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Thank you for the additional information, I will be spending a lot of time reading on that site. It is great!!

Thank you for the suggestions. I have called her on her lies and even when I have proof of the lie she still insist she isn't lying. It is quite frustrating.
Example; after she went to live with her BF and SM we had a party for my niece and my daughter went with me to the party. While at the party she told my sister "you know, I can divorce my mom and this family any time I want to" because my sister was shocked by what my daughter said and in the middle of entertaining guest she didn't respond. When I said something to my daughter about making that comment, she swore up and down that she NEVER said that and wouldn't say that cause she doesn't feel that way. My daughter wanted to know who told me that because they were lying and she wanted to confront them herself. A few weeks later I was having a discussion with BF and he said they aren't trying to turn her against me and I said if that is true then why is she telling my family that she can divorce me any time she wants? BF's first response was "I told her she should have never said that" (Busted) Even BF admitted she said it. I got my duaghter on the phone and told her that her dad just admitted she said it, so I knew she was lying. I got a letter from my daughter shortly after that, saying that she never said anything about divorcing me and that her dad lied to me and said she did to keep me from yelling at her. So even when she knows I know the truth, she will say everyone else is lying and not her. As far as things not making sence. What sence does it make that her dad would lie and say she was talking about divorcing me so that I woudln't get upset and yell at her????  Of course I'm going to be upset that the child I have devoted my life to for 14 1/2 years has suddenly decided she doesn't want to live with me anymore and is telling people she can divorce me any time she wants.

Thanks again for your thoughts, it helps to have a place to share this stuff with people who are going through similar problems.

K

Is there any way to reverse PAS that has been going on for years unrecognized? I read the guidelines last night of identifing PAS and although I knew my daughters BF and SM had turned her against me, I didn't realize that the things they had been doing all these years were actually PAS. They have made me an outsider in my daughters life when up to 10 months ago I was the one who did everything with her and they did nothing. She rarely talks to me now and when she does she lies constantly. I don't know how to change it, does anyone have suggestions or know what articles I should be reading?
BTW, my PAS situation is different then what I have read about. This PAS was done by BF and SM while my duaghter has been living with me for the last 14 years. So just because you have custody, doesn't mean that the OP can't do this to your child. I helped them and didn't even realize it until it was too late and now I have lost custody and have only standard holiday visitation. I kick myself everyday and now I can see how they have been doing this for the last 14 years. I wonder what I could have done to change it. I think any attempts on my part to change what was happening over the last 14 years would have only gotten them what they were after earlier.

K

Not exactly what I was hoping for, but thank you for the information.

KB

Thank you

Hi Soc, sorry to jump in with another question while I have one pending .

I live in Texas and that is where my custody and support order are filed. In our court order, a withholding from earnings was filed. Because there was a change in our order, from my ex paying me to me paying him there was some confusion with the payments.

My employer never received the order, so after waiting about a month I thought I should go ahead and mail in the two months payments that would have been due by that time. About a week after I mailed them they were direct deposited into my account as payments from my ex to me. I contacted my ex and told him what had happened and that my employer never got the order and that his attorney never made the necessary changes with the state.

About a month later I got a letter from the state saying that the account had been set up to receive payments from me. My ex received a letter at the same time and called me complaining that my employer had not sent him anything. I explained to him that my employer never received anything from the courts and that my payments had been returned.

Ex has a letter from the courts stating that the order was delivered to my employer on Oct 25th? Yet my employer never recieved it. I have been making my child support payments myself every pay day. Paying through the state of course.

What I would like to know is..

1) Since the withholding was never received and I have been paying myself, when my DD turns 18 and Graduates, do I need to go back to court to stop the CS obligation?  

2)Or since I am paying it can I just stop when that time comes?

My Ex does not know that I am paying and not my employer.

Thanks!

I am the NCP and per my custody order have full access to my DD School and medical records. I had custody for 14 1/2 years up until Oct 2004. I live in Texas and the court order is also in Texas.

