Messages

Thanks for the clarification.

I have one additional question based on your response.

1.  If a time limit imposed by the consent order establishes a sell/refinance deadline AFTER the divorce is granted, does that make a difference?

In other words, can the act of granting the divorce before this deadline happens somehow over-ride what was agreed to in the consent order/separation agreement, as long as it was signed well before the divorce was granted?

The reason I ask, is that my understanding is that you lose your claim to Equit. Dist. if it is not filed before the divorce is granted. (Ofcourse, my understanding could be wrong.)

Thanks for your time.

We are splitting time with the child 50/50 and have been ever since the separation. So, he stays with me at my new residence 1/2 the time and then 1/2 the time with her at the old house.  She has not asked for any support, largely because of the 50/50 time arrangement.

I am recently separated in the state of NC and have questions regarding the   home. I left the house (I know that was a mistake now. Hindsight is 20/20.) by mutual agreement.  My spouse is still living there.

I am interested in getting my name off of the home loan so that I can get another home loan later and move on with my life. I dont care about the equity in the home. She refuses to sell and was just told she cannot refinance by herself.

I have been told that moving through Equitable Distribution is too expensive and not worth the time.

1. Is there a way to force her to sell/refinance so that I can move on with my life or at least put a time constraint on this? (For example, in the separation agreement place a time limit on this?)

Thanks for your time.

SOrry to hear about what has happened.

Not sure if you've heard of the book "Divorce Poison" by Dr. Warshak, but it deals with how to respond to a vindictive ex's efforts to bad mouth you/brainwash/cause PAS, etc...

The book has been out for sometime, so you can probably find it at your library if you dont want to purchase it.

>Before doing anything, what are you trying to do?
>
>I don't think it's terribly harmful for your son to see her
>making new acquaintences. As long as that's all he sees, why
>do you think it's hurting him?
>
>Your state will vary, but in OK, the judge would laugh at you.
>Screwing around -even if no divorce has been filed- is not a
>criminal activity, nor can it have any bearing on whether a
>divorce is granted. It can't even have any bearing on custody
>decisions unless one parent can show that it's harming the
>children.
>
>If she'd doing it in front of the kids, I'd take action - but
>via Child Welfare Services (or whatever it's called in your
>state). If she's discreet, drop it. It's just not worth the
>pain and expense it will cause.
>
>Things to consider:
>1. You're going to be dealing with her for many years (at
>least until your son is 18 and probably much longer). Do you
>want to do that with a decent relationship or do you want to
>hate each other?
>2. You've got the important stuff settled. Why mess it up? If
>you do this, all your agreements go out the window and you're
>going to have an expensive, adversarial battle. To top it off,
>in today's world, even if you convinced the judge that she was
>an evil adulterer, it's not going to change things much.
>3. Why does it concern you? Your old life is over. Face it.
>You're either looking for revenge or you're still so hurt you
>can't think straight. Neither excuse is much of a reason for
>ruining the rest of your life.
>4. What do you hope to accomplish? If you've already settlled
>custody and financial stuff, what do you expect to get out of
>it. In other words, in what way would your world be better if
>you did it? I can't think of a single thing.
>5. You didn't mention how old your son is. If he's over about
>4, it will become clear to him that YOU are the aggressor
>here. Things seem pretty stable here, but you'll be the one
>shaking them up. Is that the way you want your son to see
>you?
>
>Document everything you wish. If she tries to pull something
>on you, you can use it. But don't do anything with it except
>in self-defense.

I guess everything can have a positive spin if worded the correct way.

I guess one person's "making new acquaintances" is another person's "sleeping around."

And no, I'm not making any assumptions about you personally..I just think  that the "spin" you put on this is very important. I never said anything about "making new acquaintances." If you word it like that, it makes it look a lot less serious than I think it is...and makes me look like I' m trying to be super controlling or something.

By all means, please have fun, make friends and acquaintences...but I just dont think it's appropriate in some circumstances to "sleep around"...

Point number 1:
Thats the trick, jeopardize the current "harmony" over this issue or not? Is it a big enough deal? I'm not sure yet.

POint number 2:
See above...

