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Have you checked your state statutes to make sure that your current spouse's income cannot be included in your custody evaluation?  Some states do include the spouse's income and some do not.

Are you sure that your Ex's objection is without merit?  Have you looked into the laws of your state to see if they were violated?

If you can prove that no law was violated, then you say so.  But you can't just say so off the top of your head and hope for the best.  You won't gain the judge's respect in doing that.  Research the laws and know them, and then if you have reason to say she's wrong then say she's wrong.

You say you are tired of being abused.  If you are talking physical or emotional abuse (like her loudly screaming at you or threatening you), I would suggest calling the police when your SO gets abusive.  The first thing in your favor would be having proof of the abuse, so calling the police and having them make a report will begin to give you proof that your SO causes problems in the home.

Do you have friends and family that will vouch that you're the child's primary caregiver?

The problem with that is that in many of the family issues I've read a judge will allow a protective or restraining order against someone with basically no evidence.  It doesn't seem to matter if it's a man or a woman, though I think that probably men do have orders placed against them more often.  That's just the nature of a woman's response (do something legal to stop/control him (even if he doesn't deserve it)) and it's also how she is led to do things by society and the institutions that support women.

I'm nowhere near saying that's the right response.  I'm just saying that the sad reality of today.

I would have a tendency to say that except for a family issue when relatives or friends are visiting short term, it's not appropriate for a child to be sleeping on the floor.

Do you and your ex have a separation agreement?  Do you have terms of custody written out for your daughter?  If not, you might want to start putting those together or you could find yourself on the outside with little or no access to your daughter.

You can add things in like equivalent rules for both parents, eg neither of you can have a non-parent sleeping in the home, unless X criteria are met.  (Put that one out there and ex might change how she does things, since she'd be caught up in the rule too.)  You need to spell out if you have joint legal custody.  You need to spell out what the visitation schedule is for your daughter seeing you.

You need these guarantees because until you have them your ex can do anything she wants and who can you complain to?  You haven't got anything in writing to point to for help to enforce your rights.

Is there a custody order on file for the child?

Kitty is right.  Once the custody is set you would need one or more reasons for the judges to make a change.  If you have reasons - document, document, document!  You'll need records of what the problems have been.

you found out that your discussions on another self-help board were being copied and posted to another discussion board without your (previous) knowledge or approval?

The originating discussion board is similar to this SPARC board in that it's for discussing divorce relationships.  The offending discussion board, just by its name, is obviously used to attack and denigrate people behind their backs.  However, I don't think any extensive personal information has been given out beyond the basics.

because DH had complained to BM's agent that BM wouldn't let SD9 call us while she was visiting.  Sat down with the agent and I think this is the best talk we've ever had with her.  She finally seemed to be more on our side, or at least she was open to us in a way she hadn't been for quite a while.  :thumbs_up:

We talked to her about SD not being allowed to call us.  We talked to her about SD saying she thought the BF was drinking again.  She (the agent) then talked to SD and we learned more.  Now - with some pushing - SD admitted that the BF has now had a drink in front of her.  "But only half a beer.  He drinks half and then puts the other half in the refrigerator."    And then she told CPS that "That's okay, though, because Mommy and I have talked to him about that and that's all he's allowed to have."  Yeah - and how many other folks let their beer go flat until the next day?  Not!  The naivete of kids.

And SD did a lot of 'I don't remembers' which the CPS agent was mostly able to push her past.  With the story about drinking, that tells me that BM has been coaching SD on what she is and isn't supposed to say.

The CPS agent said later that she was confused.  She said, "BM seemed so interested in having SD visit before this and now..." She just put her hands out like she didn't understand what was happening.  And I said to her, "Well, I had the feeling that either you or the other CPS agent had talked to BM and told her that she wouldn't get custody of SD."  The CPS agent then admitted she told BM there was no way she'd get custody back.  Then DH chimes in, "And that's when things changed.  When she couldn't get custody she didn't need to impress you anymore." 

Of course the thing we carefully didn't add, so as not to jeopardize our statements, was the rest of the truth.  Once BM realized she wouldn't be getting the child support back, then she didn't have to try anymore.  She didn't have to take or make phone calls with SD, she didn't have to appear to want to spend more time with SD, and her BF didn't need to appear to have stopped drinking.

I'm betting that the agent won't have made all those connections, but DH and I have.
So, the agent is now going to call BM and tell her that BM must let SD call us whenever she wants.  :thumbs_up:  The agent also said that if we have problems with contacting SD while she's with BM for two weeks then we can contact her and ask her to get involved.  (We asked for this and she agreed.)  And the agent will be doing a 'home study' with SD and BM during the two weeks that SD is spending summer vacation at BM's!  Which is great because then BM and the BF will have to be nicer to SD!  :thumbs_up:

I'll tell you, trying to keep up with these BM's and keep them from messing up people's (and kids) lives is exhausting!   

I'm very curious about how this played out, as we had something very similar happen but over something much more minor.

SDalmost9 told us that BM wouldn't let her use knives at BM's, even though SD has been cutting her foods with a knife for 8-9 months and has even begun making salads with a paring knife in the last 2-3 months.  Now, we accepted that as sounding like how BM would act because BM has been infantizing SD somewhat - not wanting SD to be told about how her body is developing, not wanting SD to have t-shirt type coverings that look something like a sports bra, even though SD is developing a bit.

So, last week we decide to tell BM about SD's knife usage here in hopes it would encourage BM to let SD grow up a little at BM's.  DH tells BM about SD cutting her foods.  BM looks at SD and says, "You told me you weren't allowed!"  SD just has an 'uh oh' look on her face.  DH tells BM about SD making salads.  BM says, "All right, my girl.  You're going to start doing more stuff around my place, then."  So it turns out that all this time SD has been telling us that BM won't let her use knives, and telling BM that we won't let her use knives!    

I spoke to SD's therapist about this and she says not to get too upset about it.  It's just the divorce version of playing one parent against another.     

Anyhow, now it makes us wonder about a lot of stuff.  Like right now BM is apparently not letting SD phone us on weekends - which would be a normal MO for BM, since she just told SD not to call her on weekends anymore.  BM tends to make unilateral decisions, and if she's going to cut SD out of calling her she'll also cut SD out of calling us.  But when we said something to BM, BM says SD is lying - which now after the knife thing we can't be completely sure who is telling the truth.  Fortunately we still have CPS involved (after BM's BF abusing SD), so we can let CPS put their foot down on the phone call, whether SD is telling the truth or not.