My story in brief is. On Dec 26th 2007 I discovered my common-law partner was having an affair with a woman 21 years younger then himself. Ok, fine, He left me and our 3 year old daughter and gave me sole custody, guardianship and mobility rights. He also left me strapped for cash as I was a SAHM and had no money. So.... I sold MY house and moved to another province after exhausting ever avenue with my ex. I begged him time and time again to come up with a plan so I could afford to stay in the house but he was too busy taking trips with is new GF.
I bought a big house in another province opened a B&B and now I can make money and stay at home with my daughter, life is grand.
Now my ex is having second thoughts and says he signed over custody under duress. LOL Yeah, I had a gun to his head. Sheesh.
HE and his GF are getting in engaged and now he wants custody! He is claiming parental alienation! When he came to visit I opened my house to him, encouraged our daughter to enjoy her time and basically left them alone while he was here. He is a good Dad, and I have no problem with him visiting her as much as he wants. I am polite to him and would NEVER put him down in front of our daughter.
HE rarely calls our daughter and when he does it is odd times, never leaves a message and now he claims we are avoiding his calls. I tell him to leave a message with a time to call and we will call him back. His answer, "I shouldn't have to make an appointment to talk with my daughter". GRRRRR
God I am so frustrated with his behavior. He does visit once a year which is great, and pays support. My EX now wants me to let him have our daughter for a month, not going to happen. When she is older I have NO problem with it but she is only 4 and very attached to me. She rides her pony, take gymnastic and has lots of family in the town I moved to. The kid has a charmed life.
Ok, my question is why oh why do people make up such vile lies? Or, do they really believe their own crap.
Ok, maybe I just needed to vent! LOL
Trish
I think most of the members here are the US, but there may be some who could answer your questions. Canadian law may be very different.
1. Is there common law marriage in Canada (or your province)?
2. Would he have had to sign something stating he is the father at birth (it needs to be done here, or a DNA test)? Here, he would have to prove paternity and file for his rights if you're not married.
How long ago did you move away? Did you need to ask the court and/or Dad's permission (if he was even the legal dad)? I gather he knows where you are now, since they had a visit there.
It often happens that when an NCP hooks up with a new SO, they think they are parent of the year (or try to prove that fact to the SO) and try to get custody. Here, at least, he would have to show a good reason why it would be better for the child to live with him and disrupt her life (change in the child's circumstances, for the worse). He may also want to try to get custody so he doesn't have to pay support (new SO may not like that). Is the support court-ordered? No parenting time through the courts?
I would get a consult with a local attorney to see what everyone's rights are and what his chances may be. I would say not good. He should end up with court-ordered parenting time. Also here he would get every other weekend, holidays, and extended time in the summer. You may want to suggest shorter visits until they get re-acquainted.
At any rate, don't worry until you are served with court papers.
Feel better ?
I experience the same from my X. For the life of me, I will never understand how people can change their behavior from one extreme to the other, seemingly overnight. I really feel that they truly believe, in their own minds, that they are correct and everyone else is wrong. How can everyone else be wrong ? Very rare for that to be the case ! LOL
Best of luck.
Mike
In the very first sentence, you say that it hasn't even been 6 months since you found out about the affair and he left. But then near the end, you say that he visits only once a year..........but it hasn't even been a year since he left. Doesn't add up. Just seems like a lot has happened in less than 6 months.
But if you're in Canada, you have a whole different justice system to deal with. If you have a current custody order in effect, and he's claiming he signed under duress, then the only one he has to prove that to is the judge or magistrate, NOT to you. If he wants to make changes to the current order, he will need to file a petition with the court and, if Canada allows for mediation, you come to some agreement as to how custody will be arranged. Only one thing: unless he's proven by the law to be an unfit parent, do not deny your child the right to have a relationship with her father.
I understand the need to vent.........everyone who comes here regularly can vouch for that as well. But be very careful on what you say, even in a vent. Sarcasm and put-downs only make you look bad and lessen your credibility.
LOl I was just about to blast you for being a lousy reader then I reread my post. I meant to say Dec 26th 2006 not 2007! I can see where lies the confusion.
