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Hi KathyNY,

I used to get mad or irritated whenever my husband shares stuff about the kids with ex wife.  She's not part of OUR family so why the heck should she know?  Then, I stepped back and realized that she's the kids' MOTHER regardless if we like it or not.  Yes, he is NOT OBLIGATED to tell her anything about his time with the kids, but it really is a show of harmonious parenting on his part which is great!  The mother is also NOT OBLIGATED to share light-hearted stuff like that, but should she chooses to do it, then I'm sure you guys will welcome it, too.  We certainly have!

I'm not being preachy here, but as a stepmom for many years, I've learned to "pick and choose" what I'm going to be upset over.  The most important thing to keep in mind is to focus the conversation on the kids and nothing else.  At least, they weren't discussing their failed relationship and where did things go wrong, how they felt for each other, lost passion/love and all things inappropriate to discuss at this point.  It's also great that FH tells you the stuff that he discusses with the kids' mother.  You guys need open and honest communication like that.  You really don't want to give him any reason to start hiding or conveniently forgetting stuff to share with you.  

Being a stepmom is not easy as you will soon find out.  Sunshine pointed it out best in her post.  You will need to be the "bigger" person for the best interest of your stepkids and husband more times than you'd ever like.  However, the reward is great and you just gotta keep your eyes on the big pictures and ignore petty stuff.

Hi KathyNY,

This sounds very familiar to me!  My stepkids have asked my DH questions along the same lines when we were litigating their relocation case.  The best answer?  Just tell the kids "Hey guys, you don't need to worry about that stuff because that's adult conversation and that's between your mother and I.  Just always remember that we love you both no matter what and are trying to work together to do what's best for you always.  OK?"  

There's no need to sling dirt on BM because the kids will grow up and eventually learn that she lied/lies.  Just let her bury herself deeper and deeper!  Lately, as my stepkids get older, my DH has started defending himself against the lies but, of course, without slinging any dirt on the BM.  For example, kids recently asked why DH didn't let them go on vacation with BM out of the country.  Well, the truth was DH offered a compromise to BM but BM refused so DH simply told kids "No, that's not true.  I would have loved for you guys to go and even offered a compromise to your mother.  Unfortunately, she didn't agree to the compromise."  When the kids heard that from DH, they never asked about it again. :-)   DH and I are coming to the realization that if we simply put off responding to the kids then they will think that BM's lies are the truth.  The truth needs to be told but we have to be tactful and careful with the way we relate it.  We are not interested in defaming BM -- she's fully capable of doing that herself without our help! *LOL*

Take care!

Mamacass, just hang in there is my best advice to you.  I can fully relate to your anger and frustrations because I've had my share of them as well (and continue to have them to this present day).  No matter what though, you and DH have to continue doing what you believe is in the best interest of your SS.  I know it's hard when you feel like you "don't matter" or "have no control" over the situation.  Putting all of that aside, let your good conscience and parenting continue on.  Your SS needs to continually see and feel that he could count on you two no matter the situation; that you guys will love him unconditionally despite the negativities from and with his mother.  Trust me, it's VERY hard to do but don't let the negative situation define who you are and what you do.  Most of all, try to be proactive and not just react to what the BM does, etc.  Anticipate her move and always protect yourselves by properly documenting *every* interaction with her and what goes with your SS.

As for the group therapy, is this ordered by the court?  I see no problem with objecting or correcting what the therapist says during the session but do it in a polite, unblaming manner.  Better yet, if it's possible to have a private conversation with the therapist without BM, then air your objections that way.  I sort of understand the therapist encouraging you guys to be more involved in school and get information yourselves especially if you are all in the same district.  I think it's a huge advantage for you guys to do that rather than depend on the BM's word of mouth.  First, SS's teachers will know you directly and attest to your direct, constant involvement in his academic life.  In our case, that's what we do now even though the divorce order states that BM is to share this and that info with my DH.  We found that we get the answers we need when we seek them out ourselves than try to engage with BM and her games.  Anyway, if you don't think you are getting far with this therapist, then change especially if you guys are the one who sought this therapy in the first place.  If the court ordered this, then ask your lawyer what the impact is of changing therapist because you just don't think the scale is fair and balanced.  There may be conflicts of interest and bias going on here and you just need to cut that out as soon as possible.  

As for your hearing at the end of the month, if you guys have proper documentation and proof of the past with BM and negative impact on SS, then you should be fine.  If you have a good lawyer, setting up your case and exhibiting your proofs will not be hard to do.  The main thing to show the court here is how this move will not be in your SS's best interest and how it will negatively impact his relationship with you guys (i.e. access to SS and vice versa will be lessened/limited, financial burden of interstate transportation, etc).  Do a search on the internet on other relocation cases that were denied and what factors were considered by the judge.  Be as informative and knowledgeable as you can with relocation cases and your judicial court judges and where they stand.  This will go along way for you guys.

Once again, hang in there and just pray to God for guidance always.  Take care of yourselves always....

