Messages

NO. GO GO GO.

Beg, borrow, get a lawyer. NOW, while he's still got some leverage. My dh went an entire year without his daughter for her 6th year- don't let your fiance go through that torment. When she finally came back, she didn't "remember" stuff we had done- said her "new daddy" has "known her longer" than dh, called him by his first name. Very awkward and sad to see dh so upset because of that miserable woman! Don't let yours go through that. Dh wanted partial custody but was told no since she hadn't evne seen him in a year- that it wasn't good for her. Now after 2 years he's scared to file again... Get it while he still can!

Document. Dictate phone calls. You can't use half of it, but Murphey's law says the one piece you don't keep you'll need.

Snoopy people :(

>... When she would go off, he
>would quietly ask her if there was anything she needed to tell
>him about the children. She would just scream louder, so he
>would say good-bye, get in the car & drive away, leaving her
>screaming in the parking lot.
>
>It took about 5 or 6 weeks but eventually she realized that
>nothing she said could provoke him to fight & she stopped.


This is excellent advice! I'm not a therapist yet (and wasn't even in school when husband and I met), but I used this advice on  my husband. When I met him, they would still have screaming fights. On the phone, I could hear her clear as a bell from a totally different room in the house. It was rediculous! I had to put my foot down and tell my husband that he is *NOT* to raise his voice at her, he is *NOT* to call her names, he is *NOT* to bait her or respond to her bait. It was like when he talked to her he turned into an irrational goon!

He was to keep the discussion about step-daughter only. If she goes off, hang up. Seriously. I made him hang up on her. I also made him hang up if HE started to yell or bait. At first it pissed her off, but then she realized that she couldn't manipulate him anymore, she was not in control of him (it was one of those, "I don't want you, but you have to keep wanting me and doing what I say" relationships). THAT sent her into a spin that led to my husband not seeing his daughter for a year until we took her to court for contempt.

Now she's remarried, we suspect medicated from passing comments from her and step-daughter, and on her 2nd kid by new husband (who seems to be a pretty ok guy so far). She is a LOT more mellow, and we don't have to worry about screaming fights anymore. AND we see step-daughter pretty regularly, although my husband is still afraid to fix the visitation as she verbally agreed to (some holiday alterations), or to file for joint legal without changing primary physical.

I have some things for you to consider, before you sign your child's life away.

One- in most cases it will not remove your child support obligation.

Two- my husband went a year without seeing his daughter, and it tore him up. We were able to beg and borrow money, putting us into debt, to force visitation with his daughter. Despite being in contempt in several different ways, she got a "now now, don't do that". Although my husband now sees his daughter regularly and his ex has chilled out. We believe it is because her new husband is a pretty decent guy and keeps her in line. I cringe at the thought of her with some power-trip jerk or if she had stayed single and un-medicated (oh yes, medicated).

Our baby daughter now loves her big sissy, and my step-daughter is a smart, sweet and beautiful child that we love to bits. She loves her little sister, and she knows that her dad loves her and is willing to fight for her (she heard her mom's side and parroted to us- without bad-mouthing, we corrected a few things she told us). It breaks my heart to think that she would hve to grow up thinking her dad "didn't want her" (which is what CP told her).

Three- my father gave up on his first 2 kids from his first marriage. They grew up with all kinds of poison from their mother saying that he left her (lie, she left him and moved 1000 miles), and wouldn't pay child support (she told him to stay away OR she would file for child support), and that he was living up the rich life with his new family and kids in Florida and didn't care about them. THey grew up hating him. Literally hating him.

We have had contact with them, at a point we tried to work things out after they became adults- and after several years of my dad helping them financially for about 7 years (he has money now, but not when we were young- we shopped at food banks), he finally said "okay, you should be well off enough to take care of yoruselves now", they turned on him. It was horrible, and it tore my dad apart.