Messages

Thanks everyone!  Again, in the first rough times, it was this site that was a main source information, perspective, and support.  I will never forget that.  When my son is older, I will have him come here to read up what waits for the unwary: fore warned is fore armed.

The biggest and most important piece of information anyone can get here is this: a parent must get through all the emotional distress to see just what does their child really need in the current situation, and then do whatever you can to make sure those needs are met. 

Sometimes a non custodial parent is nearly powerless to protect their children, but whatever power you DO have must be directed at those children's needs based on a priority of needs. Each situation is different, and each situation will change many times over during the course of the years. 

Take the long view: if it is a long hard grind to get just a few basic needs met, then resolve that is what it will take.  Having then taken the long view, each day do what you can to make progress on those goals, and then, LET GO.   Then get up the next day to do it again. 
 

On Sept 30, my son was transferred to my primary custody at age 13.  It was the wisdom and support that I gathered on this site 9 years ago that allowed me to persevere and be here at the time I was needed.  His mother made a large gamble in a relocation hearing in a last effort to remove me from his life, and although I was pro se against an experienced relocation attorney, my ex failed in the attempt.


Now my son gets to speak to both parents everyday.  Now he gets to see his mother whenever it is feasible.  Now my son can heal from being torn apart so much as he has been. 

Thank you everyone who helped me in the early years, and thank you for being here in this season of rejoicing.  For you old timers, I was here as Lacunar back then.  For some reason I could not get that name to work anymore, so I logged in as Kalkir.

If you are down, hurt, on the point of despair: DO NOT GIVE UP.  Every little thing you do every day will brings it own reward, and you can make it through to the other side. 

My original handle on this board does not load for some reason.  I used to be on this board as Lacunar; some here may recall me.  I started posting here in January of 2001, so I am familiar with the website.  I remember when you started first posting here, so I am familar with you.  After a few years of litigation, I tried to find ways of NOT thinking about my case, so I stopped coming here.  But I have always been grateful for the support and advice I got here.

Your ad hominen attacks against other posters, Davy, discredit you, and distract from the thesis of the discussion here: should the OP accept a deal or not.  He himself is torn on how to proceed, and although your points about the legal validity of maintaining a GA jurisdiction and opposing the NJ residency are accurate, it does not mean that he will prevail. 

Momoftwo's point that he has delayed his case and given time for New Jersey to become the locale where the children have become acclimated cannot be discounted.  It will depend on the judge in the case and that is an unknown factor to those of us giving him advice. 

My point is this: the children need regular contact with both parents as soon as possible for their well being.  I suggest he find the most practical way of making that happen.  My other point is that win or lose, long distance shared custody is painful for all parties.

I appreciate that, as you both have valid points despite the disparity in aspect.

The disruption point that momoftwo brings up is quite valid; he has been seeing a counselor for fiver years on a weekly or biweekly basis to help him cope with the high level of hostility his mom feels for me, and with the whole effect of the divorce in general.  To end that relationship would be a large negative, since it gives him a chance to work through his issues without the pressure of parental loyalty. 

This is ironic to me, since I used to feel a few years ago that the couselor was overkill and perhaps shopuld be discontinued.  But I am glad now that my son has someone to talk this stuff through with now.

There are many other disruption issues, for example, he tests in the top one percent nationally but isa c student for the most part.  He has missed at least 25 days of school every year and it was worse when he was in a private schoool; one year he missed 45 days.  It has been one of the biggest probelms I have with her partenting style.  He has been to 6 schools in seven years, all by her choice.

I could go into all the crazy details, but I would rather not.  The big point is that the judge is aware of all this.  But I do appreciation the idea of disruption, as it is part of her pattern with him, and I will be contesting her assertion in her motion that he "has thrived under her care."

After reading that long winded post, it occurs to me that although I answered your questions in my own mind, I may not have answered them with clarity for anyone else to read. 

So, did I move for a RO to stop an early move?

The short answer is , No.

This judge does not like heavy handed tactics and is quite confident that my ex's attorney, a specialist in relocation cases, will not let her do anything stupid like moving too soon.  To have made a move in that direction would have cost me credibility I think, and so I kept a lid on the idea today.

This judge knows us well, and is not ready for much more from us having just gone through a round of litigation and writing new orders less than a year ago.  If she denies me custody this summer even one time, he made it clear she will not be relocating the child. 

Since I have my son eow with one extra Saturday per month, plus every Tuesday, it will be very difficult for her to try to do anything before the hearing.  He also made it quite clear that her lack of cooperation earlier this year did not bode well for her, but he doesn't have the details since I have not filed yet.  The most encouraging aspect was that he said my son's choice would have a very large impact on the decision, and my son does NOT want to move.  I also have three more make up overnights that she owes me as penalties for the denied custody in 2006, and I will be using them this summer.

The real test will be if I offer her the same partial custody schedule that she will be offering me, would she relocate anyways?  Of course she will not, because her real objective is to change the jurisdiction and start the case all over again in hopes for a better result than she got here.  This case is 8 years old, and the judge is as sick of us as I am of going into his courtroom.

Thanks for being here, as sometimes I just need a chance to bounce ideas around and to hear supportive voices.  Meanwhile, I am listening to a lot of blues tonight and staying mellow, as all I can do is work on the things I can control and let the rest go. 

Peace and wisdom to all.

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace."   -Jimi Hendrix

Pre-trial hearing, relocation hearing, and child consult in chambers to be scheduled is the result of today's proceedings.  I will be filing my contempt and custody mod petitions in 2 weeks.

Relocation hearing in late August most likely.

Is there any way you two can argue your points without trying to score personal points on one another?  The peeing contest makes it hard to stay focused on the issues.

Somewhere, I get the sense these kids are not what you are thinking about.  In this case, the mom is not leaving to spite you; she is going due to the career of the main provider in the family.  You digging up dirt on her has nothing to do with the kids, but everything to do with you winning.  Do not follow one set of mistakes with another set: walking out is not replaced by fighting tooth and nail.  If anything, you are feeding both heads of the custody battle dragon: inter-parental hostility and loss of parental contact.  Put the kids first, and focus on what will work for everyone.  It is not about who gets their way; it is about where will the kids thrive best.


As for the kids grades dropping, it could also be due to the fact that they are out of their normal routine and adjusting to reuniting with you.  But YOU should be concerned about their grades, and see where you can turn that around.  And not to impress the judge, but because you love your kids.