My husband recently talked to a lawyer about our situation. We really can't afford to go to court but we really think we need to get custody of his daughter. The lawyer told us that we should hire a private investigator. I am leary about doing it because of the cost. Does anybody have any info on how much we would be dishing out and what kind of information do they need to find. She's not a drug addict or an alcoholic but she is mentally unstable. She also doesn't spend enough of her time with her daughter. She is too busy partying or hanging out with her friends and dumping her daughter off with her family.
Is that enough for the courts to change custody for. His daughter is in therapy and has done very poorly in school and needs help. We think we can do that. Any information would be appreciated.
Stepmom74
Money well spent in my book. Depending in what part of the country you are in, I would say about $50 an hour. About 10 hours expected in most cases.
Find out what the attorney needs and go from there.
I would do it again....
The cost is really dependant on what the PI is going to do.
If they are simply doing an indepth background check,, coupla hundred will get ya there.
If its a survaillance(sp) with accompanying video,, the cost is obviously going up.
My cost was about 1500.
The grounds you are seeking are going to be hard as hell to prove. Even if mom is partying, shes not being neglectful,, she ensures her child is cared for.
BUT, if you can show the child is harmed by mom always pawning her off on others,, you may have a chance. Just keep in mind,, if you guys party also,, its going to be thrown up in court.
Like mentioned above,, You must show how her behavior is negativity affecting the child.
What is your current custody status?
If you file a Motion for Change of Custody, you must prove the reason or reasons for the change of custody shown in the Motion, and convince the Judge that it is in the "best interest of the child(ren)" for you to get custody.
It is very difficult to change Custody status.
What is much easer is trying to "Modify Visitation". Have your daughter spend more time with you.
Well, first of all, my husband is a noncustodial parent. They were never married and the judge figured he didn't need joint custody. The BM has milked that for all it's worth for 10 years. He has basically been told he has no say in any part of his daughter's life other than paying child support on time and getting her on weekends when it's allowed.
Second, we do not party. I am pregnant and I believe the only thing we've done in the last year was to go out for dinner or go to a movie. Usually with our kids. She on the other hand, is looking for new bait. She recently divorced and likes men too much to live without one. The only way to find men around ND is to go bar-hopping. She has even come to our town to do it!! We live about 15 minutes away from each other.
I don't feel like the child is being neglected but the problem is, if she could be seeing her biological father instead of spending time with her ex-stepdad, shouldn't she be able to? My husband's ex has her ex watching my SD everyday. They have been divorced for about 6 months now and I find it hard to understand why he can spend time with her but her dad can't? Do you know what I mean?
Most of all, she has been failing in school and is in counseling for depression. She also has ADD. She's only 10 and she's an emotional wreck. Her mother needs to spend time with her to help her with homework, and also be there for her emotionally. We don't think she is. The child is always with a babysitter. We feel that if she's with us she would be better taken care of.
I don't work and would be there for her anytime of day. Her father is done with work by 4:30 in the afternoon and would be there for her at night. Her mother doesn't even make it to her concerts and plays for school. We always are.
If we were given at least a chance to try it for awhile, we know she would get better but I don't know if it's enough. No, she's not physically abused but I think she needs a stable family life. Doesn't any child need that?
We just want to prove that her mother is not physically there as much as we would be for her. Dropping her off everyday doesn't make you a parent. Spending quality time with them does, right?!
Do you think it's enough to spend money on to prove?
stepmom
My personal opinion is that it is worth it.
BUT, what I would spend the money on is an attorney,, and try among you and friends to obtain video camera footage with date time stamps on it to show how often mom is out.
Show little 1-5 minute clips showing her going into bars on date such an such,, ect, ect.
Your big ticket items here is the child is depresed, and doing poorly in school,,, whats going to be hingpin here is WHY? THAT is whats gonna need to be in court.
Does the mom go to pick up the child after the bar? If so, that's what you want to get on tape. Or better yet, have the PI call the police when she has the child in the car (after partying). Then you can really kick butt in court.
The problem is that she just makes my SD stay overnight at people's homes. Her grandma has her about every weekend we don't and so I doubt I can get her for drunkdriving with SD. Another problem is that we live in a very rural area. If someone sees a suspicious car on the street for a long time they will call the cops. We have a lot of nosey old people with nothing to do but look out their windows. Besides that, she knows all of our family's vehicles. Like I said, we live in extremely small towns! I think hers has about 1200 people and ours has about 2500. Everyone knows everyone. I think she would say we are stalking her or something.
I'm really leery of doing something like that on our own. We need to do something though. Now my SD says she won't come to our house anymore because she hates us. I think she's suffering from PAS. I've researched it and now I wish we could use it in court. It sounds like it's really hard to prove though. I know her mother will deny it but maybe the depression and failing grades would be enough. I'm still scared to lose again. I don't want to make things worse for our situation. We are trying to keep our reputation squeaky clean so she has nothing to discredit us with.
Stepmom74
I don't want to sound like a pessamist, but I am one. It sounds like your SD really needs some parenting and you are willing and able to do it. BUT from what I know, and I admit it isn't alot, it takes alot to get a change in custody and how BM spends her social time usually doesn't count unless she is doing something INCREADABLY illegal.
If you don't think you will get custody, I suggest you try to get first right of refusal written into your parenting agreement. This would be great for you. When BM feels like being a bar babe, you get to have time to help SD with her homework or play board games or whatever. Then she will get the parenting she needs (at least more of it).
Good Luck!
The only problem with a ROFR is that you depend on your ex to adherr to it. My ex just sends the kids someplace else and doesn't say anything or, if I find out, simply states that the kids, "wanted to go". So, ROFR is another one of those hollow bones the court throws us. Looks tasty but crumbles when you bit into it.
There's really little you can do. Maybe if you can prove she's sending the kids somewhere ALL of the time. But if it's grandmas what do think the ex will say in court?
Have you written your letters?
I'm not sure of what letters your talking about writing. We have kept a journal for the last 3 months about the situation and the whereabouts of my SD and it doesn't look good for the BM. She hasn't spend one weekend with her since school was out for the summer. It has been us, BM's parents, BM's sister, or her ex-husband. That's the one that really gets me. Why should he spend more time with my SD than her BF does? Why would a judge think that's ok. She stays with him everyday from 9-3. I understand my husband works then too but I'm at least her stepmom, not her ex-stepmom.
Anyway, right now it's more than just her not being with her daughter that's the problem. She's had problems for the last 3 years. We finally convinced her BM to take her to counseling and that she has ADHD. I think it's pretty ridiculous when I have to tell her mom what her daughter's problems are. She can't say we don't spend enough time with her. I know her better that her mom does. Sad, isn't it.
Well, anyway, tonight my husband received a very nasty letter from my SD saying she doesn't want to do what he says and she won't come to our house. If he makes her, she wrote that she would just be a brat and lock herself in her room. She also wrote that he is not supposed to call her anymore because she won't talk to him. We have never had any problems with her not wanting to come and see us until this summer. My husband faxed the letter to her counselor tonight (she was counseling his daughter at the time) and she called him back after their session. The counselor says she needs to go to another therapist because she has more problems than she can help her with.
I think that alone should be enough reason for a judge to give us a chance to try to help her. Every year she spends with her mother, the worse she's getting. Do you think extensive counseling, bad grades in school, and lack of discipline and attention would be enough to change custody. For her emotional state, I would hope so. She's a happy kid at our house.
Stepmom
Find a better lawyer and go for it. You are right, and she is wrong. there has to be some good out there in this world