I am moving approximately 2 hours from my son's dad. My son primarily lives with him, because I think it's best for him. I chose to move out of our home, so that my son could stay in the only home that he's ever known, around his friends, etc. My ex husband also has a HUGE loving family for my son, which I also think is best. I am alone in this state, with my fiance and absolutely no other family.
My fiance has a wonderful job, that he loves, but he is commuting way too far. He commutes about 1 1/2 hrs one way, and he works ALOT. I really love the area that we are moving too....very nice, close to everything, etc. The ONLY thing (and well, the most important reservation I have) is that I will now be almost 2 hrs from my son. My fiance and I understand that this move is best for us, but we will have to travel alot to see my little boy. I am a very involved mom...I go to all school functions, etc. It breaks my heart to let him live with his dad, but I know that is best for him, not for me though. I'm sure alot of you on this board can relate to doing what's best for your child, when it isn't best for you. I miss him every day.
How do you deal with the commute to see your kids? Once a week? More? Is it hard? I would like to have my son 2-3 days each week PLUS school functions, parties, etc. I know the drive will be difficult, but well worth it to see my little guy.
I guess my question is how do you do it? Is it difficult? How often do you see your kdis?
Thank you so much for your input....it is SO SO hard to do what is right for your child, new man in your life, etc. and keep everyone (including me) sane and happy.
Thanks alot
CAthryn
My SS lives an hour and a half from us. We currently have "normal" visitation (every other weekend, holidays, and so forth). We are not able to make many if any school functions (mostly because we are not informed of the functions and if we are there is one to days notice and we have to take off work early to make it).
My husband has joint custody of SS with BM residental custody. We are currently in a custody battle for full custody since my SS has failed school two years in a row without involving my husband, although he has tried.
As long as the father in forms you of functions then it is possible! Our biggest down fall is not knowing when the functions are and both of us work. If my husband doesn't work or if he leaves early he does not get paid so it is difficult to take to much time and still be able to afford our household and child support for SS.
Good luck!
Many schools now have websites where they post calendar of events. If they don't, you can at least contact the teacher and ask that a calendar be sent to you. SS's school sends out monthly calendars, along with menu calendars and notes from the principal. Send them some postage-paid envelopes and they won't have any reason to tell you no!
If you are willing to make the drive in bith directions that can help. Here's my story...
BM and her husband moved 90 miles away. The halfway point that was originally decided became to far for BM. The court ruled we drive on Friday, they drive on Sunday. 1-2 hours wouldn't have been a problem, but factor in LIE traffic all the time and it would take us literally a minimum 6-9 hours round trip, yeesh! School plays, parent teacher conferences, etc. became impossible. It truely put a damper on the whole weekend and put a rift in the father/son/daughter relationship.
We could no longer leave work at 1:00PM every other Friday to get to the kids and the court reversed the pick-up to BM on Friday and DH on Sunday.
BM got tired of driving and started filing false charges with the police, saying she's afraid to drop the kids off, PASing the children so they would want to come, lieing to say their too sick to be in the long car ride, soon her husband had to work late only every other Friday, she got pregnant and couldn't sit for that long, she is now trying to have my husband's joint custody taken away so he can only have supervised visits that we must drive too and now we are embroiled in our own custody battle.
We make sure to introduce ourselves to all the teachers and make sure they send us a calendar. We send 5 self-addressed stamp envelopes to each teacher at the beginning of the school year and ask her to send us report cards, etc. But be aware they are busy and can not keep you informed of everything.
My husband took off work to drive 3 hours to SD field day last year, only to be informed it was cancelled when we got their. Of course BM knew the night before. Rather than go home, he decided to wait around and take SD to lunch, big mistake, they had to inform BM and another war broke lose.
Good luck!
Since you obviously are a great mother, who puts her child's best interest before your own (KUDDO'S TO YOU!) and by doing so, you also must have a good working relationship with your childs dad, which is GREAT! I would just express exactly what you put in here to the dad. Explain that this move is what needs to be done for blah, blah reasons, but you don't want to change how much you see your son. He likely will understand and keep you informed, and since you are already involved in school activities, the other parents and school officials can also help keep you notified.
It will be a "pain" to do that driving, but well worth it in the end. My son's dad does the same thing, and considering our son was 2 when we divorced and is now almost 16, and he has ZERO problems in life...the situation worked just fine. I of course, as CP, have always let dad see son whenever requested, above and beyond the one and only order made way back in 1991. This has worked for the best interest of everyone, since it has helped keep this child in a normal, stable, and loving situation with both families.
