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The only order we have in place is SS lives with us during the school year and EOWend is at BMs. Summers he is suppose to be 50/50 but again the order states he can choose. He did not want summers 50/50 BUT the law guardian ignored his wishes and statements. He usually goes once a month to appease his mother. He hates going there , she has no food, no car, no money, no TV, and he has watched all the movies there 100 times. Brooken promises every time. Not exciting to a 14 year old when he doens't have any friends in that area either. She doesn't have a license...she stopped driving back in June 2004 - I am assuming due to drinking. She had a court date in June of 2004 and that is about the time when she stopped driving.

It is the principal of the situation which angers me. I really love my SS and he has flurished and has been so happy living with us full time. I know it is the right thing to do to provide for him. My boys (DH, SS, and DS) all get everything they want as much as possible. We have shown SS the best of both worlds and how good relationships work, good food, good manners, morality, values, etc. I do enjoy providing for him and do it without issue. I guess in a way that is why I am here! BUT my thing is - I didn't give birth to this child, his mother IS still alive, she is capable of working, she isn't dumb, she is just lazy! So why do I have to compensate for her short commings?

Everyone KNOWS if this was the other way around - DH would be raked through the coals!

I know BM would not welcome this support order and court involvement but really it has been years that we have essentially supported SS completely. Sneakers, seasonal clothing, hair, food, medicine, health insurance, emotionally, educationally, etc... it is frustrating that the manipulator gets away scott free. OK not scott free she is slowly loosing her son due to her actions and choices. SS doesn't bellieve her - he sees through the lies now, does not give into the guilt trips... he is more annoyed by them than believing in them. BM even gets lil' sis involved with the guilt trips...which just angers SS. I was trying to avoid court by asking her for the cash to be given to SS. The good thing - SS sees through it, doesn't believe her, and is mature enough to recognize what she has put him through (all his words not ours). Court on the other hand would play right into her woe is me. As they always seem to do!

NY minimum is $25.... but it is SOMETHING - shoot a pack of socks would be nice!

We are in Albany county...which has done nothing for us. Last time- this past summer we suspended all visitation cause CPS told us we were accountable for SS while he is at BMs house. Albany county courts did not believe us about the CPS pending charges and treated us like we were the bad guys for looking out for SS. They have all along. Schenectady County is where BM is and the CPS reports and trials have been. Schenectady last said they may change it to their county courts. We actually welcome that change after the last 7 years of getting no where in Albany County. When all we want to do is provide the stability every child thrives on!

The attorney costs would be minimum so that really isn't a factor. I have several lawyers in my family who all love SS as if he was blood. An advantage to us but it can be a disadvantagae cause they are more willing to let things slide cause we have him and truly in the grand scheme is what is most important...he is stable, healthy and happy.

We have always tried to work with BM and when she refuses is when we take it to court. She was the original one to take us to court cause DH and I were getting married and SS didn't like me much back then (I instituted rules). When SS was moving from Private school to public - we were more than willing to review both school districts hers and ours, compare them, go on tours and really have SS actively involved in the decision on what high school to go to. To the point we even offered to pick up BM to go to our school district tour and speak with the teachers.... she refused! Said she didn't have the time.... she doesn't have a job! We have tried to involve her and encourage SS to be diplomatic in decsions.

I guess I am angry at the pricipal and really wanted her to step up just a little to support her son. I am not sure if cocurt is worth missing work... my hearts says who cares I love hiim and he is safe away from violence and alcohol, my brain says WTF! Why do I have to over compensate... he technically isn't "mine". :)

Thans for your advice and thoughts! Any additional thoughts are welcomed!

Yes! Well our attorney has the popint - we finally have SS in a healthy stable environment and that is all that matters! BUT that costs money!

We have taken the stand that SHE is finally responsible for her transportation - DH used to do all the transportation on top of us being the only ones to feed and provide for SS. Once Diesil went through the roof - I put an end to that!

I thought that asking her to provide it right to SS that she would feel better about it and be more "willing"...like she is supporting her son and not just giving us cash. The kid is 14 and plays football...I no longer have leftovers from dinner!

With the wonderful economy I want her to provide support. If DH didn't have a job - he would still be required to pay! The fact that BMs get to skate without consequences makes me so angry and that is why I want to go for it. Shoot - $25 a month would go directly to SS for his lunches!

