Messages

Thank you Lucky,
I agree about them planning better. That is exactly why I think he will plan it during my time. He and his wife already have plans in June and he isn't going to mess that up with a summer school schedule. It is easy for him  to take my time, that does not affect him.

I spoke to dd this morning and I told her that I got a letter from her dad stating that she may be in summer school during my visitation. I told dd that she and I had discussed that the other day and that I had already told her, I would not drive her back and forth for summer school and that she  would need to take it in June. DD again said that she didn't know if she was taking it or not this year because it is a really busy summer at dads house. BF working out of town, SM two week vacation, two sisters going off to college, and her spending time with me. She said she may have to wait until next year.

I will be writing her bf in response to the letter he sent, as there were other items mentioned as well. I plan to address the summer school situtation, and I guess I will have to see what happens. I get the impression that dd will tell them she is not going to summer school if it means missing her visitation with me.  (She is liking me again and seems more aware of their attempts to interfere with our relationship.)

Thanks for all the suggestions.
KB

The order states I am to give him written notice by April 1 of a year specifying an extended period or periods of summer possession for that year. I shall have possession of the child for two weeks beginning no earlier than the day after the child's school is dismissed for the summer vacation in that year, to be exercised in two consecutive weeks or two separate weeks, but no more then two separate periods of at least seven consecutive days each, as specified in the written notice. These periods of possession shall begin and end at 6:00 P.M. If I do not give him notice by April 1 of the year.. I shall have possession of the child for fourteen consecutive days in the year beginning at 6:00 P.M. on July 1 and ending at 6:00 P.M. on July 15.

If he gives me notice by April 15 of a year he shall have possession of the child on any one weekend beginning at 6:00 P.M on Friday and ending at 6:00 P.M on the following Sunday, but not during my two week period of possession.

The letter he sent was dated April 18th and post marked on the 19th.
The way I see it he can not plan anything for her during my time with her. My problem is if he does what can I do?

Ref, you mentioned having more details on flexibility of the schedule.
My dh only see's his children 2 or 3 times a year and the two weeks we have them in the summer is our longest period of time with them. My dh and I use all our vacation each year for times that his children are here. We don't want to put them with a sitter when they only get to come 2 or 3 times a year. My dh and I alternate weeks with the kids and if at all possible both take off.

My dh is court ordered to notify his ex by Jan 31 of each year as to when he will be taking the kids for the summer. Dh and I have had our vacation time set with our employers since January. Dh will be taking the week of July 4 thru July 8 and I am taking July 11 thru July 15. We also have the weekends.

As stated in the court order, if I had not given my ex notice of when I wanted dd, I would have been court ordered to have her July 1 thru July 15 anyway. I hope that answers your flexibility question.

A little more history, I had custody of dd up until Oct of last year. She moved to her bf's in May of 04. During the 14 1/2 years I had custody I never once threatened or took her father back to court for any reason. In the year that my dd has lived with her father, he threatened me with court 2 times before he filed for custody 4 months before our agreed trial period ended, and since Oct has threatened me 2 more times, for motion to enforce, and more child support. Bf, or I actually believe SM is determined to make life miserable for me. He did it when I had custody and he continues to do it even now that he has custody.

I have every reason to believe that he will purposely schedule her for summer school (elective) just to force me to either give up my time with her, or force me to spend more then $100 dollars in gas and approximately 20 hours driving her back and forth to school for a week of my time. The summer school calendar has not been posted, but the calendar does show that the kids are on vacation during the week of July 4 to July 8. That is the week my husband will be home with the kids.  

Thank you all for your suggestion. I just don't know if I can stop him from scheduling her during that time. If he does schedule her I don't know what I'm going to do.

KB

I got a letter from my ex yesterday. One of the subjects he mentioned was the summer visitation dates I gave him before April 1st as court ordered.

My daughter has been talking about going to summer school all year so that she can try and graduate a year early. I have asked her several times what the summer school schedule will be. She said she thinks there is one session in June and another in July. I told her that I was planning my summer visitation with her in July so she needed to go to summer school in June.

Well about 3 days ago, DD calls me and ask if she can come to my house from June 12 to June 26 because her step mother is taking a two week vacation to California without the kids. I said, you don't want to stay home with your dad? DD said that Dad may be working out of state again in June. (Dad has already been working out of state since Jan, and just got back home about a week ago.

I told DD that I didn't mind her coming over but I had already requested the time I wanted and I was not going to change that and substitute for June when that is not what I wanted. DD said that she would be spending both two week periods with me.

I then asked her about summer school, and how she could go if she was at my house for two weeks in June and two weeks in July. DD said she may not be able to go to summer school because they would be too busy this summer.

Back to the letter I received today. BF says that he is okay with my request, but that DD will be going to summer school this summer and I may have to drive her back and forth to school every day. My daughters school is 35 or 40 miles away from my home. That would mean me driving 140 or more miles every day during my summer visitation with her.

I have reason to believe that if BF is going to working out of state in June and SM is going to California they will purposely schedule her in July so that I am forced to provide her transportation.

