So we found out when we went to court last week that BM was listening in to DH's phone calls with their son. Dh has never said anything to SS that he wouldn't say that he couldn't say in front of BM, but still, it bothered us to know that she listens in. Of course she was always looking for something to complain about, so I guess it shouldn't surprise us. She actually threw a fit once, when she found out that we gave the kids peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner one night. (It was their request, and since we both work we aren't always able to make a home-cooked meal.)
Anyways, I never thought that we would be the types to listen in to SS's phone calls w/ BM, b/c it almost feels like an invasion of privacy. However, last night when SS got off the phone w/ his mom, he told DH "Mommy has a bloody eye b/c someone tried to kill her." (this isn't the first time sh has said something like this to him.)
So now we're trying to figure out how to best approach the situation. We're going to put SS back in therapy. I think we should start listening to the phone calls, since BM is unstable and is telling 6 y/o SS things that are inappropriate. That way we can help him to understand when she says something crazy. Since custody just changed and BM currently gets very little visitation, I think we may tell her that we would like for to see SS more, but we can't give her any addition time when she is being inappropriate (which is true). And if we do decide to listen into the phone calls, I feel that we should let BM know. It still doesn't feel right, but at least if we're honest about it then it's not like we're trying to be sneaky.
So what do y'all think? I would love to hear any ideas or opinions y'all have.
I think it is every parent's job to "monitor" the conversations of those who speak with our children -- other parent, Gparent, uncle, friend whatever. When someone has earned your trust you monitor less. When they betray your trust or do things to harm your child, you monitor as often as necessary (sometimes all the time). I monitor my kids' calls with my in-laws (long story) because it is necessary for the kids' mental health.
Let BM know that since SS has been confused and frightened by some of the things she has been telling him, that you will tape and monitor every call she makes. Tell her that you would appreciate her not discussing adult matters with him or relaying her misfortunes to him, as this upsets and frightens him. It leaves him feeling powerless.
In the mean while, until she does refrain from these behaviors, you should utilize the tapes to help SS make sense of the matters she has inappropriately burdened him with. SS should not be having to fear for his mother all the time, or suffer from her "extended" paranoias.
Monitoring can mean taping for listening to later, or it can mean listening in, but it should never be with the intent of interfering with the child's time with the other parent.
I would suggest consulting an attorney before implementing the above practice. First, recording conversations is illegal in many cases. Second, many custody agreements ensure that each parent will have privacy in their conversations with the children.
We had two teenagers being emotionally and possible physically abused by their stepfather. BM and her DH wouldn't allow the kids to have unmonitored talks with us and provided a babysitter "BM's sister" to the boys when she was a work. We were forced to have a cell phone smuggled to them so we could have a private conversation with them to find out what was going on..................
And BM and her stupid DH listening in on calls was in violation of the court order.
Make sure your motives are really because you are worried about your ss's safety. It is easy to come up with excuses to do these things when you are really looking to make her take her own medicine.
What are you going to do if BM says something is inappropriate? You can't file contempt. It would be her word against yours. Make sure you have a plan on how to hande this stuff before you are entrenched.
I think that unless you really feel that your SS is in danger, you should stand the moral highground and make a point of telling your SS that you value his privacy but if there is amything anyone says that upsets him, you want to know so you can help fix it.
When you hear about her saying kookie things (not really harmful stuff), I would have DH write her a letter that this is what his son is saying and that they need to talk about how appropiate it is.
JMHO - Best wishes,
Ref
The custody order doesn't discuss phone calls at all. And when we went to court, BM admitted listening into phone calls, and the judge didn't say anything about it. So I would assume that we wouldn't be in violation of any order. Its not that we want to listen in, but at this point we're not sure what else to do.
Does anyone have any other ideas? Or are we just stuck waiting for SS to tell us the weird things his mom says?
As a parent I monitor and RECORD my daughters IM's on her computer and she is blocked at certain times of the day to get to the internet. I also can jump into her machine at any time to see who and what she is saying online. Given the publicity of internet predators and the like, do we always know who the children are talking to online and or on the phone? I am no attorney so I am not giving any advice other than my personal opinions here, but I give a HUGE thumbs up to recording and monitoring any conversation kids have. Having the knowledge in order to help guide our kids appropriately is good parenting. Ignoring waht is right in front of us is not. Personally if recording the phone conversation was against the law and my child was taling to a sex offender and they sued me for doing so I would take that chance as long as my child was safe.
