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Thanks for the info Troubledmom.

We have actually been talking to DD's Dr. about this for a while now. A new update after talking to DD tonight. Her dad will be home in time to take her to the appointment so I'm not allowed to go now. Like I said before I work maybe 10 miles from Shriners so I told DD that even if someone else took her I could get there for the appointment. DD doesn't want me around her dad and SM because they are too immature to be in the same room with me.

Pretty sad huh?

I will just have to wait until after her appointment and call and talk to her Dr. She only gets seen once a year now unless there is a problem so I assume they will not have her back until next year. That could be her last appointment but we will have to wait and see. Her dad doesn't think she even needs them, even though Shriners has made unbelievable improvements for my DD.

DD ask me recently if next year would be her last appointment because she will turn 18 before the next appointment. I told her and she knows that I have been discussing this time of her life with the Dr. for a long time. My DD wants to continue to see her Dr. in private practice once she has to leave Shriners care. I told her that since I'm not in charge of that anymore and her dad is the one making the decision, I don't even know if she will go next year, much less what will happen after that.

I know if I tell them I am going next year no matter who takes her then her dad won't have any part of it. That is the way it is now. If I say I'm going to be at an appointment or meeting he doesn't go. Only 2 times has he shown up when I planned to be there.

Anyway, thank you for the info. I can only wait and see what happens.

KB

I spoke to DD last night, she said that SM said she could bring her over after little sisters practice but she wouldn't have her here until 9:30 or 10:00 pm. I told DD that was fine.

I then had a talk with DD about why I was upset about the situation to begin with. SM changing her plans about bringing DD to my house.

About 15 minutes after I spoke to DD I got a call from BF. I knew it was him and he was probably doing to bitch at me so I let it go to voicemail so that I didn't get into it with him. He left a message stating that they didn't need me to take DD to her appointment. He said he was going to try and make it back in time, but if he didn't SM would take her. He said, I had to go and make a big deal out of it and he was not going to have his wife and daughter out until 10:00 at night just so I don't have to make a trip out and pick up MY daughter for a Shriners appointment. He said how quickly I forget that they brought her to me on Christmas and saved me a trip to their house to pick her up. (LOL)

I called DD and ask her what she told SM and she said she ask her if she could bring her to my house after practice. I said, didn't you tell me that she suggested that? Didn't SM say she could bring you then? DD said yes. I said then how am I making a big deal out of it, when she has offered twice now to bring you and when I take her up on her offer she changes her mind and now she is getting your dad to call and bitch at me.

I told DD to also keep in mind that they did not do me any favors by bringing her to me on Christmas. I reminded her that she was the one who called me and told me that her dad and SM had plans on the day after Christmas and they would be leaving really early in the morning. I told her that I was prefect okay with picking her up at my court ordered time. DD then called me a couple of days later and said that they would be spending Christmas at SM's mothers house (which is like 10 minutes from me) and she wanted to know if it was okay if they dropped her off afterwards. I told DD if she wanted to come over that was fine with me because we didn't have any plans. DD was dropped off around 9:30pm Christmas night.

Now they are throwing it in my face that they did me a favor and saved me a trip when that was all about them and had nothing to do with me.

Anyway, I ask DD if she wanted me at her Dr. Appointment or not and she said she would rather I take her because her SM doesn't know what she is doing. She said she would rather I take her then her dad too, but if he makes it in town in time he will want to take her. So we left off with if her dad does not make it back in time, I will drive 50+ miles from work to her school, then 50+ miles back to the Dr. Appointment, then 45+ miles back to their house to drop her off.

I will do this because my daughter wants me to take her and be there. Why? because I know what I'm doing when it comes to her disability and after 16 years she is finally realizing that.

18 can not come soon enough. Please God let her graduate next year so that I won't have to keep going on like this after her 18th birthday.

Thanks all
KB

Thanks for the reply Ref.
Your first sentence is Exactly right. Even now that they have her.

