>Hi. I'm brand new at this forum. I have some extra time
>before I go clear the ice off my truck and go work in the cold
>all day. I found your post interesting. Not that I'm much
>help, I'll comment on your points, though.
>
>1) I don't think he's required to provide any such proof
>without the court ordering it. I am pretty liberal about my
>children's internet usage. My ex does not agree with the
>freedom I allow the children. I could go for an hour about
>that, but I'll suffice with this: my focus is on educating
>them. Much in the same way I try to make my kids aware of
>dangers of predators if they go to the park, we are shopping,
>they are waiting for the school bus, etc. It's impossible to
>monitor a child 24/7. It is possible to educate them so that,
>armed with as much information as you can give them, the child
>can hopefully make the best decision. Children need freedom,
>responsibility, and trust. Our children are ultimately
>responsible for making their own choices, and dealing with the
>results of those choices. By allowing that, and making them
>aware of real life consequences, well.... Part of the point
>here is this whole issue is highly debatable, and not
>nessesarily something the judge may see as harmful. You can
>demonstrate the "possible" harm of crossing the street much
>easier. Do you let your child cross the street?
I agree totally with you about educating your kids and trusting them to make the right decisions, especially regarding the internet. I think my situation is a little more serious, though. She is not yet 13(will be on 12/23) and has an on-line boyfriend with graphic and sexual chat and personal exchanging of info with plans to hook up. I have the proof. She also has a camera phone and has made videos of herself (head shots) and, apparently, sent them to this guy. I have these too. I would not let her date in real life, how can it be okay on the internet?
Her father is either not monitoring her or is allowing it to continue. To me, that is a potentially dangerous situation. We see these stories in the news every day with bad endings.
>
>2) Do you have this in writing, that the doctor recommended
>she NOT take the Claritin. My suggestion: If she has
>sinus/allergy issues, be prepared to document her issues,
>doctor's recommendations, the medical care she has received
>regarding these issues, and your childs response to the
>treatment. What if your ex can document your daughter thinks
>the Claritin helps, and she feels better on it?
I have it in writing from the ex that he acknowledges her pediatrician since birth advised against it. He took her to an associate doctor of his and claimed she said it was okay. However, if it was okay, why did he hide it from me and not advise me to give it to her during my visitation? Why did he have to go get a separate prescription for Allegra (or something like that) so that he could buy the required amount of ClaritinD to give to her? Wouldn't the doctor have written my daughter a prescription or something for the pharmacist? My attorney states it's not a matter of who is right or wrong about the ClaritinD, it's about excluding me from the decision and not informing me. ???
>
>3) He excluded you, or did not include you. Have you
>contacted the school and had this corrected? Have you
>requested a schedule of events, in writing, from the school
>and/or your ex? You have a records that can demonstrate he
>did not include you, and of any attempt made my you to correct
>it? It's probably helpful to be able to be able to show, that
>if you found something wrong, or objectionable, your proactive
>approach to correcting the matter.
Yes, I contacted the school and began to receive mailings from the school. Prior to that, I only got progress reports, announcements, etc. from him. He stated, in writing, it was an oversight.
>
>4) Be prepared to elaborate on the allegations. How do you
>intend to demonstrate this was done with the intention to
>create resentment towards you? I don't think there is a legal
>requirement your child communicate with grandparents.
>However, I think it would reflect poorly on your ex if you can
>demonstrate an ongoing pattern of derogatory remarks to, or in
>front of, your child regarding family members.
I have only the fact of what my child told me. The stories he has told cannot be interpreted any other way than I describe. My mother lives with me so it's kind of difficult for my child to avoid her grandmother. I do have, in writing, that he uninvited grandma to GrandParent's Day at the school.
>
>5) Are you certain your ex is the source of this idea? Will
>your ex, or his attorney, state this to the courts? Will your
>daughter? Can an independent source, such as a psychological
>evaluation, show your daughter thinks she is unsafe in your
>home, and the source of that idea is her father?
>
Again, I have only what my daughter has told me. My attorney has requested a psychological eval, GAL, mediation, the whole nine yards. This judge is not interested.
>6) Re: Your example: Your daughter was home alone? Is she
>allowed to leave at her own discretion, say, to go to a
>friends while you were gone? Was she in the care of someone?
>If so, did that person have the authority to approve of your
>daughter leaving? If she was in the care of someone else,
>what instructions were the caretaker given? It's apparent
>your child was there when you left for work. Was your
>daughter there when you returned home? If so, how do intend
>you intend to document a 'loss of time.' Spending time with
>her father, if it was what your daughter wanted to do while
>you weren't there, may somehow constitute interference. It
>may also constitute the fathers interest in actively
>participating in his daughter's life. If the child was not
>left in the care of someone while you were at work, the
>consideration of a phone call is nice. Why would you not
>'consent' to such time?
