Messages

My theory is that most fathers are so happy to be over and done with all of the BS and craziness once the children age out of the visitation/cs phase that they just walk away from the system instead of making any extra effort to change it.  I fantasize about all of the changes I would spear-head on behalf of the fathers just starting out with their fight.  But my husband says that we "no longer have a dog in that race."

I was just thinking yesterday about trying to locate a lawyer in Indiana that would consider representing my DH regarding the shaft he's getting from the state cse office even after his D turned 21 in 09. We have a court order for cs abatement during summer visitation that they have refused to give him credit for since 2000.  CSE wants us to take it back to court. That's absurd. Their judge has already made the order. We shouldn't have to ask him to enforce his own order. If it's happening to DH, I'm sure it's happening to plenty of others out there. It could possibly turn into a class action. But, once again, DH says we'll just pay it and move on. All the while, Indiana CSE has received Federal funds based on over-reporting of child support collections because they refuse to give credit where credit is due.

actually my prescriptions ran out back in june and I haven't been on them since.
Shelly, is that something my lawyer should put together for me when I get one? Or should I just go without a lawyer till I get the money and just get visitation orders now?

If you are referring to the items I listed before, you can put together the papers yourself. Check with your state or local court to see if they possibly have some fill-in-the blank forms. There are books available with fill-in the blank forms. My husband used The Complete Guide to Unmarried Parent's Rights (Stanley, Sphinx Publishing).

As for the lawyer, hire at your own risk. Get referrals for lawyers that are father-friendly. That was my husband's mistake. He forked over $3000 and she basically did nothing we asked her and was a disaster at the hearing. Afterwards, I used her motions as templates, removed her name and dropped in DH's name/pro se.

If you want to test the waters, it's much cheaper to pay the filing fee and take your chances. No judge will deny you basic visiation rights even if you jack the whole thing. Judges are a little more lenient on pro se if you appear to be humble and just seeking what is in the best interest of the child. You'll have a gut feeling what you should do after that. There are plenty of people here to help.

well luckily I don't do drugs and I RARELY drink.

her only thing on me is that I was put on Anti Depressants after my ex before her broke up with me to help me deal with that. She is lording that around saying that I'm unstable and she doesn't trust me with him at all. I have not been allowed to leave anywhere with him by myself ever.

I know it's not right what's she's doing, but I'm hoping the courts see that too.

Just don't let your emotions get the worst of you. Educate yourself. Stick to the facts that you need to get the court to order what's best for the child. It's very easy to let the tit-for-tat between you and her overshadow the best interest's of the baby. Keep his best interests in mind at all time. You may not be on the anti-depressants for long. She will be controlling and manipulative forever. And I can say that with over 40 years of experience in dealing with my own parent's divorce, my husband's Daughter's mother (20 yrs) and my brother's daughter's mother for 10 yrs.

he's only 4 months old so the schedule is not a burden on him currently...
I work 10 miles from her house and I'll be moving up to this place permanately come August.

However at his age, 50/50 I believe is in the best interest of him and of me. His mother tells me that as long as I see him every 3rd day for a couple hours i'll continue his bond with me.
It doesn't feel that way..

She is not willing to work on this... She wants SIX MONTHS of family therapy with visitation staying the way it is in order for me to get overnight visitation...

6 months of "Family therapy"? The child is only 4 mos old. There is nothing to psycho-analyze. Sounds like she's trying to keep the contact between you and her, possibly to reconcile, or simply to stay in control. If you're sure that you have no intention of living with her to raise the child, then there's no need for family therapy. You've got a long fight on your hands. The faster you get her in front of a judge, the better you'll be.

I'm looking at 3 days on, 3 days off with alternating saturdays, minimum. I know of PLENTY of couples that have been able to work out this arrangement before and the child developed just fine.

I'm not totally disagreeing with you. It definitely can work. Children are very resilient and overcome plenty of obstacles growing up. But the Mother simply sounds unwilling to give it a try with what little I've already read about your situation. It sounds like it will be a total nightmare if you are the only one willing to co-operate.

