Hi
My first time here.
Basically we have spent the last year trying to make my husbands ex feel as involved in the kids life on our time to increase contact of both parents on each others time. My husband..and I truly believed that the more contact the kids have with both homes and both parents and step sibling the better. I am convinced this is still so.
The father has given the mother the childrens activities, schedules and locations and welcomed to come by and watch, be introduced and have a little extra contact, when they are on his time. We encourage any type of phone call from their extended family...the mother's grandparents, family step siblings.....welcome to call. Aunts uncles cousins step siblings...call any time. Other step siblings are invited to go on beach trips, overnights birthday parties etc. These invites have never been accepted.
This is absolutely not recipricated. In addition, we are regularly taken to court to take time away from the father. As far as she is concerned this family does not exist. She resents any bonding that occurrs with the father, step mom and siblings.
We just went through four mediation meetings and it was her way or no way. If she wasn't comfortable, it wasn't going to happen. No big surprise but we are headed into the gut wrenching adventure of family court.
The children are currently 10 and 7 years old. Parents have been seperated since they were 6months and 3 years old. For the last three years the father has the kids on his days off. it is a rotating schedule as he is Police. When the father does have weekends off she gets the kids for one of his weekends. For the last two years and through mediation he has simply asked for and has tried to negociate trading those two days instead of just taking them from him. She absolutely refuses.
Today in mediation she claimed that the children were afraid of him and the girl felt second rate in his home. This is the same woman that consistenly lies to the kids about their father. The mother told her second grade daughter that he shoved her. She fabricates malicious lies about the father and yet
has a fit when it is recommended that the boy sees a school counselor. We were fine with it. She thought it detrimental to him. When the mediator suggeted today that we have the kids come in to talk to her about what they would want out of visitation.. The mother was not ok with that.
We have worked and prayed for over two years now that she would settle down, that she would see this totally messes with the kids and that these kids need their father as much as their mother.
We need a fabulous attorney from san diego
We want to continue to battle for the peace of these beautiful children and disregard our need to win or satisfy our egos.
We want to secure for these kids their right to live without a constant battleground.
We may want to try to attain primary custodianship to help assure these things.
We want 50/50 visitation regardless of the rotation of the schedule. A 5-2 schedule.
We want to remain sane in the meantime.
I am discovering a whole world of people in our same shoes.
Any advice?
Please?
I just went into a career change and my ex will not work with me at any degree.
I am speaking with my attorney Monday about an emergency hearing in regard to having our son on my days off. Should not be too hard, ex does not work and our son is not in school.
All I want is our son on my days off.
I also get the same "alienating behavior" going on.
You are seeing PAS. Here are a few sites which might help you.
http://www.helpstoppas.com/
http://www.rgardner.com/refs/
"Children learn what they live"
Kim Marie Staron
I highly recommend her. We ended up not being able to use her since our case was moved out of San Diego, but before that happened, we were very pleased, and we had gotten her name from some one on this board who won custody. I know there is an additional poster who was very pleased with her also, though I don't recall any details of that case.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.
We will be meeting with an attorney tomorrow to find out more about custody and time. It is difficult to always look at what is in the best interest for the kids. The pros and cons are constantly weighed.
I would be extremely surprised if there was a problem with having kids on your days off. I am sure you have a current order that stipulates visitation.
let me know how it goes.
Thanks
for your input and keep in touch
Thank you so much for the reference!!!!
I will keep you posted.
Thank you for taking the time to read through the scenario and respond:)
Welcome!
Yes, there is a whole world of people standing in your same shoes.
I think your husband put his story on another website that I look at... is this him? http://www.custodyiq.com/04052005b.html
It sounded familiar to me with the police officer thing and the mediation story.
If that's you, I agree with most of the answer on that page.
You probably already learned that some people just don't respond in a normal manner to niceness. You should always be civil to the mother, but it isn't worth it making many gestures. She doesn't care, and it won't help anything.
It's probably at least worth it to talk with an attorney in your area to see how they feel your chances are to change things.
