I'm the stepmom to two wonderful boys (9 and 12) who reside with DH and myself during the school year (with BM EOW) and 1/2 of the summer. We are in AZ. Both SS's have monthly medical expenses which DH and I cover and wait to get reimbursed from BM until she feels like paying. When school started this year, we made a list of the school clothes the kids were going to need approx. costs for a heads up for her and let her know that we would be submitting the actual receipts when the items were purchased. She responded with a lenghty email about how we are the ones who wanted the boys to "live with us" and that she wasn't going to pay anything towards their living expenses while they are "with us".
In the agreed upon paperwork (written up and signed at mediation), child support was agreed to be $0 being paid by either parent (the reason was because they would both "have" the children close to equal amounts). Since then, as stated above, she has them EOW and 1/2 of the summer. Which actually seems to be working ok for everyone emotionally (kids included), but she is still unwilling to help out financially when it comes to school expenses. My husband and I have gone around and around when it comes to whether we should ask for child support for the boys or if it would cause too much friction. We are able to support them with their needs, but like many others, we do have to restrict them from participating in activities because of lack of funds on our part.
Ok, so here are the acutal questions:
1. How long does it take (documenting everything) to establish a pattern of her unwillingness to help support the kids?
2. In your experience, does it make sense for us to just let the child support issue go and just raise them the best we can? Or to potentially start making an okay situation very bad for the sake of allowing the children to have the best childhood possible (with all parents contributing)?
Thanks so much for your thoughts!
In your mediation, you never discussed or agreed in writing things like school and medical expenses?
I would say, until and if you get this mediation agreement changed, she doesn't owe you anything. It seems that she never agreed to reimburse you for any of it, legally. Has she submitted invoices to you to pay aswell?
It will be challenging to get the child support agreement changed. Unless some substantial change in circumstances happened, besides your realization of what a bad deal you got yourself into, it will likely stay the same.
Call a few attornies for some free consultations, but I can't say it looks like you have any real legal case. Remember though, attornies love these cases because they are money makers for them. Talk to a few and ask them what challenges you will be up against. I am sure that there will be a few out there who will take the case full knowing that you will lose, just to collect the paycheck.
Best wishes
Ref
I agree with Ref....I dont see where there is a legal standpoint here. You cannot say she is not doing her part, because you agreed she didnt have to pay anything. Morally it would be wonderful if she takes care of her sons...but, she has chosen to let you do all the work and she get all the benefits of having happy well adjusted children.
If you feel very strongly about it, I would simply file a motion to have support addressed for the matter of school and medical expenses only.....
I totally understand. I actually happen to lean toward agreeing with you guys. In the paperwork, it actually states that "beacuse each parent will have equal parenting time, there will be no child support assigned to either parent". So where the question lies (between me and my DH) is because she has gone from their BM having the kids every weekend, every 3 day weekend, and all vacations and all summer break, to her having them EOW, no 3 day weekends, and 1/2 of the summer break (by her written agreement)... should child support be brought back up?
I do understand what you are saying... I guess I'm just trying to hear some opinions for me (as the stepmom) to have in the back of my mind when talking to my DH about the subject.
Thanks!
If you had in writing at the time of CS agreement that there is no support because of 50/50 parenting time and subsequently, BM has limited her visitation AND you have evidence, that would be considered a substantial change in circumstances AND you can go after more support and probably will be awarded it.
The decision as to whether to go for an increase is up to you. In my opinion, this is not money owed to you but to your kids. By not collecting it, you are depriving your kids.
The thing that annoys me is that if the genders were reversed, more than likely this question would not come up.
As far as past bills and any bills until you file, they are still your responsibility.
Call some lawyers and explain your situation. Look for a Family Law attorney.
Good Luck
Ref
Thanks so much for your candidness. I appreciate it.
I agree that there are so many things that change depending on gender, but I don't think I understand what you mean by that if the genders were reversed, more than likely this question would not come up?
I don't want to read this the wrong way, if you could explain maybe I can understand it.
Thanks.
was , in general, when the dad is the NCP there usually isn't a question of whether or not CS should be sought. For some reason, when the Bm is the NCP people ask questions like "should I try to get support" and some dont even try for it. It is more a social commentary than anything else.
Good Luck
Ref
oooohhhh, gotcha.
Again, thanks for your thoughts :)
From a social context, that's true. From a legal context, it's not.
The legal system is completely neutral on the subject of gender. In most jurisdictions, the courts at least make an effort to follow that guideline. They are not always successful, but one should not start with the presumption that you will be discriminated against.
Wouldn't it be great if things really worked the way they are supposed to?
I agree that the legal system is supposed to be blind to gender and in DH's case it was true (he had a wonderful judge). I think the reason why there is such a distiction as "Father's Rights" attornies just shows that that is not a 100% reality.
Anyway, I was speaking of the difference between what CP BM's and CP BF's seem to feel about getting CS from their ex's. It seems that there are many more CP BFs that just do not attempt to get CS from their ex. I wasn't referring to the legal process.
Ref
when my DH was the NCP he paid CS, and would listen to BM threaten she would file to get more money when he switched jobs to a company that paid more. Funny, he never filed a decrease when he was unemployed or got a job makin less money. For a long time he paid more than was required b/c he also paid child care expenses which were already calculated into the CS amount.
When DH became the CP last September, his attorney told him he needed to file for CS. He didn't want to, but he finally did. Also, my SS gets a check from social security each month because his mom is in disability. DH didn't want to have that sent to us, b/c he could care less about the money. Dh was willing to allow BM to keep getting SS's check. The attorney had to tell him to file for that too. My DH was just happy to have SS living with us, and was afraid that if he filed for CS or the SS checks that people would think he was in it for the money.
You are right, it seems society is more accepting of a BM getting CS than a BF getting CS.