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  Hello. In reading your post, I am struck by the similarities to your case and what has been going on with my fiance and his now ex-wife for the past almost two years. He was also falsely accused of drug abuse as well as domestic violence. He was given supervised visitation for several months. Upon returning to mediation for a new OSC, the mediator lifted the supervised visitation, but he has been repeatedly denied overnights with his 2 boys (12 and due to a continuous barrage of new allegations by his ex. He has submitted a clean urinalysis, and offered to take a hair follicle test several months ago, however the judge ordered it be at her request and she has since dropped the issue (for now). He is going to court tomorrow on a new TRO she filed based on made up allegations, and after he threatened her with contempt for taking the children out of school early in order to deny him visitation. He also had a lawyer that got him nowhere, except further in debt, and now going it alone.

I would suggest as the other person did, that you go talk to the family law facilitator at your local courthouse, they will advise you on your next steps and help you fill out the appropriate paperwork. From what you are saying, you should have more than enough to get the supervised visits changed, although, you can never be sure. I have found in my experience that, unfortunately, justice does not always prevail. I would also suggest not moving away from the children at least until you get your visitation closer to what you're aiming for. That will definitely work against you. We are also in California, what county are you in?

 On Sunday, my partner's ex-wife sent him a text message telling him that since he refused to meet her mom at mcdonalds to drop off the kids after his visitation (there have been a lot of problems as of late and he insisted she pick them up curbside in order to avoid any confrontation in front of the children), she would no longer allow him his visitation until she takes him back to court. Wednesday (yesterday) when he attempted to pick up the children after school for his visitation, his older son hadn't attended that day, and his younger son seemingly vanished while he was waiting for him to come out of his classroom. His ex-wife then went to the courthouse today and filed a bogus DV restraining order, barring him from visitation with the children until the hearing on 12/1. He was supposed to have the children on his birthday next week, as well as thanksgiving, so this is her way of punishing him for not giving in to her demands.

Is there anything he can do to get his visitation reinstated in the interim between now and the hearing.?? What about ex-parte, not sure how that works. Also does anyone know, can she even file for a domestic violence restraining order Pro Per if she still has an attorney of record (no substitution of attorney has been filed).? We are in CA.

I should point out that we are in California, and my partner currently shares joint legal and physical custody. Also, he did have a lawyer for several months, who basically got him a whole lot of nothing and signed off once the money was gone. At one point the lawyer advised my partner to wait on a drug test until his ex-wife paid for it (as was ordered),next time they went to court the judge threatened to find my partner in contempt and give his ex sole custody for failing to take the test (even though my partner was the one who suggested he take the test to disprove her lies!).

My current partner has been dealing with serious parental alienation issues since he and his ex-wife split up. As of yet, the court has played completely ignorant to what I feel is very obvious. Here is the current situation, I was hoping someone might be able to offer some sound advice as to what his next move might be. At the time of my partners last court mediation, which was approx. 7 months ago, my partner asked the mediator for information about a 730 evaluation. Big mistake!! The mediator wrote up a recommendation that his visitation be 1st,3rd, 5th SUNDAYS ONLY, and every Wednesday after school until 7, until a 730 evaluation was complete, in order to investigate charges of parental alienation, as well as (false) allegations made against my partner regarding drug abuse. My partner (Sal) has offered to take both urine and hair follicle tests to clear up the drug allegations, but they were ordered to be at his ex-wife's request and she has never requested either since that order. The mediator stated in her report that per both parents agreement the 730 evaluation take place, however, my partner had simply inquired about it, and upon realizing the costs associated, he cannot afford to pay for one. The judge basically refused to do anything until the evaluation is done, regardless of the financial reasons he cannot afford the evaluation. His ex-wifes mother has been a huge part of the problem, and is fronting all the money for her daughter. The ex-wife has consistently broken the court order on several levels. She refuses to give him information about the children's school, activities, and even her current address. She has changed schools and signed them up for sports without his knowledge, and then refused him any information about the school/sports, and instructed the children to do the same (they are 8 and 11). She has changed his visitation days or simply not shown up when his time would coincide with some activity, since she doesn't want him to be able to participate. She refuses to allow him to pick up the children from school on his days, and when he has informed her that he was going to do so, she or her mother would pick the children up early and disappear. Her mother most recently did this on Halloween with the younger child, so that he would not get him on that day. I wouldn't even know where to begin with the alienation part, but it is extremely bad.