DD
yes that was him......:)
We did appreciate the frank forwardness of the response today as well.
It's almost like you have to train your brain to respond differently. It will always be a struggle, but I am truly learning that not everyone can see things in an objective manner.
Your words....You should try to be civil but the gestures are unnecessary and unappreciated...
Different voices... and a lot of help:)
Thanks
Again
Keep in touch
We showed our file to a veteran attorney today. I was prepared to counter his selling points with arguements sure to follow from the other camp.
We went in cautious.
The attorney pretty much said that the courts are definitely going towards 50/50 custody regardless of how the time is spent with the kids. Two stable households, half siblings here, history of involved father and everything between household can be compared and measured as the same ie disipline, level of care, school grades maintained and activities, then there really isn't a reason why the father should not have a right to his child half of the time.
Well what about the argument that the stepmother will be putting kids to bed?
Right of refusal is 24 hours that the court would sustain best interest of the child. Jealousy is not a credible counter to best interest argument...kids need time with father.
But technically it is time not with the father but other members of the family as he is at work.
There has to be substantial evidence of neglect for that argument to hold ground. People are at work and they leave the child in daycare rather than a parent. Mothers and fathers have grandparents put kids to bed a couple times a week for continuing education school or softball games or bible study classes. This goes back to helping the kids establish solid and consistant ground in their own lives and this protects the best interest of the child.
She will argue that the kids are too afraid to tell their Dad that they don't want more time at his house.
Classic Manipulation and as soon as parties begin these type of statements credibility is severely damaged. It becomes questionable whether the parent may even be capable of excersizing the responsibility of primary custodial parent as protecting the best interest of the child. Without circumstances that gravely effect the ability to parent, it is assumed that the best interest of the child is to have 50/50 custody.
That was it in a nutshell and we did use points that were suggested from this forum as well including the father shirking responsibilty and gaining new time from Custody IQ.
If all we do get from this is kids on the days off, we win not to mention cleaning up the orders so as to relieve the posibility of argument from her.
We will keep you all posted.
Please be sure to forward thoughts and ideas as this has already proven to be a big help.
Many Thanks
th1hrt
False allegations never end. Everyone is wrong, but BM.
I am in school for the next 5 weeks and have been almost completely cut off from visitation. Brought it before the Judge, she did not give a damn. What a joke. "We will hold a conference in June." Like, that helps me now.
That is all I want, for the moment, on my days off. No reason not to.
What was Custody IQ's advice, I did not see that post.
"Children learn what they live"
I haven't seen all your posts that would give me an idea of you are facing.
Do you not hve a court order visitation? How long have you been in a custody issue with your child? It doesn't sound as if you have a parenting plan that enables you some type of consistant visitation.
my husband put a post up at custodyIQ.com.
Our Question was posted on April 5th.
Good Luck and we will keep you posted.
Here is your fabulous atty (in Encinitas)
Alan Edmunds
I got 50/50 last year and it is a fact that here in San Diego we are most fortunate 50/50 is becoming the DEFAULT in cases of two very capable, responsible parents. Let's hope other parts of the country can progress to that level sooner than later..
The ONLY way you can trip yourself up is to focus on the negatives of the mother. You need to concentrate only on the positives of the father..everything else will take care of itself. DO NOT get caught in Mom's trap of distracting you with the petty b.s. - that is the only hope she has and if engage...you won't like the result.
If you use Alan-and can demonstrate your hubby is a great Dad....this will be a slam dunk. I said demonstrate-not just talk the talk but walk the walk (detailed logs of his participating with the kids, sacrifices he has made, etc. etc.)
go get 'em and let me tell ya 50/50 is a beautiful thing................
Thanks for the info
What great and inspiring news. I will give Alan a call on Monday and let you know how this all goes.
Thanks also on the heads up on detailed logs. I am going to assume that that is basically a journal that records on a daily basis how he may drive kids to school, do a sit and read with his daughters class, offer to drive on field trips in both classes, takes the kids to their roller hockey and guitar classes. These seem pretty general though. Is there any other info you can give us as a heads up for these logs that you recommend?
