SPARC Forums

My son, who is 8 years old, is with me for our summer visitation.  2 weeks ago his mom came to one of his summer games and when she left to go home (3 1/2 hours away) my son was so upset he was bawling.  

Later that night he was questioning when he would go back to his mom's house, so my wife made him a calendar which showed him the visitation schedule and all of the events for the summer.  

A little later he was in the kitchen studying the calendar then came to me upset and crying again and said he just misses her so much and that he doesn't think it's fair that he has to be here for 2 weeks but only goes home with her for 2 days.  I tried to explain but it didn't seem to help.

He went with his mom for the weekend and came back last night.  Today he was having lunch with my wife and talked about how his step-dad told his mom that he agrees with the 'divorcement'.  She talked to him a little bit to clarify what he was saying.  She then asked him how he felt about it and he tried so hard to be strong and not cry, but told her he was sad because he wouldn't have a step-dad anymore.  there was some confusion because he said his step-dad agreed with it but that they were not actually getting a 'divorcement'.  

This led to him saying he didn't understand why me and his mom were not married anymore.  He said that we argued when we were married but that since we didn't argue anymore that we should be able to live together again and there shouldn't be a problem.  (My son was 2 when we split up)

He then went on to say that last night his mom was really sad and laid her head on the pillow and started crying.  He asked her what was wrong and she said that she just misses him so much when he leaves her.

My son is having trouble concentrating and following simple directions.  He's telling little lies about stupid stuff.  I'm frustrated because I don't know how to help him.  I have had 1/2 of the summer since my ex and I divorced.  Transitions have never been this tough on my son.  There have been emotional issues in the past, but this summer seems the worst.  He just seems completely insecure about everything.

I should add that my ex and I were in court earlier this year for a modification.  Also his mom just moved at the beginning of the month.  He doesn't seem to have any issues with her move, but he has only spent a handful of nights at their new apartment.  We are also moving, but my son 'seems' very excited about the upcoming move.  He loves the new house.  

Any ideas?  Is it possible he is just more aware of the custody situation because of his age and that he is just having trouble adjusting?  

I have joint legal custody.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with tis and am sorry that your son is distressed and confused right now.

All I can offer is an outsider's opinion based on what you have posted.  It seems there is some question as to whether his mom adn step dad are getting  a divorce.  I think that needs to be clarified for him first of all.

He may be hearing talk of divorce adn that may be casueing him distress becasue he doesn't know what his future in that house will look like.

Are you and your X on good enough terms to be able to discuss what you are seeing in your son while he is with you?  She may not be awar of how the situation at her home is affecting him.

I am sorry this is putting a damper on your summer with your littleone.  But you have it within your power to help him thru whatever may be bothering him.  That is bound to deepen your bond with him.

If you get no answers/resolutions after speaking with your X I would consider having the child see a counselor with the intention og helping him thru whatever adjustment he may be facing.