My question is, on what grounds would he be able to request a new OSC to modify visitation and/or seek an order to stop her and her mother from some of the activities they are doing to keep him from having his visitation.. We would like to file contempt, but have little faith in his judge and that anything would come out of it. We have some hope that an OSC and returning to mediation might result in a change, and that is what we are most trying to accomplish. I think he has a better chance with his mediator than the judge, who will only go along with what the mediator says.  Also, they did attend the part C mediation with an independent counseler outside the court a few months ago, and there was an agreement written up that included him getting overnights in about 4 months, but it is not a court order, and she of course will not go along with it, but only said she agreed in the session to make herself look good. Now she is sticking by the 730 evaluation, knowing he cannot afford to pay for it.

  I think a few people are taking this on a personal level and mistaking what i'm saying in the process..I understand if you think the whole situation is wrong. I'm not trying to dispute that at all. And I'm not trying to force myself into the kids' lives right now. They wouldn't even know about the relationship between he and i if not for the things she has told them. My problem is with the things she is telling them, specifically.,..I couldn't agree more that they don't need to be dealing with it right now, on top of everything else..and I couldn't agree more that they need the undivided attention of their father, which she is denying them by playing games and jerking him and the kids around. There was another incidence of this just last night. It is not getting any better. I am doing nothing if not thinking about the kids' needs first. I love them and it hurts me terribly to see them used by her as a means of getting back at him. I don't think she realizes the damage she is inflicting on them. The only reason I would feel compelled to be around them at this point, is because she is going to such extreme lengths to poison them against me and try to ruin any future relationship between them and I. I am speaking out of frustration.

I am not being catty or trying to hurt her more. I said nothing when she confronted me and wished me dead, raped, beaten..said she would not be happy until I died..spread lies and rumors throughout the neighborhood, our childrens' school, his family..called me a whore in public and phone messages repeatedly, in front of her children and mine..called my daughters future whores at least 4 times..you get the idea i'm sure. I do my best just to avoid her completely. I have said nothing because I know we have damaged her and she is acting out of hurt and anger. But enough is enough. We just want it over, and we want what's fair and best for the kids.

jade..at the risk of repeating myself, once again I have no problem stepping back until the divorce is over and the kids decide on their own that they are comfortable being around me (their decision, without her controlling their thoughts and feelings). She wants to make it a long term or permanent thing, as in after the divorce is final. I don't think she should have the power to decide that.

 thank you Lucky, that's really the point I was trying to make to jade. I understand it is a heated issue, and why people look at it as back and white. But what's done is done. We made bad choices along the way, and she did as well.  I am not bashing her or trying to point out all the reasons she failed him as a wife. He obviously failed her as a husband by straying outside the marriage. We have done everything in our power to protect the children since the separation.. we have given her space, and it has been to the detriment of his children i'm sad to say. The kids should not be used as pawns in her game of revenge. If she was willing to be an adult in regards to the children not being subjected to her rage and bad-mouthing of the two of us, I would have no problem with much of what jade is suggesting. I understand his wife's anger towards me, and I don't want to rub it in her face. But how can they adjust later on if all this continues indefinitely.

As for me leaving the home when he has his children, that can't happen as it is my home, and I have 3 children of my own. So, I don't know how he would be able to spend quality time with his kids long term.?

jade..what I meant was that I was involved as a friend of his, and an aquaintance of hers, for years before it took this turn. Our children have played together and her children have been in my home many times. When the relationship between he and I became what i felt was inappropriate, we pulled ourselves back from the situation, and we both tried to make what we had at home work (I have never been married, but was with the same partner for 12 years, since I was 18). We have been friends at a distance for almost two years, before the most recent turn of events. He told her it was over before I became involved with him again on a romantic level. She had already left.

As for him moving in with me, it was either that or live in his car. He wasn't left with any other options, financially.

