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Messages - Savant

#1
Custody Issues / RE: Almost Father Seeking Help
Mar 24, 2007, 12:18:44 PM
The last time we spoke over the phone(almost 4 months ago), she said that she is going to fight for full custody.. stating the fact that she could win for a number of reasons... the fact that I am currently on a drug called Paxil... for anxiety. It's very important that it is listed in my records as anxiety... because it is not depression. He helps me keep my focus. Can she honestly use that again me?

Also, she brought up the fact that my brother, who lives 3000 miles away mind you, is a drug addict. She couldn't possibly use my family as a tool against me, could she?



One thing I learned was that bringing up issues like these may in fact backfire on her.  The judge will not likely care what your brother who lives 3000 miles away does.  But if she keeps protesting based on that argument, the judge may sense that she is not being rational and that she is just trying to keep you away from your child without any good reason.  The judge may, in fact, give you more custody time rather than less if this happens.

The judge will probably also not care that you take Paxil for anxiety, and again it could backfire on her to bring it up if you can provide evidence that your anxiety is under control.  If she could prove that you have a prescription for Paxil but don't take it when you are supposed to, then you might have a problem.  Otherwise it will probably only make her look like she is trying to keep you away from the child with no solid basis for doing so.
#2
Whenever my ex and I have a difference of opinion about the kids and I refuse to do something her way, she always says "You know that once the kids turn 15 then they will be able decide for themselves where they want to live."  
She has said this soooo many times (she uses it like a threat; she is hinting that they will naturally want to live with her since she is more lenient about rules).  

Now I thought that the way it worked was that when the kids reached a certain age, then the courts may or may not choose to consider the kids' input when reviewing a case- which is not the same thing as the kids being allowed to choose for themselves what they want to do.  Can anyone shed light on this so I have a better understanding about how it works?  It seems that dragging them into things and asking them to take sides or "choose" could cause serious problems, for instance it could easily serve to reinforce and reward alienation behavior.
#3
Custody Issues / RE: Custody and assault
Mar 06, 2007, 07:22:55 AM
I can't say whether you have a good case or not because I'm not a lawyer, but I would strongly suggest that you talk to a lawyer right away.  I know that I would not want my kids around anyone who is so hostile towards me.  Did he physically attack you?  If so you could add "battery" to the charges.
#4
In some ways your case is the opposite of mine, while in many important ways it is the same.  I can relate to your problem of being emotionally confused and wondering about your own codependency.  The fact is that this sort of thing IS emotionally confusing and causes a lot of doubt in anyone who defined themselves as a good spouse/father and now faces the identity crisis of having that all turned upside down and shredded.

All I can tell you is what I tried to do and what I think worked for me.  

-Get some books!  Read all you can- I know your time is crucial right now and finding time to read can be difficult but at least you are here so I know you're searching for more information and help.

-One thing I didn't do until it was at a critical point was to try and find a way to stay focused.  Relaxation techniques can take as little as 1/2 hour a day and will help you keep your mind focused more clearly.

-Repeat this mantra to yourself; It's not about me, it's not about her, it's about the kids.  This will allow you to do what you know you have to do even though you don't want to do it (such as making her angry by asking for an evaluation).  Try to view everything through this lense and it will help you make decisions easier.

As for the particular issues, I can't really advise you one way or the other except to say that I would try to do something about the mediator.  If the mediator isn't mediating then there is a problem.  I wonder if you could find another mediator to be present as well.  In my state there is a mediation program where 2 mediators are present, a man and a woman, to help prevent any concerns about "gender bias".  They are not advocates, they don't take sides- they are just there to make sure that both sides are equally represented.  Also, you might want to think about deciding ahead of time what your bottom-line, not-up-for-consideration limits are before going into mediation.  That way when the pressure is on, you won't worry about making concessions you'll regret later on.  Don't worry about her getting mad when you stick to your guns- remember the mantra above!
#5
Thank you for your thoughts on this.  It's very helpful to get feedback from others like this, it helps me to better weigh the validity of my own concerns.  I really do appreciate it.
#6
Thank you Father Time for the link!  

She had an attourney, but her attourney asked to be withdrawn from her case.  I do have an attourney but haven't spoken with her since orders were set.  

She knows that overnights are used to calculate custody because this came up during deliberations.  I'm sure she's counting on me not thinking about it or remembering it because my memory isn't the best when it comes to certain things like numbers- but I don't forget important details like that.

She usually only acts angry when it's clear to her that I am not going to back down on an issue.  Until that point it's all smiles and sunshine.  Usually transfers are done on a drop-off at school/ pick-up by the other parent basis, although not always.  Transfers in person are usually very amicable (on the surface at least).  It's like a cold war or something where we are both very friendly, but behind the smile she is plotting her next scheme and setting traps while I am constantly bracing myself and staying on the alert for those traps.  I have made it clear that I won't discuss these things with her during transfers or in earshot of the kids.

