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We've worked out at least a phone call a week and once a month visit (we live 90 miles apart)...and I told him that we'd let my son kind of dictate how much/little time as he gets older....

PBFH recently got divorced from husband #2 (married for 5 years).  He was a good guy and she ended up cheating on him (they work together).  She told me she was worried about his "stability" around our son (now almost 10 years old) and to tell her when ex #2 wanted to see our son.(ex #2 and son are very close).  I did that at first but then he called me and said she was not answering emails, phone calls, etc...So he wanted to go through me to see son (BTW, I am the custodial parent but she has liberal visitation).  After talking to him I asked him about selling their house.  Well, he tells me he was so concerned about the divorce and moving having an effect on my son that he signed the house over to her with the stipulation that she wouldn't move so as to provide a stable home for my son during the tumultuous divorce.  Well, you guessed it, she sells the house (no regard for our son), keeps his money and doesn't even tell him! Here's a guy who was a step-parent and is so concerned about my son's welfare that he gives up about 50K of equity in his home so his ex-step son can have some stability only to have bio-mom do what's best for bio-mom...I fucking can't stand this woman and her selfishness....just can't fucking stand it!

Happy Birthday Melly!...you are definitely doing the right thing by being super nice...you can live with yourself, set a great example, and still continue to piss her off.....

My boy tried this for years.  Everytime he was pissed at me or his step-mom, he wanted to call his mother to complain (because she, of course, loves to hear how unhappy he is here).  I think it was right around 6 that I told him that calling his mother was fine, but calling her only to complain about us was not ok.  It took a while, and I still find him wanting to do it (he's almost ten now), but he learned that I wouldn't tolerate being trash talked about.  I phrased it to him "if everytime you got me angry or upset and I called your friends parents (whom I'm friends with) and complained about you, how would you feel?"  It seemed to have an impact...good luck

It is certainly legal if you allow it!  But, IMHO...it's just BM trying to flex her muscles in her power trip.  Politely say " There really is no need for that"...and if she witholds any visitation time...she'll look like a moron when she tries to explain it to the judge..."But he wouldn't let me inspect her new room"..pleeeease..

>>1) Should I restrict or monitor the phone calls and letters
>from BM to son?  
>
>--There is a custody issue pending in court--
>
>2)Will I look like I'm playing tit-for-tat to spite BM?  
>
>3) Or will the judge realize I'm only trying to protect my
>child?
>
>LittleBit's Dad

My ex has been pulling this shit since I got custody 5 years ago.  While I can't stop her from doing it while he (also 10 years old) is with her, I can certainly monitor/prevent it from my end.  Soooo.....

1) Yes....review the letters, if there is anything that you find inappropriate, delete it.  Phone calls can be done without actually eavesdropping on both of them.  Just keep an ear out for what your child says (you can kind of guess if ex is pulling the crap)..and end phone call if you deem it inappropriate.  "Littly Johnny has to go right now..he'll call you back at 7:00"..or something like that.
2)  I don't think so.   You are preventing your child from hearing/reading something that is NOT OK.
3) Yes, this is what I believe.

If she does it on the phone you can also interrupt the phone call and say "I need to talk to your mother"..and out of earshot calmly explain to her that she is more than welcome to talk to child but if she continues to make your child feel guilty then the phone call will be terminated. Keep us posted.

How did it come about that you folks live 3 hours apart?

I would agree with you that "something is wrong and needs to be addressed"....but when I took him to the nurse practioner (advice of therapist) and to neuro-psch eval....both recommended small dose of Ritalin and BM says "I am not medicating my child".

He has been with a therapist off an on since he was five.  I had the testing done by a child neuro-pscychologist.  He found nothing major but did see say my boy was very oppositional.  He said that a smal dose of Ritalin wouldn't hurt as did a nurse practioner prior to that.  But, of course BM refused that cuz if his grades get better, she has no case.  Can you imagine someone wanting for their child to do poorly?  Unbelievable.  Simply unbelievable.

Ex asks me if I still have same lawyer, then starts requesting all sorts of school stuff.  Yup, she is trying for custody again.  
My son is 13 and going into 8th grade.  I have had physical custody since he was 5 (ex lives in NH, I live in MA).  Since that time she has tried on 3 occasions to open the whole thing up and try for custody.  3 times she has failed.  The new reason is that he is not doing great in school.  He grades are ok but he gets in trouble frequently.  I had him tested to see if it was a ADD or ADHD issue and doc says no.  He has an IQ of 135 so he should be doing great grade-wise, but he is lazy and does minimal work. The whole 8 years she has been trying to get him on her side about everything.  I must say she has succeeded.  He and I argue frequently.
Her goal is to get him with her for high school.  I work weekends so I am not sure when I would see him if that happened(holidays and summers maybe).  He also lives with his  4 year old sister and two year old brother from my current wife.  He has expressed interest in living with her on occasion, but I don't think he really wants to, just afraid to tell her he doesn't.  Opinions and comments are welcome.