What you and a lot of people fail to recognize is that he left her, but he did not abandon his children. It is not right that she tell them that. It is not right that she keep them from him, and tell them he doesn't want to see them. I do not want to push myself on them, and I never felt the need to be with him when he sees them until the divorce is final. Then she began making up their minds for them. If they are going to get one side, of her telling them I took their dad away, that we don't want them around and that I am a whore (yes she has told them that point blank), it's only right they should be able to see both sides and know that I am still the same person they knew before. I just want her to play fair, and I have no problem stepping back.

She wants him to agree to them not being in my home and presence for 1 year after the divorce is final. It seems unreasonable, considering that the divorce by itself could drag on several months. Does anyone know how likely a judge is to grant her that, if he disagrees..and what if the kids are repeating her rhetoric.? I think it is likely the courts will see she has put those thoughts in their heads, but I'd hate for him to lose more by risking it. He's getting the impression she might want to settle, because she is worried about all those messages she left. However, she won't budge on that one issue.

orais..I understand your feelings, as I have 2 daughters of my own, 7 and 10. It is truly not my intention to do the children any harm, or be inappropriate around them in any way. I just feel what she is doing is damaging the relationship with their father, and my being able to have a nurturing relationship with them in the future. I want it all to stop, and if not, I want them to be able to see both sides so they are not filled with hate by the time they do enter our lives and see us as a couple. Thanks for your response. I was under the impression that CA is more lenient when it comes to these sort of issues, and you confirmed.

mistoffolees..at this point, we have not been able to secure an attorney..she still wants to come to an agreement, but isn't budging on certain things. I agree with you, it's not the best of circumstances. He has always been a great dad to his kids, and she knows that is the only way to hurt him at this point. I am a single mom, maintain my own home, have a vehicle, a job that I can support myself with..I understand her dislike for me and not wanting me around her children, but she has no basis for it that will stand in court, other than getting the children to say things. She has tried to provoke me into some sort of conflict many times so that she could use it against me, but I have not budged. It is very unfair to the children, and that's what hurts me.

 thanks jade, for an honest response.


Truly, I did expect to get some responses such as yours, but I am trying to be as honest as possible about the situation.

Yes, he cheated on his wife.. I'm not offering excuses. However, there are other issues involved. In California, it is a no fault divorce. Which means it really is not a major factor. He and I have never been around the children together, since this happened, or at any time in a romantic way. But I have been involved as a friend and concerned party for a long time before this, so his children do know me and have thought fondly of me until his wife began bad mouthing me to them. She has gone so far as to have the 10 year old tell his grandma I tried to run them over twice, after the incident of her calling me a whore in the parking lot. I love his children and would never do anything to put them in harm's way. I have never so much as said a foul word to her, only once asking her to stop calling and harassing him. My main concern is parental alienation, which after reading up on it, seems to be exactly what she is aiming for.

As for his mental instability, it's not something he made up for my benefit. As I said before I have been involved for several years, taken him to the hospital and doctors for it. I've seen it firsthand. When he went on disability because of it, his work refused to pay, after a home study stated his home life was contributing to his condition by more than 51%. This was on a GOOD day.


I don't believe he would be with someone else were it not for me, but you are entitled to your opinion and I understand it. I grew up with a mother who jumped from man to man, and a few stepfathers who were terrible womanizers. I stuck it out with the same person for twelve years trying to make it work, maybe just for the sake of Not being that person. I'm just trying to say, I understand why you think this, and everyone thinks there situation is different. It's irrelevant.

The last thing I want is to force myself into his children's lives. My worry is that if it is specifically stated that they aren't allowed in my home or presence 1. This limits his ability to spend time with them as he lives here2.I have read that it is much harder to go back and change something in the agreement, than to get it right the first time 3.If (when) we do stay together, we would like to have his children be a part of our life. how will her doing this affect things down the line.? If both parents were playing fair, it would be different. He has never said a harsh word about her to his children.

neither one of us wants to take the children from her. we both realize that she is hurting, and just want her to think of what is best for the children. It is not fair that she is keeping them from him, and telling them he abandoned them for a new family. It is not right that she is verbally abusive towards myself and my daughters. Nor is it right that she tells them lies and then has them repeat these lies to other people. She is phsycologically abusing them. She stands next to the phone while he is talking to them, and repeats to them that he left them for a new family, he doesn't want to see them, etc.. By destroying the image of their father in their eyes, she is damaging them, their self esteem and self-worth.She is making them hateful because she hates us, and it needs to stop.

