SONS HEALTH ISSUES CONSIDERING MY MOTHER IS NEVER AROUND.

[DecentDad]

Hi,

I agree with Bolivar's advice, with exception to the parenting classes.  I don't think you need to worry about that, given your son and stepdaughter.

DD

[papaalex2003]

THANKS ITS NICE TO KNOW THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH. ALL I WANT TO DO IS BE A PART OF HER LIFE. BUT I GUESS THATS EASIER SAID AND DONE.

[DecentDad]

Ok, in terms of what matters to the court, you're looking better and better.  Once paternity is established (which you'll be able to do one way or another), the court is going to order that you'll be involved in your daughter's life at some level.

You have a stable home and are in a marriage.  Your son is doing awesome.  You're involved in your stepdaughter's life.  Giving you parenting time with your daughter is a no-brainer.

Unanswered questions remain:

1.  Any bad skeletons in your closet like drug use, criminal record (other than traffic violations)?  Any such bad skeletons in your wife's background?

2.  Do you have custody of your son by court order?  If so, when/how did that happen?

3.  Where will your daughter sleep in your home?

4.  In your best objective opinion, is your daughter bonded to you as a daddy?  Does she call you daddy?

5.  Do you have any video showing you and daughter together, with her calling you daddy?

6. How do your son, wife, and stepdaughter feel about having this youngster spending more time in your home?

DD

[Bolivar]

DecentDad said what I was going to post.  (unless.... DD is a mind reader and read my mind, then posted my thoughts. lol :-) )

papaalex2003, document ALL the Activities/Events/Errands you do for your children now.  Your intention/objective is to show the court you're Super Dad.  And from what you have said in your last posts you are!! :-)

Sit down and write out all the things you are doing!

You have a good case.



Just remember, if you think life is unfair; wait until you go through Family Court.  From what I can tell the devil runs the system.

[papaalex2003]

EVERYONE HAS SKELETONS, BUT MY BABY'S MOM HAS THE SAME ONES IF NOT WORSE, SO I DONT THINK THAT WILL BE AN ISSUE.

YES IT IS COURT ORDERED SINCE 2000.

SHE WOULD SHARE A ROOM WITH MY STEP DAUGHTER WHO IS 11. MY DAUGHTER IS 3.

YES SHE IS BONDED SHE CALLS HAS ALWAYS CALLED ME DADDY, AND THE LAST TWO TIMES I WENT TO GET HER SHE CRIED TO LEAVE WITH ME AND HER BROTHER BUT SHE WASNT ALLOWED. THE ONLY THING IS THAT SINCE ITS BEEN A MONTH THAT I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO SEE HER, SHE WILL PROBABLY BE SKIDDISH AROUND ME.

JUST ALOT OF PICTURES OF HER

[Bolivar]

DD beat me to the post AGAIN.

[font size =+2]NOT[/font] (heeee, heeeee lol) (DD has a lot more knowledge/experience than me)


Nice post DD!  You are getting some great advice papaalex2003.  It is now up to you to take action.

Good luck

[DecentDad]

All previous advice still stands, in my layperson opinion.

Additionally...

Find out the proper format of your supporting declarations in support of your paternity action seeking recognition of you as the father and immediate relief in a temporary parenting plan.

1.  When you file your paternity action, include declarations in support of you as a parent-- from your wife, son's teacher(s), son's soccer coach, son's pediatrician.  You've got some work to do, obviously.  You're going to have to be forthright with each of them-- say that you have another child whose mother is denying your access, and you hope they'd be able to provide a paragraph (in declaration format for your state) about what they've observed of your parenting.

2.  Pictures would be great IF the pictures show her with you in various ages during the past few years.  Be sure to include pictures of her with her half-brother, stepmother, and stepsister.  You'll use the pictures as attached exhibits to your own declaration.

3.  It might not be a bad idea to have your stepdaughter write a declaration too.  Hers should say essentially, "I've really enjoyed the times when I could act as a big sister to (daughter's name), and I'm excited that I can share my room with her when she comes over.  I've already helped my mom and stepdad decorate her part of the room with Winnie the Pooh and move all my stuff to my side of the room so we could put a bed in there too."

4.  Birth certificate is an attached exhibit to your own declaration.

5.  If you've paid her mom by check, use all the cashed checks as attached exhibits to your own declaration to show you have been acting in the capacity of father since birth, frequently helping to support her.

6.  When you file your paternity action, also request an immediate restraining order on either parent moving outside of the county with daughter.  If you get this, it'll protect against mother taking off.

7.  Use the 2000 court orders giving you sole custody of your son as an attached exhibit to your declaration, noting that another court found you to be the best parent for your son.

So... if you don't already get the gist of what you'll be doing when you file paternity action... you want to be proactive in your first shot to make yourself superdad, to show you've attempted to be very involved with this little girl, to show your entire household welcomes her, and to show through much evidence (birth certificate, checks to the mother, pictures) that you've been acting in the role of her father since her birth.

Her mother will then have a very hard time rejecting the paternity part of it, will have a hard time coming up with a credible story on the threat you pose to the daughter, will have a hard time coming up with a credible story on why your home isn't good for her, and the only matter left to argue is just how much time daughter will spend with you and mother.

Finally, after you file your paternity action and serve it on the mother, start sending her letters in the mail with delivery confirmation, each time asking to spend time with your daughter.  By then, you ain't gonna piss her off any more than your paternity action did, and if you later show the court (via evidence) you made 8 attempts to see your child, and mother refused altogether, the court may start to view the mother as unreasonable.

In terms of the host of technical questions you may have on how to file, what form to use, how to serve, format of declarations, how to cite exhibits in your declarations, etc... you need to talk with someone intimate with Florida family law.  If you do all the work above and then retain an attorney to file it to make sure it's done right, you'll save a boatload of money right there.

Best,
DD

[rini]

hello

we filed our custody papers in Florida and we are in PA

this web site simplifies things for you as all of the papers that you need are online.

filing fees were 87.50 but that was over 2 years ago i am sure that they went up a little.

if you are both on the birth certificate that should provide you with a presumption of paternity and she would have to file the appropriate papers to challenge this.

http://www.flcourts.org/

go to self help and then take a look at all the stuff.

i can give you a hand preparing the initial filings if you are serious and ready to proceed

follow the other poster advice on attempting to schedule visitation.

my only other addition would be to send an intent to excercise visitation letter by certified (return reciept mail)

another suggestion would be to prepare a parenting plan in writing with your expectations and also a figure for child support based on the guidelines for child support for Florida.

you may email me personally if you so desire.  

you are fortunate to live in a state that offers such resources to non custodial parents and individual services in each county this is one of the only states that i have run across that does offer such detailed websites.  

read and educate yourself about the system and I will help in any way i can to get you on the road to seeing your child.

rini

[email protected]

[wendl]

Everyone here has been giving you great advice, not much more I could input on.

However I would like to welcome you to Sparc. This is a great place and your wife is welcome tooo (I am a custodial mom as well as a stepmom who's husband only gets visitation)

Again, welcome.

:)


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[MYSONSDAD]

Like another poster said, you have the experience and self education on being a great father. It is on the job training, so-to-speak. This alone, will help get you where you want to be.
 
You have great advice coming to you. Educate yourself further and never think twice about asking for suggestions. Many here to help 24/7. Search the articles. TGB links are great!

Just a thought, why not go for shared?

"Children learn what they live"