Messages

how old is your child/ren?

Once they his 12 or 13 they can say what they want. Until then I couldn't really tell you how much of a fight you will have.

KB

First of all, welcome all newcomers to the site. There are sites out there for non-custodial moms but many of them are getting very difficult to join.

I wanted to address this to mama concerning her D.

I agree with the post that D needs to get sober and stay sober for a while then go back to court for additional visitation. I dont think she should go back asking for full custody or anything drastic like that, she needs to show that she understands that her ability to be a good mother was impaired and she has corrected that. She also needs to show that she feels it is in GD's best interest that their relationship be rebuilt slowly with regular visitation with the posibility of increasing that visitation in the future.

If D goes in after 6 months and says I have been sober for 6 months and I want my daughter back, the courts will probably send her right back to the bottle with their response. She needs to be realistic about her request if she wants the best chance to have more time with her daughter.

Here is what she should do in the mean time.

DD needs to make up a letter form.. something like this.

              Alcoholic Anonymous meeting Attendance Record
                                 for (DD's Name)


    Date          /  Meeting or Group Name      /   Location          /   Witness Signature

________   /     ____________________    /  _________   /               ______________  
________      /      ____________________    /  _________    /     _____________  

Continue with enough lines for several meetings. The courts are going to want proof that she has been and is attending 5 to 7 meetings a week. At each meeting she can take her signature form to the person leading the meeting that week and as them to complete it for her.
This way when she goes to court, she has something to show them that she has been attending regularly and for how long. (If she doesn't have this, it may delay her request for changes because they may tell her they need 6 months to a year of this record in addition to what ever time she has already been sober before they will consider her request.

The next thing she should do it submit to random testing once a month. That would just mean that once a month she would go by her Dr's office and get a urine test. Tell them that she needs the results mailed to her.

In addition to the attendance records, this will show that she has also been regularly tested and the results have shown negative.

She should also get employment to eventually become more independant. The courts are going to look at her ability to keep a job as another sign that she is sober and getting her life in order.

Just my thoughts, hope they help

KB

He does not need to help pay for you to visit, nor should you expect him too.

In some cases courts have parents split the cost of the children going for visitation. That would mean BM and BF meeting half way to pick up and drop off the kids, or CP paying to fly the children to NCP home for visitation ad NCP paying to get the kids back home. (Or spliting the cost of round trip)

You say you miss your daughter, you say your ex won't let you see her, then you said that he offered to meet you for dinner or at the park. If you want a relationship with her and the possibility of getting visitation changed, you need to make the effort to go to where she lives and visit in any way you can. You should be responsible to pay for it as well. How can you tell a judge, I really miss her and I want to see her but only if he pays for it? A judge is going to want proof that you have changed and that if he goes to the trouble of changing the current order, you will have the ability and desire to act on that change.

You do not seem ready to do that. Remember, your daughter hasn't seen you in two years. I don't blame anyone who refuses to allow a child to go out of state to see NCP after two years. You need to visit her and get to know her again first.

I understand not wanting SM there when you visit. Maybe you could ask BF to meet you at a park and sit where he can see you and your daughter but not get involved in the visit. That is what we did the first time we saw my husbands kids after two years. We all met in a park. BM sat in her car and read a book while we enjoyed time with the kids. It was a nice start and after 5 more visits where DH traveled to see them, and 8 months later he was granted his change in visitation request and the children have been coming to see us since. DH pays 100% of the travel cost involved.

You have to do your part and not expect others to do it for you.

KB

Thanks forthelittleones,
        I had thought about filing a complaint but I wasn't sure who to file it with.

They have not denied my request in writing. I have only spoken to them over the phone. As a matter of fact I have only spoken to (I guess) the receptionist who answers the phone. The therapist that actually did my daughters evaluation refused to speak to me according to the receptionist. She said the therapist won't get invovled in our dispute. I told her there isn't any dispute, I just want to talk to her about the evaluation and I want a copy for my records. It was the receptionist that said they ONLY send out one copy of the report to the patient. That is when I told her the patient is a minor and she said they have Mom as the contact person. (Really SM)  I said what about the doctor? she said that they would send a copy to the doctor who made the request, but I now know that was never done. I have tried to call so that I can talk to the owner of the center, but I haven't been able to get through as of yet.  

So don't call? Only write a letter? When I write should I go ahead and send them a copy of my CO or just state in the letter that I have legal rights to a copy of my daughters record? You said they have 10 days to respond, is that per HIPPA? or do I give them that time frame in my letter?