Can they do that? Can I prevent them from putting her in summer school during my summer visitation when I gave them notice in March and they have not yet scheduled her class. Also, I gave them my notice before they made their plans.

Any suggestion?

Thanks
KB

Kaylene I'm not seeing your problem. You say DH gets the kids for 1 month. If he gets the kids at the beginning of July what is stopping him from sending the kids to camp? You state that the camp that is affordable and close to your home is open until mid July. It sounds like you should have about 2 weeks into July to accommodate camp. How long is the camp? If it is two weeks and starts on June 29th then I would think DH could find a way to compromise with either mom or grandmother to get the kids at the end of June.

Otherwise I don't think DH would be able to argue in court if she gives him his month even if the dates are not exactly what he was hoping for.

Like Patton said, I have to notify my ex by April 1 of my requested dates. My DH has to notify his ex by Jan 31 each year of his selected summer visitation. Trust me that one is hard to follow because neither of us even have vacation selection on our jobs until after that. We have to give her the dates and hope like he** that we get approved for our vacation request at work.

Did DH have custody legally changed when ss moved in with the two of you?
Is there still a CS order in place?
DH does not have to pay travel to visit BM unless the court papers say so.
I live in Texas and last Oct custody was changed from me to BF, I have reason to believe BF may move DD out of the state, so our court papers state that if he moves over 100 miles from the county that we live in he has to pay all transportation cost for DD to see me during my visitation. If he does not move then I am responsible.

My DH's children live in MI and since he is the one who moved, he is responsible for all travel expenses to get the kids to Texas for visitation.

My point is, that in most cases, the person who moves is responsible for the cost, unless the parties agree to split the expense.
 
You may have to spend more money to get it in the order. What state do you live in? do they have a Friend of the Court or similar service? That could save you some money.

KB

lol... i believe the original post said 1 1/2 years but he didn't space between the numbers... I had to look at it for a few to, to try and determing how long 11/2 was.

There are many reasons why parents sometimes have to move away from their children. Maybe because their job takes them to another location, or maybe because their life is in danger if they stay within reach of the ex..

To tell someone the first thing they have to do in order to be a good parent is to move back to where there children live is incorrect.  It may be your opinon that a person can be a bigger part of a childs life if they live closer, (which is not always true) but you can not lead someone to believe that if they do not live close to their children they can not be a good parent. That is not true.

What happens if it is the CP that keeps moving... is the NCP supposed to pack up and follow CP all over the country to be a good parent?

Geographical location does not make a good or bad parent. It is quality not quantity that determines the relationship between a child and a parent.

Have the kids flown before? with or without supervision?

The only thing I might suggest is that when you put the agreement on paper (via the courts) see if you can specify changes at certain ages.

My dh did not do that so we will have to go back again. Dh is the one who moved away from the kids, so we took on 100% of transportation cost. I don't know if it was the ex who didn't want the kids to fly alone or the judge. I just know that dh has to fly to MI rent a car, drive to ex's house, pick up the kids, return the rental car, then get back on a plain with the kids to bring them to TX. He does the same thing when it is time for them to go home. The kids are now 8, 9, and 12 and we feel that they have had enough flight experience over the last 3 years to fly alone. We should have thought ahead to have it in the papers that at (____) age or after so many years the kids would begin making the trips alone. (If that is even possible to do ahead of time...Idon't know)

If you have to agree to the most expensive route, as we did.. then at least see if annual or bi annual changes can be written in so that over time the kids are traveling alone.

Good Luck
KB

Fladad,
   You are getting some good information so far except for the last post.

Let me tell you my dh story.
Kids and ex in MI.. dh visitation was set at every other weekend in the ex's home.. I know WHAT WAS HE THINKING!!!!! He knew it was time to be out of that relationship and she asked for the divorce and he gave her EVERYTHING she asked for.
DH left MI after the divorce with the cloths on his back and that was IT! He moved to NM where he had family to support him through the split with the ex. He took a bus because he gave ex the car. He was never allowed by the ex to get any personal belongings, and rather then fight with her, he just left it all behind.

Needless to say, everyother weekend from over 1000 miles away was not going to happen, not to mention having to spend the time with the ex in order to see his kids. He was very depressed, and the ex had made him feel so quilty about the failed relationship that he honeslty felt that his kids were better off without him in their lives. (Ex made sure he felt that way)

When I came into dh life, I told him that him and his ex don't matter and what happened between them has nothing to do with him being a father to his children. The only time he spoke to his kids was when ex let him after spending a hour telling him what a low life he was and how he had ruined hers and the childrens life. (He tried not to talk to them very often so he didn't have to deal with that)
I encouraged dh to call his children reguarly no matter what his ex said or did.. I told him she will eventually get tired of it. Also I might add that dh and I were together for over 1 1/2 years before ex or the youngest children ever new about me.  

So, in November 2001 two years after dh left MI, dh filed with the MI friend of the court for visitation modifications. In his request dh listed the current visitation and why it was not workable,(ie living in TX now some 2000 miles from children.) then dh listed what he wanted in the future. (ie.. longer holiday and summer in TX instead of in Ex's home.)