Point number 3:
Well, on point number 3, I am going to have to disagree with you. I am over her. I could care less if she does the whole Chicago Bears Football team on national TV...LOL... What I am concerned with, is how it affects my son. Do you really think that seeing those kinds of things is healthy for a young child?
That's just not my idea of being a role model. It's also against the law. My "world" would be better if I know my son is not exposed to behavior like that. I happen to think it's the parents responsibility to be a good role model.
I'm not sure I understand how it would "ruin my world."

Point number 4:
I can think of a pretty good reason:
Make sure my son does not see that kind of behavior. (At least make her think twice before doing it.)

Point number 5:
Well, I'm not so sure that he would view me as the "bad guy." That sounds rather presumptive to me. I think if you assume that mommy is going to try to alienate him from me as a result of this, then it's a possibility, but, to be honest, any time I do something "she doesn't like," it's a possibility. We have equal time with him, so it's not as likely that she could alienate him compared to if she had sole custody.

To sum up, I cant help that judges and society don't really care about this issue. All I know is I dont really like my son getting the idea that sleeping around in this manner is ok.

Sorry, but that's just my opinion.

And yes, I'm sure some judges in some circumstances might laugh at that by itself.
(That doesn't make it right.)
But, as part of a larger picture, it simply tells a piece of the story.

I'm a big fan of documenting EVERYTHING. There are many ways to do it.
I like to keep logs of events, positive things, negative things, generally everything that's happened.

You never know when you'll need to pull a precise date and/or place of an event for something..usually a court action..

I would err on the side of documenting everything.....

The quicker you can provide information to those who need it (the court, your  attorney, etc.) the better off you will be.

NC has laws regarding screwing around if you are separated but still married.  You can sue the 3rd party (the lover)  for something called 'criminal conversation.'
I guess it establishes the ex as being an adulterer as well.

I am wondering if I am thinking of all the pros and cons for doing this.

In a way, I want to document what she is doing.  At the same time, I am wondering if I should 'rock the boat,' as we are in a phase of this separation where we have agreed on some main issues like custody and property distribution.


I feel like I should document this stuff though (get a private investigator and sue) so that I can establish a record of her behavior.

I also feel that since I am refraining from dating right away because I don't think it's a good thing for my son to see right now and also because it is still technically adultery, that she should have restraint as well.

Does that make sense?

We can't get officially divorced for a while (more than 9 months away).

Am I thinking this through?

Will the sh*t storm that happens (and it will be a huge one) be worth it?

Anyone else successfully sue a 3rd party for something like this?

Thanks....

OK, found a book that I have just started reading. You may have heard of it. Apologies if it's been discussed elsewhere. It's called "Divorce Poison" by Dr. Richard Warshak.

The book focuses on how to deal with an ex that is trying to bad mouth/brainwash a child against the other spouse.

So far, very enlightening. It's actually giving me peace of mind because I am more confident that I can be active and prevent as well as counter any bad mouthing or "brain washing."

It was out in 2001, so you can probably find it at your library if you dont want to purchase it.

I am a newly separated father and this scenario is something like a bad nightmare for me.

I truly do fear the ex trying to brainwash my son against me. He is 2 at the moment, so the situation is a bit different as far as how much of this stuff he can really understand. (I know he understands plenty, but it's different for a 6 year old.)
 I have seen a few books that deal with the subject, but havn't read any yet.

I know my ex and her family pretty well, and they are not above doing something like this.

I have been really adament about joint custody so far.  Splitting at least equal time is something that I think I will hold above everything else.

I am really looking into strategies of how to best cope with a vindictive ex who may try to turn my son against me. I'll check around for some  books on the subject and repost later. If anyone else out there has any recommendations/advice on the subject, then please post.

I would like to take the "high road" of not being the one who talks bad about the other parent, but I also want to know some active things I can do to counter the negative things from her side.

Thanks...

Just wanted to say good luck and thanks for the advice. I am a newly separated father of a 2 year old boy that means more to me than anything.

I have been deployed to a combat zone, almost blown to bits by a car bomb, yet the only thing that really bothers me is the thought of my son having a more difficult time in life because of this divorce.  That hits home you know.
That keeps me up at night.

I feel we did the right thing by separating, as he doesnt need to grow up seeing a loveless marriage of 2 people that do not like each other.

I appreciate your advice. I wish I had followed some of it sooner, but we are not perfect and hindsight is always 20/20, right?