I sent an email to the principle of DD school, stated who I was and that I wanted to know what information they needed from me in order to get current and future records sent to me. I explained that she could look in my DD records to see that I was listed in her records up until this school year. I also asked that she not confuse me with my DD's SM as we have the same first name.

The principle contacted me by phone and told me that she had given my email address to the Registrar and that she would be contacting me by email to get my mailing address. She stated that I would be provided with the records I requested.

I was glad that the records were being released to me, but I was a little concerned that they did not ask for any identification or a signed request. About a month later, my DD accidentally (I assume) told me that the school had contacted her SM to get permission to release the records to me.

Today I received a letter from BF (CP) in which he also mentions knowing I contacted the school. I have no problem providing the school anything they need from me in order to release records. I do have a problem with the school calling DD's step mother for permission. I don't know everything that her BF or SM discuss with the school and don't feel they have a right to know about every request or conversation I have either.

So here are my questions.

1) Can I prevent the school from calling SM every time I contact them?

2) Do I have privacy rights concerning my personal communication with my DD school?

Thank you
KB

We do go nuts!!! Why do you think we are all on here venting? Kids need to learn that there are different rules in different houses. BM is purposely making you, DH and your son look bad to benefit herself.

SD is going to tell BM what ever will get her the most attention and the most prizes for good behavior (to BM that is bad mouthing al of you) If SD was to go home and say she loves you and your son and loves staying at dads house, BM would get mad and probably wouldn't buy her all the toys and things that she gets at home. If she tells BM she hates all of you and her visits, then she get specail attention and toys.

What would you do? Remember, she has to live with that woman so keeping her happy is probably very important.

We have told my SK's we don't care if you tell your mom what we do here, just don't lie to her. I think more often then not, BM takes what they tell her and twist it then gets the kids to believe that is the way it happened.

For instance, 12 yo SS is a bed wetter. In the beginning I beleived that this was somthing he had no control over and hopeful something he would grow out of. We only have them 4 or 5 weeks a year so there is no time for us to truely work with him on the problem.
As time went on I came to the conclusion that it is in fact something he could stop and chooses not to.
The first sign was one night I told the kids to get ready for bed before watching a movie. SS wears a pull-up to bed every night. When the movie was over, I told the kids it was time for bed and SS said he needed to change his pull-up. I ask why and he said because this one is wet. (Yes!!! he sat right there and wet himself while watching the movie)
The next sign was one morning he told us he was dry when he got up, but then I used it after I woke up. (Yes!! he again wet himself while awake)
Then he started coming to the breakfast table in we pull-ups and I make him leave the table and change before he is allowed to eat. I have told him he is way to old to be okay with sitting in a wet diaper!
BM said that SS had told her and the school that he didn't want to come to our house anymore because we punish him for being a bed wetter.

That is totally untrue!! We tell him when he is awake that it is discusting for him to sit around in a wet pull-up or wet himself while he is awake because he is being to lazy to go t the restroom. That has nothing to do with being a bed wetter. (it is easier for BM to let him sit around and wet himself then to work with him on breaking the problem.)
We have the same problem with 8 yo SD. Last time she stayed with us for two weeks, she went 7 nights with no pull-up and only wet the bed one night. I told her I was very proud of her and felt that she should start sleeping without a pull-up at home.
Last time we saw the kids, we had to go to them and stayed in a hotel. SD had pull-ups with her and put them on. She said she never went without them at home. (We are not the bad guys here, but BM makes sure we look like it!)


Sorry for the extra vent. LOL

You just have to stand your ground on the rules at your house. If you give into her then things will only get worse. Don't buy your children, just love them. They may stray, but one day they will see that you had their best interest at heart!

KB

Just thought I would chime in on the subject. I have never had a problem with my kids getting along with my step children, I have been very lucky in that. My children have however complained about the things we do for my step children (which we only have 2 or 3 times a year for 1 to 2 weeks at a time.) My children are jealous of my DH's kids. No matter how much I try to explain to them that we only have them 4 or 5 weeks a year and they are much younger then my children it doesn't seem to matter.

