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THank you.........We are in South Dakota

The current stipulation for visitations reads that my DH will have the children Wednesday at 3pm until Monday at 8am every other week during the school year and every other week during the summer.  There are five kids.

However, one of the kids is seriously PAS'd and doesn't come anymore but the oldest is with us majority of the time except for every Thursday night and every other weekend.  

The CS went from $1300 a month to $957 per month due to the fact that we have them more.  

We also pay for all  extra curricular activities for  the youngest two and next year we will pay for all activities for the oldest three while BM pays for the youngest two.  Three of the children bowl on a league and we are 100% responsible for those costs.  

We are not allowed to claim any children for taxes.  BM would not sign divorce papers if DH didn't agree to that.   We are now in the process of having the judge change the language to state that the kids we are paying for extracurricular activies that year , we get to claim for tax purposes.  My DH also just got done paying for $40000 dollars worth of braces that she put three of the five kids in when we agreed to only do one at a time.  We also pay for school lunches on the days we have them.

DH asked BM about CS changing to help us with the cost of having one of the kids more and she said that since one of the kids doesn't ever come that it will go up.  She said the abatement(for us) is already figured in for the one not coming and that she would get an abatement for the child that goes to her house less.  We want for the one child to come but BM doesn't enforce it.  I thought this would be considered comtempt.  

Anyway, I was trying to give you a snapshot of the situations but my main question is how do we figure out if we should just leave it alone or try to modify without it hurting us.  We have no problem supporting the kids but now that one is here more why would we pay her the entire amount for him?  I have four children of my own and support almost solely as my ex doesn't have as good a job as me but when we give BM the entire amount and don't get compensated for having my SS more then it affects everyone in this household as well.  

Oh I almost forgot BM isn't working and hasn't for the past year.  She is capable just won't.

Where can I find a calculator that will add in the variations when insurance, extra days, etc are not figured in?   It isn't giving me an accurate number due to these factors.

Taxes are definately not my thing but I always thought that after claiming three of the children it didn't make that big of a difference.  Also, she is pregnant again with her current husbands child but I don't know if that makes a difference or not?  I guess if they file seperately then maybe he will claim just the one?  But, if they file jointly then how does that work when he is technically claimng my husbands bio children?  I am sorry it all confuses me.  My husband regrets allowing her to do that in the first place but she used them as bargaining chips.  We have nine children together and out of the nine we only get to claim two.  I was nice enough to allow my ex to claim two even though I only recieve $366 a month in CS because he doesn't work that much.  We just get taken every year and since we have the kids more and pay for extra things on top of CS I thought maybe it would "even" things out if we got to claim the kids too.  While she wasn't working she went and got her tubal reversed and got pregnant and then went on medicaid.  Go figure!  Anyway, I think she gets that fraudulently.  She is also guilty of working the system...I agree with one of the other posters....how do they look in the mirror each day?

Also, thank you for your replies.

In my husbands divorce decree he allowed her to claim all five of the children for income tax purposes (that is the only way she would sign).  He is responsible for 67% of the support of the children and that is the only income she has (she works here and there but mostly doesn't work at all).  We end up having to claim the money paid for child support but yet she doesn't have to claim it as income.  We now have the kids anywhere from 10-12 days a month during the school year and every other week in the summer.  We are planning on going before the judge sometime before the 2007 taxes and seeing if he will modify the divorce decree to allow us to claim possibly 2 children one year and then 3 the next.  Does anyone know the best way to go about this?  We are keeping receipts already.  Also, is it unheard of that this happens?  Any advice would be appreciated.

My husband and I just went though this exact situation. We were paying daycare expenses that didn't exist and she put three of the five children in braces even though my husband said he could not pay that much extra on top of the $1200 a month he was already paying for child support. We were left out of the decision making entirely. We could have more easily helped pay for one child at a time like most people do but she did it anyway (against the shared parenting agreement). Anyway, we had the "daycare provider" and her tax records subpoened (sp?? but you know what I mean) along with any receipts that they could provide and of course it was discovered that there were in fact no daycare expenses. So, through mediation they deducted all of the money that was overpaid for "daycare" and applied it to the balance that my husband has to pay for his share of orthodontia bills. In order to pay the rest of the balance we are going to continue paying the same amount of child support (the "daycare expense" becomes the orthodontia expense) until it is paid in full and then the child support will go down and not reflect any "daycare" expense.

