Messages

Stillsober

First of all WAY TO GO!!! on your sobriety

My DH has a similar story to yours. His original visitation was set at 4 hours every other Sunday at his Ex's home and Christmas day in the Ex's home. (NO FREAKING WAY!!) She is the reason he had a drug problem to begin with. After the divorce, DH left MI and moved out of state. He went to stay with family and get his life back. DH could not call the kids without Ex spending an hour or more (long distance) telling him how he ruined her life and how he should have just killed himself and that would have been the best things for her and the kids. Needless to say he didn't call very often because it wasn't worth putting up with her for an hour or more, just to get 5 minutes on the phone with the kids. (Usually spending that 5 minutes telling him how he made mommy cry.)
Well, you've been there, when you are at that point in recovery, your self esteem is holding steady at about a 1.

Once DH and I met, I encouraged him to call the kids more. Never mind what the Ex said, I was here to lift him back up after she tore him down. It took a little time, but she finally stopped keeping him on the phone so long and now 5 1/2 years later, she wont even talk to him.

DH obviously couldn't travel 2000 miles to spend 4 hours with the kids in her home EOW. Two years past before he finally had the strength and the ability to go for a modification.

Heres what he did.. DH was told by the state of MI Friend of the court that he needed to request the change from the Ex. They told him that unless she refused the change they would not accept the request.
DH sent a letter to his Ex stating the changes that he wanted, we sent it certified mail and kept a copy for our records. When the return mail receipt came we attached it to the letter. Ex wrote back and stated that she would not agree to the changes and that the children would NEVER leave the state of MI with him.
We filed with the Friend of the court for visitation modification. The Judge ordered DH to visit the kids in MI during holidays from school for 6 months, DH had to have attendance signed at his NA meetings to show he was going to at least 2 meetings a week, and he had to have random urine test done once a month. DH did all that was ordered of him and 6 months later we went back to court. DH was giving 2 weeks in the summer, every other Christmas, Thanksgiving, Winter break from school and Spring Break. We get the kids 3 or 4 times a year and they ALWAYS leave the state of MI to come to Texas.

So if you have a Friend of the court type service try them, be prepared to have to prove yourself to the courts. (Ex drove 36 hours round trip to CO to see the kids for Christmas (judge said so) and the Ex only allowed him 4 hours with the kids.) Once you do all that, expect it to be rocky for a period because of all the change, but I can tell you it smooths out and the bond can be rebuilt.

Good luck and don't keep waiting... you need to get the ball rolling.. YOU CAN DO IT!!! If you can win over an addiction... you can do anything!!

KB

I would definately talk to a lawyer. Most states have low income legal assistance you can check into. Since your son is most likely in TX I believe you have to file for the divorce and custody there but a lawyer could better answer that question. I don't think she has to be present to get the divorce, just have to list the petition in the local paper at the last known city of residence or something like that. Ask if you can file for the divorce with full custody of your son since she obvioulsy keeps running. Find out if this can be done and finalized without her being present.

The reason I say that, is because if you can show that you have custody on temporary or final papers, you can probably file kidnapping on her.

Talk to a lawyer... talk to the Attorney general in your state... talk to whom ever you have to, to get the ball rolling ASAP...

good luck and keep us posted..

KB

The whole thing is sickening to me!!!!!

She knows she did it, her husband knows she did it (and is just as guilty as she is in my opinion) the cops know she did it, the lawyers know she did it, the jury knows she did it. Why the heck is there even a trial????

The insanity plea??????

DUH!!!!! Of course she is insane!!!! No sane person would have drown their children!!! Does that mean you get away with it just cause you say, If I'm crazy enough to kill my kids I shouldn't be held accountable.
No-one is questioning her sanity... At least not me!!

KB

What if you don't have proof? How can you get it?

DH ask Ex if she would sign the form to allow him to claim the kids because she does not work. She is not married so there is no taxable income in her home. Therefore she can not file taxes.

DH said since she doesn't file taxes, then he wanted to know if she would allow him to claim his then 4 mior children and he would split the refund with her. EX said NO!

Ex then told Dh that she already had something figured out.

Well the way we see it, there are 8 children living in her home, now 3 minor children of DH's and no-one has been able to claim any of them since they were divorced in 1999 because she has no income and she will not sign the form for DH to claim them.

When the oldest son turned 16 she immediately made him go to work and start giving her money. I have no proof but I firmly believe that she had oldest SS claim her and all the kids on his taxes. (That is what she figured out)

Oldest SS is now 21 and has moved out last year. However, her adopted son (after the divorce) has now turned 16 and is working. I think she will have him claim her and the kids now.

??? How can we find out is DH's kids are being claimed on anyone's taxes?

?? would they tell us who is claiming them?

?? would the IRS question a 16 to 20 year old claiming a family of 8 to 10 dependants?


Thanks

KB

It is my understanding the moving parent has the burden of transportation, of course my experience with this is an out of state situation.

However, when DD wanted to go live with BF in 2004 and we had the custody papers done, I had reason to believe he was planning to move with my DD. I had a clause placed in the papers that state he has to give me at least 60 days notice of any move and if he moves more then 100  miles from his or surrounding counties he will be 100% responsible for the cost of getting DD to my for visitation.