Any advice is appreciated
Thanks for sharing:)
Immediately download and use on a daily basis the time tracker log from Sparc website. It's easy to use and makes an impact with family court services who will be making a recommendation on parenting plan to the court. I guarantee you will get the 50/50 IF:
a. Dad can demonstrate his time, energy, love, and responsibility as
a very capable parent.
b. Dad lives within a 2-3 min drive to Mom's house (this is key)
c. Dad brings a photo album to the FCS mtg. full of great pics/memories
d. When FCS asks Dad if Mom is a good parent, "yes, no concerns"
e. 3-6 months of detailed logs are submitted to the court
f. Dad can address how his plan for child care when he is working
Also, be prepared with three 50/50 parenting plans to review with the FCS counselor during your meeting (do not disclose these before the mtg). One of these should be slightly favorable to the Mom. Then it's a win-win and here's why:
1. If she accepts one of the three plans, you've got your 50/50.
2. If she rejects all three, FCS will ask for her recommended plans.
3. She won't have any- she'll stick her heels in the mud and insist on 70/30 or whatever.
4. And it will all come across as her unwillingness to find a solution
and your good faith efforts to work it out.
5. FCS won't like the "attitude" which is what they are really looking for.
The "selfishness" of the Mommy will help ensure a 50/50 recommend.
Photo's of the activities Dad has participated in with the kids is a good "verification" and not as dry as just a log.
A copy of the roller hockey and guitar lesson schedule (shows he has the schedule at a minimum and negates possible arguements by mom that he knows nothing about these things) If the coaches/teachers are willing ask for a letter stating Dads involvement in these activities.
Our school district has a form that parents complete to be drivers for field trips. If your district has those get a copy of the ones done to show Dads interest at a minimum.
Without asking teacher to take sides, ask teacher if (s)he would be willing to write a letter about Dads involvement in the classroom activities.
When you approach the teachers and coaches for the letters, make sure you let them know you are not asking them to take sides, that you are not asking them to say who is a better parent, that it is just to confirm Dads involvement.
In fact, with a particular teacher I was having problems getting information I needed from, I suggested a letter supporting BOTH parents involvement. I got it :-) The letter was very short but effective "The parents, Mom and Dad, of Junior Student have both participated in several classroom activities this year. The involvement of both Mom and Dad have benefited Junior Student and the rest of my class."
Good Luck
TM
Thank You so much!!!
These are great ideas and very doable!!!!!
We may have some problems with the teachers but we do have the field trip forms for the last couple of years. We are the ones that actually registered for the hockey and bought and paid for the gear. We also are the ones that take the boys to guitar and paid for guitar and learning supplies. We have his daughter in a baton class that she loves and take care of all of that as well.
Thank you again for taking the time for sharing such great information....
And to all out there
It is so appreciated!!!
I am in the same boat as your DH. Have training right now and that is what she is using against me. I am losing a great deal of time with our son. We have a Court Order that she does not follow. She reads it as what is best for her. If I am 5 minutes late, I lose my time, real nice...
I read your post at Custody IQ. Sounds like more time is not in the cards. My ex won't ALLOW anyone to pick up in my place or care for our child if the need arises. Okay her family and friends have options, just not mine. Can not wait for the day when things "come around"
Please let me know how you make out, and I will do the same. We have an identical problem. But if we do not work, we can not pay child support, catch 22 no matter what....
I have thought about sitting on my butt, lose everything, just for more time. Hell, she is doing it.
We should know more in the next couple of weeks and will let you know.
We will defintely though get at least more time. By simply asking the court that we get them on all of the days off will simplify a pretty complex arrrangement. Also by adding one weekend a month that will increase the visitation by at the least 2-4 weeks. We may also make arrangemenents for acting detective and go regular hours. That would be ample reason for modification.
Stay positive, there is no reason children should not have their Fathers involved in their lives!!!! They need you even more as they get older, both girls and then especially boys!!!
We will keep you posted!!