Messages

If the mediation is pending being signed by the judge, then there is an open motion that should be heard BEFORE her latest stint.

But definitely have a lawyer get into this with you.  It doesn't sound like this woman has any argument stating that the child is in danger or that the mediated schedule is detrimental.....it's all about the mom - not the child.  

5 months is quite a bit of time to have a new status quo.....and I would argue even further back than that given that you were in the home, stay at home dad......

Good luck!!!
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dsm - 36; DH - 39; SD - 17; LO - 11; BB - 3
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3 Cheap Entertainment cats - Sam,  Snoop & Dagger
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Live, Love, and Laugh
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I'm not a lawyer, so my advice is simply my reaction and humble opinion to situations.  Any direction given should not be taken as a guarantee of anything.

I've been away from this board for a little bit, but was catching up and saw your post below.

How old are your skids?  I am assuming you and your DH are wanting to go for full custody, yes?  Are you prepared to raise the girls in a balanced situation and keep them exposed to their 'white' side as well as their 'black' side?  How do you plan to do that?  

With respect to the corn rows in their hair.  Does their mom understand how to care for them?  I mean no disrespect to you or your husband, so please don't take anything I say here as a jab.  Our kids are mixed and I braid their hair frequently (the girls anyway, BB's hair is kept faded)  My SD's hair is very difficult to keep in braids - and she has also had corn rows put in at various times of her life.  While she has the coarse texture to her hair, it has a fly-away fineness at times, so it doesn't always cooperate with the standard 'black' hair styles.  My LO has even more of the fly-away fineness that she gets from my hair, but her hair likes to be in braids but does not take to the sheens and moisturizing lotions that my SD uses.   My point to this is not to downplay anything, but to suggest that there maybe was a valid reason for the corn rows coming down so quickly.

When we got custody of my SD, race was brought into the mix and it was a bone of contention for the GAL in considering her recommendation.  She was concerned with uprooting my SD and taking her away from the neighborhoods and city she had been living in with her mom and putting her in our environment.  What helped us was being able to show how my SD would have more of a balanced opportunity to get to know both sides of her heritage and that there was a big status quo of 7+ years of all summer, extended breaks from school, etc and that SD had relationships with people in our town so it would not be as traumatic as it could have appeared to be.  

A bigger thing that helped us, however, was getting outside, unbiased perspective in the form of teachers.  There was a huge difference in how SD performed when she had just come off time with us versus the day-to-day with her mom.  We went to parent-teacher conferences; the school secretary knew us by face and sound of our voice on the telephone - PB did not attend conferences (until the very end of the battle and that was just an image thing IMHO); the teacher and school people did not know who she was.   We also had proof of negligence and child welfare reports to back it all up.  Again - outside perspective which could not be twisted to say they were for one side or the other.

My advice to you is to confirm that there is a more tangible harm being done to the girls than not being regularly exposed to their blackness.  It could be argued that by your own contention, they spend summers and breaks with you - that alone is exposing them.  What more would you have their mother do?   Is she really able to educate them on what it means to be black?  Or would it be better to negotiate more time with the girls so that they make their own inferences and learn from their own experiences?

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dsm - 36; DH - 39; SD - 17; LO - 11; BB - 3
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3 Cheap Entertainment cats - Sam,  Snoop & Dagger
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Live, Love, and Laugh
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I'm not a lawyer and as such, my suggestions are simply my humble opinion on situations, not orders to act in a certain way.

My opinion from what this poster has put out here for us, is that he needs to get some solid ground to build from first.  By all means, it would be best if the mom could separate herself from this 'ownership' mentality and be up front with this dad and allow things to change without a fight.  But from what I read, I don't think that is a reality here.  I think he needs to use some kid-gloves and be Mr. Nice Guy right now - give his daughter something to hold on to that she will be able to look at to know that her dad isn't a bad guy like she has been told.  He is gaining ground right now where the gma and mom are being more civil with him.  I'd hate to see him lose that by going too strong too fast.  I think he should try to work with what he has for tools right now - word things carefully so as not to tip her off to his big goal, but stlil stand strong and keep asking for the time.  Each time he gets a denial, it is another piece of ammo to put in his arsenal when the time is right to go in with guns blaring.

We've lived this too.  Before we got custody of my SD almost 3 years ago, we had a 6 hour round trip drive to make.  And her mom fought my DH at every single turn - unless we could make it seem like she was getting something out of it - she's selfish and we had to be a bit deceptive I guess to make it seem as if she were one-upping us.  And sometimes it probably was true that she got the better end of the deal - but then again, we did gain time with SD and that was the most important thing.  Now that we have custody of her, her mother isn't very involved and that has been really difficult for my SD and she is seeing her mom for her true self - without our doing or saying anything to influence that.

It takes time, and it take getting the documentation together, and patience.  
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dsm - 34
DH - 37
SD - 15
LO - 9
BB - 19 months
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2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....

Don't word it that you are exercising the ROFR that is in the order.  You need to take advantage (YES) of the ground that you have gained with how she is being civil right now.  Use that.  Use her needing to be in the hospital, go to appointments, therapy, etc and say that you want to help her out so that she doesn't have to worry about taking care of your DD at the same time as doing all of these things.   Be sweet as you can - when you talk to her, tell her that you can tell that she is tired/worn out/etc - ask what does she need help with?  If she needs some errand run, ask if you can help her out and take DD with you.  I realize that it may appear that you become a door mat, but what you are doing is gaining very important ground - documentation ability - and most importantly - TIME WITH YOUR DAUGHTER.  It will also give your daughter a foundation to build from that you were there to help out - not to fight with her mom.  And that will go a long long way.  

