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Wow, that doesnt make sense to me either but I will locate the book and read it Thankyou. I am glad me and him never got married bc a divorce with him would be pure hell. (not that anyone elses isnt but i dont know that) Thankyou and I will take your advice.

Something I forgot to put in about the weed smoking. I know for a FACT that he smokes weed from the time he wakes up till he goes to bed and so does his GF I have seen him do it and I honestly think he is back on meth but I have no proof and I have no proof he is doing it around my son. I just wanted to point out that i dont think he does weed, I KNOW he does weed. He admitted it in mediation actually, but I knew before then.

Here is my sons BD comments:

1A. NO REPLY, Just shrugged at me
  B. His boss wouldnt give him a long lunch
  C. Doesnt get off work in time and has another child at home to worry about ( I have 2 other children as well)
  D.NO REPLY, just shrugged
  E.He says he asks Lukis
  F. NO REPLY, just shrugged
  G. NO REPLY, again just shrugged

2A. He says I wasnt "specific enough"
  B. Says He was at work

3A. Says I send him dirty and he stinks- denied not giving him bath
  B.He doesnt sleep all night, stays up and watches TV
* Sleeps all night at my house
  C. NO REPLY
  D. says they were the clothes I sent him in and that I dont give his clothes back

4A. Says I wasnt supposed to have him at all that weekend
  B. Says I dont send him in underwear so he sends him back in his underwear and he had no underwear on when returned because he didnt have any
  C. He didnt want to go to parenting classed because "he doesnt need them." but he did recieve the letter
  D. Says my husband does the same thing and denied his GF doing it
*My husband leaves the room when we talk so he doesnt have the want to get involved.

5A. Doesnt play that game anymore
  B. Always stops when lukis wants to- Lukis comes home and says otherwise
 
6A. NO REPLY- Shrugged and grinned
  B. Doesnt know where he got it
  C. Denied saying that to him
  D. Denied saying that to him
  E. Denied
  F. Denied
  G. Shrugged and grinned NO REPLY
  H. Denied, (2 different stories between him and his GF)
  I. Says uses the N word as a slang toward his friends "not a big deal"
  J. Says "everybody fights"
* I dont ever argue in front of my kids
  K. Denied calling me a B****


He pretty much turnedeverything I said and made it look like it was coming from me and the mediator was fishing him excuses like:

"well you couldnt make it because I imagine you were at work"
"did you give him notice?"
"well you probably just didnt have the time bc of your new baby"
* I have a 2 month and 2 yr old *
"maybe you should let him take him every wednesday to let him catch up"

and many more the only thing she said in my defense was the parenting classes. I dont think she was mediating very well. She would fish him these excuses and of course he would agree to them. She gave me a bad attitude the entire time. I think I just made things a lot worse. Any comments appreciated. I feel like a fool that I actually thought he would want to talk and work on working together. I feel like I may have put my son in more danger. I am scared of what hes going to do to Lukis because he knows lukis told me all this.

One more thing- During mediation BD left my son outside in the truck with his grandpa and GF and they didnt have the truck on in 100 degree weather. My son got in my van and told me he didnt feel good because he was too hot. He was flushed out and ready to pass out. He was also in a long sleeve shirt and pants. This really ticked me off. Mediation was 3 hours long.

I feel like I am just going to have to wait unitl my son is dead or hospitalized b4 I can do a damn thing about this.
 

OK well things might b worse but i would liketo thank ALL of u for your comments, I have certainly put them all to use or kept in mind.
I went to mediation last weekend (9-18-05) and i think by going, things became worse. This update is going to be a couple posts long but i want all the information in this so you can get a good picture and then I can understand your advice better if you choose to reply. ALL replies welcome whether you agree, disagree or indifferent. I need to know if what I am doing is right for my son. I am a young mother and this is my first child of 3 so i really have a lot to learn still. Here's my outline i made for mediation/list to discuss with my sons dad. The next post will b his comments to each topic and the mediators comments. NOTE: During mediation i did NOT at all accuse him of anything on the list. I asked him for his input on our sons behavior that has suddenly occurred in the past 7 months.

Mediation List of Things to Discuss
1. Not Being Involved with Lukis- Facts
  A. Kindergarten Night- didnt show up
  B. Kindergarten Screening (I asked him to go)- didnt show up
  C. Karate Nights- dosent come when he tells lukis he will be there
  D. First Day of Kindergarten- never even called to ask how it went
  E.Hasnt asked how hes doing in school
  F. Hasnt wanted to see his work hes been doing
  G. Called him to let him know about 103.8 fever- never called back

2. Not informing me of Changes
  A. His GF's hospitalization-I let him have him 3 days that were my week and asked him to call if anything changed (she was going in labor)
She was sent home that night and he never called
  B. His GF (i had never met) brought Lukis home and told me BD was helping dad (Lukis told me he went with the police and BD told me he was working)

3. Physical Appearance when brought back after 2 days
  A. Dirty/ Stinks
  B. Black Bags under eyes
  C. Shaky
  D. Returned Lukis in 95 degree heat with a 2T Sweatshirt(he wears a 6) and 3T pants (he wears a 7) and put on his coat. None of these clothes were the clothes I sent with him.

