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 Well, she was in town last weekend and I had a chance to see her. I took her to lunch and tried to play it cool. I just got a great job here in Arizona (finally!) and have been staying clean. Anyhow, she was cold and bitter still and we parted with a bad taste in my mouth. She lost her job and is going to move in with her mother until the baby is born in August. I agreed to send her $500 a month until the baby is born so she can pay her bills and not stress about getting a job while she's pregnant. I'll have to keep living where I'm at (it's transitional housing for homeless veterans) and riding the bus for a while but it's worth it I think. She says she's not going to move. It hurts that I won't get to see my son very much for the first year but there's no future for me. financially in Colorado. I hope I'm doing the right thing by staying but I'll be able to provide for him better here. Perhaps she'll come around and see there's no future in a dying rural town. It broke my heart when she told me she didn't want me to be in the delivery room. I don't get to see my first born son being born??? I can't bear that thought.  Maybe she'll soften up after a few payments go her way. She sent me an email a few days ago apologizing for the way she treated me last weekend and that she thinks we may be able to get along. I know some of you may see her as heartless, etc but understand this. From her point of view I was a drug addicted loser who couldn't be trusted to keep his word. It's not about the money for me. It's about proving I'm not that guy anymore.(over 3 months clean!)

Thank you for your point of view. In my heart I believe the child is mine. I love her and would do anything to be a family. I'm struggling with the concept that that may not be possible. I help in any little way I can right now. I just got a job and will continue to live in the rehab until I finish thhe program. Oddly enough she emailed me today and she's coming into town saturday. I will have a chance to sit down and talk and I'll post what happened. I will try to give her as many options as I can. It is just difficult to hold back the part of me thatloves her and just wants to beg her to stay. I learned my lesson the hard way. Getting emotional just turns her off! As far as the dating site goes I would not deny her happiness however the general consensus among the men when asked if they would date a pregnant woman was, "No, but I'd f*%k one!" She's not dating. Just having men over for sex.

J

It's a bit of a story but I don't know where else to turn. My girlfriend (Margaret)moved out of the state last summer. (I'm in AZ. She moved to CO.) In November I took her on a trip to Jamaica to celebrate my being cancer free. She chose to break contact after but in Feb this year she came into town for work and told me she just found out she's pregnant. Not only that she was having the abortion two days later. This was a miracle considering doctors told me I was sterile due to the cancer treatments. When I asked if she had considered other options she refused to speak about it and returned to Colorado. I tried everything I could think of to save the life of my unborn child but she refused to even consider it. My sister even offered to raise the child. In a last ditch effort I called Margaret's sister and explained the situation, begging her to call Margaret and at least think about adoption. Margaret was furious. She did not want her family to know about the abortion. She cut off all contact and I prayed and began to grieve. Two weeks ago she emailed me. "Having baby. It's a boy."
    Little background before I go on: Our relationship started wonderfully until I got sick. Basically she took care of me financially while I spiraled down into depression and drug abuse. I was terrible to everyone in my life. We were terrible to each other but I never stopped loving her. I checked myself into a residential rehab and have been clean 3 months. (An eternity for a Meth abuser!) I found work and will never touch drugs again. My son is due in Aug and the desire to be a good father consumes me. It tears my heart out that I can't be there to see him grow inside her. But that is my punishment for my sins, I recon. I don't know if she plans on moving back to Az or staying in Co. I will move where our son is. I want to be there for the birth and to help with feedings, etc. but need advice. I have a good job in Az now and will be able to start providing for them in a couple months. (I'm staying at the treatment center to save money. It's subsidized since I'm a veteran.) I've already started mailing her what little I can. Margaret nor her family can see how I've changed because they live out of state. And they have no reason to believe what I sat since all they've ever known was a lying drug-addict. I believe our son shoulld have both his parents. In my perfect dream I want us to be a family someday. I want to be their hero. She's having my son and I'm still in love with her. If this is not possible I want us to be cooperative co-parents with only his best interests in mind. I know I need to concentrate on getting my life back on track but I can't stop the pain of not being with them. To make it worse Margaret has started dating men she meets on the internet. She's 6 mos pregnant! It's killing me. The type of man who would date a woman 6mos pregnant can't be the healthiest kind of man! In the end I would never deny her her happiness. The best gift I can give my son right now is to love and respect his mother. Please advise. Thank you for reading this. They'll be shorter from now on.

Jay