Tragedy with SS......
DH's bm moved last year two hours away. In court in January, ss chose to remain with bm.
Since that time, we found out that the friends bm had him hanging with, which were 20 and 30 year old people - two had felonies, one arrested in february for this. The 26 year old guy was on drugs - all three of these people worked for bm and the district manager fired all three. We have been unable to find the felony record for one, but that is what she was fired for. The guy = we dont even know his real name.
Okay, ss also was kicked out of school for constant fights. We have a letter from one school official stating that bm said she had ss scheduled for a reconsideration of meds for his ADHD (which she didnt and he has not had) and the letter stated that bm would not reconsider counseling.
While on homebound, bm called the police one day because she didnt know where ss was. He was with some friends. BM went out of town to visit with her boyfriend after telling ss she was going on a business trip.
SS was placed in a school for juvenile delinquents. He was searched arriving at school and was in a class with two male teachers and only male students - many of whom had arrests already. SS was scared and behaved as he stayed close to the teachers.
SS told us a few weeks ago that his mom does not discipline him. That no matter what, she always says he is grounded and then an hour later tells him to go out and play - he thought it was funny.
Last wednesday, dh's ex called to say that ss had been badly burned. The past five days have been awful as ss has second degree burns on the front part of his body from the waist up. He goes in for skin grafts tomorrow, which they say is more painful than the burns. SS was at a friends home with no parental supervision - they are young teens. The girl that lived there put lighter fluid in a bowl and set it on fire, then kicked it. It swirled but didnt turn over. The other boy kicked it and it didnt flop over. It was ss' turn, but the other boy kicked it again like a football, sending it into ss. No one helped ss - he ran around until his shirt burned enough that he got it off. He begged for them to call 911, but they went after bm. She then ran to him and went back and got her car.......not calling 911 even though ss begged her to. The hospital she took him to could not handle him - and he waited for hours before he was transported to another hospital about 25 minutes away.
BM did call dh from the first hospital. We were waiting at the second hospital about an hour before ss was brought in. BM has been overall friendly, but has stated that ss cannot travel here as it is an 80 mile drive. The nurse present at the time said of course he could come, it would do him good.
BM has made it clear that she is in control and that when ss comes out of the hospital he will be staying with her mother for awhile. She has made it clear that she does not intend for ss to travel here on his weekends.
DH cannot be there every night for ss as he has to work. He has taken two days off and he has three days off on the weekends. BM has only left for up to 9 nine hours at a time. She has not returned to work.
The teens ss was with have come to visit and as they talked their lives are just like ss - no homework, they stay in ISS....
ss has had no limits at all. In the four months since court he is in an alternative school and is burned and hospitalized.
Dh wants to file for a change in custody. We are thinking of filing when ss gets out of the hospital.
Also, dh is responsible for 75% of the bills. We are broke. While it is worth any price to have ss well.........we know bm would try to avoid paying anything if ss had been with us - she would have blamed us and refused to pay.................bm has the money to pay half, yet the court order states 75% from years ago. We are thinking of checking into homeowners of the house he was at.....Believe me, we love all of our children and would pay any price for them, but reality is that my dh was in the hospital for two weeks last summer. He was out of work for six, unpaid.
There are other matters - ss having cigarettes, working at age 13 in a restaurant on school nights.....
Any general comments or pointed comments will be appreciated.
My heart goes out to all of your family. This has got to be soooo hard.
I think a change of circumstances are present. The BM is not excercising her Custodial responsibilities.
This boy needs guidance, someone who will be there for him. Apparently, she has other things going on...
Dipper:
Read your post again and then ask yourself why would I wait until he is out of the hospital?? GET HIM OUT OF THERE!
There is obvious lack of supervison and I know you have proof of everything else that has been going on. Make sure you speak with the doctor about him being ok to travel and get it put in a letter or a report so when she denies you your visitation due to that very circumstance you have proof that it was a lie.
Slow and steady gets there first remember. I have just recently went through a tramatic experience stemming from the weekend, the police assisted in returning the children to me last night after false charges were thrown out. I kept my cool and let them hang themselves.
Your SS needs your help, get him out!!!
I will pray for your family and to heal your SS. I am glad he is ok.
is not going to change a child that has already patterned his lifestyle. He would disrupt your lives to an extent that would be life changing.
Glad you were the one who thought of it!
That's right, leave this child without Parental guidance. Should do wonders....
Hanging out with adults, 20-30 years old, good influence there too
"Children learn what they live"
SS surgery went well today. It was late when he came out, so no one saw the doctor. They did graft skin on the hand, arm, chest, tummy, and several fingers. They were supposed to remove skin from the right hand, but didnt - we dont know why. He had to be given two units of blood.
