Messages

KittyC,

I did not know that about Utah. Great.

LOL. It's okay to yell.

We are trying to follow the divorce decree by going to mediation. It states any disputes shall be settled first by mediation. Our mediator also informed us it was better to try to mediate first, as we would seem less combative that way.  I don't think either of us want the kids involved in a court battle; although, it seems as if we'll end up there anyway.

There are some items in the divorce decree that we'd like changed:

1) the amount of visitation, preferably with specific dates in the decree, so there can be no further dispute
2) instructions regarding perpetual harassing communication
3) the age the children can decide where they'd like to live (it is currently at 16
4) portions stating he has to carry a life insurance policy with her listed as the beneficiary, on top of a life insurance policy for the children. we are fine with providing for the children, but not her.
5) the children being forced to call stepdad "Dad"
6) the children being threatened with punishment upon their return home if they engage in summertime activities with h (as in, building a treehouse)

The list goes on and on and on....

H and I have been debating mediating the issues we want changed, while also filing contempt charges for the decree violations. We worry; however, that if we do file contempt charges there will be absolutely NO negotiation on her part, and she'll cause the children even further pain.

I think we will employ your suggestion regarding telling the children we'll have to say no in future.

ocean,

The divorce decree states each parent is responsible for one way transportation. He picks them up at the beginning of his visitation time, she picks them up at the end of his visitation time.

Simplydad,

She has filed the divorce decree in Utah. Our understanding is jurisdiction is held where the children live. We moved to AR. in December, equidistant to her place of residence from the original state. However, this apparently now removes jurisdiction from the divorce state to her resident state.

I don't know. I've never been through any of this and I don't DO crazy people.
LOL

We did not force the Spring Break issue because his daughter was so excited, and she should have been; she got a lead role. It's very hard to break the heart of a 9 year old. However, if the ex had NOT scheduled these activities, we wouldn't have been in the position of having to do that.

As for summer break.  His visitation time now stands at 42 days. She has stated she'd "allow" him an extra week if we agreed to release the children early. She informed him he can only have 30 days, plus the week she's graciously granting him as she screwed him out of Spring Break. She will "give" him 37 days, if he agrees to her timing. If not, she states he can only have 30.

As of yesterday, she agreed to go to mediation, but with the following caveats, of course:

1) We pay for everything
2) I am not allowed to be in the room

Each step of the way, there's always a caveat. One MORE thing she believes we HAVE to do in order to please her.  She has already started trying to "sway" the mediator, by informing the mediator that she's TRIED to talk to H, but *I* won't let him. Which, a) isn't true, and b) even when we requested that she stop harassing him, she completely ignored the request and continued to email him anyway.

Unless our mediator is familiar with persons having personality disorders, I don't really see anything changing.

Sigh.

The children have one mobile phone, provided by him. It is not always charged, so he cannot always talk to them on the phone. Mom simply states that as she is not allowed access to the phone bill, she doesn't know what goes on with the phone, sorry.

Although, they are supposed to have electronic access to him, per the divorce decree, she does not allow them to be on the computer.  His only means of contact is the cell phone he provides for them.

Yes, it is long distance.  She remarried two weeks after the divorce was final, and moved the children to Utah with her new hubby...who is unemployed, now on his 4th marriage, and has 3 children from previous marriages.

We were SUPPOSED to see them at Spring Break (April). We had plans and a schedule in early February for Spring Break. In early March, ex sent an email saying "Sorry. Youngest D has a play that week." She, ONCE AGAIN, schedule extracurricular activities during his possession time. We could not afford to go their home state and stay for a week or even a day, so we didn't see them.  One week before Spring Break, youngest daughter tells him that her play has been cancelled for Spring Break....but he couldn't get vacation time that quickly so...

The play apparently was this past weekend, but no one informed H, so we weren't able to send flowers or pay to have it videotaped by a local photographer.

I believe she went after the kids, because she has not received a response to her emails and threats.  It seems she can only go about 2 weeks without finding something to pester him about. If she doesn't get a reaction, then she finds something else. It feels a little like he's being held hostage, "Do what I want or I'll destroy the children." I really worry she will simply escalate if he continues to ignore her.

The kids are 13, 10, 9, and 7.

We won't see them again until June, which I believe is the biggest issue. As it stands, the last time we saw them was November, so he's going 6 months plus without seeing his kids...and she's throwing a fit over a few days.

Of course, the kids could GO to camp, if she'd just be reasonable. We'd gladly back the schedule up a week so the kids could go, but she won't do that. She simply wants to limit his time.

The oldest daughter has stated she does not WANT to go to camp here, so with regard to that, we're stuck. I think it would be great for her, actually, because she could establish frienships here, but it doesn't appear to be going that way.

[time]

I think that she will cause as many problems as she possibly can. She has caused problems each and every time he's had the children. If it's not a barrage of text messages wanting to know his exact arrival time, it's refusing to pack the chilren appropriate clothing, or calling him crying about whatever new issue she has cooked up (as a general rule, they do not talk on the phone. 2 phone calls in the last year), or being at least a day late in picking the children up. She simply can't go by the rules. It doesn't matter. It's drama all the time.

H and his ex have been debating summer visitation since early February. Summer visitation is HIS choice, based upon the divorce decree. If he and she cannot agree on dates, then visitation defaults to the dates set forth in the Standard Possession Order. After numerous arguments, he finally stated he'd be going with the dates in the SPO, and has refused to budge. (Tired of arguing, when it was his choice to begin with).

She threatened contempt if he did not change his dates to suit her. She then stated the children had camp during his time of possession(which per the divorce decree, she is not supposed to schedule) and so, in the best interest of the children, he should release the children to her on the dates she requested. He has refused and has finally begun ignoring her, as he's asked repeatedly that she stop with the barrage of emails. She won't stop. Still sends them anyway.

Well, since she couldn't win by bullying, she went after his children, telling his children that he didn't care if they went to camp or not, and that he really didn't want them to go anyway.  Thus, he spent quite some time on the phone listening to his children cry, while mom and stepdad listened in, making snide comments. (Which they are also NOT supposed to do, per the divorce decree)

Now, we are stuck. What exactly do you do in this situation, where mom believes it's okay to hurt her children, so long as she feels like she's "won"?