DH just got all the visitation he could possibly get. Labor day is his first visitaiton time he has with her following the new visitation agreement. She lives a 4 hour flight away. Does that seem too much for a 13 year old?
I need opinions. We rather have her here for cost and family reasons, but we also don't want to strain her too much.
Thanks
Absolutely not! DS started flying when he was 5 years old, and we're talking from Iowa to CA. Until he was 9, he had to fly non-stop, which required me to drive him 250 miles to Chicago (1000 RT driving for me), but after that, he changes planes just once. That's a 4 1/2 hour flight from Chicago to Sacramento.
ALL airlines have an Unaccompanied Minor (UAM) program developed from guidelines from the FAA. They are GOOD. I have NEVER worried about him flying alone....NEVER. They take too good care of him! When you check the child in at the gate, they get this button they MUST keep on (red and white striped, very noticeable) and you have a form to fill out. It includes your contact info and the contact info of whomever will be meeting the child at the other airport.
Also on that form will be a bunch of empty signature lines. Those are for any airline personnel to sign, whom the child's care has been entrusted. EVERY person whom the child is handed over to must sign and date it. UA children are first on and last off, because they are personally escorted.
At check-in, and because of new security procedures, you will also receive ONE pass to go beyond the security check-point with the child. Once the child is in the plane, they ask that you remain at the gate until the plane has taken off. In large facilities, this may mean you have to ask at the flight counter if the plane has left and they can call the tower to confirm. They require this just in case the plane must come back to the gate for whatever reason and they must de-plane.
At the receiving end, you MUST have a current photo ID and show it to the airline personnel who is handing over the child. If you don't have it, they will NOT hand over the child, no matter how loud the child hollers! My atty. told me that one dad left late, forgot his wallet, and didn't have his ID. They forced him to go back home and get it, taking an extra 1-2 hours, with the boy saying 'Daddy, Daddy!' You will also receive that signature form, to show all personnel who were responsible for the child.
They are also asking that kids have photo ID's, tho they understand that many kids don't. They have accepted DS's school ID, but I went and got him a state ID after that.
There is a fee for this service, too. Last I heard, it was $120 RT. This service is mandated for ALL UAM's from ages 5-12, with 5-8 flying non-stop. After 12, it is optional, so when DS flew out two years ago (at age 13), we saved the money and didn't get it. That was the summer his dad passed away while he was there, so I flew out to be with him and so that he didn't have to fly home alone. When we got to DIA, HE gave ME the grand tour, LOL!
DS is a very seasoned traveler, has enough frequent flyer miles for a free flight, which he will be using next summer to see his SM, half sister, and others of his dad's family. He would have gone this summer, but he had summer school to go to. If you have any other questions in regards to UAM's, feel free to PM me!
Thank you so much for your advice. SD has been flying here since she was 6. We are also saving the FF miles so that she can go on a trip when she is 18.
The part I am worried about is, is a 4 hour flight for a 3 day weekend too much for her? We have had her fly for a week for xmas and summer break but we always travel to her on the long weekends.
I'd say it's right on the edge -- which is why you're asking the question.
Try it -- see how it goes and THEN make your decision for the future weekends.
I agree with MB. You won't know, heck even SD won't know until you try it at least once. SHE will be the one to tell you whether it's okay or worth it to her. Just remember, kids are much more resilient then we give them credit for!
for EVERY other weekend visit. We pick up on friday night and theskids have a 2 1/2 hour ride. Thats not to long for a visit.
DH bought the tickets. It is just a wait and see thing right now. BM has really laying the PAS down the past few months (since DH was awarded proper visitation), but that's a topic for another post....
Well SD told Dh last night that she would run away or lock herself in her room if her tried to make her fly up. She said the flight would be too straining on her "little body". She also accused him of pulling her away from her family and friends.
He told her that children shouldn't be given the choice of when and where they spend time with their parents because it forces them to chose sides. She said that she chose her mom's side already.
SD is sooo messed up emotionally now. BM is PASing in full force now. SD went from having a great summer with us to thinking DH is a monster. Convinient that all of this happens when BM is going for more support. She is repeating things that are her mother's words.
The pickle is, in order to fight for her, he will have to sue the *ss off her mom. Everytime he does that , BM tells SD all about it (in her perspective ofcourse) and says how abusing DH is being to her and how he mustn't care about SD. The SD thinks he is a monster and it goes in cycles that way for the next over 1600 days (til she is 18).
DH is about to give up. He fought so hard to get to have more time with SD. Then BM PASes SD so bad she will not see him anymore. So now we are back at square 1 except now we paid legal bills and increase in CS.
What can we do??? Any help would be appreciated.
You mean she was just there for summer visitation??? If that's the case, I'd be asking her what drastically changed since then to make her feel the way she does, that it's never 'hurt her little body' in the past, that she's WILLINGLY come in the past, and why she thinks 'her family' with you (and extended) is not as important to her as her mother's.
You're getting down to the wire, so unless SD comes to the realization she's being played like a fiddle, the BM WILL deny visitation and you WILL have to file for contempt. But unless you want to COMPLETELY bow out of SD's life (which is exactly what BM wants), you better do it. REGARDLESS of what you do, it will have an effect on SD. What you need to decide is the severity and long term effects.