I would never think about denying my EX access, I do every thing in my power to see that he speaks and web cams with our daughter as much as possible. In reality I think I do too much, I wish he would put in more effort. He is not an unfit parent, in fact he is a pretty good Dad.
"I understand the need to vent.........everyone who comes here regularly can vouch for that as well. But be very careful on what you say, even in a vent. Sarcasm and put-downs only make you look bad and lessen your credibility."
I understand that putting others down is not cool, I cannot see where I managed that in my post and I think your statement about credibility is premature.
Trish
There is common=law marriage in Canada. Not exactly the same where property is involved as it is in a marriage. Thank God for me! LOL I would have to pay and his 19 Y-O belly dancer 100K if we had been married. Yikes! Talk about adding insult to injury!
My EX doesn't deny he is the Father of our child, he pays support but gets pissy from time to time and threatens to cut off support. He sent her a toy then deducted the amount he paid for it from the child support.
I moved away on April 23rd 2007, I left Dec 2006 not 2007 as I earlier stated. I gave him 5 months to try and work out a parenting plan but to no avail.He does visit and is welcome in my home anytime.
"t often happens that when an NCP hooks up with a new SO, they think they are parent of the year (or try to prove that fact to the SO) and try to get custody. Here, at least, he would have to show a good reason why it would be better for the child to live with him and disrupt her life (change in the child's circumstances, for the worse). He may also want to try to get custody so he doesn't have to pay support (new SO may not like that). Is the support court-ordered? No parenting time through the courts?"
I believe you may have hit on something here, he wants me to send our daughter to him as pay a huge amount in flights when it would be much better for him to come her. I know he just wants to play Daddy in front of his SO to prove want a great guy he is. We do not have a parenting time arrangement, the only thing we put into the courts is that my EX has access with prior notice and consent. I am working on a support order as we have nothing in writing.
I have done all the legal work myself as I see no need for a lawyer as yet.
We do live about 2000 miles away from each other so every other weekend could be tough. LOL
Trish
>Feel better ?
>I experience the same from my X. For the life of me, I will
>never understand how people can change their behavior from one
>extreme to the other, seemingly overnight. I really feel that
>they truly believe, in their own minds, that they are correct
>and everyone else is wrong. How can everyone else be wrong ?
>Very rare for that to be the case ! LOL
>Best of luck.
>
>Mike
LO Yeah thanks Mike I do feel better. I will admit I was pretty angry when I first discovered that the man I was deeply in love with had an affair with a teenager albeit "exceptionally mature" one. ha ha.
AS for the overnight change in behavior oddly enough that is what happened. Every thing was fine with our arrangement until one day he called and was very angry and demanding that our daughter come and stay with him and his GF for a month. I thought it was great that he wanted to do that but please she is only 4 and is very settled and happy. Plus she is very attached to me as she has never been in a daycare and I have always been with her. She loves her Father I am sure but is not ready emotionally to be away from me. Simple. I told him as such and he started to beak off about his "rights". I told him he had the right to visit any time he wanted. In the meantime I am the one who gives up things like money, vacations, free time and dating to ensure my daughter is well taken care off. My EX goes on trips to Europe because his GF wants to the belly dancers in Turkey, spend more in a weekend then it cost him to visit here for a week and then charges me for a toy he sends our daughter. Oppps! Am I venting again? LOL
Trish
I thought that might be the case with the dates, but I just wanted to make sure!
As for my statements, maybe it's just me, but comments like 'I had a gun to his head', 'his 19 Y-O belly dancer', and 'he started to beak off about his "rights". I told him he had the right to visit any time he wanted' sounded pretty low-handed to me. You need to maintain as much of an objective view of this as possible. Everyone here can tell you how emotional dealing with all this can be...we've all been thru it. But I will tell you from first hand experience, my son and I both suffered until I managed to get a handle on my emotions and do what was right for my son, regardless of what I thought of his father. Because no matter how hard I tried to separate my emotions from actually dealing with the situation, my emotions always managed to come through somehow.
As for your daughter spending a month with her dad, that's not entirely unreasonable. DS would spend the entire summer with his dad, as we lived 1800 miles apart. I would put him on a plane one week after school was out and he came back one week before school started. This was the culmination of a graduated plan that initially started with 4 weeks and increased by 2 weeks every year until it was all summer. He also went to see his dad every other Christmas.
