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stepdad is two years older than BM I think it's 2 years anyway.

I just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone that has responded with their great advice and support.  

I still hate her and I probably always will.  It's great to see that I'm not the only one who's in this situation.  It's easy to feel alone in this scary world of step-parenting.  

I didn't mention but maybe it was obvious.  I am "just a baby" by most standards.  I am in my early/mid 20s my husband is 2 years older than me.  We haven't been married long (two years this August).  He was 20 when his daughter was born  BM was 21 or 22.  I thought this info might help put things in perspective.

I know I shouldn't have talked to her.  I feel like it would be better for the daughter if we had some kind of civil relationship.  I am wrong for this line of thinking?  

Also my husband is court ordered to provide insurance for his daughter.  He does not receive benefits through his job.  I have offered to include her on my plan.  Should I do this or should I just forget about it cause it's not my kid, not my problem.  She does have insurance through her step-father so it's not like she's uncovered.  I feel like putting her on is the right thing to do but I don't know, I'm also pretty sure PB will find someway to use it against me or not allow it even though I have great insurance that makes everything for children virtually free, no copays, well child visit covered in full, no deductions or out of pocket maximum.  I also have a flex spending account that I can use to help pay for her glasses and other things that might arise.  The way it works is I get a debt card to use with the amount I choose on it all at once, I can then use it like any other debt card to pay copays or for glasses or whatever until it's all used up, my work withholds  money from my check every pay period to pay for it.  I can get multiple cards so I could send one to BM to use when she needs.  I would like to so that she can use it to pay for glasses and such I just don't want her to use in on her new baby and I think she might.  I feel in my gut like it's a bad thing to do.....

When was the divorce final? What was his relationship with his daughter before the divorce? Why is there a situation and order that limits his time with his daughter now?

The divorce was finalized I think 3 years ago.  Before the divorce his relationship with daughter was pretty bad.  BM had several protection orders against him (for saying the wrong thing to her on the phone which she manipulated into a threat and example of this would be the time he(DH) told her(BM) they were stuck with each other and basically if something happened to her and she died he would be there for his daughter and thus probably at her funeral. She hung up called the police and said he threatened her life.  This protection order was extend for a full year because the day of the court hearing to decide the extent of the TPO DH's father passed away).  Their relationship is leaps and bounds better now that she's older and can understand things a little better.  She knows she use to live her when she was  baby, her mother moved back home with her when she was 6 months old.  BM told my husband he was welcome to come if he wanted!

Also some advice here would be appreciated, I told him to tell her the truth about why he didn't talk to her if he missed a call (which he hasn't in a while) or if she asked him about something, like why he doesn't visit her.  Is she old enough to be told the truth.  I'm not suggesting he bad mouth the BM and say it's her fault he doesn't see her.  But would it be wrong of him to tell her that he can't yet because it's not finalized in court the stipulations of the visitation?  Obviously in words she will understand.  

The only situation that limits his time with his daughter now is the LD thing and that her mother won't allow it unless it's set-up with a mediator.  

HE moved from her because BM was making his life miserable and he didn't want to live in the same city as her.  He doesn't care about paying for his daughter and himself he just doesn't want to pay for PB.  She also stated in something she filed that she wouldn't come here unless her husband could accompany her for her own personal safety.  My as I have stated before my husband has never been physically violent toward PB or daughter.  He has only met the sdad once so he's never done anything to him either.

Also my husband use to smoke pot.  He did when BM and him got together (this was 5+ years ago).  Because of this she is saying she needs supervised visits and to spend time with daughter in front of a mediator.  She said something about the pot smoking during their divorce hearing and the judge asked her if he'd ever been violent, to which she responded no, and he responded that it didn't matter to him then.  As long as he had no history of being violent toward her he didn't care what he did in his recreational time.  I thought it was a weird response.

Is there anyway that I can get copies of what exactly is said during the court hearings so she can't say one thing when really it wasn't said.

I do find myself obsessing about this.  She just makes me so damn mad which her crazy delusional beliefs and always thinking I'm the bad guy and out to get her.  I don't talk to her unless it's about something with the daughter.  She will engage me in other things which I feel rude not responding to.  I guess I need to stop responding.  I just hate it when I ask her for help buying something for my step daughter and she won't give me any information on what she wants or clarify what she's talking about.  Last year for Christmas my step daughter said she wanted leap pad books.  That was great but  there are multiple leap pad systems.  The PB wouldn't even tell me what kind she had so I'd buy her the right books until I called her practically crying and she said she felt bad so she returned my call.  I tried email, my husband email, asking the daughter, nothing worked it was like she wanted us to fail so finally when I was desperate and miserable she responded.  She tries to say she's not a control freak but that Christmas thing to me says otherwise.