Right now DH and I both have two jobs to ensure we can maintain our life style which we have worked so hard for. BM has none. She hasn't bought clothes for him in 3-5 years and never has paid health insurance on him, never paid for haircuts, special activities etc... we foot the bill for everything.

I guess if we file - if she does get a job we could get that cash. I also beleive in NY if she is collecting from social services or something - that they actually garnish that check and remove child support. I am not sure if this is accurate but that was the interpretation I got from the state details.

Anyone have a clue on getting cash from a deadbeat mom on welfare?

OK this is in NY. No child support is exchanged - old order stated 50/50 no child support. Claim SS on taxes is every other year.

SS has lived with us full time for the last two years. Last October and June there has been CPS reports and pending child endangerment cases on BM. Investigations go back three years for BM and alcohol abuse with CPS. We convinced BM to voluntarily (with a little encouragement and facts) to "give up" SS to live with us during the school year so he could get to school. He excessively missed school only on her days while the order was 50/50. BM has no car, lived 45 minute car ride to school, the bus took 1.5 hours one way, so he would miss school. This summer 50/50 did not return as the norm, SS lived with us 100% due to BM's alcohol abuse.

Current order - SS lives with us full time, EOWkend at BMs if she can pick him up and he wants to go. Yes order states SS wants and needs are to be considered and wishes are abided by. BM can't have Ex Hubby there, BM can't drink.

Support was not a ruling in the last court order. Support and visiation/custody are handled by two different orders in NY.

BM has been unemployed by choice for the last two years. She lives off of her on and off again husband and any man she can when she isn't with her husband. She can find money to support her habits - drinking and smoking, but she can not find money for her son.

Last year BM paid a total of $40 to support SS - this was for his year book and his 8th grade graduation gown. NOTHING else was paid, no shared expenses etc. We pay all medical, grooming, clothes, food, and anything els ehe needs.

In September I had asked BM for $20 a week for SS. That she could give $40 every other week when he is there for his lunches and snacks. She said yes. Lied once to say it was sent in the mail and essentially stopped talking to SS and us because she didn't send anything. Calls SS once a week now compared to 5 times a day it use to be. Anyway - she hasn't paid a dime. I know she doesn't have a dime...but this is HER choice not to work! PLUS just because  she doens't have anything why should she get out of supporting her son all together?

Attorney says let it be. I say why does she get off scott free and not support HER son?

Thoughts on obtaining support?

I would like to see the same enforcement in child support for Mothers AND Fathers!

In New York if the NCP parent is not working, they are only required to pay $25 a month, especially if it is the mother who is the NCP and not working there is no enforcement.

I also would like to see fair evaluations and assessment of both homes.

I would LOVE to see Law Guaridans actually take the time to look out for the best interest of the child.

No matter how great the father is, no matter how much time he spends with their children, the mother always gets the sympathy ear even when it IS in the BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD to be with the father.

What we thought was an open a shut case, turned out that the judge just looked at us like we were the bad guys taking the mothers time away. All we wanted was to try to to ensure that the chlid got to school consistently with a reasonable amount of travel time, had a bed to sleep in, was not around violence, and was healthy and happy. What we got - was she is going to try harder and keep it the same - despite the pattern we were able to provide substancial evidence for.

The kids are old enough to be heard by the court system...I do not know how to do it but you need to get them to tell the truth. My SS is going through some things for years on BMs side...never said a word. We tried to get him at our house due to the instability and several other factors ....and it was balked at by the judge and allowing for things to continue. FINALLY CPS was called multiple times on BM and her DH. FINALLY SS is speaking up as CPS came to his school, took him out of classs and spoke with him. He was FINALLY honest...and currently we have suspended over nights are her house and actually suspended all visitation. CPS told us we are responsible/liable for SS while at her house, so he is not going there at the moment at all.

BM had played many games (like suicide/I can't live without you, Daddy is going to take you away from me forever, etc) before and lied a million times to SS....now SS realizes what she was doing is wrong and putting him and his sis in harms way...he has finally said he is no longer going to fall for it and would be happy to speak with the law guardian to state what he wants without care of his mother's feelings.

