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If you have 50/50 and joint legal, then just go ahead and schedule the appt for the psychologist during your custodial time.  Inform the mother in writing (e.g., email) 24-48 hours prior to the appt, and explain your concerns in a very concise manner about why you've scheduled the appt.  Invite her to attend.

Let her try to contempt you, which is the worst that she can do.  If your daughter is exhibiting signs of stress (as you describe), no judge is going to find it unreasonable that you sought professional help.

I think worst thing that will happen for you is that you may pay for the entire amount of the counseling, if mother refuses.

Hi,

Yes, you should worry about DYFS knocking on your door, but not for the reason you're thinking.  If it's true that your ex told that to your daughter, your ex is probably capable of reporting false things about your home.

I suggest you buy the book "Elusive Innocence" by Dean Tong.  It's much better to know how to handle a false accusation far before one is ever made.  You'll know how to immediately defend yourself and handle any investigation.

The principal and teachers are all mandatory reporters.  They must report suspected abuse.  I'm not sure how you know the precise conversation between the principal and your daughter, but the fact that the principal asked if it helps the daughter feels safer sounds like the principal was trying to assess if it was normal parental nurturing or forced molestation sort of thing.

What you describe of your situation is normal parental nurturing with a young child.  As long as neither of you are naked, and if the behavior stops as she grows older, I wouldn't worry about it.

Finally, you may want to find a good child psychologist to see your child.  You said that she's "very upset" and has been diagnosed with stress symptoms via the eye blinking.  Perhaps a therapist can help her deal with her troubles.

Good luck.

Thanks for that info.  Keep in mind that I'm not an attorney.

First, consider that an attorney who tells you the "way it has to be" may actually be doing you a good service.  Some attorneys will tell you what you want to hear, knowing full well that your chances are nil while they follow your instructions.

You want an attorney who has experience in your county for at least 10 years.  This ensures that they will know the judge, any evaluator appointed, and opposing counsel.

Second, you need a residence ASAP.  You will not get much in custodial time if you don't have solid housing.  You should have adequate sleeping arrangements for your children.  While it'd be ideal to give them separate rooms, it's not going to hurt you much if two of them have to share a room.  It's IMPERATIVE that the children's bedroom(s) is separate from your own.

Talk to an attorney about the need to assign a primary residence for the purpose of child support.  It can vary from state to state.  I briefly skimmed over Maryland's code for child support, and in the case of shared parenting (i.e., that term is in the code), it appears that child support will be minimal if both parties earn comparable incomes.  But if one party earns significantly more, it looks like that party will pay significant child support to the other-- even if the schedule is 50/50.

Per the child support table in MD code, let's say you and your ex have a combined net income (i.e., "actual income") of $6,000.  The total support needed for 3 kids is $1504.  If you each make the same income, and you each have 50%, I'm interpreting the code as meaning that there really won't be any child support.  But if you make $4,000 and she makes $2,000, then it appears that you'd be responsible for 2/3 of the support needed in her home (i.e., 2/3 multiplied by 50% multiplied by $1504 = $500.82).  Again, I'm not an attorney, but it appears that's how to read this.  But you need to talk to an attorney in your state about this.

Regarding all else that her attorney told you in terms of need for a "primary" parent, I think the attorney is just trying to manipulate you.

It's easy enough to have an order that says, "For the purpose of school districting, the mother's address shall be used."  (or father, whomever lives in a better district)

It's not required that one parent have final say, and unless you're that parent, it's an order that you do NOT want to see in your judgment.

The order will be something like, "Mother and father shall consult on all major decisions involving education, health, and religion.  In the event that the parties cannot agree, mother shall make the final decision."

In practice, it'll go something like you receiving a phone call or an email from your ex, asking if you agree with her on XYZ.  You say no.  She then says that she's sorry, but she has final authority, so she'll go ahead and do it anyway.

Instead, you simply want orders stating that mother and father shall come to agreement on all major decisions involving education, non-emergency health/dental/orthodontist, and religion.

If you can't agree, you'll need a third party (e.g., the court) to help you make a decision.

Sometimes, parents agree (in court orders) to let a parenting coordinator make the final decision in the event that parties can't agree.  This is usually a specialist in child development or in therapy, who will make the best decision on behalf of the children.  In such scenarios, sometimes mom will win, sometimes dad will win, but it's much cheaper and far less stressful than returning to court.

Finally, once court orders are made, neither of you gets to change them without mutual agreement or further order from a judge.  So, no matter what happens with your schedule, once it's in black and white with a judge's stamp on it, that's what you have.

