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Here's my 2 cents for what it's worth...
I think you should be willing to alternate holidays.  Spring break in odd or even years, christmas and half of break in odd or even years.  The child should be able to have major holidays with both parents in an alternating type of scenario.


My X and I do this with my 12 yo.  My X had a terrible set up with his older son where it was 1/2 of the holiday for all holidays.  1/2 of Christmas Day, 1/2 of thanksgiving day etc. with no school breaks other than some summer time.


I'd recommend coming up with something you can propose that has some things you are willing to concede in negotiations.   Maybe ask for her on your birthday every year and her birthday alternating years but know in your mind that you can let both of those go as part of negotiating.


I agree that ROFR should be an item that you concede.  It's harder with the distance.  And I agree with Tigger about transportation.  Since you are moving, that issue falls to you.


I'd ask for tax deduction for every year and concede to alternate years.  Ask for more than you really need that is reasonable.  Don't ask for crazy stuff just in order to negotiate it away.  Things that you are willing to concede should be logical and reasonable "asks" that you can then give up.


good luck

I can't address how you handle the drug issues/concerns.  But my experience with a 2/2/3 rotation has been great.  But my X and I coparent very well and with potential drug and parenting concerns, I don't know how well or comfortable it would be.

My X and I live about 4 blocks apart and we coparent well and are friends now that we are no longer married.  DS was 4 when we split and we did the 2/2/3 from the beginning.  We've been doing it for 3 1/2 years and DS is great with it.  We alternate Thanksgiving week, Christmas week and New Years week plus spring break.  We each have the option for two one week stints in the summer.  I always exercise both of my weeks and X usually exercises only one because work is busier in the summer.  We have both made an effort to put DS first and make sure that he has opportunities with both families.  We switch weekends and trade days as needed.

I will readily admit that we are not the norm.  We had problems at the beginning, but we both focused on DS and both wanted the 50/50.  And living close makes it very easy.

Good luck

OK, this won't be popular advice but I'm going to say it anyway...

If you were my friend and I saw all this going on  I'd say "Don't marry him!"

I know you love each other but her reactions and his reactions to her reactions are not likely to change and that will cause a world of stress on your relationship and marriage.  It might get easier when the child is 18 or 21, but you have a lifetime of dealing with the mother ahead.

I will also predict that once you are actually married to the father it will get worse.

I've dealt with my own version of this (not as bad as you are describing) and know of many others who have had it worse than you describe.

JMHO

I think you are getting lots of good advice here.  And unfortunately nobody can give you any sort of idea what the outcome may be.  We can't say 50 50 chance or 90% likely or anything.  Because we just don't know.

I certainly understand your worries and need to find some answers, but the answers are really only going to come from the mediation and the judge.

I don't remember, but are you doing this without a lawyer?

Have you filed a motion for Sole Physical custoday since the 50/50 earlier this year?

I can't remember what others have said, but I'd look into filing for Sole Physical Custody now if you haven't already.

Keep us posted.

Have you thought about fighting it any? With your DH having custody and she can have the weekends that she's proposing for herself and DH has the rest of the time.

If she's moving "just because" it doesn't seem quite right.

Good luck.

sounds like your relationship with your ex, is going the way mide did with my ex- almost 15 years later we are still able to get along and mutually support our three children, (27, 23, 21).

For us it really was a question of his not feeling screwed by me.

Continued good relationship with your ex is my wish for you and your son!

KS thanks for the good wishes.  For the most part X and I are friends.  We've been divorced just barely a year and we mediated it.  I moved out in January of 2008,  2 weeks after telling him I was leaving and then we were divorced by the end of May.

We've had a couple of little "dust ups"  but nothing that we can't get past (but mostly because I let stuff go and pick my battles where he'll just go off "half cocked" if he gets miffed)

He had a very bad first divorce and a rough time with a PB and PAS with his older son (now 19) , so he's extra sensative to things with our DS and X has some insecurities that are easy to feed.

I don't know if someone else said this or not...

Kids of divorce can have divided loyalties.  And similar to what 4honor mentioned, they do what they need to do in order to survive.

My SS was a classic case of two seperate worlds.  When X would talk with him when his mom was around (which was mostly always) then the conversation was short and mostly yes or no answers or "I don't know."  But the few times when they would speak and she was out (grandpa was babysitting) SS's end of  the conversation was quite animated.

SS always had a great time with X put his mom did a good job with PAS.  She never denied any visitation because that would have landed her in court, but she and her mom did a great job of poisoning SS so that SS believed everything that was said.

So SS's two worlds were very seperate so that he could survive and X understood that.  And although X was hurt, he knew that SS understood that he loved him.  It was safer for SS to reject his dad because he knew there wouldn't be any real repercussions, but standing up to his mom when he was 14 or 15 was not a possibility. 

She's only 8 and she just needs to know that you love her no matter what.

Good luck

I feel like I have been doing very well at keeping things focused for what is best for DS.  I was able to diffuse situations that arose during the divorce with X by remaining calm and focusing on DS.  X would get in a rant (not with DS around) and I would try and keep calm and if the focus or issue was directly related to DS then X would tend to calm down after he realized that I wasn't trying to screw him or do anything underhanded but just do what would be good for our son.

I'm hoping if I can keep that approach then the co-parenting should continue OK.

JMO, but I would have a difficult time even agreeing to the schedule you currently have. You do have a legitimate concern (especially about homework and studying) and since he is changing homes FOUR times a week, that doesn't seem to be consistent enough for him to be able to do that. I

He only switches 3 times a week, Monday evenings, Wednesday evenings and Friday evenings. But now that I write it like that, it seems like a lot, WOW! But DS gets equal time (more or less) with each of us this way. And he's not away from the other parent for very long.

I appreciate everyone's info and input. It's given me a couple of more things to think about. I don't know why I think anything will get easier as time passes. When one issue becomes moot another one crops up. Guess that's just the way it is

thanks again

X and I share 50/50 custody of DS who is 5 and will start kindergarten in August.  Right now we do a 2/2/3 rotation which gives every other weekend as 3 nights and each with two nights during the week.

I tend to get ahead of myself worrying or thinking about things so that's where my question comes in.

Does anyone have any anectodal or other information on this type of rotation with older elementary kids?  I've got no problem with this set up for Kindergarten and probably even first grade, but my feeling (and it's only my gut feeling) is that we should go with a week to week rotation when he is older.
With homework, spelling lists etc. picking up more and more with each grade, I feel like it would be better for DS to have alternating weeks with each of us so that we can appropriately track homework etc.  Plus I think it will be easier for DS to focus on school each week.

X has balked at going with alternating weeks and I think that's because he doesn't want DS for that long a stretch of time. 

I know I'm worrying about something that won't come up for 1 to 2 years, but I'm trying to do a little homework.

X and I live in the same elementary, middle school and high school districts.  In fact we only live about 4 blocks apart. 


Thanks