We were told there is really no way of getting out of paying that much even though she went ahead and had the procedure done without my husband's consent as stated in the shared parenting agreement because in the original divorce papers it states that he would help pay for orthodontia. He just thought she would be more sensible about it and only have one child at a time having orthodontia work done. We were also told that the judge could order him to pay a large lump sum instead of making payments that we are already used to paying.

Also, it would be a long shot to get the orthodontist to say it wasn't medically necessary. Isn't that how they make money? If they say it needs to be done then of course people are more apt to having the work done and not putting it off.

    My husband and I just went though this exact situation. We were paying daycare expenses that didn't exist and she put three of the five children in braces even though my husband said he could not pay that much extra on top of the $1200 a month he was already paying for child support. We were left out of the decision making entirely. We could have more easily helped pay for one child at a time like most people do but she did it anyway (against the shared parenting agreement). Anyway, we had the "daycare provider" and her tax records subpoened (sp?? but you know what I mean) along with any receipts that they could provide and of course it was discovered that there were in fact no daycare expenses. So, through mediation they deducted all of the money that was overpaid for "daycare" and applied it to the balance that my husband has to pay for his share of orthodontia bills. In order to pay the rest of the balance we are going to continue paying the same amount of child support (the "daycare expense" becomes the orthodontia expense) until it is paid in full and then the child support will go down and not reflect any "daycare" expense.

We were told there is really no way of getting out of paying that much even though she went ahead and had the procedure done without my husband's consent as stated in the shared parenting agreement because in the original divorce papers it states that he would help pay for orthodontia. He just thought she would be more sensible about it and only have one child at a time having orthodontia work done. We were also told that the judge could order him to pay a large lump sum instead of making payments that we are already used to paying.

Also, it would be a long shot to get the orthodontist to say it wasn't medically necessary. Isn't that how they make money? If they say it needs to be done then of course people are more apt to having he work done and not putting it off.

 
 

My husband and I just went though this exact situation.  We were paying daycare expenses that didn't exist and she put three of the five children in braces even though my husband said he could not pay that much extra on top of the $1200 a month he was already paying for child support.  We were left out of the decision making entirely.  We could have more easily helped pay for one child at a time like most people do but she did it anyway (against the shared parenting agreement).    Anyway, we had the "daycare provider" and her tax records subpoened (sp?? but you know what I mean) along with any receipts that they could provide and of course it was discovered that there were in fact no daycare expenses.  So, through mediation they deducted all of the money that was overpaid for "daycare" and applied it to the balance that my husband has to pay for his share of orthodontia bills.  In order to pay the rest of the balance we are going to continue paying the same amount of child support (the "daycare expense" becomes the orthodontia expense) until it is paid in full and then the child support will go down and not reflect any "daycare" expense.  

We were told there is really no way of getting out of paying that much even though she went ahead and had the procedure done without my husband's consent as stated in the shared parenting agreement because in the original divorce papers it states that he would help pay for orthodontia.  He just thought she would be more sensible about it and only have one child at a time having orthodontia work done.  We were also told that the judge could order him to pay a large lump sum instead of making payments that we are already used to paying.  

Also, it would be a long shot to get the orthodontist to say it wasn't medically necessary.  Isn't that how they make money?  If they say it needs to be done then of course people are more apt to having he work done and not putting it off.

My husband told me that she had started pacing around the room cussing and asking if that would happen and the mediator told her to stop cussing, sit down, and they could all talk rationally.  Apparently,she didn't like that because she cussed all the way to the door and slammed it behind her when she left.  The mediator then told my husband he would have to pay for the entire session and that  she would walk him out and watch him drive away so that his ex couldn't accuse him of anything.  She is famous for that.  Anyway, when he was getting into the car she had apparently waited for him to come out and then drove down the street by our car and flipped him off.  I thought we were all adults!  She has also done that many times. in front of the kids.  That is the sad part.  They should never be exposed to those things.  When we went to court over her false accusations the mediator did supply us with a letter showing that two weeks prior to the accusations there was a failed mediation in which 50/50 custody was brought up.  The investigators said they new it was a custody issue from the start but that they have to do their jobs.  

