Background:
I filed for custody of my 6yo daughter in March. I have documented having my daughter 60+% of the overnights for the last three years. BM's response to my petition was that I had abused her in our 3 1/2 MONTH marriage; but nothing was said about that during our divorce, or any time afterward, until now.
Now this:
I had my daughter this weekend. We were at my parents house on Saturday night, for a cookout and and the kids were all shooting fireworks. At one point, D was sitting in SM's lap, and my grandson was wanting in her lap, too. I told D to get down, because she was just causing a fuss. If I touched her at all, it was to make her look at me so I could talk to her. I did NOT hit her! Like I said, the whole family was there, and can verify this.
After BM picked up daughter on Sunday night, she called me back and told me she had a problem with what happened this weekend. I told her we had a very good weekend; I didn't know what she was talking about. She told me the first thing D told her was that I slapped her in the face. I told BM that did not happen. BM claims D said it did, and that she came up with it on her own; BM said she didn't ask, that D just told her. I told her I might have turned D's face to me; that when I try to talk to her, she turns away. BM said there is a reason she won't look at you, and that's all going to come out, too. When I talked to D on the phone, I told her I did not hit her, and D said yes I did.
What do I do to defuse this situation? In my opinion, BM is trying to create problems, where none exist. Should I be concerned? I'll have to admit, the accusation upset me; I don't know what to expect next.
It's the same BS that they all try to do. You're lucky that this happened at a gathering, cuz I recommend you start getting together your eyewitnesses and getting statement from them. Make sure that they all would be willing to testify if need be.
One thing to remember, tho. If she alleges abuse during the marriage and she did NOT bring it up during the first proceedings, it's amoot point now. She had her chance and blew it. But new allegations SINCE the last time in court is a different ball game. If you haven't got a kick-ass atty., I suggest you get one now. She's playing the oldest game in the book, but WAY too many of them get away with it.
Another thing you must seriously consider is having your DD interviewed by an objective 3rd party without EITHER parent present. I've got a feeling that your DD will give a completely different answer then.......
I find the part about where she said "she didn't ask" and that "she came up with it o her own" as very suspect. A person who is told something by someone, and is a geniune honest person would never say this.
Unfortunately your daughter is at the perfect age for supreme PAS to work. You have a long road ahead of you. A big talk with dtr about "real" vs. "make believe" and "lies" is in big order here. If you already have a counselor involved in all this, probably best to get a 3rd person in here...or it will turn into a he said, she said thing.
Good luck....
Welcome back to the meatgrinder......
Tips For Getting Started
http://www.deltabravo.net/news/10-19-2000.htm
How To Hire An Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/hiring.htm
Hiring An Effective Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/effective.htm
Success Factors In Obtaining Custody
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tips.htm
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/missed-visit.htm
Suggestions When Falsely Accused
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/falseacc1.htm
Dealing With Threats Of False Allegations
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/blackmail.htm
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/guide.htm
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pplan3.htm
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-vassiliou.htm
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-gardner06.htm
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-navarre.htm
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-gardner01.htm
THE SPECTRUM OF PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME (PART I)
Parental Alienation Syndrome is a distinctive family response to divorce in which the child becomes aligned with one parent and preoccupied with unjustified and/or exaggerated denigration of the other target parent.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/rand01.htm - size 40kb - 20 Oct 2003
12. Mediation And Parental Alienation Syndrome by Anita Vestal
This article looks at parental alienation syndrome (PAS), which is a complex manifestation of mental and emotional abuse resulting from conflicted parents fighting for custody.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-vestal.htm - size 52kb - 20 Oct 2003
13. Recommendations for Dealing with Parents Who Induce a Parental Alienation Syndrome in Their Children
PAS is commonly seen in highly contested child-custody disputes. The author has described three types: mild, moderate, and severe, each of which requires special approaches by both legal and mental health professionals.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-gardner02.htm - size 54kb - 20 Oct 2003
14. THE SPECTRUM OF PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME (PART II)
Studies of target parents who are falsely accused of abuse report they tend to be less disturbed than their accusing counterparts.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/rand12.htm - size 53kb - 20 Oct 2003
15. THE SPECTRUM OF PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME (PART II)
Parental Alienation Syndrome is a distinctive family response to divorce in which the child becomes aligned with one parent and preoccupied with unjustified and/or exaggerated denigration of the other target parent.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/rand11.htm - size 44kb - 20 Oct 2003
16. Parental Alienation Information Archive
All the information on the SPARC site regarding Parental Alienation has been consolidated on this central reference page.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pasarchive.htm - size 17kb - 20 Oct 2003
17. THE SPECTRUM OF PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME (PART II) (cont.)
In the following case, the accused father was an officer in the military. Testimony on PAS by the defense expert provided the judge and jury with some alternative explanations as to the reasons the children accused their stepfather of abuse.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/rand13.htm - size 31kb - 20 Oct 2003
18. THE SPECTRUM OF PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME (PART I)
Parental Alienation Syndrome is a distinctive family response to divorce in which the child becomes aligned with one parent and preoccupied with unjustified and/or exaggerated denigration of the other target parent.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/rand02.htm - size 44kb - 20 Oct 2003
19. Expanding the Parameters of PAS
The newness of the parental alienation syndrome (PAS) compels its redefinition and refinement as new cases are observed and the phenomenon becomes better understood.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-cartwright.htm - size 32kb - 20 Oct 2003
20. PAS: How to Detect It and What to Do About It
Although parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a familiar term, there is still a great deal of confusion and unclarity about its nature, dimensions, and, therefore, its detection.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-walsh2.htm - size 24kb - 20 Oct 2003
One of the first things you'll hear around here is "Document, document, document!". Having good records is *crucial*. Get yourself either the Parenting Time Tracker (PTT) at: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tracker.htm or the OPTIMAL Custody Tracking service at: http://www.parentingtime.net. The PTT is good, but the OPTIMAL service is definitely better.
