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As you have another child, I am guessing that you and your daughters dad have not been together for a while. So do you have custody and what are the visiting arrangements?

First I would seek counseling and support from a local group that supports people that have been the victims of domestic violence.  They usually have trained staff that is familiar with the court system and the child welfare system as well.  You need to be able to talk with someone and develop a plan.

We have joint custody, but I have final say in matters like schooling & such if we can't agree. DD is supposed to be w/ me one week & her Dad the next week & so on, but while she is in school he just lets her stay w/ me through the week & gets her on weekends. I've talked to my local program that helps victims of domestic violence; all they say is take him to court, but we have already been drained financially & can't go back again.

[Have you talked to your soon to be ex yet? The reason I ask is because she may not have a problem with you keeping your daughter. I say that because you said she told you that she just wanted to see other men & be free of your marriage & your daughter so she could party all the time. With that being said, remind her of what she said & she may just let you go ahead & keep your daughter with you; especially if she wants to 'go out' sometime in the near future. Even if she says "no", chances are that she will eventually want to go out one night soon & she will need someone to keep your daughter. Let her know that you are willing. From the way it sounds(her wanting to party a lot)you may end up with your daughter more often than you think; so no, I wouldn't 'keep her' from her mom right now. Sounds like the situation may take care of itself. Good luck!]

Have you talked to your soon to be ex yet? The reason I ask is because she may not have a problem with you keeping your daughter. I say that because you said she told you that she just wanted to see other men & be free of your marriage & your daughter so she could party all the time. With that being said, remind her of what she said & she may just let you go ahead & keep your daughter with you; especially if she wants to 'go out' sometime in the near future. Even if she says "no", chances are that she will eventually want to go out one night soon & she will need someone to keep your daughter. Let her know that you are willing. From the way it sounds(her wanting to party a lot)you may end up with your daughter more often than you think; so no, I wouldn't 'keep her' from her mom right now. Sounds like the situation may take care of itself. Good luck!

[Some background first]

.....As in child custody, I mean? Some background first-- My ex-husband was/is extremely verbally abusive(he has also been physically abusive when I was married to him), violent & unpredictable. We have a 10 year old daughter together. For years he has talked bad about me to our daughter, called me degrading names in front of her, etc. He also buys her tons of gifts(every time she visits there are more new gifts), takes her on several fun outings every visit, etc. My problem w/ this is, she doesn't have to earn them. When she asks me for something, I tell her- "do your chores, watch your behavior and we'll see by the end of the week if you've earned it".  She never does b/c her attitude is- "Oh, well, Daddy will buy it for me this weekend when I see him anyway; and I won't even have to do nothin' for it". Therefore, she has no motivation to do well. It's also a problem b/c now, she associates 'love' w/ money/gifts; and thinks that I don't care for her as much as her Dad b/c I refuse to buy her. She has an extremely selfish, manipulative attitude(any tips on how I can help to change this will be greatly appreciated too).

  Anyway, my ex has some new tricks up his sleeve. He calls the police & DFACS to make false complaints/accusations about me; so that he can harass me through them & in order to try and gain grounds for full custody. Right now we have joint custody, w/ me being primary custodian & the decision maker if we can't reach agreements regarding things like school, religion, etc. My daughter is participating in falsely accusing me too(yes; she wants to live w/ her Dad & be 'free'). Her accusations are the same things that I've heard come out of her daddy's mouth. When I first started noticing her bad attitude towards me getting to be severly worse, I had a talk w/ her. She told me she hated me & I asked her why; she said b/c  I can't cook as good as her grandmother(her dad's mom)and b/c I used to have fresh flowers as a centerpiece on our dining room table & now I don't & b/c I used the same old tablecloth & she wanted me to change it every month(I thought, "what"?) Now, the accusations are serious. When he phones the police & DFACS, it is their job to come out & all his claims have been noted as false & when we explain about the custody thing after they have seen the children are not in danger, they will say- "Happens all the time".  My daughter is constantly lying all the time now; even about little things that don't even matter.

Of course, there is a lot more to this; but to keep from forcing you to read a novel, I've tried to just touch on the basics. After all this time, I now understand that my ex is just using our daughter as a tool to get to me & hurt me(I may be wrong, but that's certainly what it looks like). What do you think about me letting her live w/ her father for awhile? Has anyone here ever been in a similar situation and done this? I have a 3 year old that this is effecting too. Even when she is w/ him, on his time, he will call me to ask if I will do things that need to be done b/c it falls on his time, like make her appointments & take her to them, make phone calls & such as that. So, when anything at all goes wrong, he blames me; in fact he blames me for everything(and I do mean everything). So, if he has her for awhile, him & only him,  do you think he'll still call me to blame me & call me names? I would be worried all the time about our daughter though if she goes there. See, my ex's mother & sister(plus, other family members)mainly keep her when shes w/ him anyway; but his mother recently died & his sister is in chemotherapy currently. My ex lives w/ his father; but he has an old run-down trailer(holes in the floor, no running water, etc.)that is just a skip, hop & step away from his father's house, where he goes to sell drugs & when he wants to 'have a good time' if you will.

He wants full custody, so.....if I give it to him, how will he react? Will he be happy? More importantly--- Will my absence make him a better father to her? One thing, she won't have to hear him arguing/cursing me all the time; it seems that merely my presence sets him off, or just the mention of my name(like at pick-up time or on the phone w/ daughter). A few people have advised me that letting her go stay w/ him for awhile at least, giving them both what they want, might be the best thing to do. I agree something has to give; but I feel like at the same time I am putting her into danger & couldn't live w/ myself. Anything you can tell me--- tips, advice, experience, etc. will be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance!