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My child's mother lives in Ada county with my child, I live in Southeast Idaho.  The case was here because it was where child support was set up, custody and visitation had never been addressed because we were never married.  My child's mother kept my child from me and my whole family for over a year, even her own siblings.  I finally found her and took her to court.  She filed things late, refused to answer practically all interrogatories in there entirety and never showed up for hearings in person, always over the phone.  She alleged that I beat her on a regular basis when we were together, including when she was pregnant, and that I had sexual relations with underage girls, all of which were untrue.  Judge denied her change of motion due to it being filed so late, ordered her to pay a chunk of my attorneys fees because of her refusal to answer the interrogatories fully and was ordered to disclose her current husbands income so it could be calculated in the child support, since she was barely working and her husband makes $23 an hour.  We went to mediation and she gave up, I got joint legal custody of my daughter with visitation alternating holidays, three day weekends and in the summer.  I hope this helps, if you fight hard enough for your child, the judge will see it and appreciate your efforts, yes, there are some judges who are biased but if your efforts are great and documented then you should be able to appeal any ruling that reeks of bias.  The courts always favor the parent who shows fairness and love not the one who is making accusations and concentrating on mud-slinging instead of the child's best interest.

Sorry, my first post was extemely long, but the decree states, "The parties agree that they should be awarded joint legal and joint physical custody of all of the above-named minor children of the parties.  Defendant will have primary physical custody of the minor children of the parties, subject to reasonable visitation rights in Defendant.  While Plaintiff is employed at his current employment, visitation will take place every Monday, which coincides with his day off, provided proper advance notice is given."  

The decree was done when we lived in the same town and my boys were pretty little and the it hasn't been modified since.  I no longer work at the job mentioned and work Monday through Friday now.

That is the only mention of visitation, I actually got into a dispute with the lawyer who represented me for his lack of doing his job in that department but he refused to fix it for free.  See, it was put in at the last second and he told me when I signed it that it was just a correction in clerical errors.

The fact of the matter is that my ex tries to be the boys' friend and not their mother, she lets them do whatever they want. No bedtime, no set homework time, they don't even have to come home for dinner if they don't want to.  

Questions:

1)So, the fact the my ex and her husband bought my youngest son guns that he can't legally have, along side the fact that neither of them has shown him how to use them safely, doesn't mean anything?

2)Because of how far away they live now, can my ex try to have the joint physical custody changed?

3)If my boys want to live with me, does that make a difference in Idaho?

4)Does the fact that my ex and her husband work all the time, leaving the kids home alone at night, along with the fact that my wife doesn't work and I am home by 5:00 every night matter at all?

5)What about the porn issue with my oldest?

6)(Last question) Does her chronic lying to myself and the kids about how long they can stay with me have any weight at all?

Dear Socrateaser,

I am a divorced dad with two kids involved in Idaho.  My divorce was back in 1998 and the decree says we have joint legal and joint physical custody, her having primary physical custody.

About two years ago my ex moved about 500 miles away, but still in Idaho, giving me one weeks notice.  I was upset but thought it might be good for my kids.  

They've lived with my ex's mother most of their lives (my ex was in jail and wouldn't allow them to live with me and, honestly, my living situation wouldn't have been good for them at that time, not enough space).

My youngest son, age 11, has a cosmetic deformity on his genitalia that has been there since birth.  I have entreated my ex thousands of times over the years to take care of it (it's an in office surgery and my son is on Medicaid) with no results.

My oldest son, age 13, has wet the bed since he's been potty trained and my ex refuses to take him to a doctor to see if it's something that can be helped or what the problem is in the first place.

Then, this past Christmas my 11 year old informed me that his mom and stepdad had gotten him a .22 rifle and a pistol for Christmas.  I was furious because I was never told about it and my ex still won't talk about it.  Also, it is illegal in Idaho for a minor under age 12 to own a gun, plus, my son hasn't even taken Hunter Safety or anything similar.

The time I have with my sons is so short that doctor's visits are out of the question since I usually only get them for holidays.  My ex will tell me, and them, they can stay for a certain amount of time, then change her mind.

Also, my ex won't let me keep them all summer, she usually says they can and then arrives out of no where and picks them up sometimes 3 weeks early.  The divorce decree says I get them on Mondays.

Furthermore, yes there's more, even though I have asked hundreds of thousands of times, she will not send me copies of report cards, reports of parent teacher conferences or even to sign a release to ask the school to send them directly to me.

The last thing, and this disturbs me the most, last summer my sons were visiting and my wife went to get on our computer and my oldest son had left an email from his mother up that talked about how he needs to stop looking at porn and if he needs to he could ask his stepdad for some magazines.  When I asked her about it she said that it wasn't serious and that she had "only" caught him typing in the word "boobs" to search it.

After yet another fight with her I have decided that I want to take her back to court to get the divorce decree modified. I haven't flat out asked my boys if they want to live with me so I'm not sure if they do or not.

Questions:
1) Would it be wise to try to get primary physical custody of my boys?

2)If not, what are my rights in this situation as far as visitation for summer months and holidays with the 500 miles between us?

As of now you don't have anything but knowledge, now while you still can, is the time to gather evidence.  If you can prove that you SSs brother is causing a significant disruption in your SSs lives than that could be enough for a custody change.  However, this only includes things like your SSs not wanting to return to their mother's house for fear of their brother, emulating his actions, grades dropping, maybe even conversations between you and your SSs where they tell you they've been repeatedly exposed to their brothers lifestyle choices.  You have to be careful with that one because you don't want to inadvertently put words in their mouths or even pry trying to get information, it's best if they say it on their own without you or your husband questioning them.  Also, if your husband tells his ex his concerns and what he expects her to do about it and she keeps going with her tolerance of her sons actions then that might help as well.  The key is proof, not he said, she said.  I don't know what the laws are where you live but, if the law permits, you could start recording conversation with your SSs and if something comes up about their brother, you have some evidence, also, if the law where you live permits (and ONLY if it permits)  you could record conversations with your SSs mom.  Letters, notes, answering machine messages, etc.  Also, while you are at it, it NEVER hurts to keep a running log of when you and your husband talked to your SSs (date, time, length of convo) and when they come and stay with you (date, time, length of visit) and also when/if you pick them up from school, drop them off.  You want to establish that you and your husband are a positive and constant influence in your SSs lives.  Get involved (if you're not already) in their school and sports, extracurricular activities, PT conference, bake sales, volunteering at their school(s) for you and your husband.  I hope this helps you.