I have stressed and stressed to DD about wearing her brace over the years. Her BF and SM told her her brace looks goofy at their house when she was little and after that she wouldn't ever wear it when she was with them. She spent the summer with them when she was 13 and when she had her check up at Shriners after that, the Dr. wanted to put her back on the list for another surgery because her leg had gotten so bad from not wearing her brace. I thought that would have taught her because she started wearing her brace regularly (remeber she was back home with me then.) and she was doing her stretches so her leg got better and the Dr. decided not to do the surgery after all. Last year after being with them for 7 months and not wearing her brace the Dr. decided to go with Botox and casting to correct the damage. DD said the Botox was so painful and that she doesn't want to go thru that again. I don't think she wears her brace all the time now, but I feel pretty confident that she is at the very least sleeping in it and that gives her at least 8 hours a day. Much better then before. I told DD that if her brace rubs blisters in the future and her dad won't do anything about it again and tells her just not to wear it, to call me and I'll make sure her brace gets fixed. She knew I would take care of that.

I basically did offer 1/2 way to them. So what do I do if they won't meet me? Do I then say then I can't take her? Or do I just give in? I have a feeling the only reason SM won't meet me half way is because she wants to be the one to take her. They need to lie to the Dr. and I don't think she wants me taking her because I will tell him the truth. I think she wants me not to take her. That is why I thought I would tell them I can't take her because that is too much driving. Let SM take her then I will just show up at the appointment. That way, she does all the driving, and I get to go to the appointment which is exactly what SM doesn't want.

Just a tid bit, the reason SM won't bring her to me is because 11 year old sister as cheerleading practice. Sounds like SM had her priorities all worked out.

The Dr. that my DD see's at Shriners told SM she could not sign for treatment. He did see my DD and exam her while SM was there but my DD treatment had to be postponed for a month so that dad could bring her for that. BF and SM have always told DD that there is nothing wrong with her and that I have just made it all up to keep control over her. Just like SM saying they had no idea about any of this after bragging that she has been SM for 12 years. DD has had multiple surgeries and been confined to a wheel chair for over two months at a time and they had no idea and they tell her there is nothing wrong with her. Grrrrr

The school is going to be getting a letter from me soon. Last year I sent a letter to the ARD cordinator requesting my DD ARD records and she did not send them to me. I then sent a letter to the principle and requested them again. I did get some of the records I requested but didn't get the ARD papers for several months after that. DD then came to my house for a visit and said something about her Report card. She said something about me getting it because I called the school. I said how did you know I called the school. DD said that the school had called SM and ask her permission to release the information I was asking for.
needless to say I went off right then and there. Well in Sept 2005 my DD had an ARD meeting at the school and only because I kept asking her (DD) when it was, I was able to attend. AT the meeting the Coordinator told me right there in front of DD and BF that she would send me a copy of her ARD papers and that she has my address to send them. It is now January, I have emailed her twice and called once and still don't have DD ARD papers. So I will be sending a letter to the principle and the administration office about this.

The agreement does say 50% of necessary medical expense. I have already pissed them off for telling them I WILL NOT pay for any of her driving instruction or modifications. Driving is not medically necessary and they are the ones who promised her a drivers license at 16 not me. DD said that when she went to the Dr. to get on the pill, the Dr said her  problem is normal for girls her age and she would grow out of it on her own. SM insisted on birth control pills.

I do know that DD is old enough to know what is going on. I want so badly to ask her if she sees the truth now. Does she see that little sisters Cheerleading is more important then her medical care? Does she see that she was promised, acting, driving, car, other activities, that have still not happened? It was all empty promises and she still acts like she doesn't care. When she told me yesterday that SM couldnt' take her she started with "well I don't like this but" I don't know what she didn't like. The fact that SM doesn't care enough to take her half way, or the fact that she had to tell me.

Your right, she will be 18 before you know it, she is graduating a year early next year so she will graduate at 17. I can't wait till her 18th birthday so that I can cut them off!!!

Thanks again for your input and for listening.

KB

I will try to make this as short as possible but please bare with me.

