Hi! I'm a new member, but have been reading your board for a while.
I live in TX. A few months ago my wife falsely accused me of assault. I had done nothing to hurt her and the report stated that they could find no injury at all. I was still charged with assault bodily injury-married. I ended up pleading guilty, in order to get adjudicated probation instead of jail time. My attorney told me I'd most likely get jail time if I plead not guilty, due to a very biased DV justice system (toward men) here. They seem to go by the concept of what they think the intent may have been, rather than actual fact. (The officer said he arrested me, even with no evidence of injury to the accuser, because he saw anger in my eyes, so I may have INTENDED to commit DV). I would have had to sit in jail for many months if I chose to go to trial, because they set bail for DV higher than for murder here for some crazy reason.
She received a protective order by lying, saying that she was terribly beaten, kicked, punched, knocked to the ground, choked etc., when the police report states there was NO injury. It banned me from any contact with her OR my son for two years. If they would have just read the police report they would have seen that the officer stated they could find no injury at all on her and it should be obvious that she had to be lying.
To make matters worse, we had separated two months before and my son, and stepson (her son from a previous relationship who has known me as his Dad since age 1) were both living with me due to her preoccupation with cocaine, prostituting for drug money and sitting in bars with men. She wasn't interested in caring for them.
With her problems, I feel the DA and judge that signed the protective order placed the childrens welfare in jeopardy by giving her exclusive and complete rights to them, especially without a hearing. She took the kids and disappeared- nobody knows where.
If I would have known the consequences I'd have waited in jail for however long it took to (at least try) to prove my innocence.
My advice to anybody else that believes they're being falsely accused of DV- DON'T PLEA! Go to jury trial and fight for your rights! Make them show proof of your guilt! The nightmare only gets worse once they have any admission of guilt! It doesn't matter then if you really are innocent. An impartial jury should be a lot less biased toward men than many judges and DA's.
My questions are:
Should they have had a hearing to find out what the circumstances with the children were, and where they were living, before taking all my rights to my child away?
Shouldn't the police report stating there was no injury show she was lying (on a sworn statement) to get the order?
Can I try to file a perjury complaint due to her perjury on the protective order?
Can I request a hearing to contest the part of the protective order pertaining to my son? HOW can I do this?
Can I sue the officials who I feel violated mine and my sons rights?
Does anybody know of an attorney near San Antonio that's not just a puppet of the DA in these types of cases?
I'm getting a real run-around with my questions about HOW to get a hearing.
I talked to attorneys who said there's no chance of getting any rights to my son at this time since I have the assault charge (it doesn't matter that there was no assault). They claim no judge will grant it.
I called the district court that granted the protective order, they said they believe the DA would handle an appeal of the order.
I called the DA and they said I can't talk to them about it because they're not there for me or the kids, they're there for her (they're HER attorney since they prosecute all DV charges).
I wrote letters to my representatives and Senator Kay Baily Hutchison's office wrote back saying they forwarded the information to TX Dept. of Family & Protective Services.
I received a letter saying it was being reviewed, but it's been months.
There was previous calls made to Child Protective Services telling them of her substance abuse and neglect if the boys. I have pictures of injuries they both sustained before she disappeared and at least 3 people that told of witnessing her substance abuse and violent behavior. They didn't even make a welfare check on them before she disappeared, and now are investigating why the welfare check wasn't made.
It's a terribly hopeless feeling to not be allowed to even know if your own child is safe. I've lost all respect for our judicial system, and I have a good idea my fight for my son is just beginning.
I'm sorry for this long post, but I desperately need help.
Can anybody tell me anything that I may be able to do?
TIA
A good Dad
Im interested in what part of texas you are in,, as I also am in texas,, dallas area.
Going on here,, I'm afraid with the guilty plea you entered on the DV charge,, you hosed yourself.
Your ex could be a maniac happy ax murderer, and it wouldnt help you much. Because you have been convicted,, she has not. The allegations of drug abuse and child neglect arent going to do anything for you. At least until she actually is found, investigated, and either charged and convicted or the children removed from her care.
Here's the kicker,, with your conviction,, if the children are removed from her, in all likelyhood, they will go into the foster care system and you will have to jumpt thru hoops,, ie anger management, psych evals and care ect ect in order to have HALF a chance of gaining custody.