If you don't already have a statement to that affect, you should get one. Basically, BF doesn't even have to be 2 hours away before he is further then stated in our order. We are currently about 20 miles from each other, he doesn't have to leave the state.

KB

I'm a little confused.

You said you have always alternated every two weeks and now BM says she won't do it that way? What is BM's complaint?

Question. You have always taken child for 3 hours during the week and now child doesn't want to do that anymore?

The court order states either consecutively or in 2 segments? What is wrong with 2 segments if the teen child has stated that they do not want to do the weekly 3 hour visit. Does the teen feel the same about that 3 hours when away from BM for 1/2 the summer?

As far as the first part it seems to me that it would work out the same either way. The holidays are in addition to your regularly scheduled time unless you already have the child during that time.
Lets say Dad takes the child from June 10 to July 22 (6 weeks) If this is the year that dad gets 4th of July then dad already has the child. If it is BM's year then BM gets the child for the Holiday and then the child is returned to dad. Same would apply to other holidays and b-days. I would think that there is a chance someone is going to get more days then the other no matter how you do it.

If the teen and the mediator have stated that the weekly visits should be left up to the child then find out what the child wants to do. Maybe once evening every two weeks if the child will be gone for 6 weeks at a time. Just go to dinner and catch up on things.

KB

I can't help with your question but I had to chime in.

I hear so many stories about ex's and the crap they pull. Trust me I have had my share of experiences with my ex and DH ex.

I have said many times that my ex is a very lucky man to have an ex like me. I kick myself now for being so easy and letting so many things go. Anyone who has read my post before knows I lost my daughter to her BF and SM in 2004 because I was too nice and let them get away with too much.

In 2002 my husband and I went and had our wills done. Before making my will, I spoke to my ex about custody issues concerning my daughter in the event of my death. I told him I would obviously list him as the primary person to get custody in the event of my death. The question was who would get custody if BF was not able to take her. BF and I agreed to let DD decided between her SM and my sister who has always been second in line. DD said she would rather live with SM so that she could still grow up with her brother and sisters.

My Will states that in the event of my death DD is to go to her BF and if he is unable or unavailable to take her she would then go to her SM. I no longer have custody so if anything happened to me now, she already lives with her dad.

I don't understand why more Ex's don't take care of that sort of thing and think about the kids and their siblings.

KB

I have seen this many many times with both my daughter and my step children. It amazes me the things that parents tell their kids to keep secret in the first place. Who really cares?!

My DD would come home from her BF's and I would ask "how was your weekend?" She would just say fine. "Did you do anything?" We went to Grandmas house. I would say Cool how is Grandma doing and then DD would say why do you have to ask so many questions? It is non of your business what I do when I am with my dad and I don't like you asking questions!!

Well alright then! LOL

So what do you do? If you never ask then you don't care and if you do ask then you are asking about things that are non of your business. Including a visit to grandma's house.

My step children often "slip" as you put it and immediately cover their mouths and look at each other with their eyes wide... Opps
Then the others will step in and tell the one who slipped that, that didn't happen or that they are lying. It can be pretty messy.

So what I usually do is tell them that we already knew about what ever it is. Many times we do already know because their mom tells them not to tell us things that we already know about. It is really stupid. By telling the kids that we already knew and that it is either okay or it doesn't matter then they usually feel better about the slip and go on about their business. (One slip was my SD said something about her niece and all the kids got this scared look on their faces like they had just let a giant cat out of the bag. I asked what was wrong and SD said they weren't supposed to tell us about her. I reminded SD that they were with us on a visit when the niece was born so we already knew about her.)

BM has the kids all upset thinking they have to keep everything a secret and once the kids know we already know about that and know that the world didn't come to an end because they slipped, then things are better.

Your son is bringing up financial matters. My advice would be two things. Think about how you would feel if every purchase you made was scrutenized (sp) by the ex. The second would be don't ever use what your son has told you against his mother. If she is doing something that she shouldn't be, then it is completely up to you and your attorney to get that information. Your son would never trust you again if he knew that something he told you was used to hurt his mother.

Good luck
KB

Hey Chris, Glad to hear you are finally going to make it to Colorado.

Just a thought on # 12 on your list. I had/have concerns that my ex will leave with my daughter so our court order states....

It is ordered that, should (CP), relocate outside of (the county he lives in) or contiguous counties, he shall pay 100% of the cost of travel to and from the residence of KB. It is further ordered that (CP) shall give KB at least sixty days notice of his intent to relocate outside or that geographical area.

Basically if he moves I have 60 days to fight it, If I choose not to fight it or he moves anyway then I still keep my same court ordered visitation and he has to pay to get her to me for that visitation.

Just thought something like that may help with your wording.

Good luck and enjoy your new time with your daughter.

KB

I'm trying to avoid having to make all those copies again wendl.

It is my understanding that the law states, unless they have an order on file saying DH can't have the rocords they have to release them.

I just want to verify that before I waste certified postage sending out my letters.

Thanks for the imput, I really appreciate the feedback.

KB