I'll say that the offer of joint custody with 50/50 schedule is likely better than you'll get in court; given the situation you've already outlined.  This presumes that the mother doesn't have any major mental illness or issues that severely threaten the kids.

Good luck.

Hi,

1. What state are you in?

2. Do you have an attorney?

Gotta love the ridiculous Allred comment that the false father needs to take responsibility for never taking a DNA test.

Here's a guy who took the mother at her word that only HE could be the father, and it's still partially his fault that he was lied to.

A reasonable attorney would have just said, "I feel I was deceived by this woman" or "She truly believed he was the father" and left it at that.

But NOOOOOO, he's still to blame somehow.  Love it.

Hi,

I'd suggest that you get affadavits from the boyfriend and the maternal grandmother, then go to court with an emergency motion to change custody.

Better than affadavits would be a deposition, but that's more costly.

Ask your attorney.  This is an opportunity to change some things and help the kids.

Wow, you really need to consult an attorney to ensure you don't get misinformation from these boards.

First, simply giving a piece of evidence to an attorney does not render it "attorney/client privilege."  If that were the case, murderers would simply give the guns to their attorneys.  Duh.

Second, video taping is different from audio taping (i.e., including the audio track of a video camera), with regards to the law.  It can vary from state to state.

Third, you describe that the video camera was sitting near you.  It may be unreasonable to assume that a person would know that the camera is recording with no one near it.

All of that said, unless/until the boyfriend is subpoenaed for the tape, he can ignore the demands.

Now, if the boyfriend sends certified mail to the mother, advising her that he is audiotaping and videotaping every exchange, it's thereafter implied consent if she chooses to say anything.

If the ex-husband is acting as this child's father, I would strongly encourage you to disappear into the sunset and cease talking with this girl.  He's the dad and will be presumed to be the dad by the court.

You don't need the headache in your life that this can create, and you will suffer a tremendous financial hit if you try to pursue anything and you turn out to be the father.

That she'll send you a picture of the child, but not one with her, is very weird.  

That a mother says that a child is "her problem" and you shouldn't worry about it is very weird.

That she got married and divorced, all within a year's time, says nothing good about her.

If she believed that you were the father, and if she wanted you involved in the kid's life, she would have told you about the pregnancy.  At this point, all signs point to ulterior motives on her part.

There is absolutely nothing good that can come from you continuing contact with her.

I strongly suggest that you change your online profile (so she can't chat with you), change your phone number, and change your mailing address.

Move on with your life, and ditch her immediately, never have anything to do with her again.

Hi there,

I have much empathy for your frustrations and concern.

I'm gonna try to help you help yourself.

1.  List the three worst things the mother has done as a parent.  After each one of those things, specify what kind of evidence you have.

2.  Outline how often you spend time with your daughter (i.e., frequency, duration, and location).

3.  In your own past, do you have any criminal convictions or problems with drugs or alcohol?

4.  Finally, what is the current distance in miles between you and mother?

Answer those, and I think I may be able to give you the kind of guidance you're seeking.

Hi SD,

If you have the ability to make your case that the child is best served by having sole custody in your home, then that is what you should pursue.

Yet, the very logic you presented (if valid) would argue against you seeking sole custody.

If you think mother's refusal to accept joint custody indicates a necessity that you must have sole, why isn't the reverse true if you demand sole it in court?

That said, you're right that you may wish to ask for more than you want.

You CAN go in, presenting a case that you should have joint custody where the child is with you 60% of the time (and perhaps hoping that the ruling is close to a 50/50 schedule).

This process is not a black or white, all or none process.

The most important thing (as a parent, as well as planning your case), is to always speak in the best interests of the child.

E.g., 60% is best because you've always been the homework helper and school transporter, and continuing that role is important for the child's stability.

That is a very valid argument, though you would never speak in terms of percentages.  You'd instead propose a weekly schedule that best serves the child, which in turn will determine the final custodial split (i.e., 50/50, 60/40, 70/30).

But "I want sole because she wants sole" is not strong, in my opinion.

If you instead said, "I want sole because my ex has completely severed my relationship with the child for three months, has hidden her location, has severed all of the child's contact with my family; and her actions demonstrate an intent to completely remove me and extended family from the child's life", that's much different than your ASSUMPTION that her refusal to accept joint parenting indicates her intent to do all that.

I hope I expressed myself clearly on my perspective.... let me know if I didn't or if I should clarify anything (if this post was even of value).