As far as the DA and the courts are concerned,, they see you as a verified threat due to a guilty plea,, and her as a maybe threat due to allegations.
What dimwit attrny told you to plead guilty btw?????
I went to send you a private e-mail and found you disabled your user profile. If you would like a suggestion, you may e-mail me privately.
"Children learn what they live"
Aaack, you're right. These assholes will get someone to plead guilty or no contest, just because they're too damn lazy to represent their client.
Yes they are assholes. Only an asshole would do that to a client who has a police report clearing him/her of the charges.
Sorry, but I hate reading about people getting screwed.
Just some thoughts:
Since you plead guilty, they (you know who they are) are going to assume that you may be or have been violent towards the kids/or have anger problems, take some anger mgmt classes ON YOUR OWN and keep proof.
Fire your attorney and use that money to hire a PI who can track down the ex, investigate her, and determine if she is still a threat to the kids, if she is living in a crack house, and you already took anger mgmt classes, your chances of getting the kids improves greatly. If not, then, you are back to square one.
Hope this works, and I hope anyone going thru false allegations ALWAYS stick with the truth.
Hey there,
Hope you're still reading these replies.
We who have been through similar situations know of your desperation and sense of feeling violated. It's important to look at the reality of your situation so that you can improve it from here.
I think you're looking in the wrong direction. The past is the past, and you can only build to a better future. When you plead guilty to a crime, you don't get a "do over". Your lawyer may have sucked, you may have made a decision out of fear, etc. However, there WAS due process in that you pled guilty to a criminal charge. You waived a hearing to prove your innocence.
So... as far as the system is concerned, you committed domestic violence. That is your foundation right now.
Sucks, yeah.
You can choose to futilely fight it, but it will only postpone your ability to get back into your child's life.
With all your extra time right now (and no court will change it in the near future), go through an anger management program and complete it with flying colors. Attend sessions with a psychologist who can testify that you don't have rage issues. Complete a parenting course.
Find a good family law attorney. Look into what it takes to document (via very strong evidence) what your ex is doing with drugs/abuse, etc.
If you have extra time during the day, go to your family law courthouse and sit in on many hearings. When you see an attorney strongly advocating for a client and not rolling over on anything much less than what the client wants, ask that attorney for a business card.
Several months from now, go back to court to request custodial time with your kid. You'll likely get it, after showing everything that you've done to prove yourself a devoted parent who no longer has anger problems (i.e., remember, your guilty plea is as good as saying you have anger problems, so now you need to make the effort to recover from your huge mistake-- made out of ignorance).
From there, you can start over on the path to having increasing timeshare (or becoming the custodial parent if your child's mom continues to screw up). You may be looking at a couple of years before you're in a stable situation again with custody.
Understandably, what you experienced is enough to make someone furious with such injustice. The fury is clear with your words in your post. Unfortunately, if you act with such fury toward the players in the system (e.g., judge, D.A., etc), they'll characterize you as having rage problems. Fighting the past is a losing hand.
Jumping through hoops and playing the game for the future is your only option... coupled with being assertive for what you know is right from now on.
Best wishes. It's not the end of the world. It's just the first lost skirmish and a huge wake-up call that you need to educate yourself on how to win in a largely uncaring and unjust system.
DD
Hi all!
I appreciate all of the replies. They've helped me a great deal.
I have realized there is no way to fight the biased system and I certainly will do whatever possible to find my son and step-son and get rights to see them again. I'm still very worried about them due to the problems their mother has. I can only pray they'll be safe until I can get some rights again and be able to find them.
I am working at this time on some of the things you suggested. I have run into some problems with the anger management I signed up for. It's at a Family Domestic Violence Center and they seem to be pretty anti-male. Their doctrine is that women are ALWAYS the victim and men are ALWAYS the abuser. It can never be the other way around. They have pictures of men in handcuffs and behind bars, and pictures of weeping and battered women and children, around the walls.
I asked them "do abused men ever come here for help"? They said, "there has been a few, and they got pretty upset when they were told to leave, we couldn't help them". It's a pretty hostile place toward men.
Anyway they want me to sign papers that a am an abuser and that I assaulted my wife. I was informed that I cannot complete the classes without doing this. I really feel uncomfotable about having to 'confess' to something that isn't true again, and I'm afraid it could be used against me later. Look where it got me in court.