The sad part is that no-one knows my daughters history or case like I do and they won't even allow me to be involved.

Thanks again for the info
KB

Thank you for the responses. I guess that is another big loop whole in the system.  You always hear how Step Parents have no legal say when it comes to their step children, then they have it in the federal law that anyone who claims to be taking care of a child can get any info they want on them??? A Guardian or someone acting as a guardian??? Unbelievable!!!!!
If the courts want the step parents to have legal say over step children then they should list them in the CO. It makes me sick that SM can sign for anything she wants to and there is nothing I can do about it..

Want an abortion???? No Problem..I'm your Smother I can sign for that.. Want a boob job??? No Problem.. don't need a parent for that..
SM just took her to the GYN last week and got her on birth control... Who gives a crap what Mom thinks.... GRRRR!!

Sorry, don't mean to sound pissy, but I have been the only one for 14 years to have anything to do with her medical care or schooling. Now in the past 3 months, I have had my daughters school contact SM for permission to release records to me, and had a medical provider refuse to release information to me stating that they would not get involved in a custody dispute and that the record was being mailed to the patient. I said the patient is a minor and they said we have Mom listed as the contact person and it will be mailed to her address. I said I'M THE MOM!!  They told me that they would be sending a copy to the Dr who requested the service and that I would have to get the record from them. I did get the records from the Dr. and there was no record of the evaluation. Dr's office said they never received anything.
So twice in 3 months SM has been given more rights then BM...

Some loop whole they have there isn't it??? Not to mention the all powerful PRIVACY ACT!!! OMG!! Don't get me started...

KB

I should have posted this a week ago, Guess I was trying not to think about it, but now that Spring Break is over, I have to decide if I am going to follow through or not.

DD was over the weekend before last. Saturday I was getting ready for my ODD baby shower and went out to the mailbox to hang balloons. Just so happen the mail person delivered the mail while I was standing there.
I went back in the kitchen and DD (Who has lived with BF and SM for almost a year) says, did you get my progress report?
I looked at her and said why would I get your progress report, you don't live here.  
DD said, well you get a copy too don't you?
I said only if I request it.

Of course at this point my mind starts going like crazy, wondering why she would ask me something like that.

You see, back in January I contacted the principle of her school by e-mail and explained who I was and that I needed to know what the school would need from me in order for me to receive her report cards and ARD review records. I told her I understood that I may need to provide documentation or sign something, I just needed to know what, and what was the best way to go about getting it to the school. I mentioned in my e-mail that the principle could check my daughters records and see that my name was on all her records prior to August of last year when she was enrolled in their school. I also asked that she not confuse me with my DD SM who has the same first name as I do.

Two days later I had a message on my phone at work from the principle stating that she had given my e-mail to the registrar who would be contacting me about getting my daughters report card and had also given the information to the Diagnostician at the school for the ARD records............. I Was Shocked!! I called my sister and asked if I should be concerned that my DD new school would release records so freely. After 1 email to the principle and 1 e-mail the the registrar I have both the report card and the ARD records mailed to my home.

Okay... back to the conversation with DD about receiving her progress report.

After thinking for a minute, I said ... so since you brought it up, I'm guessing you know I have requested your report card before?
DD said yes...
I said, how did you know that I requested your records?
DD said, cause the school called and asked SM (by name) if it was ok....

Okay.... Bad mom alert!!! I couldn't stop myself... I have been keeping my mouth shut about many things over the last few months and I was not going to let this one go.

I told DD that it was unbelievable to me that the school would call someone who doesn't even have a legal right to the records I was requesting to get permission to release them???????
I told DD that, that REALLY pissed me off and that I would be contacting the school and the school board to file a complaint. I said I don't care how many people tells she is your MOTHER.... she will never be. I said her name is NO-WHERE in our custody papers and the fact that not only does your school mail your school information directly to your SM they call her for permission to release records to your REAL MOTHER!?!?!
(DD report cards are not mailed to the parents of (child) they are not mailed to the BF... They are addressed to DD SM.....UGH!!!

Sorry for venting... what do you all think???
Should I follow trough with filing a complaint? Am I right in having a serious problem with the school not only contacting SM about releasing records to me but that they are allowing her to give permission for anything  at all??? If they had asked for a copy of the CO, or my ID or anything I would have fully expected that and provided it with no problem.



