Messages

My husband has 1 child (daughter) from a previous marriage and the support order has been the same since their divorce (over 5 yrs ago).  He may be accepting a new position in 2008 which would dramatically increase his income and allow me to stay at home with our 2 children, and allow more flexibility for stepdaughter to spend more time at our house.  Our concern is, however, that bio mom will realize he's making more money (due to me staying home) and go back for a modifiation in support. If we had to pay significantly more that would mean I could not afford to stay at home with our kids.  We read that once support has been modified it can't be done for 3 years after that....? Is that true?  And if so, what if HE filed for a modification now (based upon his current income) and had it entered. Would the 3 years be in effect or could she still file to modify at anytime?

P.S.  I realize this sounds "cheap", however my husband has ALWAYS paid full child support and paid for MANY extra things for his daughter.  He pays for her school lunches, clothes, school supplies, extra curricular events in addition to the court-ordered support amount.  These are not things he is required to do but does it to "keep the peace" between him and bio mom. But we don't want to be taken to the bank if he does take this new job which would require us to move and him to travel more, only to end up paying her more.

Thanks FLMom for your honest and detailed feedback.  That is really what my gut told me, but you know when you're in the situation it's easy to get caught up in the emotions. We've had many talks with SS about his benhavior and being responsible for his own actions no matter where he is, etc... but it doens't seem to get anywhere.  And we feel like we're always the "hard hand" discliplining him for his behavior at school or bad report cards when mom tells him it's no big deal.   But we know we have to stay consistent and all we can do is hope that when he's older he can look back and appreciate what we've tried to do for him and not hate us in the meantime!

 I do have to remind myself often that we can only control what happens at our house.... I like the "zen" comment though. :)  Will keep working on it.....to be continued....

Long story (aren't they all....) but here's the highlights:

I have a 10-yr old stepson who currently spends time 50/50 between our house and his mom's and has done so for about 3 years now. Legally however, the custody decree says mom is primary guardian with dad getting the state guidelines (every other weekend, holidays, etc), so the "extra" time we get with him is really up to her.  We still pay her full child support and pay for all of his "extra's" - haircuts, school lunch, camps, school supplies, etc - so that she will "allow" him to do the 50/50 and we can keep the peace.

Several things have happened in the last few years and we are at our wits end of what to do - whether we try to go back for custody modification so he is with is primarily or when is the right time....

Examples of some issues:
- Most recently, she took stepson and her other child (from another father she is not involved with anymore) on a 400 mile trip to see her new boyfriend. Weather was below zero and snow forecasted, yet she still went.  Drove back in the dark, got in an accident.  Hit ice and knocked out a window and dented up the rear and door wouldn't close all the way - single car.  She just put a plastic bag on the window and drove the remaining 75 miles back with the 2 kids in their coats. Keep in mind the wind chills were -20.... no one was hurt bad, stepson says he's okay but his leg hurts "a little".

- For this trip she took stepson out of school a half day early. Not a huge deal, but she told stepson to lie to his dad about it and tell him he didn't miss any school.  Stepson told us the truth tonight and felt bad about the whole situation.

- stepson's behavior at school is decling and has been an issue for several years.  Teachers keep saying he needs consistency and disclipline but it is not enforced at mom's.  

- He has no hygiene at his mom's house.  He never brushes his teeth and rarely showers there.  Yes, maybe not a huge deal, but he will go a week without brushing his teeth if he's with her the whole time. This is really starting to affect his teeth.

- He still has pooping accidents. He will have chunks fall out of his pants and/or stuck to his underwear/pants.  He says he doesn't know why, and we've worked and worked with him to try to help, but mom is in denial and says that there's nothing wrong. We took him to the Dr a few years ago and Dr prescribed some medicine, but mom got very upset and refused to give it to him when he was there, which completely defeated the purpose of the medicine.  If we take him to the Dr again now she will freak out, and probably revoke the current 50/50 we are doing so we will see him less.  

- There are so many other issues which are probably not important in the eyes of the court but are important to us.... but i'm wondering if the above issues are "big" enough to go for custody modification now or if we just continue to document and wait until he's old enough to have his opinion weighed also.  

Any advice??  Thanks in advance....