WRONG. My brother had a child out of wedlock and split with the mother before the baby was born. She was born in August and he had overnights by December. Of course, you will have to have it court ordered since she's already showing herself to be uncooperative and unwilling to facilitate your relationship with your child. Check IL for a standard visitation law. If there is one on file, use it as a guideline for your filing. BTW, once you have something ready to file, share it with us. There are plenty of people here that will critique it and give you pointers based on our personal fights.

Things to make sure you cover:

1.specific drop-off/pick-up times and places. If you are concerned she won't show, make it some place public that you can easily prove you were there - like a McDonald's. Purchase a drink/ keep the receipt for exact time you are supposed to make the exchange whether she shows or not.  This pretty much ensures you have witnesses to any altercations.

2. First right of refusal. For example, she wants to take a 1 week Caribbean vacation. You get the first choice to keep the child over her aunt or some unknown babysitter.

3. Your Bday and Father's Day every year, not to mention the child's bday (maybe every other year).

4. tax exemption status depending on how much CS you pay versus how much money she makes. We got every other year. It's worth a shot asking for it.

5. who pays for travel if you are long distance or if either parent moves more then xx miles away from the current location

6. Consider "before school age" vs "after school age" plans so you don't have to return to court once the child goes to school

There's plenty more, but these are things that we consistently see asked about here at SPARC. Usually after it's too late to deal with in court.

When you say "split time," do you mean something like 1 week at mom's, one week at dad's? If so, I can see where she would be right. Only because a parenting plan like that needs 100% agreement and cooperation between the parents, which rarely happens. I have plenty of questions about the background here, but if you disagree and want to retain the current set-up, ask for a GAL to look into the situation.

[all]

She doesn't give any notice if she isn't coming.  She will sometimes mention to SS if she is coming, but we usually don't know until a week before. 
For the summer, she just has to give 90 day written notice of what days she will take, no mention of times.  Usually we let her do whatever she wants, but this last summer, we needed SS back at a certain time for travel.  Otherwise, she usually picks him up in the morning and drops him of at night.  The standard Christmas visitation here is 12/25-1/1 and that is what DH had before he won custody.  I just figured that was easier since break is not always the same number of days. 
We knew that the likelihood of BM exercising all her visitation was slim, and that's one of the reasons we requested that the weekends be the 1st and 3rd of each month rather than putting EOWe in the order.  We figured that we could look at any given month and know which weekends were ours, for planning purposes.  And the judge did set specific times for the weekends.
We just want to make sure that she can't keep playing games.  We had enough of that when she had custody.  We weren't going to file stuff, but feel like at this point if we don't file, she will continue to screw with the times just to assert some control. 

Are you using a time tracker and documenting all of her visitation games? There is one here at SPARC that has helped many parents. I agree that she needs more time boundaries not specifically to make your life easier, but for her son to have a better idea of when he will see her.

You are definitely being reasonable. I'm surprised pick-up/drop-off times weren't set from the get-go. You may consider another common Christmas break schedule: Odd yrs, 1st 7 days, even years, 2nd 7 days, with a mid-day pick-up/drop-off time. I say that only if you think she'd ever want to provide Christmas/Santa at her home. Otherwise, it's pretty hard to make a parent exercise visitation in a situation like yours. Is she letting you know within a decent timeframe that she won't be taking her weekend, or is the child waiting around for mom to show up all weekend?

Definitely do not deduct the medical expenses from the cs. If it's not covered in the original order, then you may want to see of there is a state law that may cover it; but unfortunately you are in a position that's not in your favor unless you move to have the uncovered medical expenses split. Even then it would probably not retro to cover what you've already spent.

Keep documenting his neglect of these situations, hopefully that will help you at the hearing. It sounds like his mindset is definitely "you made the bill, you pay it." And the court may tend to agree (albeit unfairly, in some circumstances) unless you make an effort to include the medical in a revised order.