So Cathryn, just call him often, lots of hugs and kisses, keep up with school and sports, see him as often as possible, even if it is just going to take him out to eat. You can do it...and he will turn out to be a well loved, well rounded, and mentally healthy child because of it!!!
My husband used to have his kids everyweekend but one, him and his ex would meet at a 1/2 way point to exchange the kids....
Dh also got every other long weekend, school breaks holidays etc.
Also with the school, you can send them pre-adressees stamped envelopes to the teachers so they can mail you report cards etc
Also many teachers have email which helps too.
:)
**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**
Here's how it worked for us-
We had joint custody until my ex moved. I am NCM, he is CF.
While he only moved about 40 mins away, it made the schools our
children attended into another district. Driving to our oldest daughter's
school is a little over an hour away from my home. Even though our custody agreement said that I was to be with them every day after school and every other weekend, once the move happened my ex
decided I was only allowed to see them every Wed. after school and every other weekend. I was miserable, the kids were miserable--the only ones happy were my ex and his new wife.
It took a year of mediation (didn't work), filings and finally a court date, but our oldest daughter finally went in and said that she wanted to see both of us equally. Since my ex wouldn't budge on the driving I said that I would do all of it. Here's what we worked out-
First week of the month I pick the kids up after school on Wednesday, and take them to school Thurs and Fri while they live with us. Second week of the month I pick the kids up on Thurs after school, and they stay with us throughout the weekend and ex picks them up from here on Sunday night.
Is it a lot of driving? Oh yeah! But, our kids know that I think they're worth the effort. My husband has gotten in on it too, lol, and this 34 yr old man that has no kids of his own is now "The Step-Dad taxi service" on Fridays. We've had to sacrifice my hours at work, but in the long run the time spent now being able to be in contact with the kids teachers, being there for the oldest's marching band stuff (I'm now a band booster mom), and the long drives with long talks---it's all so worth it.
Hope your kids get to see both of you more equally.
I am the NCP to my 16yo son. He moved in with his dad when he was 11 and lives an hour from me. I am remarried - his father is not.
My ex and I have a very good relationship. We have never fought about visitation or how to handle kid situations (we have a 23 yo son who currently lives with me and my DH). I am diligent about two things: driving both ways and paying child support. I am convinced this has contributed greatly to getting along with ex!
My child support order gives me a credit whenever my son stays with me for a week or longer.
Some of the best talks my son and I have ever had were in the car. However, since he turned 15, it has been more difficult to get him to stay at my house. He has joined a sports team, has a large crowd of friends, a girlfriend, and doesn't know anyone in my area.
However, I make the drive to every school function I can, go to his games, and take him out to dinner frequently. Yes, it is very difficult some days to face the long drive, but I know he is thrilled when I show up, he always makes time for me, and we are very close inspite of the distance!
Alot of the situation will depend on your relationship with your child's father. The custodial parent can influence your relationship with your child ALOT.
Can you please tell me the exact wording of your child support that gives you credit when your child stays with for a week or longer?
Much appreciated.
It was a long time ago, and it was something that my ex and I agreed to in mediation. (We are in Minnesota, which requires mediation.)
It basically stated that whenever my son stayed with me for seven consecutive days, I would be given a credit of one week's child support, to be deducted from the next payment due. The amount was determined as follows: bi-weekly amount times 26 pay periods (to determine annual amount) and then divided by 52 weeks. My ex is VERY sensitive about money!
At the time, my ex and I made close to the same amount of salary, but MN law states that NCP must pay 25% of net income as child support to custodial parent (for one child). So, I felt it only fair to get a credit when he stayed with me for a week or more. We had a wonderful mediator, and he helped my ex to see the fairness in this!
Thank you.
You are very lucky!
Oh boy,
your story sounds alot like mine. although i do not get along with my ex. and yes, that was one of the hardest and most unselfish (not to mention looked down upon by othersx( ) thing i had ever done was to let my children stay with their father because that was what was best for them at that time.
I am never informed of anything and i have to do alot of searching and calling to find any information about my daughter.
yes, the drive is long, the traffic sucks and if you travel the turnpike, it can get expensive... But... one thing I NEVER thought of myself and was told of just last week... we (as parents) do the driving maybe every other weekend or so, but the CHILD ALWAYS does the rides back and forth. that made me think about things a little differently.
good luck to you and yours... :D
Ladybug3
Thank you for the input....but (there is alway a but) I have gotten information on the school website but they do not keep it up to date and never have the assignments posted as it indicates on the site. For instance when I went on this week the last update was the last day of school in May.
Come to find out BM father-in-law is friends with the principal at my SS school. I found this very interesting considering the principal has never contacted us when we have contacted him. I don't know if either of these elements have anything to do with the other but it seems a bit fishy.