My question is: If I sign the papers stating I'm an abuser and that I assaulted her, when it's not true, won't this hurt more than help me? Or do I have to lie and sign it anyway in order to complete the classes as they claim?
How do I handle the classes when they only want me to say what a horrible person I was to assault her, and what an abusive person I was, when it didn't happen and I'm not? I have to write out a 'confession' of exactly how I abused her and how this made me feel, and how I think she felt. How do I do this when I didn't abuse her? Should I just go along with whatever they want in order to complete this? I don't know if I can. Does anybody know of anger management classes around San Antonio that are NOT anti-male? Does it HAVE to be a domestic violence class? Any advice?
As far as documenting the drug use and neglect of the children by my wife, would records kept the past couple of years do any good? They were kept by myself and my parents with times when we saw mistreatment that upset us, and times she told us of things over the phone. There's pictures of suspicious injuries to the children too. She liked to throw the abuse, neglect and drug use in our face because she knew there was NOTHING we could do, and she was right. As soon as she found out I was trying to take legal action to protect the children, she turned the tables by crying domestic violence.
There's also some witnesses, but I don't know how cooperative some of them would be, since they were mostly involved with the drugs along with her. We have a first name (could be fake) of her drug dealer that she got her drugs from and slept with at times for drugs. She even had him in our home once, before I learned who he was, and what was going on.
Reports were made to CPS but nothing was done as far as I can tell. We were informed that they can't let us know if they investigate or not. The last time I called they said they couldn't even find the file. Every time I think things couldn't get any worse- they do.
Well, I want to thank you all again for your advice.
Please let me know your thoughts on the anger management classes and documentation.
TIA
H.
I would not be too quick on signing anything. If they are anti male, you lose. Check with some of the hospitals in your area. Do a google search and see if anyone else has a program. Maybe something in the nest county.
Document, document and document some more. Get a time tracker to help keep this to date. I would also work on things that have already occured and write it down. Funny how your memory can forget what could be very important. Think back as far as you can.
I would think those documents you and your parents have will come into play. Keep them in a safe place. Make copies for the courts.
If it were my butt on the line and your children's future, I would hire a PI. It will cost a few bucks, but well worth it.
Hi,
Court probably won't care WHICH course/class you take so long as you have a letter or certificate of completion.
I would never sign anything that isn't true and that is disadvantageous toward myself. Time to find another course.
You may want to contact Richard Warshak, an author out of Texas who probably knows the area. His website is http://www.divorcepoison.com/
You may also want to get involved with a therapist, who may have some referrals for you (to a course) once she/he understands your situation.
Best,
DD
Unbelievable!!! I live in Ohio and I married my wife with 2 kids from an ex husband who had hit her numerous times. He had 3 charges from her for domestic violence. About 3 years ago, her oldest wanted to go live with the father (the grass is greener) and his wife. It was a decision but he had never done anything to the kids so we agreed and because she really wanted to go. They had no kids and a huge house and tons of money (which my wife never got any of). My step daughter started acting real weird after about 6 months but said everything was fine. Then a few months later we got a phone call late at night from the police who said that they had the step daughter and wanted to know if she could come to our home. The father punched her in the mouth and pushed her down a flight of steps. We went to court numerous times and the court finally gave custody back to my wife. We found out that the father had 2 DUIs, 2 more domestic violence against his new wife and 1 arrest for drug posession. The day she got custody back she asked about the younger child because he still had a visitation order with that child. You want to know what the judge said? He said that since he never touched her that the order was still good. He is still allowed to see her. I don't think I will ever understand the legal system.
1. Has anyone filed for divorce?
2. Are you paying child support?
3. Was there some other evidence other than her allegations and the cop's report?
4. I would not under any conditions undertake an anger class at a domestic violence shelter: those places are cesspools of unethical therapists, criminals who steal government money, and bureacrats who spend time developing programs to substantiate the false allegations of mothers involved
in custody cases that could be spent helping help real victims of DV.
5. Anything you say and do at a DV shelter could certainly be used against you if later on down the road to attempt to establish visitation. it would be very easy for one of their "expert" lying, misandry-driven therapists to state that you would ALWAYS POSE A THREAT TO YOUR CHILDREN.
6. Where you ordered to take these classes? (I might of missed that in your post).
7. The way to get a hook into this may be to file for divorce. You would have to pay CS, but it may help you to get the system rolling so that you can use part of it to help you. You can't claim she abandoned you, because of the conviction and its sentence.
