How can we do our job better? That's a question we ask ourselves often. We take work very seriously – we read books, go to seminars, get coached, and do whatever is necessary to improve ourselves.
Sometimes, however, we forget about working at being the best at our other job – the most important one. Being a father and the best one we can be. By best, I don't mean as per a ranking based on "time spent with kids" or "read five books this week" but simply being the very best we can be as our natural selves. I'm not thinking of Ward Cleaver or an idealized TV father. Rather, someone that simply does good things because he wants to, and listens - even when he knows just the right thing to say. And that's just my definition – I hope you might be willing to share yours.
If you're no longer married to your child's mother and a live away dad, like I am, I'd especially like to hear from you. By the way, I don't use the term part-time or visitation rights, part-time, or weekend father. As author William C. Klatte says in his book Live-Away Dads, these imply you're a visitor in your child's life. If your child doesn't live with you, you may have a whole subset of issues you deal with where you could use an idea or two. Some of the one's I think about include:
How do you make the most of your time – bonding, relationship building, and fun – while maintaining a semblance of a regular home life for your child?
Do you over-parent and try to make up for lost time?
How do you introduce a new spouse to your child and maintain a healthy balance between honoring the new person in your life while respecting your child's mother and her role?
Perhaps most importantly, how do you stay actively engaged in your child's life with a regiment that may consist of every other weekend and dinner or Wednesdays?
I don't have the answers to the above –although I'm constantly trying to come up with them! As a matter of fact, if you're like me, you think about these questions, wrestle with them, and wonder if other fathers have the same questions and need the same help. My guess is they do and that's why I'd like to put together this group – a group I'd call NYLAD – that stands for New York Live Away Dads (Coaching Group) – if you have better ideas for the name, I'm totally open.
How does this work? Frankly, I'm not sure – this is going to be evolutionary. At this point my hope is that we start out by talking or as it goes these days, emailing. If you're reading this and think it sounds interesting, email back your ideas. If things move along the right direction, we could move towards a chat-room forum, then a call. This would be a great start.
Moving on, and the reason I'm focusing on New York is that ideally, we could move on to a meeting, or outings and perhaps even get-togethers with our kids.
That's about it. If you like some or all of what you've read, please email me back as I'd welcome your ideas on moving this forward.
Robert Grabel
This could be pretty big. We all have questions, and getting together with other people and discussing issues can go a long way towards problem solving and better understanding.
Depending on everyone's interests, camping, fishing, and hiking trips are great ways to bond. You don't have to spend a fortune to have a good time :-)
You have brought up some very good points. I like your idea.
Anything to make life easier for the kids should be top priority. I try to look at it as his home away from home. Squeezing a few weeks into a few days is not easy. Whatever I can do to make his life more fulfilling and rewarding in my opinion, is GREAT! Sharing ideas is a good place to start.
I am not in your area, but do have weather related issues for outdoor activities.
Divorce is hard enough on the kids, giving them the very best from both parents has got to be a plus.
Count me in...
"Children learn what they live"
I'm glad you both like the idea. As noted, this is about getting people together and sharing ideas and things that work...
Just to get things rolling, one thing I've really been wrestling with recently is how to work with weekend time. I consistently find myself pulled in the direction of wanting to make sure she leaves having had a great time. At the same time, my daughter is in 3rd grade. You may have heard about 3rd grade here in New York - she might as well be taking SATs and applying for college - she's got the equivelant of a 4th grade admissions test coming up in less than two months. Naturally, at eight she doesn't have a full conception of the meaning of this. I don't want to be "the homework guy" but I can't help thinking we better work, work, work. Any thoughts?
Also, if you have ideas on how to make this "coaching" thing work i.e. - separate chat, monthly call, please let me know
I am no where near that point yet, but if I were in your shoes, I would explain how important her education is and that you want to be a part of it. Take a few hours in the morning and then do something fun in the afternoon. I think encouraging her to do her best in school will give you a sense of being included. And your daughter will make the effort to make you proud. I think kids want their parents approval and will strive to keep you involved. Even though it is 'homework' I think some good stratagies would make it more fun and something you will both enjoy.
Ever think of making up a really funny story about how you had to do the same thing? So its a makeup story, I think she would love hearing about her dad going thru the same stuff, even if it's just make believe.
Something will have to be worked out so we can share different ideas. I have AOL and Instant message. But I think we can all benefit from sharing ideas to help make the parenting time just a bit more special.
Anyone got ideas for a two year old? We do alot of coloring, puzzles, go shopping, reading and we have quiet time with Walt Disney. I like to do something special every time. Last Sunday we had a pillow fight.
Good ideas - and your definitely right about the "I remember when I had to do this", it's worked for other things so a good reminder.