Thank for any imput you may have.
KB

P.S. SM called DD later that evening to let her know that her progress report came.. I only know the two worst grades.. an 11 in English and a 63 in Algebra. (She is doing so much better with them...don't you think)

Just wanted to update after the appointment.

I was SHOCKED!! when I arrived for the appointment, daughter was there with dad (BF). He didn't find a way to make me take care of it as I thought he would.

I could tell during the appointment that he was trying to show DD he is being totally cooperative. BF and SM want DD to believe I am the one who starts all the problems, so with both of us there with her, he told me about an upcoming appointment that she has scheduled, and let me see what future appointments are scheduled for the doctor we saw today.

There wasn't much said between us today but for DD we were cordial with each other.

Spoke to the doctor breifly and thanked him for intervening in the driving thing. He said no problem and that he totally agreed with me. Dr said that PT has been keeping him posted.

After I spoke to the Dr. BF went in and requested a note stating that DD needed the special ed drivers training so that he could be reimbursed for it. Dr had nurse write something up for him.

After BF and DD left, I spoke to the Dr again and he told me what BF had asked for. I told him he is trying to get something to say her driving is medically necessary so that he can get reimbursed by me.

So, that bridge has been crossed and I will just have to wait and see what comes of BF threat to take me back to court.  I hope that the sudden change in DD is because she now sees that I have been totaly honest with her all these years and that BF and SM were making empty promises when they told her different.

Thanks to all who responded with advice and support.
KB

Thank you backwardsbike,
I did understand what you were trying to say. I am really enjoying the time I am getting with my daughter. The best part is it is all her idea. I'm not asking, or making her come.
What I went through last year was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life! I would not wish that on my worst enemy! If not for my dh, I don't know if I would have survived it. I did survive and the thought of it happening again scares me to death.
I ask my daughter if she had spoken to her dad about me going to the Dr appointment, or if there were going to be any problems with me being there and she said NO. I said no you didn't talk to your dad or no there won't be any problems. She said no there won't be any problems. I guess what I'm most worried about at this point is what I'm going to be walking in to. The other fear is that her BF has made if very obvious that if he can put her off on others he will. I don't know if my daughter told them that I was going and so they think I can just take her and they don't have too. Or if she didn't tell them and they will just be surprised when I arrive or what.
I fully expect to get a phone call the day before saying that they can't take her and I need to. (to which my sister told me to tell them NO) If her dad can't take her then the appointment will need to be rescheduled when he can. BF doesn't want her disabilities, he just wanted her away from me (revenge) he thought all the hard stuff was over, cause I took care of that. He has SM take her to all her appointments. SM enrolled her in school, BF didn't even go. SM has taken her to her Dr appointments and the evaluation.
You see, SM and daughter have the same last name so most don't even questions when SM says she is daughters mother. That is why she is able to take her to all her appointments and no-one questions her having the right to do so. Well my daughters specialist has been seeing her for over 11 years. He and all her therapist there know me very well and so when SM showed up they knew she wasn't mom and they were the first ones to say BF HAS TO BRING HER! SM can not sign for treatment, only a bio parent. Finally someone was able to force dad to participate in his daughters treatment. He has only gone to one appointment. I suspect if he knows I am planning to go, he will tell me to take her so he doesn't have to.
He needs to be responsible right?
Well, I don't want to make this long like my last post. Please don't get me wrong. I love my daughter and I am very glad that she is wanting to see me and spend time together. I just can't let her, BF or SM manipulate the situation so that I am again the one taking care of her medical needs. He wanted her and he lied to her and told her she didn't need any of this stuff. So he needs to be the one to deal with it. I know that sounds harsh and it sounds like I am letting my daughter down. I just keep reminding myself, that it hasn't been that long, they all need to get a taste of what I have lived for 14 years and allow my daughter to see that I never tried to trick him into taking care of things or threatened to take him back to court just because my daughters needs cost me money or lost me money as the case usually was.

I'm rambling again.... Just scared is all, as sad as that sounds.
I will follow your advice and just enjoy the times we have together and try not to stress about the bridges I haven't gotten too yet.