I have a 16 year old DD who I had custody of for the first 14 1/2 years of her life. My DD has mild cerebral palsy and when diagnosed I was told the doctors weren't sure if she would ever walk. BF and I separated and divorced when DD was around 10 months old. BF was not present when DD was diagnosed, he never attended any of her Dr or therapy visits he wouldn't even take us when I didn't have a car for 2 years.

I on the other hand, left my job, went on welfare, lost my care and had to move into government housing so that I could spend every moment working with her and making sure she got the treatment she needed and deserved. Her BF never carried insurance on her (not one day of her life even now) Yes it was court ordered. He always sent letters stating he couldn't get insurance on her because she had a pre-existing condition. Kind of Ironic since I have never had a problem getting her covered.

So BF remarried when DD was around 3 and new wife has no problem completely supporting him financially with the exception of having to pay his child support. He doesn't like to work but may 6 months at a time here and there. For over 11 years I have dealt with constant attempt by them in alianating my daughter from me. Always telling her they were going to do things for or with her, but they couldn't because it was not their weekend and I wouldn't let her go on my weekend. I was stupid and over the years gave them more and more time with her. She was gone nearly every weekend and almost the whole summer because they would constantly make plans for trips and parties during what should have been my time. Then they would tell her I didn't love her and was being mean to them and her by not letting her do things with them.

Things got worse and worse over the years to the point that when we had plans such as trips or family coming into town, they would offer up something really fun to get her to come to their house. I started saying NO because we had plans and they new it. My daughter started coming home with her hair colored and being told that if she lived with them they would get her in acting like her little sister and stuff like that. Her BF has been telling her all these years that when she turned 13 she could tell the judge that she didn't want to live with me and she could live with them.

Well at 14 1/2 I offered to let my SD move in with us during a separation from her husband and DD got really pissed. She said she didn't want any other kids living here. Shortly after that her grades dropped from A B to D's. I grounded her and while she was grounded at home, her BF and step mom were letting her have her friends spend the weekend at their home. Then they told her that if she lived with them, she would have a car and her license when she turned 16. (something I had already told her wouldn't happen with me.) Remember my daugher has Cerebral Palsy and we had already been told she would need special driving instruction in order to drive. The instruction course is 3 to 4000.00 dollars and then you still have to pay to have modifications done to a vehicle. I can't afford that. So then, while she was at her BF's her report card came in, now she even had an F on her report card. DD came home from BF's that weekend with a new cell phone. BF and SM made sure to tell her that I would probably take the phone away from her because of her grades.

So lets move ahead. DD is a patient of Shriners Hospital and after mulitple surgeries, all of which required my being off work for months at a time, lots of therapy, and lots of visits, she now only has to be seen once or twice a year. I have worked very hard to get my daughter where she is today. Most people can't even tell anything is wrong with her until they get to know her. They may notice a limp but even that is mild. I told her BF when she went to live with him that I have done 100% of her medical care her entire life and he has never had anything at all to do with it. I told him when she went to live with him, that he needed to be the one to take her to her Shriners appointments but that I would still want to be a part of those visits.

By the way, a week after she got the cell phone, DD told me she wanted to move in with her dad. It was supposed to be a trial move until the Christmas break, but BF went straight to a lawyer and the custody papers were finalized in Oct. Shriners contacted me to schedule her appointment the year after she move in with her dad because they didn't know about the changes. I notified her dad and he said I could set up the appointment and he would take her. I also found out that my daughters leg brace had been rubbing blisters on her foot and when she told her dad, he told her not to wear it. She had gone several months without wearing it and her leg had gotten much worse. Well the appointment was scheduled and BF said he would take her. I was in contact with the hospital because after over 10 years I know the staff there very well, and I was told that BF didn't take her to the appointment. Her SM took her. Because her SM took her my duaghter couldn't be treated  because only her parents can sign for treatment.