Hi KathyNY,

I must say I can relate and understand how you're feeling about this whole situation.  I've had my share of frustrations when we were going through the relocation case against ex wife.  Trust me, it's not easy at all but you just have to be strong and work with FH.  He needs your support now more than ever.  You guys are a team!!!

If this visit to IL is just for a week, then you must have a written document stating that.  I'm assuming your FH's lawyer and her lawyer have drawn something up so I suggest you guys secure a copy of that.  If she doesn't return the kids, then she's clearly in contempt of court.  Yeah, I understand that she could *disappear* with the kids altogether, but there are mandated interstate laws that could be enforced.  If she does that, then she pretty much kissed her custody good-bye.  I'm not sure if you can charge her with kidnapping and have a warrant of her arrest issued but just a thought.  There are ways to get the kids back especially since they will still be in this country.  In our case, ex wife wanted to move the kids OUT OF THE COUNTRY so there was no way in hell we were going to let her take them there even for a visit.  Ex wife actually tried the *vacation* route with the court but the judge denied it.  DUH!!  

BTW, I know this is just an interstate move case but you might want to check into putting a passport alert on your minor stepkids.  This means ex wife cannot get a passport for them without your FH's consent.  Just go to http://travel.state.gov and do a search on "passport alert" and you can read how to do that.

Well, take care and keep us posted.  Most of all, try not to get too stressed about this all.   Keep a positive outlook and teamwork with your FH!  :-)

Hi KathyNY,

It sounds like things are going in your favor so far.  Great! :-)

When does school start in your district?  You need to tell your lawyer to bring this up at the next court appearance.  Even though she has sole legal custody, the court may press upon preserving the status quo at this time.  Not sure but worth asking the judge.  Voice your concerns about the benefits of SS staying in the current school and OFFER a plan to help BM with pick-up and drop-off if that's her issue.  This way, you will appear very much for your kids' best interest and BM will appear, well, you know what she would look like.  On second thought, since her "current" address is still the same, there's really no need to change the kids' school right now, is there?

Another thing I would suggest since you guys are in the middle of this is to modify the divorce order after this relocation case and add a move-away clause for BM.  You already know that she wants to move now so she will want to do that again in the future (especially if this one is not granted by the court).  Having that clause will help prevent her every whim of moving away as going back to court for anything is not cheap.

I had to chuckle when I read about BM's mom because my husband's ex MIL is a piece of work herself.  She sent me a very nasty email but I responded nicely and *warned* her against contacting me again.  I haven't heard from her since but, if looks could kill, I would've been dead a long time ago. *LOL*  Just remember, act very nice and extra friendly towards them because that kills them.  Keep smiling, too, even though things just irritate the crap out of you because you don't want to send the message that they can get to you.  Just show them that your world is a HAPPY place and there's not a darn thing they can do to change that!!!

Good luck on Monday and I'll definitely keep you guys in my prayers.  Just remember to keep the FOCUS on the children and show that you are trying to preserve/maintain the status quo.  Outside of that, if ex-wife can't prove (and, yes, she has the burden of proof here) that this move will be SO MUCH BETTER for the kids' life and WILL NOT NEGATIVELY IMPACT their father's access to them and vice versa, then your case should be a no-brainer.  Hopefully, you'll get a FAIR judge who will preside for the kids' best interests.

I can definitely relate to what you guys are going through because we went to court several years ago to prevent my husband's ex-wife to relocate minor children to ANOTHER COUNTRY!  Fortunately for us, the court ruled in our favor.  This is in state of FL.  There are basically 6 factors to consider in a relocation case and we covered all of it.  The ex-wife didn't have a leg to stand on even when she drew up an elaborate visitation plan (allowing more time with the kids) and offered to pay half of the children's international airfare every trip.  As the judge put it out, the move will not give Dad the same access to the children and vice versa which will negatively impact their relationship.  Our kids were 7 and 5 yrs old then.  

So, with that said, you guys are on the right track with documenting everything especially the times you get to spend with the kids.  That's very important to show the court that you have established such a strong bond with them.  My best advice is to FOCUS ON THE CHILDREN and not badmouth the ex-wife.  This will not look favorable in court.  Living out-of-state will prevent you guys from having that constant, physical interaction that you get to enjoy now living in the same city.  It will also be a deterrence from being actively involved in the kids' academic and social life.  You can expound on just how DETRIMENTAL this move will be on the young kids and their relationship with their father.

Looking back, we were so stressed and nervous about our own relocation case especially since husband's an active duty military member.  We feared that will go against us.  However, if the FOCUS in on the CHILDREN, the court will definitely see that and your case will not be hard at all to defend.  I have a feeling you guys will prevail just as we did.

Good luck!

I know that this is the one place that we can get support and real advice drawn from real experience.  I really appreciate it, you guys.