My daughter was not home alone. Her grandmother was here. Of course, grandma does not trump dad. She was home when I got home because I called him and told her to bring her back. I was not given a choice to consent to such time or not--he just came and got her. I object because it is an hour's drive between our homes. He had ample opportunity to notify me of his intentions. I object because of the constant brainwashing he is doing, such as seen in the above examples. He wants to keep her out of my home as much as possible to disrupt any emotional attachments to my home. In my opinion.
>
>7) Your child is thirteen. What does she want?
>Strictly personal here, but my birthday just passed. It was
>shortly after a heated disagreement with my ex. I did not see
>my children that day, hear from them, and the next time I saw
>them they were completely unaware my birthday had passed. I
>even had to tell my son to go look at my I.D. to convince him.
> He didn't believe me. My children felt terrible. Although
>it hurt my feelings, letting my children know it was okay was
>the priority, and I was just happy to see them right there and
>then, and that was gift enough. With all due respect, your
>daughter's birthday, especially at age thirteen, is HER day,
>not 'yours.' I would suggest talking to your daughter about
>coordinating plans for that day, then contact your ex, and
>finish that arrangement.
>
I am sorry about your birthday. I also know it is HER day and I have told her she can do what she wants. The fight is just too much for me. He has told our daughter that it is his legal right to have her on her birthday. So I have the choice of proving to her he is not telling the truth or letting it go. Lose/lose situation. I'll let it go before putting her in the middle.
And I have tried to coordinate with the ex for that day. He'll not have anything to do with coordination.
>I'm doubting my reply will go on your list of today's greatest
>moments. Again, with all due respect, your emphasis seems to
>be on control, and frustration with your ex. How would your
>daughter reply to each of those points? At age thirteen,
>unless you can demonstrate clear physical and/or emotional
>harm, NOT possibilites, the emphasis may need to be on what
>your daughter wants, then why she should, or should not, be
>allowed her wants. I'm not saying any of your points aren't
>valid concerns. Maybe approach each of these points from the
>direction of, how is the best interest of your daughter
>served, how is she harmed, and the detrimental impact it's
>having on your relationship. I'll reiterate, your
>relationship, NOT your feelings. My opinion, of course.
>Good luck and best wishes.
You're right, your reply isn't one of today's greatest moments. But I really appreciate your honesty and tactfulness. My daughter, of course, wants to live with her dad. What 13-year-old wouldn't when she can have an on-line boyfriend and now harbors all sorts of resentments towards me that she can't quite wrap her brain around?
Again, thank you for your reply. It really has helped.
>before I go clear the ice off my truck and go work in the cold
>all day. I found your post interesting. Not that I'm much
>help, I'll comment on your points, though.
>
>1) I don't think he's required to provide any such proof
>without the court ordering it. I am pretty liberal about my
>children's internet usage. My ex does not agree with the
>freedom I allow the children. I could go for an hour about
>that, but I'll suffice with this: my focus is on educating
>them. Much in the same way I try to make my kids aware of
>dangers of predators if they go to the park, we are shopping,
>they are waiting for the school bus, etc. It's impossible to
>monitor a child 24/7. It is possible to educate them so that,
>armed with as much information as you can give them, the child
>can hopefully make the best decision. Children need freedom,
>responsibility, and trust. Our children are ultimately
>responsible for making their own choices, and dealing with the
>results of those choices. By allowing that, and making them
>aware of real life consequences, well.... Part of the point
>here is this whole issue is highly debatable, and not
>nessesarily something the judge may see as harmful. You can
>demonstrate the "possible" harm of crossing the street much
>easier. Do you let your child cross the street?
I agree totally with you about educating your kids and trusting them to make the right decisions, especially regarding the internet. I think my situation is a little more serious, though. She is not yet 13(will be on 12/23) and has an on-line boyfriend with graphic and sexual chat and personal exchanging of info with plans to hook up. I have the proof. She also has a camera phone and has made videos of herself (head shots) and, apparently, sent them to this guy. I have these too. I would not let her date in real life, how can it be okay on the internet?
Her father is either not monitoring her or is allowing it to continue. To me, that is a potentially dangerous situation. We see these stories in the news every day with bad endings.
>
>2) Do you have this in writing, that the doctor recommended
>she NOT take the Claritin. My suggestion: If she has
>sinus/allergy issues, be prepared to document her issues,
>doctor's recommendations, the medical care she has received
>regarding these issues, and your childs response to the
>treatment. What if your ex can document your daughter thinks
>the Claritin helps, and she feels better on it?
I have it in writing from the ex that he acknowledges her pediatrician since birth advised against it. He took her to an associate doctor of his and claimed she said it was okay. However, if it was okay, why did he hide it from me and not advise me to give it to her during my visitation? Why did he have to go get a separate prescription for Allegra (or something like that) so that he could buy the required amount of ClaritinD to give to her? Wouldn't the doctor have written my daughter a prescription or something for the pharmacist? My attorney states it's not a matter of who is right or wrong about the ClaritinD, it's about excluding me from the decision and not informing me. ???