My daughter had to have injections and be casted for 3 months because she hadn't been wearing her brace. SM first told them that she had been DD SM for 12 years, then when they told her how bad DD had gotten because she hadn't worn her brace, SM said we had NO IDEA about any of this. (WHAT A LIE!!!) DD had to go several times over the next few months and only because Shriners told them they would not treat her unless she was with her father or me, BF actually took her to like 2 or 3 of her visits. I also took her to one of them.

Well it is time for her next appointment. As expected BF called me last week and told me he can't take her to her appointment. No surprize there. He said that if I couldn't take her SM would take her knowing that Shriners has already told her she can't approve treatment. BF told me that if I could take her, that SM would bring her to my house the night before so that I would not have to drive the 40 + miles round trip to go get her. That is on top of the 60 + miles round trip to Shriners.

When I called BF and told him I could take her I ask what time SM would be bringing her over. BF spoke to SM for a minute while I was on the phone then came back and said SM would have to see what she could do. She would have all the kids (3 kids- ages 11, 16 and 16) and she might not have time to bring her. I reminded him that he had already told me she could bring her over and he said she would have to see. (let me mention at this time, that SM tells everyone that she is DD mom. All my DD's school records are mailed to SM. Not to the parents of or to BF, DD school records show her parent to be SM's name. She takes DD to all her other dr appointments and when I have called to ask questions of the Dr office. They tell me they will only release information to DD's mother. I said I am her mother and they say our file show SM's name as the mother.

So DD calls tonight and tells me that SM told her to tell me that she can't bring her to my house the night before her appointment. Now I'm expected to drive over 100 miles round trip to pick her up and take her to an appointment that BF should be responsible for. On top of that, I just got a bill from them requesting my 50% of DD birth control pills. (Something I totally disagree with but SM took her and got her on)

So do I be a bitch and tell them if SM can't meet me half way then I can't take her? Do I tell them they wanted custody, so along with all the hair color, body peircing and fun stuff, they need to deal with the real stuff too? Do I tell them SM had to take her when I know they won't be able to treat her? Do I tell them SM has to take her then just show up to the appointment. (The appointment is only about 15 or 20 minutes from my job) I will have to leave work at 11:00 to make a 1:30 appointment if I have to go get her from their house or school.)

I know I'm rambling, but as you can probably tell I am highly ticked off! They have never participated in her care, I have done it all. Then they buy her away from me and still expect me to take care of the serious stuff. Do I just continue to give in like I have done for years and quietly go get her and take her so that she gets the treatment that she needs or do I make them take responsibility for this? I'm so upset, I am trying not to act totally on my emotions.

I really am sorry this is so long, and I know I probably left out some important parts but I had to vent. If anyone has any suggestions I would love to hear them.

Thanks
KB

Had to chime in here.

my3sons... I applaud you for stepping in taking care of your childrens medical needs.

I'm not a nurse so don't take this wrong, but I can see where a nurse, would feel she can take care of most things that come up. The fact that she is a nurse is probably why she doesn't take them.
Not excusing her just thinking out loud.

I have to say though, I would rather have 3 healthy children that mom doesn't take to the dr, then the ex my DH has that takes the kids to the Dr so much we never know what is going to be wrong with them from week to week. I think bm has Munchausen in a different form then what you see and read about. She doesn't make them sick like they show on T.V. She just feeds off the problems they do have.. She just keeps telling the Dr's, he/she isn't better do more, do more instead of taking care of her children properly herself. You think fighting that a parent is medically neglectful for not taking healthly children to the Dr. is hard, try fighting a parent that (Loves her children soooo much that she takes them to the Dr all the time because they are Soooooo sick) B*** S***

The courts listen to her and say awwww.. this poor mother has all this burden with all these sick kids. She is such a good mother, no illness will get by her.  You just want to strangle the legal system and say your right, no illness will get by her because she is the one who concocted it.
(Duh!!)

Sorry for the rant..
my3sons... Be oh so thankful that you have healthy children who are allowed to stay that way.  I would also wonder if part of the reason she doesn't do it is because she knows you will. If she didn't get the kids shots, they would be kicked out of school. Has it ever gotten to that point before you did it for her and paid the 100% of the uninsured protion? Not to upset you more... but she may just be playing you.