To walk away will have far-reaching and long term effects on her, you know that. To file contempt and take BM back to court AGAIN, will create essencially short term effects on SD that you can't avoid. BUT...even if it lasts a few months or years, in the end she will understand that you fought long and hard for her, regardless of the eventual outcome. She's only 13 and VERY impressionable. But eventually she will see thru her mother's lies. Keep reminding her of the good memories she's had with you. When she matures more and is able to form her own opinions and stand up for herself, she will know who fought the 'good' fight for her.
Well DH just got off the phone with CRAZY exwife. She had taken SD to the doctor because she was having signs of stress from having to come see us again. It is hard to beleive it is the visitation (she was so thrilled a month ago to be with us) and not the constant yelling and manipulating BM is now doing to her. She is so F'ed up.
Is this classic signs of PAS or what? I don't even know what to do for poor SD. It is just getting worse for her.
Would it be possible to take her out of her mom's clutches after 10 years and limited visitation? She is really putting a number on her.
She, ofcourse blames it all on DH. How is it his fault when she started getting this upset AFTER she went back to BM's?
AAAARGGGGHH!
Well, cute little 13 year old SD left a message on our answering machine. She said " I, I mean Mom just got the tickets you sent for visitation. This is rediculous, just rediculous." She continued her toungue lashing for a about 30 more seconds. The words and the thought patterns were not that of a 13 year old. I can just see her mom blowing off infront of her and telling her to leave us a message.
SD was so disrepectful. What do you guys think? She DH tell her that she is wrong to speak to him that way, or do you think that would push her even farther away so that he will never get a chance to show her what a good Dad he is?
This will not be a very good weekend. Full of turmoil. How do you guy handle a b*tchy teen? I need help. I have no kids of my own and really had no problems with SD until just recently.
Thanks
The day for her to come see you is getting close...
Right now, I'd bite my tongue until she steps off the plane and is on YOUR turf without her mother (in this case) standing behind her.
When DH hears his son being disrespectful on the phone to him, sometimes he calls him on it because Dad can hear mom telling son to say this or that. And of course, son says (o.k., yells) NO SHE'S NOT.
It's so obvious to us where it's all coming from.
Let her get there and then see where it goes.
Even if it's gonna be a "bitchy weekend" -- I think things will simmer down quite quickly once she gets away from her mother's clutches and remembers the good times from just recently.
Sd flew in last night. She seemed fine. Hugged me and DH, laughed, said she had a great flight. She even got bumped to first class. She sat next to a boy who was going to see his dad for the weekend too.
BM just called when SD was asleep. She said the SD was putting up a major fight at the airport and that she and SD were crying the whole time.
It is so odd how polar opposite SD is with her mom and us. Poor girl.
BM also told DH that she told SD that if she doesn't come up that he is going to "take her a** to court." I wish I had that on tape.
DH is going to have his talk with SD today about what is going on in her mind. Find out why she was so upset about coming and why she is ok now.
I am so sad for SD and wish there were something I can do.
I'm gald SD arrived safely, and how cool to get bumped up to 1st class and what luck to sit next to another child going to see his dad.
Soundsl like you will have a good weekend. Many time the other parent makes the kids feel bad about wanting to visit the other one. But usually once they arrive they are fine.
I know my ss's on Sundays when it's time to go back to mom get all crabby and strart fighitng, yss used to kick and cry getting into moms car, dad simply said he loved him and would see him soon. DH didn't want son to feel like he wasnt going to see them again etc. Its heart breaking but once they do the adjustment they are usually fine, funny thing is when dh picks up his kids they never kick and scream like when they return to moms. Hmmmm make syou wonder.
:)
**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**
Sorry -- I asked for it on the other board....
great to hear she showed up and I hope you all had a good weekend.
What Wendl said -- this past summer, MSD was getting all crabby about going to see her dad too. Boy was she a fun one to handle....
When she came back, she apologized to me saying "I just didn't want to go and leave my friends and took it out on you, but I did want to go see my dad." I made her go -- knowing what her priorities should be even if she was being a little witch.
Hang in there!
It was strange. DH gave me the lowdown on the conversation that he had with SD over breakfast. He asked her why she was so worked up about coming here. He also told her that her mom said that she was crying at the airport and he wanted to know why. She said that she was basically overreacting because her friend was having a birthday party that she wanted to go to.
We were trying to figure out how to tell her why he will never discuss the problems that he and BM are having. He used this analogy. " When you have 2 friends that are fighting and each one of them tells you about what the fight was about, do they tell you the same thing? Ofcourse not. It is in human nature to want the person in the middle to think that they were the good person in the fight and the other person is the bad person. If you beleive one person you might get mad at the other for no reason. That is why couselors and judges don't want children to be in the middle and to be talked to about adult problems. They might side with the parent that is telling them their side rather than figuring out that it may be biased. "
It went something like that. I wasn't there, but it sounded like SD understood.
She acted pretty normal the rest of the stay. We played cards and badmitton and joked and wrestled and all of the fun things that we do at our home together.
We have not talked to her since she called when she landed. She seemed ok. It was a real short conversation, just to check in.
Thanks for all of your advice and support.