Thanks for all your responses! We have not heard another word about the incident, but she did call yesterday and ask for her support check early. Imagine that!
The first thing I did was call my attorney and let her know what was going on. BM has called her attorney before, twice, with unfounded allegations; so I wanted my attorney to be aware this time. My attorney said basically "that sucks", but we will get through it; if we have to, we will put every one of our witnesses on the stand, all saying it did not happen. My attorney suggested that I NOT be alone with my daughter until this is over. We don't know what she might try to come up with next.
Thanks again for your reassurance!
Hi,
I think it's good advice to avoid being alone with daughter for a while.
I have a suggestion...
1. While the incident is fresh in your mind, write it down and date it. In case the "slap" is ever an issue in the future, you can refer to this document.
You may wish to consider what I did in the middle of custody evaluation when biomom submitted a recorded conversation with our 4 year old daughter in which she leads daughter through saying that I lock her in her room all the time and don't let her out.
Upon my attorney's advice, I went and took a polygraph from a licensed forensic polygraph guy. Simple enough. It cost me $400... much less than attorneys going back and forth.
Three days after biomom submitted the recording to the evaluator, my attorney submitted the results of my polygraph in which I'm reported as being truthful that I've never locked daughter in any room.
The evaluator in his report made mention of the recording, made mention of my polygraph report, and concluded the child was purely engaged in imagination during that recording.
Biomom also made a ton of other allegations against me and my parenting. I told the evaluator that if necessary, I'll take polygraph to those too.
Evaluator didn't report 99% of biomom's allegations about me, and again mentioned my offer to take more polygraph exams on a number of issues.
DD
How can we get a polygraph for my BF to use during custody trial and upcoming contempt trial? BM has made many false allegations.
Polygraph evidence is not admissable in court unless the other party agrees. Obviously, that won't happen if you have good results.
However, a polygraph report could be great for convincing therapists, law enforcement investigators, etc.
DD
Thanks! My wife had already suggested I write up a detailed description of the incident. But, hopefully, it may not be necessary.
BM brought D by today (I have overnight tonight) and made a big presention, in front of my wife and myself, that D was making up stories and causing people to have conflict. She said she had explained all this to D at home, but she wanted me to hear it also. D agreed, in front of BM, that I did not hit her. And I have a witness, with my wife there. Maybe (please Lord) this will blow over.
And one other thing BM said while she was here, was this had gone on way too long. I think it is beginning to wear her down, and she might??? talk about settling this case. Or, maybe, I am dreaming . . .
Boy, I don't want to tell you to get your hopes up, but...........
Still, that sounds like a HUGE admission on her part. Be willing to sit and listen, and willing to compromise as well. But NEVER forget to CYA at all costs!
And I'd still make that statement. PBFH's like her can turn nice one day and turn to poison the next. Get it written down, if for nothing else but for reference. And if worse ever comes to worse, you will have it when you need it.
Hi,
It's good news that your BM conceded that you didn't slap your daughter.
It's BAD news that instead of keeping it between parents, she decided to make a scapegoat of your 6 year old daughter.
Here's a stab at your situation...
Is your ex a chronic blamer for all of her problems, that all of her difficulties are the faults of other people and not herself?
Just from this example, she had to state that SHE didn't pry the information out of daughter, that it's not HER fault that daughter said these things, and that SHE isn't causing the conflict (but rather your daughter is).
If that's the case, then you always need your guard up. Any problems she has will daughter will either be your fault or daughter's. That's bad for you and horrible for daughter.
In terms of settling... my mantra has always been, "Pray for peace, prepare for war." If settling is possible, of course do it. If not, you're prepared to do what you have to do.
Best,
DD
You've got her pegged; it's always SOMEBODY elses fault. She just can't see the difficulties in her life, she has brought on herself! That's exactly what we are trying to get D out of!
Thanks for your responses; sounds like you've been through it, too!
i agree with your attorney and i was going to suggest that - try to have a witness with you at all times until the trial is over. Actually - if you want to win...don't try - you must have a witness.
and i would start working on getting those affidavits now from all who were at that gathering and witnessed. but beyond that i wouldn't worry about that particular incident too much.
i am not sure i agree with talking to your daughter about truth & lies at this point. PAS is tough to fight against. the child is being prompted by her mother...it sucks. i think, given that she is so young, your best bet is to just show even more love than you ever have (if that is possible?). talking to her about truth & lies is going to put her in the middle. kwim? but others here may have a different opinion than me.
shoot - i posted my reply before i saw these.
also agree....her making that presentation could be a tactic in getting you to let your guard down. Do not trust it!!! Do not let your guard down!!!