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Hi,  I am married to a non-custodial father whose teenage daughters are refusing visitation.  One thing that the attorneys are paying close attention to is whether or not my husband actually goes to the door asking for the children even when they refuse to come.  If he doesn't do this, it is seen as his "non compliance with the visitation agreement".  So every other week, he flies to their city, asks for the girls and then stays in town for a week by himself because they refuse to come.  This sounds crazy but we must do this since we have been told that if he doesn't it will be used against him in our upcoming court case (Mom is actually petitioning the court for a guardian ad litem).  So, even though I have limited legal knowledge, I do know that your refusal to take the children on your stipulated visitation time will only be used against you.  This is just my opinion but it does not seem like the right move under the circumstances and certainly is not in the best interest of your children who need their father in their lives.  Those of us fighting for visitation get very emotional about someone who isn't exercising his...please forgive this!
If you want to get some actual legal advice about this, try the Socrateaser forum.  Remember to follow his guidelines for posting your question.
Hope this is helpful,
Lawless

I don't think the suggestion was to purposefully leave the child out of a family activity.  The suggestion was for Dad to go on his weekend trips on the weeks when the Mom has the child and to stay in town and participate in the sports events when he has the child.  This would not be leaving him behind as he is with his Mom.

It is important to keep sending the children notes even if they don't want them.  Remind them constantly that they are loved and when they grow up, they will remember this.  Keep plugging.  It does eventually make a difference.  This is the advice we are getting from my SDs' counselors.  Never stop communicating!  Have you read "Divorce Poison"?  It has been a helpful book for us.
Lawless

The Ex has petitioned the court for a guardian ad litem claiming that she is "powerless" to help my fiance's 2 teenage girls resolve their issues with their father.  Both girls are refusing visitation due to all emotional reasons (anger because of the divorce).  I am wondering if anyone has experience with a GAL?  We are hoping that this might actually be a good thing.
Thanks for your help.

Lawless

I have been in this situation where a boy on my son's soccer team was only taken to soccer by his Mom and not his Dad.  I must admit, although it does seem that we should be able to do whatever we want with our kids when they are with us, it is a burden on the other boys, the coach, and the team to have one player gone half of the time.  It seems that the message to your son is that since the divorce, he does not have to commit to the same level as the other kids.  He is also taking a space from another child who is willing to commit to the fullest level.

I do completely agree with you that the judgement seems biased but I believe that we need to teach children as young as 10 what it means to commit to a team.  The best scenario would be for the 2 parents to decide together (with your son, of course) which sports to commit to.  Then, it is important for both to participate.  This is not about getting back at the Ex, it is about your son and setting an example for him.  He probably would prefer to only commit 1/2 of the time and be on vacation the other 1/2 but this is not really what it is like being on a team.

The boy I mentioned above eventually took a stand with his father and at age 13 started coming to all practices and games.  By the way, he is our most talented player now at age 16!

Your weekend trips sound fantastic!  Surely there are "off season" times when you can go a few extra times.....


Lawless

Interesting that when a child refuses to go to school, we force them to go because it is what is best for the child.  When a child refuses to go on visitation with or speak to the non-custodial parent, the resounding advice is to let them choose even though having both parents in their lives is clearly in the child's best interests.    

Thanks for the supportive words.  I will check out the articles.

L.

You may want to post a question on the "Dear Socrateaser" forum for legal advice.  Be sure to read his information regarding how to format your question.
Lawless

You may want to try posting on the "Dear Socrateaser" forum for legal advice.  Be sure to read his posting regarding how to format your question.
Lawless

Debi,
Thanks so much for your postings.  Those phone calls are heartbreaking.  We have had so many of them, I have lost count.

Best of luck on Monday.  

Lawless

Thanks very much for your posting.  Your story is powerful and very helpful!
Lawless

Thanks. I was really looking for people who have actually taken the BM to court to see what happened. I am guessing that it doesn't happen very often as it sounds like a losing battle - or maybe winning the battle but losing the war.  

Even though I probably chose the wrong forum originally (being a newbie), the stories have been useful and I appreciate the time taken to respond.  I feel that it is important to feel comfortable disagreeing and to pose some questions and alternate opinions.  That is what "forums" are all about.

The really upsetting part is that at least one of our teenage daughters is "acting out" in a very dangerous and destructive way that is also stereotypical of a teenage girl without a father in her life. Her safety is the driving force behind our fight.  This is why we are so reluctant to allow her to continue making her own decisions. (See 4honor Feb 3)

It sounds like there are many eventual success stories. We may have to hope that the children will eventually reach out rather than trying to get their Mom to "do the right thing". I continue to believe that adult decisions are not a child's to make (see visitation FAQ #22) but we do recognize that there is only so much that we can do and the legal system is certainly disappointing in this regard. Congrats on having your daughter back in your life.

Lawless