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Not sure what "shrink wrap" is, but since the subject is sanity, I'm hoping this is in the right place.  

Only 4 months into this, (I'm the nervous grandma), I'm struggling already with the anxiety component to custody/visitation/crazy BM/ scenario.  

Those of you who are experienced with the emotional rollercoaster this brings to your life must have learned to pace yourselves by now.  That is what I need to learn to do.  I'm finding the anxiety overwhelming at times, really interfering with the good parts of my life.  We have so much to be thankful for, our other 4 adult kids doing well, and other grandchildren whom we have plenty of access to.  I thank God daily for these blessings...

I'd love to hear some mental health and emotional health tips from some of you.   Maybe this subject has already been covered??    I'm ready to get this anxiety under control and LIVE my life while still being a supportive parent/grandparent.  

Hi all-  I'm the nervous Oregon grandma with another set of circumstances and a question.
Our son's attorney told him just yesterday that since exgirlfriend ignored the paternity papers that were served to her, that he is the father by defaut-  and he doesn't need a paternity test unless he chooses to.  She didn't contest it, just threw them in the trash.  
Is it possible to win in court by defaut??  

Then, exgirlfriend calls him today, saying that she got papers in the mail from State of Oregon,saying that he has to have a blood test, and that he has to pay child support to the tune of $675/per month for their daughter. My jaw just dropped, let me tell you, considering that he earns only $14/hour-  and so does she, but she has 3 nonjoints as well.

They have a hearing just for the temporary orders in early Feb, just to tell you where things are right now-- just beginning.  She also says she won't go to mediation or even discuss visitation.  My gosh, what do you do with someone so uncooperative??

Seems like he also would get some notification if this were true.  I smell a fish. Or a rat.

Thanks for the encouraging words.  It is just common sense that his time with her shouldn't be controlled by CP mom.  Someone needs to call her bluff.

We've been buffalowed (sp) by the fact that she has legal custody and it isn't a shared custody situation.  I know she's been given way too much control because she's the CP.   Time to change things!

Thank you!

Our son is the legal father of little Maddy, paying support and having her spent weekends several times a month.  Her mother is now saying that she does not want Maddy to EVER attend any church.  She does have legal custody-  is there a clear-cut rule about this for Oregon residents?  We are in Portland.

 Just wondering if birth mom has that kind of control even during our son's weekends with Madison.  

Thanks so much,

Oregon gramma

ps-  Just so you know, this is a very normal little Baptist church, nothing weird.

Thanks Ref!

Finally, finally got son to take all the papers and retainer fee to the attorney this morning.  Attorney says she is underreporting her income and he will re-figure the child support amount, request temp visitation orders, and a no-move order for BM.  

Is is normal to set up "temporary" child support and visitation, then do something final through the court later?  Seems that we just have support request and blood test request from the state child support agency.  

The state is also ordering blood tests for all 3 of them,but he is to pay $456/monthly in child support NOW!  Is that strange?  I thought only established fathers paid child support.  

This is our first experience with separation/child support/visitation in our family, and it is making me crazy.  I really have compassion for all of ya'lls out there who live with this year after year.  
                   
                                 Nervous Grandma
 

Hi Sherry and all,

Yes, I fully agree about the attorney-  He is getting one.  This is to establish paternity on his daughter.  They were not married but lived together 3 years-  just 4 months ago she found a new boyfriend and kicked our son out.  

So, he is going through the steps to establish paternity, with the goal being to establish his rights as father and have access to his daughter that is court ordered.  

All we know is that the Oregon Department of Justice had papers served to her about the paternity of the baby.  We don't know if she will sign them or not.   She probably will, now that she thinks she'll be getting $450+ a month!  


                   Thanks again....

I'm the nervous grandma who posted a month or so ago.    In the meantime, our son had a consult with a good father's rights attorney here in Portland, Oregon.   Son decided to try to get BM to sign the paternity papers and hold off on getting the attorney involved until mediation/custody.   She is cooperating because she's defrauded the state for years with false income statements to increase her welfare/child care benefits and is afraid son will say something.  

So son goes to the state and asks that they start the process for paternity.   She got served some kind of initial paternity paper by the sheriff last week.   We have no idea what it says.  She is now saying that this paper says our son must pay her $467/monthly and health insurance for daughter.  This seems odd-  he hasn't recieved anything at all yet-  doesn't the state tell a man that he has been named the father, and at least ask for verification of his income before setting a monthly child support payment??  Also, isn't parenting time established first?   She has,  well, difficulty telling truth from fiction, and of course will not produce the papers for anyone to view, so this may be a lie.

So she either is in agreement and signs the paternity papers within 30 days or the court orders genetic testing, right?  Just seems early in the game for her to announce what he should be paying per month (directly to her of course!)  In the meantime, I'm pushing for the attorney to get on board soon, and also that he put his voluntary child support (he's been paying 300/mo) in an escrow account.  Any other nuggets of wisdom?  
                        Thanks SO much--  Oregon grandma
                   

I called the attorney and our son will go in this Wednesday.  I'm going along to take notes and be an extra set of ears.  

Hopefully our story will be short and without too much backlash, although she is skilled at working the system and making false accusations.  

She admitted to our son on the phone that this isn't really about visitation, in her mind it is about getting the max $$ from state daycare and food stamps, which she can get more of if she has no child support coming in. She reminded him that this is why she would not allow his name to be on the birth certificate when the baby was born.  Our son recorded her during that conversation, but it may not be worth much, I just don't know.  

Thanks so much for each reply-  I don't think I've every felt the need for support like I do right now--  bless you guys!

 
Yes, he has paid his "voluntary child support" with a check.  This is a relatively recent situation, as she booted him out and moved her 23-year old boyfriend in with her and the kids only 6 weeks ago.  

Our son has made 2, maybe 3 payments by check, and can keep those as proof.  

Thank you for the encouragement~~

Thanks so much- I will encourage our son to get an attorney.  I have found 2 here in Portland, Oregon that are dad-oriented and might be a good choice for him.    I wouldn't doubt if she tries false allegations or a restraining order to try and keep the upper hand and make him give up-  so, and attorney is really a wise choice right now.

We are all keeping busy trying to keep his spirits up- this is such a SLOW and frustrating process.  I didn't have a clue what people go through just trying to see their children until all this exploded right under my nose.  

Thanks again for the advise-  I know we are just at the very beginning of the process, but it is great to feel the support and past experience of ya'll!

   Falada