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TJ - Good Stuff!

You are on the ball, and and I have a very good sense that you can write a hell of a hot affadavit. I mean, really, you have only written here a few times and you have a treasure trove of goodies. Excellent for you.
Best thing that I can remind you is to put each of these very strong examples in your affadavit. If the ref thinks it its too long, you would likely only get a mild scolding in person. Fine by me. I wish mine had been much denser, more examples!

But, I did have the good advice of going to the extreme - and I suggest this for you, as well - ONLY supervised visitation. I did not cite enough examples but I did get  - for xH - the minimum vis - only about 8 hrs. a week. Good, but I wanted to keep it really tight, so I recently had to give a bit (we added 5 more hrs  week, he picks up our 2 yr old from daycare 2x a week, which I thnk is good for our son, actually) so I didn't look like the hysterical mom in front of the mediator. Oh, if only my obvious fear of this man made a difference to the mediator who has seen it all. If only my tears were familiar to him, day after day after day. But, he just wasn't convinced that  my All-American Boy ex, former school teacher, was a bad influence (!!)  Aghhh....

As far as overnights.. oh, do I shudder at the thought! Give an inch and they become the ruler(!), as we say in the BPD world! (sound familiar??) He cuts our sons gorgeous hair when he gets anxious, feel out of control... sicko. The first time, I was livid  - he knew we were going for the 1st haircut the following week - he took the pillowy white curls that will never happen again. When I asked him why - he told me "becasue he looked white trash!"  Huh??? I could cry again right now. I gave this beautiful child this twisted father.

And the X's family was no help either. I reached out to them yrs ago, they wouldn't respond. Each of them has mental illness, too, and sadly, oh my genetic nightmare, I DO NOT EXAGGERATE. And of course, X tells them that i am the crazy one!! BPD can be rather easily passed on, and I will be damned if my son has to live in that eternal inner hell.

Anyway, if you want to learn anymore, go back to the Nook site. I have the same posting name. Lots of stories there. Has become my journaling, really.
Say, did you notice yet that children of BPD Mothers call them Momster?? That is universal. And again, so so tragic.

Yes, you do need someone to talk to about this! It could be the most emotionally and mentally challenging event of your life. But well worth it on the other side.

Anytime - keep up the good work!
Lisa

TJ -
A "persuasive blamer" is a  parallel term for
Borderline Personality Disorder[d Person].

Amazing how they can convince the public that they are the VICTIM.
They have incredible skills of persuasion, and they combine that with the blame...  they cannot take responsibility for their actions.... and hey, they win again! Except that no one ever wins with a Borderline.

"They change the facts to fit their feelings" - good one to remember, TJ!

I am going through it once again with my xH. I feel like such a fool now, because when I met him, he sure sounded like he had been wronged all over the place, and the poor guy just must have really bad judgment about people - who "used him." (his words - later I found that I "used him too!" - but I was, indeed, the sucker who had been used. It was so sad. I was sure going to protect him.. was going to keep all the bad guys away!) Now he tells everyone that I ruined it all. I was so darn in love with him that I turned myself inside out trying to please him... so sad, so sad for our son.

Again, I cannot diagnose this woman, but, unfortunately, she fits the bill point for point/example for example. BPD. Don't worry about you sorting out if she is 5 out of 9. No one really does. Just skim though the forum and you will know.

All the examples that you have listed here ought to be included in your parenting affadavit. (even the booty call history - very very critical) This is your very first meeting with the ref, yes?
Well, fill up that paper  - I did not get the best advice there and I cringe now realizing that was my big chance to stack the deck! Agh! I had spoken to some really wimpy atty's who didn't understand the brevity of the situation.

Get all those witness' affadavits typed out, notarized and don't wory that it is only family. You simply point out that no one knows her because she is "always on the run." Borderlines (BPD) are on the run their whole lives - because someone else "made them do it!"

Oh boy, TJ, go back to the site and peruse it till you find some of your own story echoed, echoed... I can already think of many many stories that mirror yours completely. (The woman in question sounds like a classic sociopath.) Those other devoted loving step-moms will give you great advice!

Can't believe I am still up late. But saw that you had responded and your tale is compelling. So many online comrades have seen me through these completely irrational situations, and they are all somewhere else in the world. When you get so much help, you know that passing it on truly will make the world go round. So, since your story is a local story maybe that makes me feel all the more useful. After a few years with a Borderline, your self-esteem is completely eroded, you are wobbly, unsure of yourself - they want to feel the sick feelings that they do. That's why I can relate to your son. In some ways, I feel his pain, too. But he may never heal from his pain. He's heard a lifetime of lies already; he just doesn't trust.  

Custody Eval  - will make or break this case. It will HAVE to be done. Should insist on Psych Eval too - and watch her FREAK out in every way. Money is tough, yes, ask the county how to manage it. As frugal as I am, I am not even considering skipping a step.

Ohh, OK gotta go to sleep. But go back to the site - your "other woman" has a thousand twins! They are ruthless - they feel nothing - so need to bring out the big guns now.
hang in there - be strong - you are he healthy one!
best to you - Lisa

#1 - LET HER try to postpone the date. It will reflect badly on her  - and you are going to need the time to prepare with all the new information that you are going to learn this week. (!!) Truly. When you are ready, I will send you another batch of links  that will teach you even more about what you can do with a "persuasive blamer."

TJ - have you checked out the website?
I refer people to it all the time. Amazing how often, really. There are so many us affected by the turmoil that Personality Disorders cause.

As for the 8-yr old, I think that you know all too well that the permanent damage is done. Toxic environments for children up to age 7 create permanent problems. Amazing how their personality, their fears, etc are completely ingrained.

But you can start the healing process now for him rather than let him stagger through life without the coping skills needed to survive and thrive.

He really needs your rescue!
Document, Document, Document

Lisa

Hello TJ -
I do not have Referee Leppanen assigned to our case... but your posting was a very very familiar scenario... well, except that I am the [healthy] xW and my xH is the nutty mentally ill one.

Now I will not proceed to diagnose your husband's ex - - but it very much sounds like  a mental illness that is remarkably common, yet very rarely spoken of.

Please check out this website - there are many forums for you - better and much more active than this one.

//www.bpdcentral.com/nookboard

Take a gander and see if you don't recognize your troublemaker very quickly.
This website will lead you to some brilliant websites that will give you a lot of the answers that you are looking for, so I think.... legal and otherwise. (You have a lot of options, but you must get very very tough now.)

That website has saved my sanity countless times over the last year. Just when I thought that NO ELSE had seen what I had seen, then I meet thousands of others..

Your husband and his son are so very very lucky to have you as their advocate and protector. I truly think that you can win this thing!!

good luck - and contact me if you need to - -

Lisa