Messages

I have a life insurance policy through work and currently my daughter is the beneficiary.  I am currently in a custody battle with the BM and do not believe she is the best person to see that the money will go to my daughter's best interests should something happen to me.  

I am fairly well-educated, but not a lawyer; I can read and understand a contrat or an application.  Does anyone know of a way to execute a will or estate or trust so that I could empower someone more trustworthy with funds should I pass?

Thank you.

It is draining to describe all the details after a long day of arguing and and long evening of worrying.  Lot of stuff went on today, but I am learning that BM can say things and not mean all of them, so i will save a few hours of sleep for me and a few minutes of reading time for those concerned souls who read & advise (When/if I gain wisdom in this regard, I hope to become one of you)

I would just like to say that I just found the link on this sight entitled "What the heck do all these acronyms mean?" (I found it on FAQs, I think)and now I can begin to understand what else is going on in so many struggles described on this site.  

I wish all a well deserved good night's sleep to all with burning questions about the future of their children.

S.N.D.NY

My son was with my family for the majority of the holiday week-end out East in a beachtown.  A lovely time.  Upon my dropping him off at his momma's on Monday afternoon, we resolidified our plan to get this mediated quickly.  I am charged with "calling Kings County Family Court" and "finding out the next step".  What are the advatages/disadvantages of using a mediator? . . .?  My research begins.

My son was with my family for the majority of the holiday week-end out East in a beachtown.  A lovely time.  Upon my dropping him off at his momma's on Monday afternoon, we resolidified our plan to get this mediated quickly.  I am charged with "calling Kings County Family Court" and "finding out the next step".  What are the advatages/disadvantages of using a mediator? . . .?  My research begins.

Mommy picked him up from me today and indicated a renewed desire to have this mediated.  I have a job interview tomorrow and, after I knock that out of the park, I intend to make us an appointment with a mediator.  While I hope that she has come to her senses, I fear the motivations behind her reasonable offer may be her family's unwillingness to sponsor a lawyer to attack me.  Either way, I am relieved at this development and look forward to settling on an agreement.

Thanks to all for the input.  That was a scary few days.

I do not think that she will be able to get a R.O., but these ridiculous allegations still worry me.  So that is one of her threats from yesterday she will be unable to follow up on.  I spoke to her briefly today.  I am visiting my brother this afternoon and have told her to call me on my cell phone around 5 and I will give our son to her.

I have a gathering that I am planning in late September that I am really hoping my son will be at so I can introduce him/show him off to many of my friends whom I was unable to invite to his Christening.  Also I know she has plans to do some things on an upcoming week-end in September.   I have drawn up an impromptu document in regard to these dates and I will have it on me when we meet.  I will start the conversation by asking when I can see him again.  Depending on how that goes, I will present her with the piece of paper (presently containing blanks as far aws dates, times and our signatures.

Thanks for the advice although I am doubtful about her willingness to sign.

Today one of the worst mornings of my life, though I can't really complain since I got to spend the afternoon with my son.  For those of you read my last posting, Scared New Dad, you are familiar with the incident in early August.  

Following that incident, mommy & I have been careful in dealing with each other.  We have gotten along for the most part and have not discussed the incident much at all.  I took our son on vacation with my parents for a couple of days and mommy took our son on vacation with her family for 5 days.  Before she went away on vacation with him & her family, I came over in the evening as I was asked run an errand for her.  I asked her "do you really think that I put my hands on you inappropriately last week?"  She told me that she was tired and that we would talk about it when they got back.  She was not aware until today that I had filed a harassment complaint with the local precinct after the incident.

I went over to mommy's this morning to pick him up.  We were changing him together and mommy brought up that she would like to make an effort to feed him strictly organic food in the future.  I said that sounded great and I expressed a desire to talk about a couple of other things as far as the future went.  I asked that when we agree verbally that he will be with me on certain days, that such agreements would be honored.  This led directly to an argument over our differing accounts of what transpired on that fateful day when she accused me of "putting my hands on her", told me "I just f%$#ed myself", threatened to call the police, punched me in the nose and walked out of my parents' house with our child.  According to the documentation/memory of that day she expressed to me, I was red eyed (which she took as a sign that I was hung-over, or drunk, as she put it) and she took him away because she felt unfit.  In reality, I had been napping on the couch waiting for her because she was due at my house at 8:30 and arrived at 9.  She took him away because she doesn't like when I disagree with her.  During the argument today, at a point when I made what she considered to be an obnoxious comment, she grabbed my nose and shook it.  Does this seem like the action of a woman who is afraid of me physically?