Food for thought: a new thing I have seen at our home with our child, is calls coming in to her that I think are her girlsfriends, but actually a three way call in which the original caller hangs up leaving the third caller on the phone with her all the while making me think she is still talking to her girlfriend..........think about what can happen here........
allowing her DH to emotionally and physically abuse YSS. And I will reiterate that I think it is terribly wrong for a parent not to allow a child to speak to the other parent without montoring.
the other parent. And, it likely violates a standard court order.
but if there is a good possiblity that the child is being verbally abused etc.. then I can see that being an exception.
ref
My daughter is the youngest at 14 and I am an IT specialist for a school district. I do not use parental controls - I am talking about router blocks and settings, monitoring software and staying away from myspace and myface, I have been a division head for Cyber Angles, I know what kids can do and what they are capable of.
I am merely suggesting that constant monitoring is necessary, but to be overboard with it is another problem. Everything is good in the right proportions - going to one extrmeme or the other is where you get into problems. Use what you find out wisely, I do not view it as much differnet than asking your child to tell you wehre they are going wtih whom, when they will return and how they get there.
Let me give you an example of what I am talking about: when I was working with Cyber angels I got an email one morning from a distraught teen. Her parents were in the middle of a nasty divorce and both wanted custody. Both parents said things to her about the other, waht they tried to protect her from she was astute enough to see and feel the stress and problems. Her email to me was her last effort to express her herself before attempting to take her life. She ended her email to me by saying she had just swallowed pills. Fortunately I was on my computer and availalbe as soon as the email came through. I was able to trace the email to atleast her ISP which was indicitive of a city, ie had the name of the city in the domain. I called the local police, as well as a officer we had on the "team" - between them they were able to find out from the ISP where she lived, and when the paramedics got there she was unconscious in her room. She lived. I received a lovely email from her parents the next day, telling me that they found my email to her in her inbox and that they had no idea how much she was hurting and what they were doing to her, or what she had planned. That was how they me, from our emails. Her emails to her friends went by the wayside and when mom and dad read them they said had they been more on top of her and not thinking of themselves they would have seen the problems. THey thanked me for going to the aid of their child and vowed to be more involved with her and not the fighting with each other.
I think that maybe you have misinterpreted my intentions to monitor as an invasion, my intentions are not to cause harm but to circumvent it if you believe there is a threat. I do not mean to come off as someone that eavsdrops on everything, I am just saying if the situation warrants then I feel it is justified.
Honestly, we would rather not listen in to the calls. However, many times SS doesn't tell us the weird things his mom tells him until later. She has a mental illness, and sometimes I think that has a lot to do with the inappropriate things she discusses with him. Maybe I'm overreacting, but let me give some examples. Just the other night she told him that someone gave her a bloody eye and tried to kill her. She has told him that she keeps a gun in her purse so she can shoot anyone that tries to hurt them. He has told us that they can't go to a neighboring town, b/c there are too many bad people there that want to hurt his mom. SS wasn't there during her last break-up, but he told me about the argument his mom had with her b/f and and how he made mommy cry. When I asked him where he was when the argument took place, he said he was at school, but mommy told him all about it. She also told him that her ex b/f tried to kill SS's dog. When we got to the bottom of that story, the ex had left the gate open, but mommy said he did that so the dog would get out and get hit by a car and die. When we say we're not sure why mommy tells him these things, SS tells us "Mommy tells me everything."
These are some of the conversations SS has told us about. Who knows how much he hasn't mentioned. I'm not sure if anyone is really "after" BM or not, but I don't think it's healthy to tell a 6 y/o the things she's telling him. This si one of the reasons we want to put him in counseling. We are hoping a therapist can help explain to him the illness that mommy has, and also help him through all the changes he has gone through. I'm thinking that if we listen in to the calls then at least we can fully know what we're dealing with to help SS get through it. We can talk to BM about the appropriateness of her conversations with SS, but I don't know that she'll stop, b/c I'm not sure that she can differentiate between what you can discuss with a child vs. what you can discuss with an adult. I think many times she views SS as her friend and confidante who will always be on her side.
I agree. Unless there is some Rational REASON to be listening...then to me its violating their relationship. BM used to do this consistently with ss and dh. She would listen and yell out stuff in the background. If dh and ss talked about watching wrestling, she would yell, "You tell your dad its none of his business what we do here!"
We have never told ss that he has to be in the room with us when talking to her. If he chooses to leave the room, that is his right. If he is wanting to stay in that room and talk, that is his right to.
Of course, I do feel it's not a factor unless the parent is trying to hide something...but, we all know how vindictive people are and can listen in to try to distort/twist every little word. To me, its simply about having time alone with your child - even if its on the phone....