Every time I put him on a plane, vivid images of him screaming bloody murder every time I left for work always came to me. This was a reaction to him being separated from me by his father for almost 2 months when he was 4 years old. VERY long story, but needless to say, DS went through some horrific separation anxiety for a very long time after I got him home. Didn't change the fact that I still had to send him to his dad EVERY year. But once I was able to understand that, no matter what I thought or felt about DS's dad, DS loved his dad dearly and I would be extremely negligent to come between that. And thank God I got over it, because when DS was 13 and just went out for the summer, his dad was diagnosed with cancer and died 3 weeks later, while DS was there. DS has had problems ever since, including juvenile detention, residential treatment, and extensive counseling.
I tell you all this because your daughter's father has every right to have a relationship with her, and NOT to just 'visit' her. Him coming to just 'see' and 'visit' her does not allow him to be a parent to her. And with the distance between you, a long-distance schedule has to be decided on. If the local school system has spring breaks, that's certainly some time that could be used. Definitely over the summer and trading Christmas (every other year) allows both of you to spend the holiday with your child. At her age, she cannot fly alone. You will need to find out what Canadian aviation laws allow, but in the US, children cannot fly unaccompanied until they are 5 y.o. and must fly non-stop until they are 8. After age 11, it is optional, but in this day and age, certainly adviseable. There is a fee, of course, and to fly non-stop, I had to drive 1000 miles every time to get DS there and back (500 miles to O'Hare and back twice).
As for his 'new-found' desire to spend time with his daughter, it just might be because he's discovered what his and his child's rights are and wants to exercise them. So unless and until he's proven unfit to parent (and given the distance involved), she will be away from you for very extended times. And regardless of how hard it was to put DS on that plane, it was a relief, too. Because it gave his dad the responsibility to parent and gave me some much needed time off. And it forced us to communicate and co-parent, which was nothing but beneficial for DS.
DS is now 19 and going to school 700 miles away. This alone, considering everything that poor kid has gone thru the last 8 years, is a triumph. But now that he's older, he knows what my feelings were about his dad, and he knows how hard his dad and I had to work to put our differences aside for his sake. His love for BOTH his parents is equal and fierce......and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I apologize for the long post, but I know how difficult long-distance parenting can be. BT, DT. And with DS losing his dad so young made it 100 times more difficult. If I can be of any help whatsoever, just ask. The laws and regulations may be different and it's something you should spend time investigating. Good luck to you and your child.
Good points Kitty,
I am fortunate in that I live close to my daughter. I couldn't imagine not being able to be there for her at a moments notice. Guess I'm suffering from withdrawal !
I agree that Kitty has some valid points but each case is different.
I would never put my daughter on a plane before I thought she was emotionally able to handle being away from me. My daughters well being comes before anything in this world. My EX decided to leave me and daughter to be with his teenager (get a sense a humour on that one), granted she is very pretty and has boobs that other boobs orbit around (what? Not funny! :-)but still the man is 44.
My Ex gave not one wit what was to become of me and our daughter. We had no money, I was a SAHM and would have had to work two jobs, stick our daughter in day care. I would have come home exhausted with no desire to play and stimulate my daughters growing mind. Meanwhile dedicated daddy was taking trips and NOT ONCE did he come see our daughter unless I asked him to. NOT ONCE did he keep her past 5 PM so I could visit with friends or see a movie. I was shattered over our break-up, I thought we were happy do you think that he even took into account how my mood was going to effect our daughter? He lived 10 minutes away and the man did not give a rat's a$$ about what his daughter may be going through not having Daddy around. I weaned her months earlier and she wanted to start nursing after he left. He would yell and scream and kick things while she was in the room. Finally, while I was holding her, he hit me. I knew then, I had to leave and I stayed up every night studying the law and filling out papers because I could not afford an atty.
As for his "new found desire" LOL What you really think he just "discovered" his rights? OMG He is pretty obtuse but not blind and stupid. His desire to be father came when he stopped thinking with the little head and "discovered" that because he was selfish, greedy, and ignorant he no longer had a daughter.
