Okay.. I thought about this while typing my last post, but felt it was getting too long so I didn't mention it.
Onedaddy, we have had the same problem with dh kids going home and saying that we did something mean to them. BM complaining and saying that the kids have told the school, the councelors, Dr. etc... and that she was going to make sure the judge knew so that we wouldn't get to see the kids anymore.
(remember the survival technique I mentioned in my earlier post.?)
So, sk's were going home and telling BM that we did things we either didn't do, or making things we did do sound really bad. Such as saying that dad punished him for being a bed wetter,..etc.. etc..
When this has happened, this is what dh did... for kids who can talk and reason this has worked for us.
Dh with SS...
DH ; did you tell your school and your mom that I punished you for being a bed wetter and you didin't want to come see me anymore?
SS; No
DH; mom said you told her and the school that, so was mom being dishonest with me or are you afraid to tell me.
SS; shrugs
DH; you know I have never punished you for being a bed wetter..
SS; yes you have...
DH; when..
SS; refers to a visit when he got in trouble for wetting his pull up when he was awake and watching TV..
DH; Your right, I got upset with you for that, and if it happened again I would get upset again. You are too old to be wetting your pants when you are awake and I will not change my mind about that. I did not punish you, I told you that was unacceptable and that if it happened again you would be punished. And that was not about bed wetting.
Dh; Do you want to stop seeing me?
SS; No
DH; Do you know that when you tell mom and the school that I did things to you that aren't true, they can make the judge say you can't see me anymore.
SS; no (Keep in mind, he doesn't know BM's agenda, he is just trying to get ice-cream)
Dh; well they can, and I don't want that.. so if you are truly upset about something I said or did to you then I want you to come talk to me and see if we can work it out first. Okay?
SS okay..
DH and SS... lots of hugs and I love you Bud!!!
We have not heard any complaints from mom since that conversation. We have had talks about things that have happened that he feels are unfair. We have followed through with him talking to us about the situation before he feels the need to run to mom.
Don't get me wrong here people... We have had hell dealing with all of this for the last 4 years and we still have a long way to go. Like I said before, when something new comes up, we just try to figure out a way to calmly combat it.
You said your children like the visits, so help them to understand that telling on you could get you taken away from them and that you really don't want that to happen. I don't know how old your kids are onedaddy, but maybe you and your children can come up with a list.. what are truly bad things mom, and doctor should be told about, and what are not bad things.
Truly bad thing.... Dad hit me and left a mark on my back!
Not a bad thing... I was getting my hand too close to the fire and dad hit my hand away from it.
(both could easily go back to mom or doctor as Dad Hit Me!!)
Once the kids have helped you make the list, maybe it will help them to not tell the doctor "dad hit me" because he kept the childs hand out of the fire. (Just an example)
Boy.. I'm really sorry that I keep saying so much in these post. This is something that is really close to my heart and it makes me sick that so many people have to deal with ex's like this.
I should really shut up now... I think I will change my name to jabber box..
KB
Onedaddy, we have had the same problem with dh kids going home and saying that we did something mean to them. BM complaining and saying that the kids have told the school, the councelors, Dr. etc... and that she was going to make sure the judge knew so that we wouldn't get to see the kids anymore.
(remember the survival technique I mentioned in my earlier post.?)
So, sk's were going home and telling BM that we did things we either didn't do, or making things we did do sound really bad. Such as saying that dad punished him for being a bed wetter,..etc.. etc..
When this has happened, this is what dh did... for kids who can talk and reason this has worked for us.
Dh with SS...
DH ; did you tell your school and your mom that I punished you for being a bed wetter and you didin't want to come see me anymore?
SS; No
DH; mom said you told her and the school that, so was mom being dishonest with me or are you afraid to tell me.
SS; shrugs
DH; you know I have never punished you for being a bed wetter..
SS; yes you have...
DH; when..
SS; refers to a visit when he got in trouble for wetting his pull up when he was awake and watching TV..
DH; Your right, I got upset with you for that, and if it happened again I would get upset again. You are too old to be wetting your pants when you are awake and I will not change my mind about that. I did not punish you, I told you that was unacceptable and that if it happened again you would be punished. And that was not about bed wetting.
Dh; Do you want to stop seeing me?
SS; No
DH; Do you know that when you tell mom and the school that I did things to you that aren't true, they can make the judge say you can't see me anymore.
SS; no (Keep in mind, he doesn't know BM's agenda, he is just trying to get ice-cream)
Dh; well they can, and I don't want that.. so if you are truly upset about something I said or did to you then I want you to come talk to me and see if we can work it out first. Okay?
SS okay..
DH and SS... lots of hugs and I love you Bud!!!
We have not heard any complaints from mom since that conversation. We have had talks about things that have happened that he feels are unfair. We have followed through with him talking to us about the situation before he feels the need to run to mom.
Don't get me wrong here people... We have had hell dealing with all of this for the last 4 years and we still have a long way to go. Like I said before, when something new comes up, we just try to figure out a way to calmly combat it.
You said your children like the visits, so help them to understand that telling on you could get you taken away from them and that you really don't want that to happen. I don't know how old your kids are onedaddy, but maybe you and your children can come up with a list.. what are truly bad things mom, and doctor should be told about, and what are not bad things.
Truly bad thing.... Dad hit me and left a mark on my back!
Not a bad thing... I was getting my hand too close to the fire and dad hit my hand away from it.
(both could easily go back to mom or doctor as Dad Hit Me!!)
Once the kids have helped you make the list, maybe it will help them to not tell the doctor "dad hit me" because he kept the childs hand out of the fire. (Just an example)
Boy.. I'm really sorry that I keep saying so much in these post. This is something that is really close to my heart and it makes me sick that so many people have to deal with ex's like this.
I should really shut up now... I think I will change my name to jabber box..
KB