SS had told his dad this morning that bm was talking to someone about him not being able to go out of her county....so I am going to investigate about burn victims traveling so that dh has something to go go the doc with....
We do have the way to get proof about one of the 30 year old felons -the other, we cant find where the felon record is....we just know she was fired for lying on her application about it......The druggie - we dont even know his last name, so I dont know how we could get proof about why he lost his job.
DH and bm had been to court on January 25....and in three months ss is a juvenile delinquent and burn victim. Its simply unreal to believe the decline in this child's quality of life- which I think should be a reason to ask for a change in custody...
Glad he is doing okay.
Any chance of getting a license plate on this person? And then you could have someone run the plate or have a PI do it. It would get you a name to work with. Then check other counties.
Quick suggestion, Dh and you both need to find someone to give you a crash course in burn wound care and treatment. The greatest risk to burn victims is infection. Knowing proper care and treatment is VITAL to the victims recovery. IF you have training and documentation of the training it will greatly offset any objections BM may have.
Many hospitals have support groups for families of burn victims, if the hospital he is at does, get involved, if it doesn't check around and see if there is one somewhere close enough that you both can participate in.
Knowledge is power, and if you and DH are able to show that you have obtained the knowledge to care for the child it will put you at an advantage.
Good Luck and keeping your SS in our prayers.
TM
Dh went to spend the night with ss at the hospital. BM pulled dh aside and told him that her mother talked with the doc today and that the doc said that ss cannot travel for quite some time. Well, of course he can travel far enough to go to her mothers...but not to come here.
DH was of course upset about this and bm told him to get off his high horse and think about their son for once.....as if he ever thinks of anything but......She had said from day one that ss was not coming to our house and now she made it a reality!!
I have been trying to find out if there is any general rule about traveling and time limits, but cannot find anything online.
It is so depressing....ss gets out over the weekend and we will barely get to see him for months now.
Dipper,
I'm really sorry to hear about your ss, I have been reading your pst for a while and feel for the situation you and dh are in.
You mentioned concerns about medical cost so I would like to suggest you locate a Shriners Burn center, see what you need to do to get ss seen. Shriners does not charge for their services. If they are able to get the insurance to cover any of it, then you don't have to pay the deductables and such. It is worth checking into.
Next, I know you all are upset but I need to play devils advocate for a minute. I understand the thought of DH not seeing his son for a while is heart breaking but sometimes things happen and we have to make changes and deal with it. My ex had to go over two months without having DD to his home on two different occasions after her major surgeries. He never complained, I took off unpaid and took care of her and he called and checked on her regularly, came over to visit, or picked her up for the day then brought her back home.
It is in the best interest of the child not to be fought over right now. It is in the best interest of the child not to be moved a lot and to get plenty of rest and allow his body and his mind to heal. A burn injury will be with him for the rest of his life both physically and mentally. This is the time he needs to see his parents working together for him!! Screw all her 20 yo friends, that is not the issue right now, ss and his health are the number one priority over Everything else.
If the doctors are recommending he not travel much right now, then let it go. Don't make him travel. Go spend a weekend in a hotel near grandmas house. Either a short trip to the hotel so that he is not traveling to much, or suck it up and go visit him at grandmas during the day. Again, this is not about anyone else but ss.
My sympathy to all of you, good luck with everything and keep us informed.
KB
your Issue is different than mine , of course my psycho tried to say when My son was sick he was not too come over , And secondly She tried to trick the doctor into a not saying my son was sick etc . and should not travel ,SOOO
My atty said "tell her to give me the medication and the instructions and my son ", Or He will file contempt , I told her and, she gave me my son ,I also contacted the doctor to give me a letter about other medical issues , Foolishly the mother tried to write letters through her atty that said I had taken him too the snow when he was sick and blah blah , And I again got the medical report . Doctors won't even want to get involved , But In my case they gave me medical reports etc , just ask very nice and don't start in about a custody issue or any thing , Just ask for the mediacl report . Again My atty said " Ask very nicely for the report " And if they balk just say " , Short of a court order saying I can't have the report ,I have a parental right to have the report "then let them answer , And then say "My atty said he could write you a letter explianing it if you think you should not give me the info , So the Doctors Secretary said " ok sign the release of information form and we will give it to you " Secondly My atty said don't get upset if they don't give it too you right away , They may have to ask some one else "
As My atty pointed out there were no restrictions in the medical file , SOOO This boils down to if you have a parenting plan filed with the court , And she doesn't go by it file contempt .