Ex-wife sent an email to DH and now claims that DH is avoiding her and the kids don't feel comfortable talking because they are being monitored and put on speaker (puhhhhleeezzeee!!!).  Of course, she still hasn't sent the meds because she didn't want it to be left at the mailbox.  She's making this very complicated than it needs to be.  DH emailed her back and suggested that perhaps she should send it via registered mail where someone needs to be home to sign it OR it needs to be picked up from the post office.  No kidding!!!!  How come some people just have no common sense?  DH also touched on a lot of things especially her demands to speak to the kids daily while they are with us.  She's never forbidden to call the kids and vice versa so I don't understand the demand.  We make the kids call her while they are with us which is far more than she's ever done for DH.  DH asked her to use good judgment when calling because the kids are in bed by 9:30p.  DH has always respected her household and whatever time she told for DH to call.  More importantly, speaking with them for hours on end while they are here would be really disruptive and takes away time for them to bond with Dad and vice versa.  A normal, sane and truly loving mother would understand that!!!  But, would you believe she called last night at 11:00p and cited DH's email???  Obviously, she has no consideration or respect whatsoever towards DH and our household.

As for the meds, DH asked if taking it continuously is really what the doctor ordered or what Dr. EX-WIFE (I love that part) ordered.  He even asked if there really is an active treatment plan for SS since no claims have been filed under DH's medical insurance (he covers kids 100%).  Understandably, DH just wants to start fresh with a new psychiatrist.  We already have an appointment next week.  We'll go from there and try to schedule a regular visit whenever we have the kids with us.  

Thanks again for your support.  DH did ask ex-wife to share SS's treatment plan so we'll see if she does share.  Somehow, I doubt it.

Thanks, BelleMere.  This is really beyond aggravating for us.  I feel for my SS and sometimes I wish I am his real mother so he can be nurtured the way he's supposed to be nurtured.  As his stepmom, I try my best but continuity is hard to accomplish when he's not living with us.  I feel that all the good things we do just get unraveled the second they step in their mother's house.  Truly sad. :-(

Yes, I agree with you on not putting him back on the meds.  DH feels the same way which is why he's not jumping on getting the meds from BM especially due to what we found out from SS last night.  DH also wants to start fresh with a new psychiatrist and hear firsthand what's going on and where can we go from there.  I doubt that BM will be cooperative with what the new psychiatrist's recommendation or treatment plan for no other reason than WE sought it and therefore she doesn't approve of it.  I don't know what we will do then especially since SS doesn't live with us.  What I am thinking of is asking the new psychiatrist to contact the old psychiatrist for the purpose of sharing notes and coming up with a unified treatment plan.  I have no experience with this but I hope this can be done and continuity can be somewhat assured.  I say "somewhat" because all the doctors or professionals in the world can recommend this and that but if the mother is too stupid enough not to follow through then the benefits will never be reaped.  After all, she is the expert on everything.  You can't tell her anything she doesn't already know.  Who knows though -- maybe she will feel threatened by our involvement and decide to do the right thing just to show us she's still in control.  We'll see!!!

That's too bad about your SS having to take extra Adderall (sp?) pills.  GRRR!  I would be very upset myself.  In our case, we found out from the kids that their mother says stuff like "You need to take your chill pill now."  What a parent, huh?

Thanks for listening and sharing your thoughts.  I truly appreciate it.

We had a family meeting with SS last night about rules, punishments, expectations, discipline, behavior and counseling.  It turned out better than we had expected.  We found out from SS that he hasn't seen the psychiatrist his mother took him to see in a long time now.  He also mentioned that this psychiatrist prescribed him another medication to take along with Strattera.  He didn't remember the name of the medication but said that he read the bottle and saw the word "seizure" on it.  Ex-wife never informed DH about this at all or the fact that SS hasn't seen the psychiatrist and is obviously not in an active treatment plan.  No wonder she flipped out when DH told her that we are taking SS to counseling ourselves.

As for Strattera, SS said that he hasn't taken that in a while either.  He said that his mother didn't tell him to take it so he hasn't been taking it.  I just can't believe that this woman would put him OFF AND ON on this medication with no regard to what it's doing to SS!!!!  I am so mad I can slap her!  I won't because I am a better person than that.  It's just so sad what she's doing to her own son.

So, we now know SS hasn't taken Strattera for a while.  Meanwhile, ex-wife sent a message to DH asking what address to send SS's medication to.  Where else!?!?!??!  It's not like she doesn't know our home address.  We've been in the same address for the past 4 years!  She even sent postcards to the kids just recently. GRRRRR!!  Well, apparently, she said someone needs to be home to receive the medication because, if it stays in the heat, it loses its potency or effectiveness.  WELL, HOW EFFECTIVE CAN IT BE WHEN SS HASN'T REALLY BEEN TAKING IT ANYWAY????  She's so irresponsible and neglectful!!!  I am so mad at all of this.  DH is beyond angry himself.

I wonder how can we hold this woman accountable for her neglect.  We know we can't control her actions or inactions but there's gotta be a way to send a strong message that "THE WORLD IS WATCHING WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO YOUR OWN KIDS!".  She's very manipulative and will have you thinking she's the best mom in the world.  She's all about lip service and the pony show.   She never follows through anything she says and is a pathological liar!  GRRR!

Ok, I'm done venting for now.  Thanks for reading and please share your thoughts and ideas on how to best handle this.