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Splitting time so that kids spend most of the summer and the "fall semester" with one parent, and switching at Xmas time seems a reasonable solution, to me anyways.

While I understand your POV from an adult standpoint, it's completely unreasonable from a child's standpoint.  Having to switch school EVERY year. . . and school systems are rarely on the same curriculum and teaching style.  Nevermind the social aspects involved.  I know a parent who needed to transfer her child from a school in Durham County to a school in Wake County (only about 10 miles apart).  When she went to the Wake County school to see what she needed to do, she was advised to leave the child where she was until she completed her grade.  She said that they were so vastly different that she would be lost moving even at the end of a semester.  At least moving at the beginning of the school year would put her on equal footing with students also transferring in.

that would entail 2 school switches per year....at the beginning and at the holiday break...I cannot imagine ANY judge signing an order like that

My ex husband new wife (girlfriend at the time) was actually convicted of harassment and threats against me for leaving threatening messages for me. It was good to contact the police about it.

wonder if the officers for this last exchange had their dash cam on?

My questions are
1) What can I do to show DCS in San Diego that my daughter is no longer in the country.

She is in the country, she's in Florida right?

2) What can I do to inform DCS that my ex wife have moved and is now living in Florida

How do you know she is in Florida? Do you have an address? Does mom work? Does the child attend school/daycare?

3) How can DCS add arrears to my account? What proof do they have that I owe this much? Are they taking my ex-wife's word?

Provide DCS with your proof of any payments made; money order carbons, cleared checks etc.

4) Can my ex-wife live in Florida and still collect Child Support from San Diego?

San Diego will retain jurisdiction on the cs issue until the child emancipates or the matter is formally transferred to another jurisdiction.

5) Is there a way I can have the support moved to where I am living or to Florida

Yes, but for someone unfamiliar with how to do so it may be best to get an attorney. Does San Diego have a self help legal center? You might want to look into that if you cannot afford an attorney, and call attorneys and see what their charge would be for helping you change jurisdiction, it might not be as much as you think.

You need to be careful to not put the cart before the horse, you say she is almost assuredly BPD...has she actually been diagnosed? if so, is she following whatever treatment plan is recommended for her? If not- I would tread very carefully with regards to telling an evaluator that the other parent has a mental illness, you may look exactly like what you are trying to prove she is- regarding facilitating relationships with the other parent.

He may not have to prove paternity- there are already court orders regarding this family

Besides the warrant for mom's arrest- was anything else decided by the court?

The police cannot really do anything at all to enforce the orders, this matter must be brought back to court in order for things to change. If your SIL has the time and the inclination, he could educate himself and appear in court pro se if they cannot afford an attorney.

You're right -- and there have been many occasions where I get nose bleeds.

Of course you need to guide them a bit, and maybe under your tutelage they can advise mom where she can get help as well. She has had a hard hit as well- losing a spouse....she may need help, therapy and guidance to get through the grief and back on solid footing so she can be a good mom again.

So, all of this to get to the questions:
1) Is there any way to keep her from taking the kids and moving without getting into a big custody battle?

Depends on how adamant she is about moving- preventing her from moving the children out of the area WILL take a trip to court

2) If it does come to a custody battle, is there anything I can/should do to put myself into the best position to get 50/50 custody (at least)?

Have a time schedule and a proposed parenting plan that supports that. (Such as the 4 10 hr day schedule)

3) Is it better to get divorced while in debt or wait? Better/worse for child custody?

I think the answer to this will depend on how well you and your wife have kept the debt/assets separate with regards to how they qualify (or don't) as marital property/income/debt.

4) Is it bad for me to keep paying the whole mortgage if we're equal w/kids?

Bad in what respect?

5) Is there any reason to spend money and energy fixing up the house vs. buying her out now? I'd rather not sell the house, but need to get out of debt before putting any more $ into it, and, if she's planning to leave the state, I don't want to buy her out and then have to rush to sell to move closer to the kids.

If there is a chance at reconciliation- why not refinance together and include all the debt into the refi? Otherwise...if this were me- I would make sure what was going on with the kids prior to making any property decisions that could impede my ability to be with the children.

6) How long do I have to be nice, do the dishes, laundry, clean, cook, watch the kids, etc. and put up with her telling me how this is all my fault? Should I keep spending my time doing things to help her with her business or tell her that I don't have time since I'm working so much to reduce my debt?

Totally personal decisions for this question- for as long as you feel it's the right thing to do.

7) Anything I should avoid as far as child custody? Anything I should watch for with her?

Just keep being a good dad, and- not saying your wife would ever do this, but I do know that a common tactic to gain the upper hand in divorce scenarios is the domestic abuse/restraining order route. Never put yourself in a position where you could be on the hook in that way.

Since we've always split the bills (other than the mortgage for the past few months), do I need to worry about her trying to get alimony?

This depends on the length of the marriage, any prenups, disparity in incomes, etc. Do you suspect she will request alimony?

I think that's it...thanks for any help, and for the time spent reading through this...I know it's long winded, but I wanted to try to get all the details in there.

Good Luck