4. Picking Fights with my son around
  A. Lukis's Birthday (He was only supposed to have him from 9-6 and argued that I couldnt have him until 2 days after his bday when he knew i had a party planned at 8.)
  B. Sent him home with no underwear and told me I have all his underwear (yelling at me)
  C. I wrote him a "truce" letter offering parenting classes for parents that live apart ( Parenting Together Living Apart- name of classes)- he never responded and refused parenting classes with me
  D. His GF cussing me out in the background when I am trying to talk to him (my son was at his house and i could hear him crying hysterically) so I hung up to hopefully stop the yelling over there.

5. Violence
  A. He lets him play a MA rated game that i asked him to not let him play bc he comes home being violent towards my 2 yr old.
  B. Play fighting is ok but he doesnt stop when my son asks him to so he ends up being upset and not wanting to go back

6. Concerning things Lukis says when he comes home
  A. Our house is not his home
  B. If he doesnt hurt his brother then the bad guys from jail will come kill him
  C. He doesnt have to listen to us because his dad says so
  D. If he calls my husband dad then he will get spanked
    a. Scared of dad because of this
  E. He is not supposed to love us when he is at his dads
  F. He does not get showers or baths- begs for a shower the night he comes home
  G. Police officers are bad-doesnt like them ( I am in the police academy to be a police officer)
  H. Lukis questioning me about his BD going away with the police
  I. Swearing at us and using discriminating words towards other races (e.g. N****R, B***H, F***ER, and many more)
 J. His BD is mean to his GF and he doesnt like it
  K. Asked why his dad calls me a B****

7. Smoking weed around my son
  A. Wasnt able to tie Lukis's shoes, took him 3 trys on each shoe, moving slowly, and avoiding any eye contact or conversation with me
  B. Lukis rolled up a peice of paper like a joint(licked it and twisted the ends then acted like he was smoking it)

8. Calling Lukis names
  A. F***ER- I have yelled at him for saying this to him, I was present when this occurred
  B. Prick- Lukis asked me to tell him not to call him this bc it hurts his feelings
  C. Whiny baby- Upset Lukis and he wouldnt talk to us because "I am just a whiny baby" Lukis's exact words


This is my mediation outline, I am going to post his remarks and as you may have gathered in the beginning of post that it didnt go very well.

I agree with joni.. stand firm and keep same rules at both houses..  That will prevent SS from playing "good guy, bad guy" on you and your ex and he will know what is expected. My brother had the same problem with 2 of my brothers on this issue. What she did(it helped) was call the teacher and let him/her know whats going on and the teacher would actually call my mom and let her know what homework was going to be coming home so my mom already knew what they were bringing home. My sons teacher has a computer in her room that she can recieve email on and thats how i communicate with her. See if you can send his teacher an email and then maybe she can just email his lessons  to you everyday until he understands what he is doing is not acceptable will not b tolerated. Hope this helps.....

You know...if my ex was half the man you sound like, I would have no problems..lol.... I am going through something somewhat similar, only my ex is messing with my sons head..  He is too very controlling and I think that he only wants my son to be in some control... He never does anything for my son or with him unless it fits in his schedule(which is only on his weekends)... I deal with him the way I deal with a 9 yr old kid (pretty much his maturity level)   In your case, I would probably just explain to your son that sometimes parents disagree and not to take it to heart..Kids will do that..they will blame themselves for anything.. If you two fight then he will automatically think it is his fault... Is there anyway to get her to mediation or co-parenting counseling? I would definately try that. Just dont fight with her, that makes her think shes winning.. Dont let her upset you, most importantly dont fight in front of your son, but by the way things sound your pretty much doing all you can...how old is your son?  I have 3 boys... 5, 3 and 2 months...I know how you feel, i feel the same way...Im so sorry that you have to go through something like this...Its very frustrating...Just hang in there and do what you can..Just dont make my mistake..dont dwell on what you cant do, do what you can  It makes it a little easier... God Bless and good luck..... sorry if i didnt help any

Thanks for your story, see I dont want to take him from him I just want him to get over what hes mad at me about and not use my son as a weapon against my feelings... I just dont know how to get him to understand that he is confusing and hurting my son in the process of playing his revenge tactics on me....

thanks i will keep you updated    thanks for all the advice  i appreciate everyones time...

i agree with you on everything. I just didnt think of those things. Thank you  As far as my son is concerned hes been seeing his psychologist for about 8 months or so, hes slowly starting to open up about a lot of stuff he just clams up when his dad is brought into the conversation and he tells us his dad doesnt want him to talk about it. I am ready for the long haul...

I see both your points about the psychologist (inviting the father) I agree that i should I am just scared he will use that to his advantage and plant things in his head to say. But I have given it a lot of thought and I have just about decided to invite him. I will write the letter and post it that sounds like a good idea bc i tend to get angry and write it like that. fresh, neutral eyes would be best Thankyou...