I need to know what you all think of this. I'll start with a some back ground.
My DD has Cerebral Palsy, I spent the 1st 14 years of her life working with her, working with Dr's and therapist. DD has had multiple surgeries which have required me to take long periods of time off work unpaid. Since the day DD was diagnosed BF has denied anything is wrong with her. I have tried to keep him informed and everything I said went in one ear and out the other. He and his wife have spent the last 12 years telling DD that her disability is either not that bad or non existent. BF and SM never made her wear her braces or do stretches, always told her that I was just being negative trying to hold her back.
Well a couple of years ago I started making inquiries about her ability to drive and what we will have to do when the time comes that she wants to be licensed. In Tx you can get your license at 16. Well BF has been giving me a really hard time and we have had words on several occasions because I have told DD that she will not get a car from me when she turns 16. I can not afford to get her a car and I did not provide a car to my oldest so I would not be able to get her one either. I found out that DD would need to be evaluated to determine her abilities in operating a vehicle, I found out that she would probably need to take a special driving course and need modifications. All of this including the expense was discussed with BF and SM. BF and SM said they couldn't afford to help with the cost. I told DD that I could not afford to pay for it and that she may have to wait until she was 18 so that we could request assistance from the Texas Rehabilitation Commission. My daughter has been very upset that she would have to wait and of course BF and SM fueled her anger by telling her that she didn't need all of that special stuff. They told her that she could be parent taught to drive with no modifications. When DD was around 12, BF and SM adopted two teens, a girl 16 and a boy 4 mo older then DD. DD also has another teen sister at BF home. (SM DD from 1st marriage)

So, while all this discussion has been going on over the last couple of years, the two older sisters at BF's house have gotten their license and their own car at 16. Older brother started getting to drive (practice) when he was around 13 or 14. I told BF that I did not want him or anyone else trying to teach DD how to drive normally because she is going to require the special training and I did not want her to get confused with different instruction.  
I believe the driving thing was a big decision maker for DD when she went to live with BF and SM last May. They told her that if she lived with them she could be parent taught to drive and she would get her own car when she turned 16. By parent teaching her they told her that she wouldn't need any modifications and she would not have to take a driving test with a DPS officer, no-one but her BF who says there is nothing wrong with her would ever know how she could or couldn't handle the vehicle.
When we were going through the custody changes last year I told my attorney I was very concerned about the driving thing and I wanted something in the papers about her being tested by someone other then her BF. My attorney said that he felt it would just add fuel to the fire and he suggested that I contact DD Dr and ask him to submit a letter to the Dept of Transportation stating she has a disability and he recommends that she is tested. That way it would be noted with the state.
I contacted Dr and explained what was going on, he had DD come in 6 mo early for her check up so that he could (just happen) to bring up the driving thing and take care of it. I have never missed an appointment with my daughter and I told BF that although I wanted to go to this appointment, He had to be the one to take her since she lives with him now. BF said he would take her and that i didn't need to be there. If I went he would not and he needed to take some responsibility so I didn't go. Well, as it turns out BF didn't go either. He sent DD with SM, and Dr was ticked. DD condition has worsened since she has been with BF and SM because they don't make her wear her brace or stretch. Dr wants to start treatment to try and correct the problem but couldn't cause SM can't sign for treatment. The appointment had to be rescheduled so that BF would take her. While SM had DD at the appointment, she said that she had been SM for 12 years, and told the Dr that BF was going to parent teach DD to drive. The Dr put a stop to that real quick. He explained that with DD's disability she may not be able to drive and that if they are determined to get her licensed now then she needed to be evaluated first.  Then after hearing why DD needed the additional treatment because of DD not wearing her brace and hearing from the Dr that DD would have special driving needs SM says to the Dr. "we have only been weekend parents we had no idea" NO IDEA!!! you have seen this child in a wheel chair on multiple occasions, I have kept them informed of her progress even though they didn't want to be, they both argued about the fact that she had special needs, then she is going to tell the Dr. they had no idea? Grrrrrrrrr!!!

I know this is really long and I apologize.
DD and I had a good relationship before last April when all this stuff hit the fan. DD referred to time alone with me as good one on one in January then in May said she was scared to be alone with me because I act like the perfect mother in front of other people, but I am really mean to her when we are alone. ??? There was a dramatic change in the way she acted toward me, saying she was scared of me, she wouldn't let me touch her, no hugs or anything. I did not get any regular visitation in the custody change, only standard holidays. During the few visits I have had over the past 10 mo DD would spend most of the time in her room with the door closed, she wouldn't spend any time with me or anyone else in the house. We rarely spoke on the phone and when we did it was brief and full of lies. (on her part) So this is the way the relationship has been for the past 10 months.
SM took DD for her driving evaluation on 2/14 (no BF didn't go). DD was upset after the appointment because they said they didn't know if she would be able to drive. They tried several modifications and DD wasn't able to use any of them very well.  (BF says she FAILED the evaluation)

First of all, I would like to say that is why I was so concerned about her being parent taught. She is as disabled as I have said and even the professionals say she needs modifications and special training, and even that may not be enough.