During the argument today about the events a few weeks ago, she said "don't think that that event wasn't documented", to which I foolishly replied "double documented!"      When questioned, I revealed that I had gone down to the precinct after the incident and filed a harassment complaint. . .not my brightest move.  Her basic stance became that because I had involved the police, the gloves were off and she would get a restraining order against me, immediately get a lawyer (with family $$ - I presume she has convinced her people that I am some kind of jerk) , and seek sole custody.  She demanded and received my copy of the keys to her apartment.  She told me to get out of her house numerous times and each time I picked up my empty carseat and my bag and moved to go she stopped me and told me that she would not stop me from seeing my son again (like she had that day – and the reason behind me filing the complaint).  When I finally got kicked out without him, it was pouring outside, so I stayed under the awning and called my cousin to talk things out.  During that conversation, mommy called me on my phone and told me I could have him until 6:00 today.  She came outside with him and I brought him home to my folks' place.

I got back home around noon and fed him some grub and collected myself.  I spoke with my mother, cousin and friend (he is lawyer, though not a family lawyer).  About 2:30, I called up mommy and asked if he could stay with me overnight tonight (it is my mother's birthday) and she agreed that our son would stay with me until 5 tomorrow.  Mommy then made a last ditch peace offer saying that if I would withdraw the complaint from the precinct than she would reconsider our earlier plan to mediate this.  After calling the police dept., I found out that the complaint (harassment) could not be withdrawn.  I have tried to emphasize to her that the complaint (I worded it carefully) does not necessitate the involvement of the Administration for Children's Services.  She didn't seem to think so.  So as I understand it now she is hiring a lawyer and attempting to get a restraining order in regard to me (I don't know how difficult that is, though I know I never did anything to her).

While earlier looking at a proposed arrangement where we would both go in and have this mediated (with her having physical custody and me having joint legal custody), it now appears that I am accused of being a neglectful father with a propensity to abusing my child's mother.  Once again, I feel my future with my son threatened by lies.  I seek advice on actions I can take and what I have to be careful of in order to avoid providing any shred of validation to  any of her accusations stemming from her distorted perception of reality and what she will represent to the legal system.

Thanks to all readers on their patience in sifting through this.

Mr. Scared New Dad

Within a month of his birth, I took him one morning to a testing center for DNA Diagnostics and had the DNA test done.  I have the conclusive paperwork saved.  Mom asked me a few weeks later about it when I took her out one night.  She asked if me if I had it done and I said yes.  She told me that she knew it was mine and I said that I did too, and that the DNA test wasn't about that - it was about making sure that she could never take him away from me.

Thanks for the input.  It has been comforting to see that although not retaining a lawyer (i consulted one in about the 7th month of pregnancy for $200 for one hour when Mom informed that I had no say in the name and my last name would not even be included in a hyphenated fashion), I have been taking the right precautions to protect my relationship with our child.  

Ms. M.

Luckily for me, I have a cousin who is the mother of five children (four with an ex-husband where things didn't break up without difficulty)   After the described incident, I called her(she has been a wondeful source of support since word of our impending gift)and she suggested I go down to the local precinct and file a complaint.I worded the complaint carefully as to document what happened w/o providing negatives about moms and her treatment of our son (whom I believe she loves with all of her heart's capacity)

While in the hospital after the delivery in February, I signed an acknowledgement of Paternity.  So the way I understand it I have proven paternity.  Mom & I had planned to negotiate (hopefully w/o lawyers) in the fall, perhaps through a mediator.

To sum up, I too still hope to keep things friendly.  I have left her two messages today, the first apologetic for the part my morning irritability have played in the incident, the second invfting her to call me on my cell phone as I thought she might be uncomfortable calling my home (where I live with my parents - I get very poor reception at that house)

Finding outlets for expressing feelings and fears w/o family/friend bias has been difficult.  At the same time it is difficult to properly descirbe such an emotionally charged topic with such a limited medium as this chatroom.  Either way, I apprecite your response and I hope to hear more from you

I apologize to anyone who reads this about the length, but I find it hard to apply an objective editor's eye with matters so close to my heart.