As for increasing the transfer numbers to 7 times a week, when I asked her how this would be better for the kids, she countered with, "Are you saying you don't think it would be in the kids' best interest for them to be able to see both parents every day?"

I talked to my kids last night- my oldest is 6 going on 7 so she is capable of expressing her feelings pretty well.  We had just finished reading "Was It the Chocolate Pudding?" (a book for kids about how divorce is not the kids' fault) which is my youngest child's favorite book right now.  It spoke about how having two homes may not be the ideal situation but that sometimes we have to make the best of the arrangement that we have.   I point blank asked my kids if they felt that they were adjusting to our arrangement okay.  They said that they like the current arrangement very much.  They said that they like both mommy's house and daddy's house.  They did say that they wished we could all live together again, but when I told them that this was not an option and asked if there was anything else we could change about the current situation to make them happier, they said "no".  They actually seemed very happy (relieved even) to be able to discuss it, so I flat-out asked them if they would prefer to sleep at one home each night and spend each day at the other instead of sleeping at both homes during the week like they do now.  They did not like this idea at all and said that they really like things the way they are now.  I for one believe them because I was careful not to lead them or give them any bias one way or the other.  I really just want to know how they feel.

I have been searching for any reference to anyone who has a custody arrangement where one parent has the kids at night and the other during the day, but I haven't yet found any mention of this sort of plan anywhere.
#7
It's possible that they are telling her things they don't tell me; I know that they tell us what they think we want to hear.  For instance they tell her that my friends don't like her (friends they haven't even seen since the divorce), and they tell me that they like my house more than mommy's house.  They play to the band.  

Just to clarify, right now they are not in day care because their mom works four 10 hour days and has the kids the other 3; on the weeks she has them a fourth day she works at home that day with help from her mom watching the kids.  Since I work at home I manage to bend my hours around the kids' needs on the 3 or 4 days that I have them each week.
#8
Custody Issues / RE: Woo hoooooo!!!!!
Mar 03, 2007, 08:54:22 PM
Hurray for your victory!  This sounds almost exactly like my experience.  From the initial agreement to the change of heart about custody to the wording in the CFI's recommendations.  And of course the huge relief at the "end".  I put "end" in quotes because there really isn't an end.  Like the Energizer bunny it keeps going... and going...
#9
First let me thank everyone here who has been giving advice.  This is my first post here, but when my XW filed for divorce a year ago this place was very helpful for me to read through for information.

Here is my question, I'm sorry it's a long one.  Right now we have a 3-4-4-3 split arrangement at the advice of a CFI.  At first I was skeptical that this would work since I was a full time SAHD before the divorce.  But the 3-4-4-3 split has been good for me- I'm starting to get a life outside the home again yet I still get to see my kids frequently and be a Dad to them.  It has taken me some time, but I have finally more or less adjusted to this schedule, and the kids seem to be doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances.

Well, now my X has told me that she wants to change to a new job, new shift and new schedule.  She said that the kids are telling her that they only want to have one home and not two, and she says that they have been telling her that they don't like being switched back and forth so much.  Strange that they haven't mentioned this to me, when I have a very open relationship with them both.  The "solution" my X has presented is this;

She suggests that I have the kids each day and she has them every night.  This way she can work during the day, and since I work from a home office I can pick the kids up at school and keep them until she picks them up after work and takes them to her house.  She said that even though child support is determined by overnights, that she would write up an agreement that this would not change child support as it is currently calculated.  She suggests that I would have the primary bonding time while they are awake, since she would mostly have them while they are sleeping.

Does anyone else see any huge red flags yet?  She wants me to believe that this will be for my kids' best interest.  Basically it seems to me that she wants me to be a day care and nothing more.  Tucking the kids in at night is a very special bonding time for me.  Home is where you lay your head at night.

I told her that I did not like this idea and she got quite angry.  She accused me of trying to stunt her career growth and forcing her to keep the schedule she currently has (swing shift working weekends).  She said that this is a very common arrangement for 50/50 custody situations.  I told her that I'd never heard of anyone doing this in a 50/50 custody situation before.  She said that I needed to do more research.  So here I am, doing more research.

Has anyone ever heard of this arrangement before in a 50/50 custody situation?  Besides the obvious fact that according to the state, custody is determined by overnights so I would in effect be giving her 100% custody of the kids, except for a piece of paper which is essentially meaningless, I would basically be allowing the precidence to be made that she is their primary (or even sole) caregiver, would I not?  Does this scream PAS to anyone besides myself?  Am I wrong to be so concerned by this suggestion?  I appreciate any and all thoughts on this.  Thanks!