The money situation: I understand your point and agree, to an extent. She was supposed to be living with her mother for the time being, but after an incident when the papers were served (she came to my home and tried to assault him as her mother was serving him the papers) her mother has grown frustrated. She came back to their home and changed the locks, and refuses to allow him entry. As for her working, if she chose to she could be making $600 on a weekend.  That's as much as he makes in a month, after taxes. She chose to work less as he began earning more money at the job he has now. Again, he doesn't have a problem supporting his children or even helping her out temporarily, but at this point he is paying for everything, she is demanding more and more when he has virtually nothing for himself as it is, and ostracizing him from his children as well. I don't know what's fair, but this sure doesn't seem to be.



Does anyone have any experience in a similar situation...or advice that might actually help us resolve this easier and at least know what his rights are.?

 hi..I just came across this place and thought I might be able to find some help here, or at least gather information on what rights we have in our current situation.

Some background: I became involved in the situation 4 years ago, as an aquaintance of his wife..he and I became very good friends.. what resulted was what I would best describe as an emotional affair. We stopped talking for a while, and tried to make what we had at home work. A few months ago, he told her it was over, and six weeks ago he moved in with me, so that she could have time to go through the house (mobile home) and pack things up before he gets it ready to sell.

 From the first day, she exhibited a lot of out of control behavior that was dismissed or made excuses for because we knew she was hurting and felt guilty. However, I want to say that I do not feel I am the reason for the marriage ending. When he was with her, he didn't care about his life. He was living day to day to keep the peace and keep her happy. The house they lived in was in filth, and she refused to do anything about it. He was on medication for depression,  as well as obsessive-compulsive disorder that caused him to pull his hair out for days on end. All of this has stopped since he left; he is a completely different person.
 
The issues we are dealing with now, are the children and money. She has largely refused to let him see the children, other times she says he can pick them up, just  to get him over to the house and start a fight, then refuse him to leave with the kids. She has been telling them for the past six weeks that he abandoned them, left them for a new family, and that I stole there daddy away from them. He received the divorce papers 5 days ago. She is refusing joint custody, and has asked for visitation to be (and i quote) "a few hours or a day, no overnights, not to be allowed at his girlfriend's home or in her presence." At first I thought this was absurd, but while researching online, i've found that it is possible she can get away with the restriction. Especially since she has the kids repeating the things she has told them to say (that their dad isn't their family anymore, he has a new family, i took him away from them and they don't want to be around me). His children are 7 and 10. Yesterday the 7 year old told him that I have done this to two families before (one of her lies).  Is there anything we can do now, and what is the likelihood this will work for her in court. We live in CA. Also, we have several voicemails left by her, and a few letters as well..most of the voicemails are her calling me a whore, a goddam f*cking whore, a whore who spread her legs for a married man, over and over..also, saying that my two daughters who are 7 &10 will grow up to be whores just like their whore mother, and be pregnant at 12. Last week we happened to be in the school parking lot at the same time, she flipped me off, and then yelled (in front of her children) something about me being a whore, repeatedly. After that she left 2 voice mails that she will always call me a whore, and if I don't like it that's too bad. Most of the voicemails also talk about how he better give her money, that all his kids need him for is money, and in one she says he will never see his kids again, that if I ever answer his phone again it will be the end of him and his kids, and once again, he will never see them again (3 times). Can we use these against her, or to refute what she is saying and what the kids are repeating?

As for the money, she can work but chooses not to. He is still paying all the bills and giving her money to live on. This leaves him with about $500 for himself. Does he have to keep paying for the car she drives, her insurance, health insurance, etc. ? He doesn't know what his rights are, and he doesn't want to look bad in court. As you can see, we have no money for a lawyer, but do not fall below poverty guidelines to qualify for free help. Another question, if she has been self-employed (she works when she wants as a clown for children's parties) but never claimed it for tax purposes and left it out of the divorce papers, can we do anything about that.?

 Our main concern is for the children..we want what is best for them..any information or help would be appreciated.

Thanks so much. :)

Cheryl