Despite all of this I still encourage a relationship between the two. I never disparage the man, nor do I hinder contact in any way. But...it will be a cold day in hell that I allow my daughter to spend time with him 2000 miles away from me. When he visits I leave them alone together as I take the time for a much needed break that is the best I can offer until my daughter is old enough.
Hey Mike. was I venting again...whew!
When DS made the decision to go to school in WY, friends asked me if I was nervous about DS going so far away for so long. I told them the distance and time (9-12 months) doesn't bother me at all. I've sent him farther and for longer periods of time. BUT........all those times I sent him away, someone was taking care of him, being responsible for him, whether it was his dad or the counselors at the wilderness therapy program, JDC, or residential treatment.
I learned very early on that worrying about him just because he was gone didn't do either of us any good. In fact, it really affected me physically. But once I got past that, it was much easier to deal with. Then I just missed him and we have had some great 'mini-reunions' that brought many smiles from the flight attendants who escorted him!
Now, he's on his own! Now Mama is dealing with the stress, no doubt about it! :-) I guess I've seen him go away so many times, it would seem weird to have him around 24/7, 365. But if he gets married and gives me grandbabies, I just might insist on that, LOL!
The slamming is totally uncalled for, regardless of what you 'think' of your child's father. I dealt with physical abuse, too, to the point that he almost snapped my neck with his own two hands. He slapped me across the face right in front of DS while I was changing him...and it was DS's birthday, he was drunk and pi**ed off that I didn't come home when he 'thought' I should have. After he took DS and split, and the emotional trauma he put DS through because of it, every time DS screamed when I'd leave, I wanted to kill the guy if he had been standing in front of me.
Didn't change the fact that he was still a good father, we just couldn't live together. Didn't change the fact that he had the right to exercise his rights as a father. Didn't make any difference WHAT I thought of him. DS loved his dad and I would NOT project my hatred (at that time) of him on DS. DS had it hard enough without me screwing with his mind even more.
Be VERY careful if you land back in court regarding his parenting time. If you dig in your heels and project your feelings against your ex in court, you will lose. When you go to court, it is ALL about the child and NOTHING to do with the relationship between you and your ex. That's over....now you have to co-parent, whether you like it or not. LD visitation by air is the norm these days.......judges order it very often in these cases. And if you're not willing to compromise and work with the father, the judge could very well order custody to the parent they feel will look out for your daughter's best interest, be VERY careful.
But as long as you continue to slam your ex, those emotions will be projected on your daughter, and she will suffer for it because of you. If you have to, get help to get a handle on it...that would benefit both you and your daughter. Of course she probably wanted to nurse...she was traumatized by the changes and that was one thing that comforted her. No different than any other child reverting back to infant behavior after going through something like that. DS did the same thing. Some toddlers do the same thing during just a family move. It's all in how they deal with the change and what comforts them to get through it.
I've been on this site almost since inception (about 10 years) and have seen cases like yours all too often. But you're losing a LOT of respect here by the immature comments and slamming you're doing. If all you want to do is b*tch about the father, take it to some single mom's website where they do that all the time. If you want help, are willing to be open to listen, and handle yourself in a mature manner, we're all ears and willing to help out.
But if it's the former, I will not respond again..........
I think you are a bigger person then I am.
Our daughter would be on a plane today if I thought she was ready, but as I have stated she is not. I do not "hate" my Ex, if anything I feel sorry for him.
AS for losing in court because of my feelings...like I said earlier, whike my ex was spending the food money on his little trips I was up until 2 am studying the custody laws. I have things figured out in that regard.
After my ex spends the child support payments on his trip to Europe I'll will let you know how things worked out.
"Our daughter would be on a plane today if I thought she was ready, but as I have stated she is not."
I think that all kids given the chance will thrive in any situation BUT they have to be given the chance. Kids are VERY versitile and will adjust to any situation. Of course it always takes time, but the time will have to given 100% hole heartedly without reservations. The opportunity would have to be presented. If the opportunity is not presented one will never know the true outcome of the situation. Children can not thrive if there is strife and concern spewing through emotions and words. Be it you may not say something to her...however actions speak louder than words. Kids pick up on feelings and emotions even if one feels they are in complete check.