Most children will protect their mother/father but some how get it through to them that BM is the adult and they are the kids. BM will be fine and if she isn't that is her choice. I have been telling SS for YEARS to be honest and ONLY HE knows the truth.... and he is only hurting HIMSELF if he doesn't look out for himself. I think he finally gets it.

No one can dictate how the money is spent - this is a very unfortunate process with CS. I think if there is CS supplied receipts on purchases and what it is being spent on would be great - but it is not going to happen. The ONLY way this can work is if your chilldren will be honest %100 with everyone involved.

BTW - SS is about to turn 14.

Good luck

still the daughter did not maintain full time status...so even if it is currently full time, wouldn't the fact that she left/dropped out negate the original decree anyway? Sort of like a breech of contract - she did not maintain full student status and did not graduate, she left. The agreement ends right there.... going back shouldn't reinstate the original decree shoudl it?

Obviously I am not an attorney but these are points which could be argued very easily....

Let us know what happens!

Ask the school what is considered full time, specific hours being there or specific amount of classes. Most schools have this defined. From my memory of high school a million years ago - 2 class was not considered full time. You had to be there for more than 1/2 the day every day. From my recollection of college - 2 classes was not full time - full time was I believe at least 15 credits a semester.

IMHO - she is re-enrolling and has NOT maintained the "full time" status until 20. This is going back so it could very easily be argued that she did not maintain full time student status and therefore would be completely on her own.  If you are required to pay support- =since she is past 18  - the money should go directly to her and not her mother.

Personally I would concentrate on the fact on how much time you get to spend with your kids and how much quality interaction you get with your kids. Support may be based on overnights but seems to me that you get the most quality time with them. To me this is priceless.

Yes there are extra costs involved but....isn't getting time with your kids the real important thing? So many parents do not get this and concentrate on money instead of the quality of life with your kids.

IMHO it is completely priceless to have the quality time with the kids despite the extra cash it takes to feed them. I would rather sacrifice items for myself and go without than to ask for support.

I am lucky though - no support is exchanged between DH and BM. We just got almost full time of a teenager (which we all know is hard to keep food in the hosue for!) However, we would never ask for support based on the fact that we now can provide a happy healthy stable home environment for SS to thrive in and that is most important.

Good luck on what you decide! Try not to think of the financial impact - think of the items that can not be obtained through money - pure/true happiness, love and interaction are all free to the heart and mind!

Actually dependant on the state... law enforcement will not get involved. NY - you are SOL. They will go with you they will try but parental interference is just fine. Couldn't even file with the local enforcement on Parental interference OR contempt. Officer simply stated he coulnd't do much but file a report to document what transpired. However, he could NOT force BM to provide SS back to his father despite the CO in hand (and the CO had been this way for 13 years)! DH had to file with Family court and that was it. You may want to look into/call the local police of that town to find out more. We did.

My DH went to BM's house to pick son up on his court ordered time (mind you he had 50/50 Physical and Legal custody)... law officer wouldn't/couldn't enforce family court issues. Additionally, when he went to the judge to file contempt and parental interference..the judge looked at him and said well you only have one more day this week so what is the big deal!?

The next day DH went again (with law enforcement) and a new release order from the judge to releasae SS......SS came home with DH THIS time. BUT there is no guarantee...and BM could do as she wished.

How about wording it (without emotion)...

Dear Ex: After careful review of the final judgement document dated xx/xx/xxxx the shared parenting plan states is that Name of child is to spend time with name (Mother) from the last day of school at 6pm through ... xx/xx/xxxx at 12:00pm . This is the schedule set forth by the courts it is my (Mother's) obligation to follow what is documented as is.   Additionally, the final judgement does not make mention to "holidays" which would occur during this time. It is desired to communicate and work together to achieve what is in the best interest of our child. However, this would require to remain civil and discuss options without hostility or threats. It is not a desire to inappropriately utilize hostile measures or communication with regards to these situtions. Please be aware if this schedule is not maintained a case may be opened to ensure that the document is followed and to ensure our child is able to enjoy time with both parents as equally as possible.

I (Mother) would be happy to be accomodating and flexible with the schedule only if this is reciprocated thoughout the year and communication remains civil. If communication can not remain civil, please utilize a written form of communication and deliver via Fed-Ex or UPS. (Certified letters are not what they are chalked up to be- this can take months without resolution)

Good Luck!