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Hang in there Bonus Mom. I love the name, BTW- you must have some northern europeans in your life ;) Bonus is so much nicer than step!

I COMPLETELY understand where you're coming from. The poop falling out of the pants, I would think, would be an indicator of a serious problem. Have you brought him to be evaluated by a psychologist? Some little skid marks may not be too out of the ordinary, but not nuggets falling out of his pants. That's a serious incontinence problem that should be treated somehow- if she won't give meds, try something else! That makes me very worried for your boy. I wouldn't sit on it and wait for him to grow out of it.

As far as dealing with the ex, document, document, document! It's so hard to stay on top of keeping an ex journal but sometimes that's all we've got! And should you ever take her to court, you will have a leg to stand on while she fumbles for excuses.

Those are my only recommendations. I feel blind and searching for the answers as to how to keep these kids happy, healthy, and safe with the rest of you! Hang in there, and keep your wits about you.

Hi everyone,

I just found this site and spent some time reading through the forums and am relieved to see so many people who seem to understand exactly what I'm dealing with! I currently live with my fiancee (4 months before the wedding) and his son. To give you an accurate picture of the situation, I'll start at the beginning and work up to now.

For some reason even though the agreement was joint custody (used to be 3.5 days at both houses) when she (the ex) decided to quit her job and apply for welfare some years back (she had never moved out of her parents' house and still lives with her Dad at 31 years old), she got turned down but the courts made my fiancee start paying child support anyway. She didn't ask for it and he had never paid before since it was all equal down the middle, but the courts didn't care. Here in RI, things are so small it's incredibly easy for grossly unfair and ridiculous things to pass in the courts. The bias toward the mother is especially prevalent here, irregardless of the particular circumstances.

So the schedule changed about 1 1/2 years ago and now we have his 10 year old son with autism 4 days a week, while she has him Tues, Wed, and Thurs nights. It has worked out very well, with us still getting the "good time" (weekends) and still being involved with the school, while she gets him for those 3 nights after he's done with his homework. We figure this doesn't give her too much time to mess with his head, which she does frequently. (as a sidebar, I work with autistic children every day in a clinical setting and have extensive experience with that population of people- she still refuses to read a single book on the subject despite the fact that we got the diagnosis over a year ago and as such doesn't do a SINGLE thing to help this boy learn how to participate in the world around him. Quite the opposite, actually- she keeps him cooped up in her house and encourages him to be shy and blend into the woodwork as she does. Explicitly.)

Now, she never helps him with his homework or participates in his IEP meetings. She appears to be autistic as well (lets herself into my house without knocking like she owns the place if I forget to lock the door, doesn't know when it's time to LEAVE and thinks it's appropriate to call me at 11pm on a Friday night drunk to cry about how her parents are mean to her).

My bonus son sleeps on either the futon in her living room or in her bed with her (which I take HUGE issue with!)- she got rid of his bed because he didn't want to sleep in it anymore. He doesn't eat a thing that wasn't frozen and microwaved and drinks soda like it's going out of style at her place. He told me he asked her to buy spinach and soymilk and that she told him absolutely not. What kid actually WANTS this stuff to begin with, and what kind of mother would refuse to feed a kid spinach and give him a hot pocket instead????

Who does the school call when there's a problem? Me! And I have no legal rights to the kid; I think the school is technically breaking the law by involving me at all but they know who actually takes care of him.

Now, she sends me a text message saying she changed her work schedule (she only works part time, by the way- we support her financially AND support her child completely) and she'll be picking him up on Mondays now. She gave me 4 days notice AND told her son all about her plans. So now he's all confused and will inevitably be led to believe that once again we are keeping them separated (she told him he wasn't allowed in our home when we weren't there, even if he forgot something and wanted to run in to get it which was NOT the case. We had told HER not to enter our home while we weren't there!)... Grrr! I don't know what to do but I want to scream!

My fiancee told her we'd keep him here this Monday and that we'd have to talk with her before next Monday about changing the schedule, but he's worried that not only will we lose the fight, but that the child support payments that we make to pay for her to go out drinking on the weekends will increase, as he makes quite a bit more now than he did when he was ordered to pay them. He views child support as a bribe to the state to keep his parental rights, and insists that I'm being completely naive about the system if I want to fight her. He's ready to roll over and let her take Mondays back but I can't do that without a fight!

Am I being naive? The idea of him spending more time with this toxic woman who has demonstrated a clear incapability of taking care of herself sends me reeling. I woke up shaking with my mind whirling a million miles per hour this morning, and have been most mornings lately. I feel that I owe it to this kid to fight with everything I've got to keep him safe and healthy. I can't in good conscience roll over and play nicey-nice anymore. I love this kid too much.

Any ideas? I don't know where to turn or what route to take. I'm totally new to this whole thing and my fiancee is too paralyzed by fear to take any steps himself. Any help I can get would be fabulous!!