EX told him the same thing your Ex did.... these kids will NEVER leave the state of MI and no judge will make me!!!

Now... in dh request, we knew going from nothing but phone calls, then immediatey to two or more weeks away from BM was not in  the Best Interest Of The Children. So I would suggest that when you submit your request for visitation changes you do this.

Dh listed in his request that he felt it would be in the childrens best interest to begin having visits in MI with the children for a period of time before bringing the children to TX.

Judge agreed... it was and is expensive having visits with them. The original papers stated that dh was to see the kids during all school vacations. (ie Christmas, spring break, etc...) Only prob, was that the judge said the amount of time was to be agreed on by the two parties. (Ex doesn't agree on anything that isn't in the papers.) For the Christmas immediatly following the hearing, ex took the kids to CO to visit family, judge said dh was to go to CO to see the kids. Dh drove 36 hours to and from CO and ex only gave him 4 hours with the kids. During the trial period, ex never let dh take the kids for overnight stays. Dh tried to explain to her that he felt it was best that the kids get used to that before going to TX but ex said that isn't ever going to happen so they don't have to get used to it.

May 2002 dh and ex were back in front of the judge. Dh was able to show he had done all the visits, met with the kids Dr's and any other stipulations that the judge had listed previously.

New papers in May 2002.... Kids come to TX summer, and every other holiday. This is at our expense.. dh has to fly to MI pick up the kids and fly back with them, then repeat that to take them home. (we hope to get that changed as they get older)

Ex tried to tell the judge that I couldn't be there when the kids came down, cause I smoke. Judge told dh to tell me I can't smoke around the kids. (DUH!!) Judge never gave in to her complaints about me even before we were married.  

I'm sorry to take up your post with my issues, I just wanted to show that Yes you should file for changes... Yes you should suggest that because time has past since the children last saw you, you should start visits where they live... NO you do not have to move back in order to have a relationship with your children.....Don't push g/f on the ex or the kids... Your new relationship is yours not hers... Keep them separate! Once you have the kids coming to you for visits then you and g/f can involve them in your lives... If the states that you are dealing with have a Friend of the court type service use it... It only cost my dh $20.00 to file for his visitation change.

Good luck.... keep talking to the children.. explain to g/f that she needs to remain in the shadows as far as the ex and kids are concerned for now.
If you want any more info I'll be happy to help..

KB

Born,
    Your question about letting a stranger take my 3 month old for overnight visits is hard to answer. No offence intended, but I would not have allowed myself to get pregnant by a stranger in the first place.

Accidents happen and people find themselves in the situation you are in right now. Point is... he is the babys father... doesn't matter if you were together 3 weeks or 3 years. This is his son as much as yours and he has every right to see him and help raise him.

I can guarantee you will not approve of the way he takes care of the baby. You will probably feel that way for the rest of your sons life. That's the way it goes most of the time in broken families.  The courts don't really care about how you feel or that you don't really know the father of your son. The courts say, the two of you created a child and it is the responsibility of both of you to support and raise him.  

My youngest who is 15 now was 9 months old when her father and I split up. He immediatly started taking her every other weekend and during holidays. My dd has a disability and she would come back from her dads every sunday worse then when she left my house. She was never as clean as I kept her, she had severe constipation every time she came home... I could go on and on.. but he is her father and although he does not do things the way I do and he seems to purposly do things that are not in my daughter best interest, just to do the opposite of what I say.. She is now 15 and she is still alive.

My point is... I have spent years disagreeing with the way dad does things but my daughter survived and will hopefully make it into adulthood. (Just acknowledging that I still have the fear that he will seriously mess her up now that she is living with him) You have to grin and bear it. Unless of course there is true abuse--- which should NEVER be falsly accused.

When dd went with bf, I knew she would come home constipated... I have no idea what he was feeding her that was causing it, but it happened every time. Telling him, did nothing but cause problems and she was not going to die from a day or two of constipation so I stopped saying anything to him. I kept stocked up on Gerber Pruns and the first thing she got to eat when she got home from dads was pruns... Within a day or so she was back to normal again.. Grin :D and Bear it.

Your ex will be required to provide you with an address, phone number, employer and such, just as you will be required to keep him informed of the same. Just remember Born... a stranger is raising his son too... the two of you will have a long life ahead of you, you can either work together and make the best of it for the benefit of the child that you both created, or you can spend the next 18 years making each others, and your sons life miserable. You and ex are the adults... you both have the power to make your sons life a positive one... use it.

I'll share one more thing before I go... I have had to say this a million times. Although this is big in AA... I am not a drinker or a drug user.. Just able to apply this to life in general.

God, Grant me the Serinity to accept the things I can not change...
(HIM)
The Courage to change the things I can.....
(YOURSELF)
And the Wisdom to know the difference....
(This is the hard one sometimes.) Your heart and your head usually view things differently.

Good luck Born and may all of you find happiness in this thing called life.
KB