Messages

Happy Holidays Soc,

All parties are in VA.

Brief history:
BM and I decided to get a divorce in Oct 05 but continued to live together until we could negotiate a custody agreement of our 2 daughters (8 and 5).  After she found out that I had proof of her adultery, she decided to take the children to an abuse shelter and file a protective order (Mar 06) saying that I beat and raped her.  The allegations are false but I was required to leave the house until the court date.  When court came around (Apr 06), the judge threw out the protective order but said that my wife should have primary physical custody while we both retained joint custody until a full custody hearing was held.

We went to a custody evaluator who talked to everyone involved, performed psychological testing, looked at documentation, etc.  His report came out in Oct 06 and recommends that I have sole legal custody unless BM starts seeing a psychiatrist for Bipolar Disorder and regularly takes any medication he prescribes her.  In that case, he recommends joint legal custody with approx. a 60/40 split with me being their CP.  BM is now furious that the evaluator said that she is Bipolar, fired her lawyer (2nd time), and wants to fight everything.  I finally have a court date for May 07.

Questions:
1.  One concern I have is that BM will have primary custody from 4/06 to 5/07.  In your experience, how likely is the judge to make a change to what will be the status quo?
2.  BM states that the custody evaluation will be outdated by the time court comes.  Should this be a concern?  I don't see how someone can become "un-bipolar" in 6 months, but do I need to show some effort to have it updated?
3.  In your experience, how often does the judge follow the recommendations of the custody evaluation?
4.  My oldest daughter is having some pretty serious problems in school now, whereas she used to be a very good student.  Is there anything I can do to change the current situation?  I do have a lawyer and he says there is nothing I can/should do.

Thank you very much for your time!

Happy Holidays Soc,

All parties are in VA.

Brief history:
BM and I decided to get a divorce in Oct 05 but continued to live together until we could negotiate a custody agreement of our 2 daughters (8 and 5).  After she found out that I had proof of her adultery, she decided to take the children to an abuse shelter and file a protective order (Mar 06) saying that I beat and raped her.  The allegations are false but I was required to leave the house until the court date.  When court came around (Apr 06), the judge threw out the protective order but said that my wife should have primary physical custody while we both retained joint custody until a full custody hearing was held.

We went to a custody evaluator who talked to everyone involved, performed psychological testing, looked at documentation, etc.  His report came out in Oct 06 and recommends that I have sole legal custody unless BM starts seeing a psychiatrist for Bipolar Disorder and regularly takes any medication he prescribes her.  In that case, he recommends joint legal custody with approx. a 60/40 split with me being their CP.  BM is now furious that the evaluator said that she is Bipolar, fired her lawyer (2nd time), and wants to fight everything.  I finally have a court date for May 07.

Questions:
1.  One concern I have is that BM will have primary custody from 4/06 to 5/07.  In your experience, how likely is the judge to make a change to what will be the status quo?
2.  BM states that the custody evaluation will be outdated by the time court comes.  Should this be a concern?  I don't see how someone can become "un-bipolar" in 6 months, but do I need to show some effort to have it updated?
3.  In your experience, how often does the judge follow the recommendations of the custody evaluation?
4.  My oldest daughter is having some pretty serious problems in school now, whereas she used to be a very good student.  Is there anything I can do to change the current situation?  I do have a lawyer and he says there is nothing I can/should do.

Thank you very much for your time!

In my experience, the custody evaluator will not directly ask your children anything about the divorce or your parenting.  He/she/they will perform a series of tests on your daughter to try to determine how she feels and what she thinks of you and your stbx.

For example:
He asks your daughter to draw a picture of you on the left side of a piece of paper, and your stbx on the right side.  Your daughter draws your stbx as a stick figure and you in more detail.  Then the evaluator asks her to draw a picture of herself between the two pictures.  She draws her picture closer to you.  The evaluator might say that your daughter has a better relationship with you because she drew you in more detail.  Also, that she probably wants to live with you because she drew herself closer to you.

The key is evaluating the kids to find out what their needs are and evaluating the parents to determine who can best fulfill those needs.  At least this is what happened in my case.  Hope it helps.

Unless there is some reason why you can't, I would go back to the house.  If you were the stay-at-home dad, it is in your best interests (and the kid's best interests) for you to live with them and continue to be their primary caregiver.  I would also get a good lawyer ASAP.  Good luck!

my $0.02

First of all, there is no harm in gathering information about him or in getting counseling.  So, I think you absolutely should do that.

Here's a couple things I would think about, most of which have already been discussed in this thread:
-The child has a right to be supported financially and emotionally by his father, but just because you tell dad doesn't mean that he'll will actually support his son.
-If what the SD says is true, it could be worse for the father to be in the kid's life.
-Your relationship with your husband is obviously very important to you.  If you tell this guy without talking to your husband first, it will eventually get back to him, and that would be bad.
-Once you get the info you should probably have somebody who isn't involved in this to take a look at it to make sure you're looking at this "evidence" in the right light.

What I would do:
If I thought this guy would be a positive influence on the child's life for whatever reason (financially, emotionally, etc) then I would tell the father about the POSSIBILITY that he has a son.  I would choose to do it personally, but I can very much understand why you might want to do it anonymously.  Before I told him I would talk to your husband about how you feel you have a moral obligation to do this, and ask that he support you.

If I thought this guy wouldn't be a good influence on the child, I would save the information for the child for when he gets older.

Very tough decision!  Good luck!