Does that make sense?  Don't get technical with the wording - just keep requesting more time.  For the break that is coming up, I'm sure her mom will want to spend some time with her - and your daughter with her mom and gma too.  Can you see a way that would allow most of the time to be with you, but allow the compromise to be there for the sake of your daughter having time with her mom and gma too?  

Good luck!

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dsm - 34
DH - 37
SD - 15
LO - 9
BB - 19 months
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2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....

There already is talk if I understand the poster's original message correctly that he is worried about the mom or gma saying things to his DD like he is trying to completely take her away from her mom.  What Mixed suggested, and I agree with - is to use the current order to his benefit for the moment and buy time.  The child's schooling needs to be taken into consideration and there are too many unknowns right now.  He posted that he is an hour away - if he were to take the child full time right now, you are looking at 2+ hours a day in a car just to get to and from school - and what if there are bad roads/weather.

It makes alot of sense to sit back, use the current order to request the ROFR for the break that is coming up and every weekend for the time that the mom needs to be in the hospital.  Use this as the opportunity to figure out what is going on with her health - what does the prognosis look like - can a compromise be made somewhere?  And true, that compromise should be made between the dad and the mom - although I'm sure there will be contribution from the gma given that she is with the child on a regular day-to-day basis.  

The poster here needs to keep in mind the best thing for his child - and while it very well could be that she should be with him, is now the right time to enter into that fight?  I don't think so - there isn't enough of a case yet.  However, there is enough to warrant him requesting and getting the extra time with his daughter.  And in the same time give his daughter the security and comfort that her dad is supportive of her relationship with her mom too.


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dsm - 34
DH - 37
SD - 15
LO - 9
BB - 19 months
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2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....

Given the situation that you describe where your DD has shown conflict of the time she is with you already, it would be to your advantage to try to work with the gma and BM - see to get the whole break from school and then weekends.  This allows your DD to retain her day-to-day schedule while you get figured out what is going on more with her mother.  See what you can find out from the gma, or maybe even the mom will be willing to talk with you - if you choose your words carefully so as not to have her go immediately on the defensive end.

Good luck!  Keep us posted!

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dsm - 34
DH - 37
SD - 15
LO - 9
BB - 19 months
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2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....

for sticking it right back to her mom.

But it still sucks that the situation exists that she asks you and your DH to compromise for the sake of her mom.  Some things never change.

Good to hear from you!!!

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dsm - 37; DH - 41; SD - 19; LO - 12; BB - 5
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It's time for me to do for me and mine.  The others can worry about themselves for awhile.

Good to see you!

Hope all is well!!


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dsm - 37; DH - 41; SD - 18; LO - 12; BB - 5
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It's time for me to do for me and mine.  The others can worry about themselves for awhile.

You are right.  It ultimately comes down to what is it worth?

Neighborhood......

The kids who grow up in the type of neighborhood that you describe live day in and day out with wondering if it's safe when they go outside their front door.  Even sitting in their living room or lying in bed to go to sleep at night.  It is a sad thing, and not something I would want to be raising my kids in.  My DH's family live like that; he grew up like that; and we just lost our nephew to a shooting last summer....so yeah, I know what it does and can do.

But....

They do have an outlet with you.  And they have opportunity to see a different way of life when they are with you.

So you are left to do the best with what you have.  Pray for an angel to keep watch over them.  And keep tabs on them the best you can.

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dsm - 37; DH - 41; SD - 18; LO - 12; BB - 5
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It's time for me to do for me and mine.  The others can worry about themselves for awhile.

It is, however, what will be spun by court that she is taking care of them the "best she can".

My advice?

Get tangible documentation together showing the detriment to the children.

Does your DH want to have them full time?  Are you prepared for that?

Meds for ADD....talk to the doctor and the psychiatrist who diagnosed the child.  What does the professional have to say about it?  When is the re-check?  Go to the appointment.  Get a copy of the diagnosis report and the proposed treatment plan.

Missing days from school.....get involved with the school and talk to the teacher(s) on a regular (several times a week) basis.  Let them know that you care and are concerned.  Make it easy for them to contact you.

Neighborhood stuff......again, this is a bit out of your control.  You cannot make the drug dealers and thugs live a different life.  It is not BM's fault that some low-life knocked off another low-life drug dealer.  You can, however, instruct and teach the kids how to react and how to take care of themselves.  And you can encourage BM to move to a better area.

Getting up at night with a baby.......do you have kids of your own?  That pretty much comes with the territory.  My kids had to deal with the baby when he was colicky and even though I tried my hardest to not have them be affected, it happens.  It's a pain to deal with, yes, but it is a part of having a baby.  If they have to share a bedroom, that will be able to be defended fairly easily.....and even them being opposite sexes at this stage will be too.

Time with dad.....your DH can petition for more time.  You need to document, document, document each and every time that your DH requests the time and is denied.  Does the divorce decree address extra time?  If not, that is a point to address in a petition for more time.

True statement  you make that the family court system will not be there to reverse effects of poor choices......not in its current state.



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dsm - 37; DH - 41; SD - 18; LO - 12; BB - 5
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It's time for me to do for me and mine.  The others can worry about themselves for awhile.