She has decided that she just wouldn't bring the kids over for their scheduled visitation.  One of the times was for her current husbands Birthday. We had plans to take them to a Christmas party at the school but she kept them to celebrate his birthday.  She wouldn't pick up the phones and she said that she didn't get the email saying that we already had plans and it was our scheduled visitation. She contradicted herself many times about the email and we knew it was a lie.  In fact, we decided that it is best to just assume she is always lying.    And, it wasn't that we didn't want them to be there on his birthday because we didn't know it was his birthday until the next day.  Even so, my husband had the right to have them on his scheduled day.  We did call the police and they said unless someone is being threatened there isn't anything they could do and that we would have to take it before the judge and get her for contempt of court.  It seems no matter what we do we are just banging our heads against the wall.

We also just found out that she had her tubal reversed (where she got the money for that we will never know.....hmmmmm) and that she is now pregnant with her current husband's child (who we have heard from a mutual source that he wants out of the marriage and he is bisexual so he doesn't want to be with just her) and she doesn't even take care of the kids she has.  I feel so bad for that baby.  Also, she isn't working and so now she won't ever work (my husband said that when he was married to her she kept wanting kids and that was her excuse to not work) and so the $1200 a month that we give her definately won't go for my husbands bio children but will help her be a stay at home mom to her new baby because the other kids are all in school all day.  I feel bad for all the kids because this is a bad situation for all of them.

Sorry I get to rambling on.  Sometimes it helps to get frustrations out by typing it......I guess nobody is forced to read these.   I also apologize for not using more abbreviations , I am still new.  Thanks again for any tips and we will take all the advice we can get from people who know.  Our lawyer told us that maybe the only way to get her to quit trying to be so deceitful with us and always doing things that will hurt us is to sit and think of ways to give her a taste of her own medicine.  It seems there has to be a better, fair, and more moral way  I am just sorry that there are so many who are in these situations....again, if only it was a perfect world.   God Bless.

We have tried going to a mediator and she flipped out.  We were asking for 50/50 custody and my husband said she started cussing and pacing around the room and asking the midiator if there was a chance for that to happen.  It isn't a matter that she thinks we are not good parents or that she would lose time with them but it is that she would lose the money.  I know this  because of her track record of spending time with the kids and how often she used to let us have them when she didn't think we would modify cs.  After we attempted to modify she just quit letting us have them and either had them stay at friends houses or a neighbor.  Looking back the time we have with them is worth more than the money but it was hard to pay for everything plus pay her cs when we literally had them almost all the time.  Like I said hind sight is 20/20 and we should have struck when we had the chance because it didn't make things easier on the kids in the long run.  Also, after that mediation we found ourselves with false accusations made against us.   If somebody told me that another human could be so evil especially when it involves her own children I wouldn't have believed them.  I never knew that one person could delight so much in seeing other suffer or being capable of the things she has done.  As I said before her own father referred to her as an emotional terror.  

We do appreciate the support and the helpful information.  Sometimes little tips help on how to overcome people like her, especially when it is affecting the most precious people in our lives.   God Bless

I am sorry I should proofread what I type.  It is my ex that works the minimum wage job.  That is why is cs is so low.  It has been that way since 2000.  Again, I am not money hungry.

We do have some proof of how she has spent the money.  If her parents ever come to their senses again and stop enabling her when she decides shes done disowning them, then we will have their testimony too.   We were in a position at one time when my husband went to Iraq and deposited all of the money into an account for her access.  She spent every dime and then some and was in fact in the hole when he came home  (we were not yet married at this time)
 and when the other guys came home and had a nice savings he had to figure out how to get out of the mess she created.  We had a paper trail because he had access to the account.  The money was spent on everything but the kids (bars, online purchases for herself, etc).  Shame on us I guess for not acting when we had the chance.  We even had the kids almost every day and night just so she could go out and party and we didn't care because they were with us.  We could have won custody then I am sure and she was scared but we backed out just so the kids woudn't have to go through it. (home studies and the whole bit)  Hind sight is 20/20 and in the long run it hurt the kids.  They could have been with us and taken care of. Live and learn.  So now we just keep waiting so that we can give them the life they deserve.  She is bound to mess up again.  It is in her nature.  I am sure you wouldn't even believe me if you knew everything she has done.  For now she just figures out how to get out of her messes but we will bide our time and give her the rope.  We have learned....trust me.
Please don't get me wrong and think that we want the money for ourselves.  We have lived without it and have the smarts to budget without it, but it is sickening to work so hard every day and have to hand it over just so she can sit at home or take care of her own needs and not the kids.