It's really hard to take the high road some days.  Sometimes I really just want to put her in her place.  She is such a PB and she knows how to push peoples buttons to make them do something to her or say something that she can manipulate to get a protection order.  I just stop talking to her when she gets like that but my DH doesn't know when to stop with her sometimes and it's hurt him in the past.

Thanks a bunch.  All the info you provided is at least giving me ideas and things to look into.

To answer your questions

No there is no set visitation schedule that says anything like child will visit dad for x number of days x number of times a year.  The judge left that for them to decide in mediation and that didn't work out.

My DH does follow the court order he pays child support and we provide insurance for her.  PB complains that he doesn't pay half of her medical bills but we have never received a bill from her.  She complains we don't pay for glasses and other things she needs but she doesn't tell us she needs or send us copies of the bills so we can give her our half.

The BM follows the court order because it's all in favor of her.  It doesn't force her to have to allow the child time with my husband so she's loving it.

We have discussed moving closer to her so that visitation would be easier on everyone.

The thing that hurts me the most about the situation is that her mother tells her that she is very lucky and special she has 2 daddy's and 1 mommy who love her.  She doesn't even consider me a part of her daughters life.  And she's constantly throwing it in my husbands face when her husband does something for the daughter that he would have and could have done if he either lived in the same city or had been ask to provide her with whatever it was.

Thanks for the advice and the acronym tutorial it helped a lot.

To answer your questions

No, there is no existing court order.  The judge only said that visitation would start with 2 1-week long visits by the father from here to there with a further visitation schedule to be decided in mediation.  This would have worked great 2 week long visits for them to become comfortable with each other and then the schedule they agreed on.  However, the mother wouldn't agree to anything she said she wouldn't buy any plane tickets, she wouldn't let her come for her birthday and Christmas, she said we could have one or the other, the problem is her birthday is only a few days before Christmas so travel at that time would be expensive and incredibly stressful.  My husband doesn't want to put his daughter in any uncomfortable situations because he knows visiting here will be uncomfortable enough.  He has even suggested that her mother come here with her so that if she needs her or wants her she will be available and she said absolutely not.

The court knows that we live on the other side of the country, they were generous enough to knock 50 a month of his child support to help pay for the cost of travel.  Which didn't do a whole hell of a lot with the cost of gas now.  I realize in the long run that's 600 dollars but for 3 round trip tickets (DH, SD, and PB) it doesn't equal out.

He has a lawyer who doesn't return his calls, or emails.  He doesn't respond to snail mail.  It's like he got paid and now he doesn't care.  He has ask him several times to call or write him back and hasn't had a response in over a year.  He has pretty much given up on the lawyer.  I don't nag him about the guy either.

I realized a long time ago to take the backseat.  I don't ask about how his calls went, or what his daughter said, I don't ask if he's talked to her mom about something he's told me he wants to talk to her about.  I assume when he's ready to tell me something or when he wants to he will.  I know I can't push for things, after all, it's not my daughter.

Thanks for the advice any more would also be appreciated.

Basically I am here (I just signed up today) to gain a better understanding of my whole situation.

I am the step-parent in this situation.  My husbands daughter lives on the west coast with her mother and we live on the east coast.  I am extremely frustrated by the whole situation.  We are a young couple (in our mid 20s) my husbands daughter is 5.  He really hates this situation so he avoids it as much as he can.  I try to explain to him that this isn't something he can ignore and that he needs to do everything that he can.  He tells me that he wishes someone who's been in his situation could explain to me how he feels and that it's not something I can help him with.  Basically he feels that I can never understand how he feels because I'm not the one who doesn't have visitation with their child. To explain that last sentence my husband has 2 scheduled phone calls with his daughter a week and according to the decree of divorce visitation starting with 2 (1)week long visits from here to there (a more concrete schedule to be decided in meditation which didn't work because the mother won't agree on anything).  We have gone there once to visit so far and out of 8 days and 7 nights the mother allowed us a total of 17 and 1/2 hours of time with his daughter.  This discouraged my husband a lot.  Now the mother is saying that he needs to have visitation in front of a mediator to ensure the daughters safety, can she do this as it's not court ordered? He has never been violent or done anything to cause a need to ensure her safety.

Am I doing the right thing by seeking answers to his questions and getting him paperwork when I can and offering advice and support or am I totally in the wrong?  Any advice and support offered would be appreciated more that words can express. Thanks