Good luck

Kb

OMG!! I just read your post and printed the forms and looked up the tax table online. Ran through the 1040 real quick and DH and I would get over 10,000.00 back if we claimed his kids.

The reason it is so high is because we claim Married no dependants at the higher single rate on our payroll. So we have paid a lot of taxes.

I have told DH before we should try it and see what happens. DH doesn't want to get mixed up in a big fight with the ex over it. I told him, unless she has someone claiming them illegally, she would never know.

I already did my taxes for this year. If we filed an Amended return and suddenly changed it from 2 dependants to 5 wouldn't that raise a red flag?

I have told DH when the time comes that he is willing to get it changed in court, I want it to state that we get the right to claim the kids for the previous 3 years too. That way, once we have it on paper, we can go back and amend the past 3 years.

So what do you think Ref, should we try to amend our 2005 return? Or is it too risky and not worth getting audited over?

Thanks for your insight.

KB

DH and his ex divorced in 1999. DH was the sole bread-winner in the household. Ex fosters and adopts kids to make money. At last count she has 8 or 9 kids in the house.

At the time of the divorce DH and Ex had 4 minor children that he pays support on. In 2001 DH ask Ex who doesn't file because she has no taxable income if she would sign the 8332 form and allow him to claim the 4 minor children. DH told Ex that he would split the refund with her.

Ex refused to sign the form and told DH that she had somthing else figured out about taxes.

We had been told by some that we should go ahead and claim the kids because the worse that could happen is if she does claim them, we would have to pay back what we got. However, if she doesn't claim them because she doesn't file then no one would be the wiser.

DH is worried about doing that and will only claim the kids if she signs the 8332 or if the court order is changed. (Yet he wont take her to court for anything either) So to our knowledge no-one has claimed the exemptions for his children since 1998 tax year.

Now, we do suspect that when OSS turned 16 and went to work, BM has had him claim the kids on his taxes. I don't know how we could find out if she has someone else claiming them illegally.

Any thoughts or suggestions?

KB

I first want to say to 4honor that you give great letter writing advice and I should have you read/edit my letters to my ex.

Secondly;
I know every letter I send to BF is read to my DD. He and his wife always show her everything I write so they can twist it to mean what they want. Then selectively show her what they write to me or he calls with all the threats so that DD doesn't know about them, then writes the nice little request letters so that DD thinks he is being all pleasant and I'm being a horses butt.

I don't say anything in my letters that I'm not willing to say to my DD if she ask about it. I asked her back in Feb if her SM had read a letter I sent to her dad and DD said yes. I told her that if she ever wanted to know why I say anything I say, she just needs to ask. DD doesn't need to ask, she knows how I feel already about the situations that are being battled over right now. What she doesn't know is her father has threatened to take me back to court 3 times since Feb for CS modifications and for motion to enforce.

The final papers were just done in Oct of 04.

Thank God I only have 3 1/2 years to put up with this crap.

I know you and DH don't want SD involved but if she opened an envelope that was addressed to her mother or if her mother read the letter to her, then you and DH just need to be prepared to a nicely as possible state your case to her. Why did you say what you said.

Thanks for letting me vent too. LOL
KB

Thank you Hazel for the nice words.

I'm sorry to hear about how things have turned out with your SS.

I'm guessing SD is 19? I work with a girl that has had a really bad relationship with her SM for many years and is very close to her mother. About a year ago, SM and SS started communicating via email and really started getting some things out and working on building a relationship. (I got an ear full several times about some of the stuff that SM was saying to the girl at work so I would say be careful how you phrase things.) I found myself standing up for the girls SM when she would tell me things that she was saying. I was able to see both points of view, ya know.

Is it possible to open the lines of communication with your SS?

Thanks for sharing and you didn't sound corny at all. We are all in this mess together.

KB

I feel bad using up dippers post on all of us. If you would like to chat more about this feel free to email me at [email protected]. I would love to chat with you, I know how frustrating it can me.

KB