>
>3) He excluded you, or did not include you. Have you
>contacted the school and had this corrected? Have you
>requested a schedule of events, in writing, from the school
>and/or your ex? You have a records that can demonstrate he
>did not include you, and of any attempt made my you to correct
>it? It's probably helpful to be able to be able to show, that
>if you found something wrong, or objectionable, your proactive
>approach to correcting the matter.
Yes, I contacted the school and began to receive mailings from the school. Prior to that, I only got progress reports, announcements, etc. from him. He stated, in writing, it was an oversight.
>
>4) Be prepared to elaborate on the allegations. How do you
>intend to demonstrate this was done with the intention to
>create resentment towards you? I don't think there is a legal
>requirement your child communicate with grandparents.
>However, I think it would reflect poorly on your ex if you can
>demonstrate an ongoing pattern of derogatory remarks to, or in
>front of, your child regarding family members.
I have only the fact of what my child told me. The stories he has told cannot be interpreted any other way than I describe. My mother lives with me so it's kind of difficult for my child to avoid her grandmother. I do have, in writing, that he uninvited grandma to GrandParent's Day at the school.
>
>5) Are you certain your ex is the source of this idea? Will
>your ex, or his attorney, state this to the courts? Will your
>daughter? Can an independent source, such as a psychological
>evaluation, show your daughter thinks she is unsafe in your
>home, and the source of that idea is her father?
>
Again, I have only what my daughter has told me. My attorney has requested a psychological eval, GAL, mediation, the whole nine yards. This judge is not interested.
>6) Re: Your example: Your daughter was home alone? Is she
>allowed to leave at her own discretion, say, to go to a
>friends while you were gone? Was she in the care of someone?
>If so, did that person have the authority to approve of your
>daughter leaving? If she was in the care of someone else,
>what instructions were the caretaker given? It's apparent
>your child was there when you left for work. Was your
>daughter there when you returned home? If so, how do intend
>you intend to document a 'loss of time.' Spending time with
>her father, if it was what your daughter wanted to do while
>you weren't there, may somehow constitute interference. It
>may also constitute the fathers interest in actively
>participating in his daughter's life. If the child was not
>left in the care of someone while you were at work, the
>consideration of a phone call is nice. Why would you not
>'consent' to such time?
My daughter was not home alone. Her grandmother was here. Of course, grandma does not trump dad. She was home when I got home because I called him and told her to bring her back. I was not given a choice to consent to such time or not--he just came and got her. I object because it is an hour's drive between our homes. He had ample opportunity to notify me of his intentions. I object because of the constant brainwashing he is doing, such as seen in the above examples. He wants to keep her out of my home as much as possible to disrupt any emotional attachments to my home. In my opinion.
>
>7) Your child is thirteen. What does she want?
>Strictly personal here, but my birthday just passed. It was
>shortly after a heated disagreement with my ex. I did not see
>my children that day, hear from them, and the next time I saw
>them they were completely unaware my birthday had passed. I
>even had to tell my son to go look at my I.D. to convince him.
> He didn't believe me. My children felt terrible. Although
>it hurt my feelings, letting my children know it was okay was
>the priority, and I was just happy to see them right there and
>then, and that was gift enough. With all due respect, your
>daughter's birthday, especially at age thirteen, is HER day,
>not 'yours.' I would suggest talking to your daughter about
>coordinating plans for that day, then contact your ex, and
>finish that arrangement.
>
I am sorry about your birthday. I also know it is HER day and I have told her she can do what she wants. The fight is just too much for me. He has told our daughter that it is his legal right to have her on her birthday. So I have the choice of proving to her he is not telling the truth or letting it go. Lose/lose situation. I'll let it go before putting her in the middle.
And I have tried to coordinate with the ex for that day. He'll not have anything to do with coordination.
>I'm doubting my reply will go on your list of today's greatest
>moments. Again, with all due respect, your emphasis seems to
>be on control, and frustration with your ex. How would your
>daughter reply to each of those points? At age thirteen,
>unless you can demonstrate clear physical and/or emotional
>harm, NOT possibilites, the emphasis may need to be on what
>your daughter wants, then why she should, or should not, be
>allowed her wants. I'm not saying any of your points aren't
>valid concerns. Maybe approach each of these points from the
>direction of, how is the best interest of your daughter
>served, how is she harmed, and the detrimental impact it's
>having on your relationship. I'll reiterate, your
>relationship, NOT your feelings. My opinion, of course.
>Good luck and best wishes.
You're right, your reply isn't one of today's greatest moments. But I really appreciate your honesty and tactfulness. My daughter, of course, wants to live with her dad. What 13-year-old wouldn't when she can have an on-line boyfriend and now harbors all sorts of resentments towards me that she can't quite wrap her brain around?
Again, thank you for your reply. It really has helped.