Okay... so here is my dilemma.. On 2/16 I got a bill from SM for 50% of the evaluation. 3 days later I get a call from DD saying that she wants to come over and spend the night. SM was going to take her to a friends school program near me and DD wanted me to pick her up. I agreed then DD called back and said SM changed her mind and said she didn't want to take DD to the program. I picked DD up and took her to the program then she spent the night. We had a great time together (just like old times) and I even got a hug and a kiss before she went to bed.
WOW... what a change!! but this is good right?
Well DD calls last weekend and ask if she could come spend the weekend this weekend. OMG again!! not only does she want to come over, she plans to spend the whole weekend!
I sent a letter to BF and told him that driving is not medically necessary and that I would not be responsible for 50% of the evaluation, training, or modifications. BF called me after SM got the letter and said I would pay it and that he is talking me back to court to enforce the order and while we are there is going to have the child support increased as well.
BF and SM had lied to DD and themselves when they thought they could get her licensed and it wasn't going to cost them a dime because I was making all that stuff up. Now they and DD know that I was telling the truth and in fact it may be worse then even I thought. BF and SM are trying to claim this is a medical expense so that they can force me to pay for something I said I couldn't pay for when she lived with me.
DD called right after BF and we were talking about her coming over, I asked if she knew about the letter and she said yes. DD said that she was glad that she and I were getting our relationship back and she didn't want anything to mess that up again. She said that she told BF and SM the same thing and that she didn't want to be in the middle.  I said ok. The only thing I have said about it since was to tell her that if she wants to know why I am doing anything they say I'm doing, that I want her to know she can ask me. I told her that I just don't want her to assume what ever they tell her is fact. She said ok.
DD came over this weekend and although it wasn't as long as it had been planned we had a nice time. DD is planning to come over two weekends from now for the weekend too. As I have with all her Dr. appointments I asked if she wanted me to go to the appointment that is scheduled next week. She said she didn't care just like she always does, but then she doesn't want me to know what time the appointment is or anything. (I want it to be something she wants!) Well after I took her home last night, she called and said thanks for letting her come over, she had a good time. I said me too. Then DD said you can come to the Dr if you want too, the appointment is at 12:30. Before hanging up, she said I will see you there.

Question? Did DD find out that BF and SM have been lying to her all this time and I have in fact been telling her the truth so now she feels bad about what she has done and truly wants to rebuild our relationship?
or
Is she manipulating me? for what purpose? maybe she thinks she can get me to pay for it? I can't.. If they can get all their other children cars and licenses, then they can do that for her at their own expense.
I don' t know if I trust her after everything that has happened. She has been hugging on me, she laid in my lap and watched a movie, All very nice, close, bonding stuff.. but why all of the sudden? This change has been as quick as the first. I don't know if I should be on guard or be glad that this is happening.

What do you all think?

That is exactly what is going on in our case too. She moved in with her BF and SM last May and in that time her SM has gotten her an acting agent, her navel pierced, a second piercing in her ears when she didn't even wear earings in the first pierching. She was promised her a car with no modifications, and a drivers license with no driving test. That was after getting her a cell phone. The grass is totally greener, but un realistic and she is finding that out now. The original agreement was that she would live with him until Dec 2004, with no legal changes and we would both sign an agreement that no child support would be paid either way. My ex said something about my telling my daughter even if she changed her mind I would not let her come back home. I told him that I have always told her if she wanted to go live with her dad she could but it would not be a back and forth who do I like this week game. I told him that is exactly why I want her to have this time to make sure before any legal changes are made. I told him if she decides to stay with you and we legally change custody, then she is not coming back to my house until after the court order is over. My ex filed for the custody change in July or August and it was final in Oct. So much for waiting, he wanted to make sure I wouldn't take her back if she changed her mind.
 I don't play all the buy me games, I told her after she said she want to go live with them that I would not try to buy her back and I haven't. We had a really good visit last weekend, she actually gave me a hug before going to bed. I haven't had one of those from her in about 10 months, It was very cool!!!