'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did' . Be it the something wasn't never had by your daughter...she DID have a father. So the father was done with you ...not your daughters fault or even Fathers fault or yoru fault, so he found soemthing new. Obviously this is what was meant to happened...but you shouldn't fault your ex for wanting to be happy...it was the way it was meant to be. A chilold can not be happy completely if either one of their parents aren't happy. You do not know what one is capable of unless you try. As I watch my DS ride a bike...was he "old enough" or ready for that?...well he is only 2.5 years old...I don't think he is ready for that but I wll not prevent him from trying.
There will always be a transition but if it is encouraged and brought to her as an opportunity for her to know daddy...then it can go off just fine. If it is brought as "I have to leave you my poor baby" or the same idea "I can't let you go 2000 miles away", "You can't be away from me for more than a week as you never have before"..then the child will not want to go. The transition will not take long. Even leaving a chlid at day care...if mom feels awful about it...baby will. If mom is confident and says you will have fun try it out, etc...baby will be more accepting of trying it out and doing something new. Baby may cry but once mom is gone ...baby will be completely fine!
Children will feed off of their parents fears/emotions. Do you think all kids hate going to the doctor...no it is the way it is presented and the fears of the parents they are getting their feelings from. Mom scared of needles...baby will be scared of needles. Mom presents it as a good for you and a good thing...the child will take it that way. If mom gets upset over the shots and what is happening...baby will do the same. Mom gets upset over thunderstorms...baby will do the same. If mom says cool look at the sky, look at the lightening...then baby will enjoy them instead of being scared. Get the idea?
EVERY CHILD is ready to have a father, no matter what is required to have that father in their lives. EVERY child NEEDS a father and if it is the mother "in charge" then it is the mothers obligation to do what is best for that child...which is to have a father!!! EVERY CHILD NEEDS BOTH PARENTS! and this should be accomplished in any way possible. EVEN if "she isn't ready". Sounds to me like you are not ready.
Me - I am not ready to leave my son without my husband or myself around over nights or at a weekend at a friends house...but I will stilll be doing just this to ensure my sons growth is encouraged and he is presented with the opprotunities to grow, learn and experience life. I personally am not ready to do that, but doens't mean I will stump my sons growth by remaining at arms length "until he is ready". He is ready when I am...actually he is ready now and I have to get over my own reservations and be the adult to ensure my son is healthy.
Just wanted to say thank-you. I am afraid you might be right. Now it is my time to face my fears.
Plus...I really would like to get away with a BF for a week or so! LOL
Trish
That is unless Dad comes and picks up lil one then takes her back. Children cannot fly unattended until they are at least 5 y/o.
I know you're afraid of your lil one being away from you. I know you're afraid of her liking the "other woman" or just the fact that you're angry that all this happened. Trust me...I fully understand!
Much like Kitty, I've been on these boards since 97', I've seen many come and go. I've also been where you are now!
When my DS was 10 months old, his father decided he didn't want to be with me anymore, packed up and took off while I was at a b-day party for my Mother. I didn't care about the stuff, what I cared about was my Son that he took with him!
Thankfully, I was able to file for emergency custody, and got my son back...but that lead to a nasty custody fight. When all was said and done it worked out that I got primary and he got a pretty good visitation schedule. The problem was that he is living in MI and DS and I are in MD. For the first 4 years, X would fly down, pick up DS and take him back to MI. When DS turned 6, he started flying on his own. Letting DS go that first time was hell due to his father taking off with him in the first place. But now, I almost badger DS Father as to when he's going to send the airline tickets...hehehehe
Kids only know what we teach them. I taught DS from an early age that going on the plane to visit Daddy was FUN....it was and still is for DS!!
Do I like my X...NOPE...can't stand him, but my Son will NEVER know that!!!
I emailed my ex and said, alright, send me your plan as for care, and flight arrangements dates, and I will arrange to it get a court order to make sure that you return DD at the date we both agree on. I would never let him take DD without a court order in place as I do not trust him and the order is just to safe guard.
That was over a month ago and he has still not made arrangements to have DD come and visit with him. Too bad because I actually was looking forward to taking a little vacation with a boyfriend of mine.
Kitty I will let you know if he ever follows through with his plan. Somehow I doubt it. He is off to the belly dancing capital of the World next month so he may exhaust all his funds on the teenager (oh come now, a little sarcasm!). :-)
... nm