AND The home owners insurance should pay for accidents or damages that occur at the house this happened at ,
I have rental properties , And you better believe I have fire and accident insurance , And I would be getting the address of the property and going to the county tax assessors office or the county clerk ,Or court ,and finding out who owns the property , And file a claim , for damages at that property , I am certain that if one of my renters was burned From accidental fire I would cooperate with an insurance claim , And You need to talk to the insurance agent not the home owner the claim is not to the home owner , it is to the insurance company , I would call a couple insurance companies , IE your own and ask the agents what they think , I could be wrong, but then why was it an important part of my policy to get accident insurance . And I believe I am insured for damages created on the propert by the renter ,
AND If there is a mortgage on the property , You better bet your bottom dollar there is insurance for fire and personal injury , Banks and lenders will make you do this or they will select an Insurance carrier , If you don't have insurance I believe they call the loan due , Think of it .
The bank is not going to wind up with bad loan because of fire or persanal injury , And the home owner gets sued and goes bankrupt ?
NOT !!, The bank or lender protects there position !!! It would be very odd that the Home owner or landlord would not have insurance ! , The insurance company May then have some recourse to person that created the damage or injury , Call some insurance agents and start asking . I would not just pay This . Oh Yeah , I am reasonably certain Insurance coveres negligence ,
Dipper, I STRONGLY recommend that your DH talk to the attending physician in charge of his son's case and PRIVATELY, before your SS gets discharged. He does have that right. It appears to me that the BM will say whatever it takes to get what she wants, even if it means lying out her wazoo to get it.
I will tell you one thing. Our healthcare facility has a major trauma and burn center. If your SS is getting out this weekend already, his injuries cannot be so severe as to severely limit his travel. Sure, there are precautions to take and the main one is making sure he doesn't get some infection. But if the precautions can be taken at the BM's or her mother's, they can be done at your home, too.
Also, your DH needs to impress upon the doctor (especially since it's a proven fact) the absolute need for someone with this kind of injury to have as much positive reinforcement as possible to help the mental and physical healing process. And this canNOT be differentiated between parents. This child needs BOTH parents more now than at any other time of his life. If it were me, I would be fighting tooth and nail over it. Even to the point of filing contempt charges against the BM, if need be.
DH missed the doc today. He went down for coffee and returned and it was already too late. They did remove ss' surgery bandages and staples today and said things look really good..... DH said it actually looks worse than before - but the skin grafts took.
We are planning on turning in one of the 'rescripted' form letters concerning medical information with special emphasis on all instructions that are given to bm upon ss' release. We also note in there that if there are special restrictions as to ss' travel, we would like that in writing. In fact, I have typed up letters concerning this - the doc can say no -and why......or can say yes. We have a van that allows three positions - sitting, inclining, or flat out laying down. SS would be here for three days and two nights and dh is willing to do all the transporting until he is able to sit upright in a car for longer periods.
Also, we have decided that if he is restricted, if at all possible, we will rent a hotel room near the bm's or grandma's and spend time with ss.
The reason this is such a touchy issue is that bm was the one who said ss could not come here within two days of the accident. The physical therapist stated that he could, it would be good for him. Well, bm has been getting meaner as time has moved on...and then her mother talked with the doctor and he said no traveling. These women can have honey dripping from their mouths while stabbing you in the back....that is why we want reasons from the doctor.....and we want him to think we will verify it with another professional - so he best not be catering to bm and her mother's wishes (or lies)....
Thank you!!!
gipsy - thank you for the advice on the homeowner's.....we were going to send out a simple letter advising that insurance covers this and asking for the name of the insurance company. We do know the address. I had not thought of going to the clerk's office and researching, but now I know that is an option.
SS skin grafts took! he had over 250 staples in him until today. I am wondering about reconstructive surgery in the future as a portion of the graft was to his chest. DH said he actually looks worse than before, but now there is good skin there that can begin to heal.
They are saying now that he will probably be released Monday or Tuesday, so about 12-13 days total stay in the hospital.
We have never dealt with this before, so it may be standard for the restriction on traveling. However, with bm and her mother we cannot trust they didnt tell some tall lies to get there way with the doc.
We are requesting something in writing from the doc - actually I had typed up short letters - one of restriction and the other allowing ss to visit......for the doc to sign......
One thing I am learning - we have rights too. They can only push us to the side (without repercussions) if we allow that to happen...
Thank you..
"Children learn what they live"
Has the doctor told YOU that he recommends no travel, or just ALLEGEDLY to g'ma? (If you have not heard it yourself, I would not take it as true, especially with BM's proclivitiy to fabricate information.)
OK Insurance 101 is in session.
The kind of claim you are making is a claim against the homeowner's liability coverage. Renter's usually have personal liability on their policy if they carry renter's insurance, as well. Most personal liability policys have a $1 million limit. You are looking to prove that the individuals involved had some negligence in their actions which caused injury or finacial harm, and they are likely to be found LIABLE in a court for those actions. An insurance company makes a settlement offer based on the probability that their insured (who they have a duty to defend) will likely be found liabile and thus they want to settle it before it becomes MORE EXPENSIVE with court costs and court awards.