After two years, you could attempt to establish visitation via the divorce decree. But you do need a PI to find her so you can serve her.
Good advice! Definitely find your own therapist/psychologist and have them refer you to whatever OTHER programs there may be. As long as there is documentation from a bonafide mental health care professional, the court can't say you did not seek counseling. If you do not know of a therapist, test the waters until you find the right one (but don't go to 4-5 different ones). And finally, DO NOT sign anything else admitting something you did not do. You've already got enough of a ball of yarn to untangle as it is.
If, after appointments with your own therapist, they find that you should "fess up", then by all means don't screw yourself or your child any more and absorb the treatment. Only then will the court attempt to hear you out.
In answer to your questions:
I filed for divorce months ago, but I have no idea when it will be final because of her disappearing act. I've already spent thousands and basically nothing has come of it. The PI that works for the divorce attorney couldn't find her to serve the papers. He informed me that the divorce can still go through (he doesn't know when), and he said I may be able to get some supervised visitation eventually, WHEN she's found. I'm about out of money AND hope. It's been nearly nine months since I've seen my children, and it looks like it's gonna be a lot longer.
The boys were both living with me before the accusations were made, not her, (I was about to file for custody before the DA helped her do what she needed to take them and disappear). We had already been living apart for a couple of months and she got worried about losing custody due to the things she was doing, so she had to discredit me somehow. She even said she needs the boys with her in order to get government money and housing, and more money from me. In other words they're her meal ticket and drug money.
I haven't been paying child support since she disappeared. Who would I pay it to? I don't even know what state she's in. She was picking up men all the time (just one of the reasons I washed my hands of her) and could be living with who-knows-who, who-knows-where. That's another reason I'm scared to death for the boys. I told the DA's office this and asked them just to please have her supervised, maybe weekly drug tests, for the boys' safety. They said (and I quote) "We're not here for you or the children, we're here for her."
When they're found I'll certainly do whatever I can for the boys, as I always have. I always took care of them, not her. She uses a lot of money on cocaine and going to bars, so that's where the money will go. I also found out she fraudulantly received welfare money and food stamps while the boys were living with me, by claiming she they were living with her. She and the lazy bums she was shacking up with used it for themselves. I reported the fraud, but if they do anything about it I'll probably get stuck paying it back anyway. It's all just so ironic.
As far as the accusations- There was no evidence at all, even according to the police report. She rubbed her neck to make it red and said I choked her. In the report the responding officer said there was a bruise, but the officer that arrived a few minutes later to take pictures said they could find nothing. Maybe some officers should learn the difference between a red mark and a bruise, and they should also allow both sides to tell what happened, not just automatically take the woman's word for everything and not allow the man to even speak.
On the protective order she lied even more and said I kicked and punched her several times, knocked her to the ground and strangled her. If they had the officers statement that there wasn't even one mark on her, how could they believe her statement? She lied on a sworn statement and they don't even care. I asked the attorney about charges of perjury and he said they never prosecute perjury here anyway. People are allowed to lie all they want under oath and on sworn statements with no consequences at all.
I just pray the boys stay safe and that I can find them one day, and this nightmare comes to an end.
Thanks to all who replied and listened!
H.
Thanks for the details. Firstly, you have my utmost empathy. (Not sympathy---that is a greeting card emotion). Empathy is the ability to feel WITH another person. I understand that you are at one of your darkest moments. You must keep thinking and doing and be proactive. By posting on this board, you have shown your ability to do that. Keep trying, please.
As far as you incredulous reactions to the DV laws and how they function. They are insane. Everything you reported is SOP when a mother fires the silver bullet of DV charges. I know this won't help you emtionally, but it might help you to intellectually understand the DV problem: type in "domestic violence" in the SPARC search engine.
A list of article will come up. here you can learn about how DV programs are funded, their relationship to mandates follwed by police departments, etc.
One thing you might consider: Is it possible she has fled and filed for divorce in another state? Many states have stautes such as "Post Seperation Family Violence Relief Acts." It is possible for her to file in another state and cuase you more woe using laws such as this. She does not have to file for divorce to invoke the law.
Her desperation for money will force her to seek child support. You need to watch this. You should calculate what your support would be and put that much money away each month. The last thing you need is a giant arrearage that gets you on a national wanted list or in jail.
Keep your faith.