Re: working something out for this, we've gotten lots of responses already - some sent directly to me, some on this board. As good as this board is, I'm going to look to set up a centralized chat room as a start and I'll post it as soon as its set
Regarding your 2 year old, a couple thoughts. I always found musich to be a great catalyst to relaxation and fun. And it doesn't matter if you're good - just sing something you know. Ask he/she what songs she knows and sing them for her. I just always found it lead to good places. Also, depending on her eating habits, an occasional meal out - a date - is wonderful. I've been doing it at Chinese restaurants w/my daughter since she was two. The waiters aren't always big fans - a bit more to clean up - but definitely fun as a novelty...
We do a lot of singing. I know all the Barney songs. And we have quite a collection of Walt Disney. I take him out to eat pretty often. I want to have my own personal things I do with him so he has the memories when he is older. I think with all of this divorce stuff, it takes a toll on him and I find music is a big help.
Let me know when you get something lined up for a chat room. I'll be there!
Thanks for the ideas!
I actually just did it but am a little pressed for time...It's set up on yahoo and later tonite I'll post all the info
This problem is in all the schools! Google up "No Child Left Behind". This is the Federal Governments idea on how to turn the kids into identical little clones. Why yes I am po'd about this!
My youngest is in 4th grade. Since 2001, she has started hating school. I couldn't understand what was wrong with these teachers. She used to love school. I looked at her homework over the last couple of years, and started seeing that she was skipping over some material not mastered, for more advanced work. For instance, she hasn't mastered her multiplication tables. Last year the teacher had them doing pre algebra concepts. This year she has geometry homework, and has to write essays in MLA format. What happened to old fashioned book reports for 4th graders?
I spoke with her teachers, oh yes they have to switch classrooms, because it is now mandated that you have to have a major in each subject you teach, instead of one teacher who knows all the material for that grade level. The teachers were practically wringing their hands about her tardies and absences, saying it was affecting her test scores. Well of course I can understand that, what I can't understand is why they're so twitchy, and why my girl is so upset.
Why does she have excessive tardies and absences? Well take this morning for example. She starting sobbing, and I mean sobbing, saying she was sick, etc. This has been going on since last spring. She had a "weaving project", and unfortunately a friends kitten ate it, so I threw it out. I didn't know it was a real assignment. I wrote a note telling them that, so they gave her another one. She had to stay home one day last week too. I can't send her to school bawling her eyes out. On that day she recovered enough to sit and do 6 hours of homework that was due that day. She had spent 6 hours the evening before on it, and didn't get to bed until after 11pm. What do parents who have their kids in soccer, etc do about kind of workload?
What does this have to do with you? Teachers could lose their jobs if arbitrary goals are not met, and school districts can be taken over by the state. Help your daughter with her homework, then do something fun. It's the kindest thing you can do for her. Has your daughter mentioned any problems with school? If her mother is a cooperative person, maybe you could see how much homework she's getting during the week.
As the days go by, I get the urge to reconsider homeschooling her.
This might be something that fathers can get together and discuss. Your little girl isn't the only one with tons of homework on the weekend.
I can remember coming home with 3-4 hours of homework every night! Didn't know things had gotten worse. What do they do in school? Are the teachers on 'break?' I can understand a few short assignments over the weekend to keep the little minds going, but this is unreal.
I remember 3-4 hours of homework in high school, but not grade school. Same with the oldest girls. This has just started a couple of years ago. The teachers are apparently running around like chickens with their heads cut off. I'm going to have to schedule a meeting with them, without the kid there. I took my son to the dr. today, and we also took some time to discuss my girl's problems at school. When I mentioned "No Child Left Behind", he knew what I was talking about. When are they going to dump this program? This is hard on teachers, too :-(
Maybe if they'd go back to what works, and dump all the "innovative" ideas and pc garbage, the kids would actually learn something. 3 out of 4 of my kids can't spell correctly. I've spent years trying to undo the learning techniques they've learned in school, but it's a losing game. I had an advantage over my kids, I went to Catholic school for 5 years. If the public school system was sincere about improving children's overall learning abilities and not just test scores, they'd go back to the old ways.
Lol, hey maybe daddy can spring for private school! Just kidding...
Thanks to all of you who have been responding to my post. As I had promised, I've set up a group/chat page where we can have "talk" as a group.
Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/nyladads
Group email address:
[email protected] Again, my goal in facilitating this is simple - get us talking! And I see that's already happening which is great. To be very explicit - and since I've posted on SPARC - the idea is not to pull dialogue away from this site.
Rather, it's really to share ideas, frustrations, challenges and hopefully give each other some needed boosts when necessary. If you're looking for the opportunity to do this, please sign on to the above. I look forward to our conversations...