A landlord's policy generally has a minimum limit of $500,000 but usually $1 million in most states. Even though a landlord rents to an individual, they are not responsible except if for some reason someone is injured on the property due to something the landlord had control over. Not the case here, BUT the insurance company will likely kick some money loose to see this go away ($15-20,000 is likely), as it will cost $25K to start to defend.
With a homeowner though , the PERSONAL LIABILITY coverage blankets most occurrences EXCEPT INTENDED crimes or actions. This "occurrence," while it was intended by the child to kick the bowl, it is likely he did not intend to injure your SS in doing so. You should be hitting the Insurance of both the child who did the action and the insurance of the homeowner if they are two different things.
The insurance companies will demand the CP be the one who must authorize or intitiate the claims for the minor child, however once an attorney is involved, they aren't worried about who is the CP. The child will need his own lawyer, as a court will not allow a settlement on this severity of injury to be authorized without one. If you have joint legal, go see about retaining an attorney for your child for this matter.
BM was fibbing.....I had typed out letters for the doctor - one stating that ss was able to travel the 80 miles. Another stating that he could not and requesting the doctor to list the reasons for this decision. Well, the doctor mailed wrote - "NO restrictions on travel" signed and mailed it to us......she was busted. This woman is unreal.
Thank you for the information on insurance. I printed this out. We did write and request the info - got no reply, but the families of the other children keep visiting with bm - they are all best buds now. Of course, she is living/laughing it up. After all, she thinks dh is going to have to pay the majority of it.
What I am wondering is- if we write and request her assistance in obtaining this info, as well as requesting that she file through medicaid to have this hospital bill paid for - and she will do neither, will the judge be as strict enforcing this 75% payment of my dh's.....
I think it may do my dh well to visit with a lawyer to see if there is a case here for more than just hospital bills....
Thought I had replied to this earlier, but dont see it now....
SS is doing well. His skin is healing and he is getting around. He was with us last weekend and will be here again tomorrow. BM's assertion that the doc said he could not travel for atleast a month proved to be untrue as the doc wrote NO restrictions on travel and signed the letter that we left for him.
Court is still iffy. I just feel ss will tell the judge that he really wants to live with bm. I know it was an accident - but these kids caught him on fire, and bm has them and their families over constantly now - they are all best buddies, though the parents didnt spend any time together before.
DH requested insurance info. from the other family - they ignored it. SS told dh that he heard the mothers of the other two children telling bm that if she needed help with the bills, they would be glad to help out. Of course, she is responsible for very little of it.
BM would not buy bandages for ss' legs because ins. would not cover it up front and she called them and was scared dh would get the reimbursement check because he pays the premiums.
BM did not send one of ss' painkillers this weekend, telling ss they cost too much. He did well though - his others were every four hours and he only took four all weekend.
We try to think of it as if ss lived with us, we would expect to pay the bills anyway - but the fact is, we dont have it. DH was in the hospital for 13 days last year, I finally found a job, but it doesnt pay much.....bm owes dh $2800 for a joint bankruptcy he paid, and my ex is not paying any child support at all.
Also, this happened out of neglect. The three children involved all get in trouble at school. There is no discipline at home. These are the two children ss was with when bm called the police because she didnt know where he was. SS needs counseling and bm refuses. It just seems wrong that we have to juggle more because of her slack parenting....
for a parent to file they have 2 to 3 years (depending on state). For the child to file, they have that amount of time after they have reached their majority to file it in court (this is an insurance company's worst nightmare, as the "alleged" scars are real scars by then and the emotional trauma is real, not just assumed.)
If you cannot find out what the other parents insurance is, you can also file a small claims suit against them. Or even contact your homeowner insurance to see if they can help.
I am glad to hear ss is getting better, how scary.
**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**
We did a little online searching under court cases and have found that this family has been in civil court from 2003-2004 for unpaid bills. There must have been some type of injury/illness involving the mother - they owe $20000 in medical bills which they have not paid any part of.
We are considering fighting this as negligence on the mother's part as well - playing with fires at their ages is not typical......the counseling we had ss involved in may have helped avoid this, also, the school problems - she lied to school officials about having ss reevaluated for meds for his adhd - one counselor had said he may need meds to curve his impulsiveness..........these meds may have saved him a lot of pain as he could have thought before just acting.........and these are the kids he was with when bm couldnt find him and called the police........these children are trouble makers in school ---- these are not good for ss.........and.....bm had told oss three days earlier that yss was in big trouble and was grounded - no playing, no phone, nothing for a long time. He was outside playing unsupervised when the accident happened....had he been grounded truly...
But, that is just it, he has no discipline what so ever.....It's do as you please, just choose to stay with me at all costs with the bm.....