My step kids are fine with my kids too although you would never know that if you spoke to their mother. She has complained that her children don't like my daughter because she is mean to them. (We all know that is total crap included the step kids.) The step kids said they don't know why their mom said that. (I'm sure they told her that to make her happy)

Are you able to talk to SD at all or does she already roll her eyes at you and DH every time you speak to her?

If you are able to talk to her, ask her exactly what it is that she is upset about? Ask her if she is really upset about them or is it more that her mom gets upset? (Only if you are really able to talk to her ask about mom, otherwise it will get back to her and make things worse.)
If SD says that she thinks you all are nicer to your kids then her, then ask how. Ask for examples and if she needs time to think of them, then give it to her. Once you have examples then work with each complaint individually.

You don't make your kids do their homework and I get in trouble.
This could be because the younger kids don't have homework, or some other reason. Ask if it would be better to her if the other kids were given and age appropriate project during her homework time, so that they would be busy doing something too.

Here is one from my daughter- You fix their plate and you don't do that for me.
They are 6 and 8... you are 14, you are plenty old enough to fix your own plate, they do not need to be climbing around a hot stove or messing with sharp knives.
It is for their safty that I do not allow them to fix their own plates yet. You on the other hand are old enough and big or tall enough to earn the freedom of making your own plate and getting to select how much of each thing you want.

You see where I'm going with this. Same goes for your kids, it may be possible that they are jealous of big sister too. Just find out what each of them are really feeling and what their real complaints are. Then talk about those complaints and determine if there is anything that can be done about them or if that is just the way things are and everyone needs to work together to make it happen. Let the kids know this is their opportunity to speak up and let you know what is bothering them so that you can all work on resolving the problem before it gets worse.

Hope this helps

KB

Thank you very much for the response mishelle2,

You are right about DD being daddy's little protector. I know that is my fault as well. I spent many years not saying anything about his failure to participate and all the while tried to keep him informed. It was difficult at times because of things he would say and do, but I kept my mouth shut.

Over the last few years it became much harder to keep my mouth shut and when I would blow I blew about his non-participation in her treatment and life in general. As you said, when I would blow and tell her things, she would defend him all the more. All that did was tick me off more.

I know DD is seeing the truth now, things that she says and questions that she ask. She has ask lots of questions over the past year and the answer is always something I did, she did or she and I got the doctors to do. When she ask questions, her father is not mentioned because he was not part of it. I don't have to point that out to her, I only have to answer the question and she can see for herself.

DD telling me that her dad and SM don't know what they are doing when it comes to Shriners told me a lot about how her feelings have changed.

Quick update.. BF took DD to her appointment, I contacted her physical therapist before the appointment and told her that DD had a lot of questions for the Dr and that she may not be comfortable asking them with her BF there. I ask the PT to help encourage the questions if DD wasn't able to. DD had me walk her through her appointment over the phone the night before the appointment.

I told DD that she has been going to Shriners for a long time and she has been watching me long enough. I told her that if she has questions or concerns she knows she should come right out and ask the Dr. Be honest with him and he will do the same for her. I told her that if she was uncomfortable talking to them with her dad there then she should ask the Dr. if she could talk to him privately. DD said she wouldnt do that.

So I got an email from the PT after the visit that just said to call her. She said DD ask all the questions and shined like a star. She said "we saw your ex-husbands true colors" YEEPEE!!!! (That part was my response. LOL)

DD was put back in a cast to stretch her out again. DD and the Dr. decided that she will probably never drive and BF was told very strictly that he is not to be parent teaching her and that he is putting his daughter in danger doing that not to mention everyone else on the road. BF said they would keep working with her until they find out she just can't do it. The Dr. looked at BF and said Guess what? she just can't do it!

After they got home from the appointment, SM told DD that she should keep practicing so that if anything ever happened she could at least drive short distances. (THESE PEOPLE JUST DON"T GET IT!!) DD told me that her Dr. told her not to drive and she is not going to dirve.

I really appreciate everyones input. It helps to vent and get other opinons on things.

Thanks
KB