Date of Dad's last employment prior to pregnancy:  3/2005
Date of Dad's employment after learning of pregnancy:  9/2005 – 6/06
Date of Conception:  6/26/05 (though I realize it is not always known, I believe this to be accurate w/o elaboration)
Date of Birth of our Gorgeous Son:  2/14/06 ( 5 weeks premature)

Perhaps unnecessarily, I must point out that neither moms or I wanted this to happen.  Our relationship had been on and off for a year, and was somewhat casual.
When we first heard that we brought the spark of Mr. Gorgeous about, both his mother and I were unemployed and probably more afraid than we were overjoyed.  I got a job in September of 05 and held on to to it for dear life so as to assure our son would have quality medical insurance when he was born.  Fear & joy still remain together, although seeing him smile has done much to strengthen the joy above the fear.  We have been lucky.  Though not a religious fellow (nor mommy), I must say we have been truly blessed as far as the support of our families/New York State/The Medical community is concerned.   Mommy lives 7 minutes away from me by car at her current apartment.

 Mommy had been a licensed and practicing cosmetologist/aesthetician for ten years with a large spa in a retail chain, though she had recently lost her job a couple of months before our news of the stork.  I had been graduated from college for about six years and had been employed as an Insurance Broker for most of the time but had recently left employment to pursue hedonistic goals as a result of a settlement I got from a car accident I had been in as a result of someone else's recklessness.  

Mommy had a very tough pregnancy.  The apartment she was in was inadequate for the new lifestyle she had to develop (staying in frequently as she rarely felt well)  Since I live with my parents, I could not offer her a place.  Her mother did not think that them living together was wise.  Mommy ended up moving to her sister's place about 5 hours to the north of where we live in Queens.  This worked for maybe a month.  I visited once.  She came back down here and lived with her mother briefly while we all searched for an apt. for her.  Grandma on Mommy's side was well off enough to set mommy with an apartment.

At this point in the game, mommy & I probably make about the same amount of money annually when we are both employed.  When working, I presently make about 45K.  My college loan bills alone are $550 a month.  I was laid off from my job on June 12th and have been watching our son for about 75% of the time while mommy worked at her new job which she started in May.  From October 20th until May 20th I gave mommy $500 to contribute to the security deposit and $250/month to help out with the rent (all paid by check except one month toward the end of her pregnancy when I handed her cash).  Since May 20th , I have only given mommy $100 by check although I have been the primary caregiver taking care of him (& looking for a job) at my folks place while she works, him sometimes sleeping over with me and other times I would bring him to mommy's so that when she got home in the evening he would be in his crib.  I constantly bring mommy food & goods.  I think mommy is very unhappy with her current financial problem and having to borrow money from her mother.  She has been taking this out on me by verbally accusing me "of doing nothing" for the past two months while I have watched our son, gone on 6 interviews, and took an insurance class which will get me another license (hence more earning potential)

Mommy failed to show up for her job twice since she started work in May and was let go after the second missed day on August 8th.  Luckily, some of my networking has started to pay off and I have an interview with a quality company tomorrow Fri 8/11.  She dropped off our son this morning with me so she could go to the beach.  While I was holding our child, we got into a verbal argument.  Mommy told me to give her her son.  I said that he is our son.  Mommy put her hands on the child to yank him out of my arms.  I resisted, reminding her again that this was our son.  When she tried a second time, I pushed her hands away and she started yelling about how I put my hands on her and I just fucked myself and she would call the police.  I gave her the child.  She held him in her left hand and punched me in the nose with her right hand.  We had agreed that he would stay with me today and tonight but now she has taken him away and I am scared.

I am scared for the continued friendship between mommy & I.  I am scared for my son.  I am scared that mommy will receive 17% of my paycheck even though she has tremendously less debt than I.  I am scared that all of my contributions and time spent rearing my son will be cast aside by Family Court as I do not have documentation of his presence here for all the time we spent together.


Obviously, there is not much room to pay for lawyer consultations.  I do not know where to turn so I have posted this message to see if there is anyone out there who has been through a similar experience and can offer some advice//support.

Sincerely,

Scared Single Dad